I've messed up - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 08:26 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy I've messed up

I have broken the girl I love and I don't know how to fix it.

I have lost my temper and perhaps not handled mu emotuons the right way.
I have a higher sex drive han her, always have. Before children we were more equal this way. We were on the same page. She was a little vixen and she could get my body to feel things I'd never felt with any other.
I during sexual frustration after our first born, have demanded more from her in the worst way possible. She gives it every few weeks but her heart is not in it like it was before I flipped out and at the dissatisfaction with our sex life the way I did.

I said things that hurt her and I know even though I've apologized I know she hasn't forgotten my words or actions.

I want her to know that I adore her in every way, even if we don't have sex, but not give her permission to refuse because I know she will. And I don't blame her after the way I handled it. I've took her offer of sex when I knew she was in pain and not enjoying it. I don't know why I didn't stop her, it had been more than a few weeks since we had a bit.

I feel like I've done so wrong, but I just love her and want her to feel the love I have for her.
I wish I could change my actions. I wish I would have been more gentle in how I approached the situation.

I want her to want me again because she wants to ravage me, not because of stuipid threats I made to go elsewhere if she doesn't.

I want to fix this so bad, it's killing me knowing I've caused her so much pain.

I hope she reads this. I found this site on her phone.
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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: I've messed up

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Originally Posted by Iamsorry9 View Post
I want to fix this so bad, it's killing me knowing I've caused her so much pain.

I hope she reads this. I found this site on her phone.
Ummm... a little passive aggressive don't you think?

You stole her phone, invaded her privacy, and you are now invading perhaps one space where she was struggling with self help and to try to improve your marriage.

Well, that is not completely a bad thing, because for those of us on this forum trying to help others, RARELY does the other party chime in. You'll get some help alright. Probably NOT what you want to hear, and probably what your wife has already been struggling to tell you. Be patient and try to listen. Perhaps some of the ladies here will chime in and help point you in the right direction.

In the meantime I would advise you to stop wanting her to want you. Simply share with her that you want her, and be easy to please. If she is in pain and does not want intercourse, then allow her the chance to just give you a HJ or something simple. If not that, then just ask her for a back rub to help you cool down. Show her how to reject the idea of sex in a way that will not hurt you, and in a way that still makes you feel loved. When she is ready, don't force her to enjoy herself if she has trouble, just appreciate that she is trying.

Hope that helps,
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:18 AM
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Re: I've messed up

Take yourself to counseling... actions, as you found out create many different things, not words alone.

So using actions to create the problem, it will take different actions to fix it.

Open communication starts with true humility when we have damaged the relationship... show her you mean what you say by understanding yourself and why you have placed yourself unmindfully in a place to do this damage.

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 02-01-2017 at 09:27 AM. Reason: Additional thoughts...
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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 10:04 AM Thread Starter
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I didn't snoop on her phone, it was on the home screen when I was checking the time. I was curious I'll admit, but I never intentionally snooped. I trust her completely.
I've read her post and the replies and finally understand what's going on. Every time she has brought it up I've got defensive and not acknowledged what she was trying to get across. I don't know what to do.
Counselling seems like a good idea.
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 10:05 AM
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Re: I've messed up

Is this your wife? You haven't used that word.
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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 10:08 AM Thread Starter
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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 10:20 AM
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Re: I've messed up

If you are who I think you are, then you need some serious counseling. Using emotional blackmail to satisfy your sexual needs isn't really how long term relationships are built.

My story:

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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: I've messed up

if it were me, i would just stop sex for an indefinite time. take it off the table for the foreseeable future.
pretend mutual sex doesn't exist.

try to read her body language and try intimacy without sex. a simple touch, a kiss, whatever.
but don't force anything or be needy. just reading her mood and once in a while give her a sign that you love her
and desire her. this will not happen quickly in any way shape or form.

in the meantime, you'll have to learn to take care of yourself. like a bachelor.
i know this will be hard.

eventually, maybe a matter of weeks, months, whatever she may start to trust you again.

sounds drastic? well, what you did is drastic and you will have to pay. good luck (and i mean it).
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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: I've messed up

Have you apologized to her. If so, is this the first time you apologized to her?
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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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I've apologised months ago and assumed that bcuz she and I had had a bit regularly that she'd forgiven me.
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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 11:19 AM
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Re: I've messed up

Have you had to apologize before, or is this the first time (for serious apologies)?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Iamsorry9 View Post
I've apologised months ago and assumed that bcuz she and I had had a bit regularly that she'd forgiven me.
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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 11:21 AM
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Re: I've messed up

Those words can cover a range of situation. This could mean that you knew she wasn't enjoying it, but she was not in obvious pain, and didn't ask you to stop... to rape.

The first is forgivable, the second is not, ever.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Iamsorry9 View Post
snip
I've took her offer of sex when I knew she was in pain and not enjoying it. I don't know why I didn't stop her, it had been more than a few weeks since we had a bit.
snip
.
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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 11:33 AM
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Re: I've messed up

Get counseling. If she is willing to go with you that is a good sign.
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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: I've messed up

I agree that sex should be off the table for a while.

Your problem is that you've shown her that you are all about you and you do you.....she doesn't factor into anything except as you need her to do you.

So you're not a strong partner she can count on.....you're a spoiled baby who does him and throws tantrums when you don't get what you want.

And as you're now seeing you can't threaten someone into wanting you. You claim to love her but you don't love her enough to care all that much about her needs. Geez, threatening to get it elsewhere puts you at pretty much the bottom of the jerk pile. Do you think that gets a girl hot?

Words hurt. What if she made fun of your penis size and then apologized a bit. Would you just get over it?

Right now you're her adversary.....you have to become her partner. What are you doing as your share of child care and chores?
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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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I do help around the house. I'm the dishes man even tho I hate doing it. I do the bins and litter trays. I spend time with baby girl and change nappies. But my love does most things for our daughter. I do appreciate everything she does for our family and tell her often. She's a wonderful mother, everything I could ask for for the children. I've supported her breastfeeding, especially when she was having trouble with baby's weight gain. I haven't been a total monster.
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