Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 07:00 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Originally Posted by hifromme67 View Post
Absolutely wrong advice. Acting like some character he fantizes about is only fueling his fantasy world. He needs to be in the real world, with his real wife, not a character.


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My solution is to wean him off and instead of him viewing porn, she gets him to be with her and do some things that porn actresses do. That's a start to getting him off porn and into her.

Over time, his porn disappears because she weaned him off and he wants her at that point.

It's transitioning him off porn over time and getting him interested in his wife again.

You can't go cold turkey. You can try but good luck.

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post #17 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 07:00 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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This is the time to wean him off porn and how she can do this is dress up and rock his world with adventurous sex.

Over time, she doesn't have to dress up as much anymore. A little less over time but still dress up to spice things up..
She has been married for 5 years. He's been like this most of the 5 years. He refuses to listen to what she wants and requires her to dress up in a manner that makes her feel like she is not herself. From what she said, she's asked him to give a little on this and refuses to. He refuses to change. Re-read her post.

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Now if he is addicted to porn and expects her to dress up like porn actresses, or he's not interested, then he has a real problem. Therapy for him, counseling?.
This is apparently what is going on... for most of 5 years. Re-read her post.

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Problem is us guys are very visual. The hotter the woman, in great shape and not over weight, with more adventurous sex the better. It becomes an addiction and unrealistic.
The problem is not that he is visual. The problem is that he's addicted to porn and can hardly get interested in his wife sexually. And the other problem is that she has to do what he wants all the time and her husband refuses to give her want she wants even some of the time.

She has things that she likes too... she should have her needs met as well too.
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post #18 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 07:02 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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She has been married for 5 years. He's been like this most of the 5 years. He refuses to listen to what she wants and requires her to dress up in a manner that makes her feel like she is not herself. From what she said, she's asked him to give a little on this and refuses to. He refuses to change. Re-read her post.


This is apparently what is going on... for most of 5 years. Re-read her post.



The problem is not that he is visual. The problem is that he's addicted to porn and can hardly get interested in his wife sexually. And the other problem is that she has to do what he wants all the time and her husband refuses to give her want she wants even some of the time.

She has things that she likes too... she should have her needs met as well too.

Then its time for her to move on and get a real man that's into her. Agreed?

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post #19 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 07:02 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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My solution is to wean him off and instead of him viewing porn, she gets him to be with her and do some things that porn actresses do. That's a start to getting him off porn and into her.

Over time, his porn disappears because she weaned him off and he wants her at that point.

It's transitioning him off porn over time and getting him interested in his wife again.

You can't go cold turkey. You can try but good luck.
So 5 years is not enough to wean him off porn?

It's not her job to wean him off porn either. That's his job.
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post #20 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 07:04 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Then its time for her to move on and get a real man that's into her. Agreed?
Of course I agree... it's what I told her in the first post I made to her on this thread.

But it seems that some posters think that it's her job to play dress up with every sexual encounter with her husband because only what he wants counts.

What ever happened to just getting naked, appreciating the beauty of the naked body and getting down to good sex?
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post #21 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 07:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

Thank you. Yes, I feel like this is only fueling him and not actually fixing the issue. He says he needs it to get excited. But over the last three years nothing has really changed. At this point, I think we will try therapy and sex therapy. I am no longer comfortable dressing up as someone I am not everytime I need intimacy. It's like I have to fight for it. He is a good guy. He's a great dad. I want to fix it. I just can't continue my entire life trying to be someone I am not to get my husband to love me in a sexual way.
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post #22 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 07:06 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Hi @Sunflower9119,

Okay are you serious? What man doesn't want his wife to dress up before sex? That's what makes it so much fun! It's a celebration of a wife's beauty to dress up before sex! What's wrong with that? I think it's normal and healthy! And you should bask in the beauty of who you are and enjoy it too!

Sure, I totally get you not wanting to dress up all the time. But be real! This is part of the sexual relationship and a beautiful part of it1 A woman's beauty is such a beautiful thing to celebrate. Unless he has you dressing up in some freak outfit that takes away from your dignity as a person, I really don't see the problem. I loved when my wife dressed in sexy outfits for me before sex. But those days are long gone and they're gone forever. And you want to talk about problems?



Might it be that you're just bored in your marriage and you're using this whole "dressing up for sex" thing as an excuse because you're really already bored with your husband and you want to be with the man you're already attracted to? Forgive me, but the statement above sounds to me like you're just using your husband's need for you to dress up as an excuse to end the marriage and go with the other man. I apologize if I am coming across as too judgemental here. But I have to be honest, it's what it sounds like to be. But what do I know?

And forgive me, but you saying "I may not have to dress up for this other human being sexually..." is just so transparent. Are you kidding me? You're not serious, are you? I mean, cry me a river! You can't be serious!

As for your husband's porn addiction, that's a problem with many men.

I hope I am not coming across as too judgemental here. I just see you as someone who has a good thing and is not grateful for what they have.
What ever happened to just getting naked, appreciating the beauty of the naked body and getting down to good sex?

Do you really think that a woman should have to dress up in some costume every time she wants sex with her husband because he cannot get it up for her otherwise?
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post #23 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 07:10 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Thank you. Yes, I feel like this is only fueling him and not actually fixing the issue. He says he needs it to get excited. But over the last three years nothing has really changed. At this point, I think we will try therapy and sex therapy. I am no longer comfortable dressing up as someone I am not everytime I need intimacy. It's like I have to fight for it. He is a good guy. He's a great dad. I want to fix it. I just can't continue my entire life trying to be someone I am not to get my husband to love me in a sexual way.
Since you feel that the rest of your marriage is good, I agree that some sex therapy is in order. At least that way, if it does not work, you will know that you did everything that you could do.

Could you explain what you mean by dress up? Do you mean just some pretty nighty? Or is it more? If it's more, could you describe what he wants so that we have clarity?

I know you said that he is not using porn, but I would really doubt that. How do you know that he is not using porn all this time?

Generally, when a guy with a porn addiction stops using porn, after a few months he can really get into sex with his wife/partner. To me, it sounds like your husband still has a porn addiction.
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post #24 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 07:11 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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So 5 years is not enough to wean him off porn?

It's not her job to wean him off porn either. That's his job.


What got him into the porn in the first place?

Lack of sex? Boring? Being very overweight? What?


That's the root problem. Once you figure that out, then you can make real progress.

I doubt he started viewing porn because he had nothing better to do.

5 years addicted to porn can't just be stopped cold turkey. You can try but good luck with that.

I'm saying the way to transition him off the porn and get him into her, to start, dress up and have that adventurous sex. That's the starting transitioning point. Over time, 5 years porn addiction, 5 years transitioning, he should be into her and not porn anymore.

If she's already tried this and in vain, its time to move on and meet another guy that's into her.

If she's not willing to help him transition from porn to her and its all his doing and responsibility, that's not cool.

Marriage is 50 / 50, good or bad, rich or poor, sickness and in health.

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post #25 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 07:30 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Originally Posted by Sunflower9119 View Post
Thank you. Yes, I feel like this is only fueling him and not actually fixing the issue. He says he needs it to get excited. But over the last three years nothing has really changed. At this point, I think we will try therapy and sex therapy. I am no longer comfortable dressing up as someone I am not everytime I need intimacy. It's like I have to fight for it. He is a good guy. He's a great dad. I want to fix it. I just can't continue my entire life trying to be someone I am not to get my husband to love me in a sexual way.
I have not read enough of your posts to determine your ages, but the older people get, sex becomes more and more about mental stimulation and less and less about physical stimulation. Much like our eyes and ears tend to get less dependable (needing glasses or a hearing aid) over time, the same happens with genitalia. In the event your husband has found his "goto" way to achieve extra stimulation, here are some things you may wish to try:

1 Try turning out the lights and ask him to imagine you are dressed up exactly as how he would want you to be. See if this works for him or not. Pretend for him that you are dressed up and describe what you are wearing for him. This is not exactly what you would want, as you are still having to pretend, but this may help you start making a step in a better direction. In reality you would not be dressed up, but just yourself.

2 Instead of dressing up during sex, perhaps write him a sexy story describing the way you would dress up for him and what you would do. With the lights on and without getting dressed up, read this story for him, or recite it from memory, or just improvise a story on this theme. This would allow you to avoid dressing up, you can just be yourself for him to see you just as you are, but you telling him and erotic story about dressing up would help stimulate the part of his brain that craves that.

3 Try blindfolding him, but hand him very sexy cloths that he likes you to wear and ask him to imagine you wearing them. Pay attention to how he respond to just touching these cloths without you wearing them. Ask him to touch you without wearing any cloths and ask him to describe what he would want you to wear and why he enjoys that. Pay attention to how he respond to just touching you and only thinking about the erotic cloths.

The purpose of these things is it start giving the two of you a way to disassociate you actually dressing up for him in ways that have the potential to be very arousing for him. You can experiment and see if his fetish requires him to touch the cloths, or to just think about them in various ways. Perhaps these exercises can unlock some new ideas.

Perhaps you may enjoy blindfolding your husband and ask him to tell you why you look so beautiful to him when you dress up, while you just be yourself and enjoy feeling him respond to his own ideas of you.

Hope that helps,
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post #26 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 07:46 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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What ever happened to just getting naked, appreciating the beauty of the naked body and getting down to good sex?

Do you really think that a woman should have to dress up in some costume every time she wants sex with her husband because he cannot get it up for her otherwise?
I'm all for a woman just getting naked. It's all good in my opinion. Get naked! Dress up! Start having sex when you both are cleaning the kitchen floor... it's all good!

You see, sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's very good, and when it's bad, it's still pretty good!

I personally don't think the OP's original problem is about her having to dress up for her husband before sex. I think she has feeling for another guy and she is trying to rationalize getting out to go after the other guy. Do you honestly take her reason to get out of a marriage because she has to "dress up" before sex seriously?
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post #27 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 07:56 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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I'm all for a woman just getting naked. It's all good in my opinion. Get naked! Dress up! Start having sex when you both are cleaning the kitchen floor... it's all good!

You see, sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's very good, and when it's bad, it's still pretty good!

I personally don't think the OP's original problem is about her having to dress up for her husband before sex. I think she has feeling for another guy and she is trying to rationalize getting out to go after the other guy. Do you honestly take her reason to get out of a marriage because she has to "dress up" before sex seriously?
Wow, you are now accusing the OP of cheating with nothing to back it up.

If I was married to a guy who could only have sex with me if I dressed up and put on a show for him, I would feel the way the OP does. I would get to the point of not wanting sex with him because he is clearly not interested in me sexually.

A man who is addicted to porn and has little interested in his wife... a live breathing woman who wants to have sex with her is not a man who a woman should waste her time with.
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post #28 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 08:00 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Wow, you are now accusing the OP of cheating with nothing to back it up.

If I was married to a guy who could only have sex with me if I dressed up and put on a show for him, I would feel the way the OP does. I would get to the point of not wanting sex with him because he is clearly not interested in me sexually.

A man who is addicted to porn and has little interested in his wife... a live breathing woman who wants to have sex with her is not a man who a woman should waste her time with.
I never accused the OP of cheating! I merely stated that she is using her situation of wanting to get out over a man she is having feelings for. Maybe it's an emotional affair of the heart.
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post #29 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 08:04 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Wow, you are now accusing the OP of cheating with nothing to back it up.
I have nothing from the OP post to back it up?

Please read it again:
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Originally Posted by Sunflower9119 View Post
Ia starting to have feelings for other men. I went out with my girlfriend two weeks ago and met a young man, I felt very emotionally and physically attracted to. I think about him often. The main thing I think about is how I may not have to dress up for this other human being to be sexually attracted to me and want me. I feel like I think about it often.

The beginnings of an emotional affair.

No offense OP.
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post #30 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 08:15 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

This is my experience about porn, from a male's perspective, married, 17+ years, hubby.


Mrs.CuddleBug had a low sex drive from the beginning. I'd say maybe 1x every month / 5 weeks and one time was it. Reason was due to her size and insecurities and not me.

Since I am a HD adventurous man, there is no way I can have sex 1x every month.

So I started viewing porn because I was sexually starved and weak.

I viewed porn and relieved I'd say everyday.

Talking to Mrs.CuddleBug about the lack of sex, her size, how she was treated, didn't help but it temporary made her feel better.

That's why I viewed porn. My man needs weren't being even remotely met, yet marriage is supposedly 50 / 50. Not when married to a LD spouse. It's a one way street.

Fast forward to today. My porn addiction is gone and might view porn 1x month. I bought sex toy that's amazing and gets it out of my system so I don't pester my LD wife.

It didn't matter that we talk, cuddle, do things together, what I learned from TAM, 5 love languages, etc.

Her LD is still a problem 17+ years later and now she is getting even bigger, needling to lose 80+ lbs.

This has nothing to do with me. She is in control of her body and actions.

If I got sex only 3x to 4x per week, once every second day, that's enough so I forget about porn altogether and that weakness is gone.

I am a very visual man, so if I see a hot woman, BAMMM. That's why our women dress sexy and take care of themselves, so when we get in the mood, our ladies are there for us. We go to them instead of elsewhere.

With that in mind, everything flows naturally from that point. Romance, cuddling, going to dinner and a movie, going for a walk, etc.

But Mrs.CuddleBug says she is a good wife.

This is my take on porn and sex.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.

Last edited by CuddleBug; 02-05-2017 at 08:21 PM.
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