Thank you. Yes, I feel like this is only fueling him and not actually fixing the issue. He says he needs it to get excited. But over the last three years nothing has really changed. At this point, I think we will try therapy and sex therapy. I am no longer comfortable dressing up as someone I am not everytime I need intimacy. It's like I have to fight for it. He is a good guy. He's a great dad. I want to fix it. I just can't continue my entire life trying to be someone I am not to get my husband to love me in a sexual way.
I have not read enough of your posts to determine your ages, but the older people get, sex becomes more and more about mental stimulation and less and less about physical stimulation. Much like our eyes and ears tend to get less dependable (needing glasses or a hearing aid) over time, the same happens with genitalia. In the event your husband has found his "goto" way to achieve extra stimulation, here are some things you may wish to try: 1
Try turning out the lights and ask him to imagine you are dressed up exactly as how he would want you to be. See if this works for him or not. Pretend for him that you are dressed up and describe what you are wearing for him. This is not exactly what you would want, as you are still having to pretend, but this may help you start making a step in a better direction. In reality you would not be dressed up, but just yourself. 2
Instead of dressing up during sex, perhaps write him a sexy story describing the way you would dress up for him and what you would do. With the lights on and without getting dressed up, read this story for him, or recite it from memory, or just improvise a story on this theme. This would allow you to avoid dressing up, you can just be yourself for him to see you just as you are, but you telling him and erotic story about dressing up would help stimulate the part of his brain that craves that. 3
Try blindfolding him, but hand him very sexy cloths that he likes you to wear and ask him to imagine you wearing them. Pay attention to how he respond to just touching these cloths without you wearing them. Ask him to touch you without wearing any cloths and ask him to describe what he would want you to wear and why he enjoys that. Pay attention to how he respond to just touching you and only thinking about the erotic cloths.
The purpose of these things is it start giving the two of you a way to disassociate you actually dressing up for him in ways that have the potential to be very arousing for him. You can experiment and see if his fetish requires him to touch the cloths, or to just think about them in various ways. Perhaps these exercises can unlock some new ideas.
Perhaps you may enjoy blindfolding your husband and ask him to tell you why you look so beautiful to him when you dress up, while you just be yourself and enjoy feeling him respond to his own ideas of you.
Hope that helps,