Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex. - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 12:50 AM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Dear lord some of the men here!!!!

If your wife wanted you to dress up like a fireman that would be fine. What if the only time she had sex with you, during the course of a 5 year relationship was ONLY when you begged and only if you put on the fireman costume.

Leaving a husband who has no sexual desire for his wife is the right thing. This isn't a small thing, it isn't inconsequential, it isn't shallow or petty. It's soul crushing and no one should stay in this kind of marriage. Man or woman.
Yeah some of these responses just have me shaking my head.

I think the equivalent for a man wouldn't be his wife demanding a fireman outfit...I think it would be something more demeaning and uncomfortable for him. Like if she demanded that he let her dominate him, and he had to put on some kind bondage gear that restricted his movement while she humiliates him, just to get HERSELF turned on...meanwhile she has no care if he is turned on by any of this. Or maybe if she demanded that he strap on a huge fake c*ck that fits over his actual c*ck, because she can only be turned on by the c*cks she got addicted to when watching porn all the time.

Even if a guy (who isn't submissive) could do this and get into it a few times to please the woman he loves, he would quickly feel violated and grossed out by it if it was the ONLY way she could get turned on and if she berated him if he dared to request sex without him wearing her desired fetish out fit or huge added appendage.

I am a woman who LOVES to dress up, I love dressing up both of us. So for me, I may have the opposite type of problem. Like I wouldn't be able to be my fully sexual self if I ended up with a man who wanted "naked only" sex and was never into dress up, or if he tried to make me feel bad about myself for wanting to wear lingerie and sex clothes.

Though it isn't a fetish for me, I love naked sex as much as dress up sex. It is the variety that I enjoy. So I'm never going to require or even ask someone to do it the same way every time, that would be boring as hell.

The OP's husband only wanting it one way and the same way every time is boring as hell, too.

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post #47 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 01:17 AM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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So his LD was really from his porn addiction. Makes sense.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

It could also actually be the other way around. If he has Low Drive, or has some psychological issue where he is only aroused by risqué or sleazy images, he may have turned to porn BECAUSE of that association, rather than the porn creating it. I'm not convinced the science/psychology of arousal is really that well understood. (Any more than any other fetish, or even same-sex attraction/homosexuality).

That being said, it certainly is not "wrong" for the OP to end this marriage because of sexual incompatibility. Sex can be a deal breaker.

I'm just not convinced that it is all necessarily something the OP's husband brought upon himself, or that he can control. What if he was impotent from diabetes and for whatever reason, couldn't have an implant, etc.? If that was a deal-breaker for the wife, most people would say that she should go her own way, but it wouldn't be necessary to vilify the husband. Just leave because the marriage doesn't work for her.
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post #48 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 02:00 AM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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He has been to countless doctors, has been on clomid and has sought professional help for his LD.
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She has been married for 5 years. He's been like this most of the 5 years. He refuses to listen to what she wants and requires her to dress up in a manner that makes her feel like she is not herself. From what she said, she's asked him to give a little on this and refuses to. He refuses to change. Re-read her post.
Actually, reading her initial post seems to contradict your insinuation that he's not making an effort. She clearly states that he has "been to countless doctors, has been on clomid, and sought professional help for his LD". If going on clomid (a hormonal modulating medication) with potential side-effects doesn't count as making an effort, I have no idea what would count in your book. That seems like an effort to me.

I have enough experience in human health and disease to know that that people with problems often adapt, sometimes in ways that lead to other problems. I concede it is possible that the OP's husband may have habituated himself through porn, but I think it is also quite possible--and given his Low Drive status, possibly more likely--that he has found that more sleazy imagery was the only semi-solution to his LD problem, and he adopted that both through his porn use and need for his wife to wear similar outfits.

I understand that this may not be an acceptable solution for the OP and may potentially turn her off sex with her husband. Fine. Then, if there is no other solution, they may need to part ways, and I don't blame her for it. However, I certainly don't think it is appropriate for you and other posters to say "he refuses to change" after submitting himself to hormonal manipulation and seeing many professionals. That is certainly not a refusal by any means. It may be unsuccessful, but not a refusal.

I have no idea what makes people fixated on sexual fetishes, whether it be risqué clothing, foot fetish or whatever. (For that matter, I also don't know what makes someone homosexual/bisexual/heterosexual or whatever). To my reading, I don't see any clear consensus in the psychiatric community as to the cause of any paraphilia, which this behavior would likely fall into.

So, I take issue with the contentions that a) the husband hasn't made an effort and b) it is under his control. I totally get that the OP may not be able to continue in this situation. But it's not necessary, or even proper, to disparage the OP's husband when he has gone through the steps of seeking professional help and subjecting himself to hormonal manipulation.
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post #49 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 02:25 AM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

Sunflower- Was he diagnosed with Low T? Why was he given clomid?


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post #50 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 03:51 AM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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If Mrs.CuddleBug came to me right now, one of my fantasies is you dress up as a fireman.......you know what? I WOULD DO IT!!!

I wouldn't feel that dressing up before sex is a bad thing at all. I would see it as a fun spicy thing and the more the merrier.

Would I feel soul crushed? NO.

We can stop doing this when we're old.

If I told Mrs.CuddeBug, I just want to have sex with you natural, nothing special.......BORING, SNORE......would get old fast.

You're only young once and why throw it away on mediocre, boring, natural? Why not spice it up as much as possible? I would love this.
What if she told you that she can only get sexually turned on by you if you dress like a fireman every single time you have sex? That this is the only way she will have sex with you?

From what the OP says, it’s not just that her husband requires that she dress up… but it’s that she dresses like a porn star. Not that she dresses like a female version of a firemen, or a waitress… but like a sex worker/porn star. The message is very different with different types of dress.

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post #51 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 04:15 AM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

If the husband can't get it up... and I know what that is like. Then some sort of solution will be needed, but who knows. What are the ages? You said you were a virgin, does that mean he was also much older than you? If he is 60+ years old, that becomes a challenge. If he's in his 20s or early 30s - its usually a health issue and/or a porn problem.

Now when I had ED issues, it was mental trauma that needed to be worked out. Viagra did not work. But at no point was did I have a "don't care" type attitude.

His slooty / pretend to be someone-else fantasy ALL THE time *IS*/always was a problem. You should be able to make love your SO

If he's content with his LD and/or doesn't care to do anymore. Then something needs to give. Don't give in to cheating. But you're going to have to have a direct, matter-of-face, honest talk with your husband.

1 - you need sex and intimacy that he isn't giving.
2 - this is the only area that he's lacking... but you haven't cheated on him - but you want to have sex.

So he has options:
A - He makes an effort to resolve the problem (if its actually medical - then your are SOL)
B - The outfits are not going to work FOR YOU, its not fair and it means he's pretending to have sex with someone else... that is NOT YOU. If he can't give you that respect... then what? It goes back to A (resolve the sexual problem)

C - you divorce from each other or separate.
D - You get to have sex with other men while he babysits. Maybe he wants that? Maybe he'll finally get hard? But even so - it will likely end in divorce.

There isn't much beyond that.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #52 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 07:27 AM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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There are different "modes" in which people express their sexuality and seek validation. It sounds as if you want "partner engagement" which is an experience in which two people are highly connected to one another emotionally and very accepting of each other just as they are. Meanwhile your husband enjoys "role play" in which he has a fantasy that needs to be acted out and scripted. Role play often involves pretending to be someone that you are not.

Both modes of sexual engagement have their merits. Some people with a great deal of confidence enjoy assuming the "role" of someone else and it does not conflict with their sense of self. If anything it actually helps expand on their sense of self as the realize that they can be capable of becoming anyone if they choose to do so. However this personality type is likely rare in the bedroom.

Some people (probably most) simply need to be themselves and say, "this is who I am" and feel loved. There is a great deal of sexual validation in "just being yourself." For those that need this type of experience, role playing can be highly problematic.

It sounds to me as if it will be a struggle for your husband to adapt to a type of playful scenario in which you just get to be yourself. Perhaps there are some rather erotic moments in your past that you could act out with your husband in which you get to play the part of yourself (past of future). The problem is that your husband likely needs some sort of script to follow. He could be suffering from some sort of performance anxiety and having a script may help him anticipate what happens and when. If that is the case, you just have to come up with a script that you can act out that just lets you be yourself, and your husband will know what to expect and what to do to help prevent any anxiety.

Not sure if that will help, but perhaps a different way to think about things.

Badsanta
Love this!

It's an interesting topic, the whole role-play, dressing up thing, and I see both sides.

A number of years ago, I asked my wife, just for kicks, to put on this 'sexy' wig she had bought as part of a halloween costume. I thought nothing of it, truly, as it would just be something different. She responded very negatively, and insinuated that I wanted her to 'be someone else' - which was not true, obviously, but try explaining that! (worth noting that this didn't infuriate her or anything, it was more of a 'you're kidding me, right?' response) But I absolutely didn't expect that.

So to her, she heard 'you're not good enough, make yourself look different for my benefit'. To me, I was just trying to have fun. In my head, she's still my wife - not someone else.

But that got me thinking - why did I ask her to make herself look different? It's not like I'm bored of her. It's not like I need something/someone new.

In any case, it's just one of those unwritten rules about relationships (marriage especially...) - don't ask (and never tell) your wife to dress up, for any occasion, ever. You're pretty much saying "get sexy!" And she's hearing "you're not sexy".

My wife, like most women, has sexy lingerie, that she bought of her own accord, for my benefit (as well as hers). She would wear something sexy maybe once a month or so, up until that ONE time I asked her to. Never. Saw. It. Again.


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post #53 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 08:00 AM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Cuddle bug,
I do not think dressing up is a bad thing. I. Fact it can be fun and exciting. However, I have been at a point in my marriage for the past 5 years where my husband literally doesn't want to have sex with ME unless I'm dressed up to the nines as someone I am not. So really, there is a deeper issue here. He says he needs this in order to get excited everytime. He complains if I look upset about it or comment about him not liking me for who I am. He says I'm not understanding of his "needs". I'm sick of his needs I have catered to his needs for 5 years all while sacrificing my own happiness. Idk when the last time was that he asked me what I wanted on the bedroom or if I wanted him to do anything special.
I would just say "no". And if he complained and went on about "his needs", I'd just say "there be two people here buddy".

Foot down.

Honestly, if I felt I wasn't appreciated for who I am, I wouldn't put up with it for as long as you have. Not even close.
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post #54 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Though it isn't a fetish for me, I love naked sex as much as dress up sex. It is the variety that I enjoy. So I'm never going to require or even ask someone to do it the same way every time, that would be boring as hell.

The OP's husband only wanting it one way and the same way every time is boring as hell, too.
The OP at this point does not need variety it seems, I think she would be happy doing the same thing over and over as long as it does not involve her having to dress up anymore. She seems upset that she just can't be herself, relax, and allow sex to be simple and natural in her marriage. I think if sex were simple and natural that she would be ecstatically happy, even if many people would define that as boring.

What is interesting is that you would claim to have problems with the OP's husband as well if you envision yourself in that same marriage. Your problem would however be the result of boredom if he insisted for you to dress up the same way time after time. Meanwhile you have no problem with dressing up, nor does the OP for that matter. But I do not think "boredom" is the core issue for the OP. She just wants to be herself, she just wants things to be simple, she likely craves for boredom if it can come in the form of just being simple and natural every time.

On the other hand what are the husband's issues? He seems to have a compulsion/fetish for lingerie and without it he can not function sexually. I would argue that he has become dependent upon overstimulation, and that lingerie is his goto choice to enhance his experience.

The best question to ask in my opinion, is what other ways can she overstimulate her husband that leads to a more natural experience for her? What ways can she overstimulate her husband that she can attribute to her just being herself?

I'm thinking a blind fold would be a great place to start! Sensory deprivation can cause other parts of the brain to become hyperactive and overstimulated. His visual cortex needs to be retrained and rewired during sex.

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post #55 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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My wife, like most women, has sexy lingerie, that she bought of her own accord, for my benefit (as well as hers). She would wear something sexy maybe once a month or so, up until that ONE time I asked her to. Never. Saw. It. Again.
My wife has not worn any lingerie in over a decade. Like you, as soon as I asked for it, I never saw it again.
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post #56 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 11:03 AM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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What is interesting is that you would claim to have problems with the OP's husband as well if you envision yourself in that same marriage. Your problem would however be the result of boredom if he insisted for you to dress up the same way time after time. Meanwhile you have no problem with dressing up, nor does the OP for that matter. But I do not think "boredom" is the core issue for the OP. She just wants to be herself, she just wants things to be simple, she likely craves for boredom if it can come in the form of just being simple and natural every time.
Badsanta
I called him boring, and called anyone else who only wanted it the same way every time boring...but my real problem with the OP's husband would be the same as the OP is having: he has no regard for what she needs or wants, he is stuck in his head in his fetish and it is ruining their intimacy because it isn't about her, it is about an old porn habit for him. GROSS.

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post #57 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 11:51 AM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

I haven't seen anything about the age gap between the OP and her H. I think there are a few things going on. First his porn usage HAS changed how he responds to visual/emotional stimulation for sex. He seems to not have that link between marital love and sexuality - that sex to him is merely a means to getting off. But there potentially additional facets to the is issue as well. If he's significantly older than the OP - even if he's in his mid 40s - we may be talking about a completely different world view between the two. She's the younger woman who never had another partner besides him - and because of her sex drive she wants different things out of life. The H appears to actually not be all that into sex anymore - with porn usage significantly lower than in earlier years. So he may either be suffering from low T or he may simply be moving into another phase where sex will never be that high on his list again.

I have no idea what the age difference is between the two, but I will say that I've NEVER been a huge fan of relationships with significant age gaps. While sex is one reason why age gaps are not great, the emotional side of the situation is probably an even bigger challenge. With the big age gap, life expectations/goals can be significantly different. Life experiences are more than likely to be very different. At the risk of stereotyping, when you have a significant age gap you are going to see someone with mommy/daddy issues, someone who is emotionally stunted or someone who is looking for a trophy/status symbol. JMHO.
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post #58 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 12:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

Yes, My husband is 10 years older. He is 40.
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post #59 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 12:18 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Will my husband only want me when I'm dressed up as someone I am not?
When I first saw the title of your thread, I was going to tell you to appreciate the fact that your husband still views you as someone very sexy and turns to you instead of images of other women.

However, your predicament is obviously much different than that more common scenario. It seems rare for sexual problems/mismatches to ever be completely fixed to everyone's satisfaction.
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post #60 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 12:21 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Yes, My husband is 10 years older. He is 40.
We're not talking about someone in their late 50s, 60s or older, so I don't think he's losing sex drive due to natural aging. If I was married to a woman 10 years younger than me who had an athletic build due to working out AND had a healthy sex drive...I'd be having A LOT of sex...LOL. I'm saying that as a 42 YO male who can both look at porn regularly and still feel strong desire for my 43 YO wife (who still looks great to me btw). To me, I'd take a serious look at his T levels thru consultation with his PCP. If the PCP can't help much, then a referral to a Dr that treats male hormone issues. That plus him needing to figure out that RL is so much sweeter - sexually - than porn fantasy and he can get this licked. The way you described your H, I thought we were talking about an old man. He's younger than I thought and you are older than I thought. Not sure what that means yet from an emotional POV.
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