There are different "modes" in which people express their sexuality and seek validation. It sounds as if you want "partner engagement" which is an experience in which two people are highly connected to one another emotionally and very accepting of each other just as they are. Meanwhile your husband enjoys "role play" in which he has a fantasy that needs to be acted out and scripted. Role play often involves pretending to be someone that you are not.
Both modes of sexual engagement have their merits. Some people with a great deal of confidence enjoy assuming the "role" of someone else and it does not conflict with their sense of self. If anything it actually helps expand on their sense of self as the realize that they can be capable of becoming anyone if they choose to do so. However this personality type is likely rare in the bedroom.
Some people (probably most) simply need to be themselves and say, "this is who I am" and feel loved. There is a great deal of sexual validation in "just being yourself." For those that need this type of experience, role playing can be highly problematic.
It sounds to me as if it will be a struggle for your husband to adapt to a type of playful scenario in which you just get to be yourself. Perhaps there are some rather erotic moments in your past that you could act out with your husband in which you get to play the part of yourself (past of future). The problem is that your husband likely needs some sort of script to follow. He could be suffering from some sort of performance anxiety and having a script may help him anticipate what happens and when. If that is the case, you just have to come up with a script that you can act out that just lets you be yourself, and your husband will know what to expect and what to do to help prevent any anxiety.
Not sure if that will help, but perhaps a different way to think about things.
It's an interesting topic, the whole role-play, dressing up thing, and I see both sides.
A number of years ago, I asked my wife, just for kicks, to put on this 'sexy' wig she had bought as part of a halloween costume. I thought nothing of it, truly, as it would just be something different. She responded very negatively, and insinuated that I wanted her to 'be someone else' - which was not true, obviously, but try explaining that! (worth noting that this didn't infuriate her or anything, it was more of a 'you're kidding me, right?' response) But I absolutely didn't expect that.
So to her, she heard 'you're not good enough, make yourself look different for my benefit'. To me, I was just trying to have fun. In my head, she's still my wife - not someone else.
But that got me thinking - why did I ask her to make herself look different? It's not like I'm bored of her. It's not like I need something/someone new.
In any case, it's just one of those unwritten rules about relationships (marriage especially...) - don't ask (and never tell
) your wife to dress up, for any occasion, ever.
You're pretty much saying "get sexy!" And she's hearing "you're not sexy".
My wife, like most women, has sexy lingerie, that she bought of her own accord, for my benefit (as well as hers). She would wear something sexy maybe once a month or so, up until that ONE time I asked her to. Never. Saw. It. Again.