Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 02:35 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

My husband has a low sex drive. We have been together for just about 8 years now. When we met I was a virgin. I have a very high sex drive and I am the female in the relationship. He has been to countless doctors, has been on clomid and has sought professional help for his LD. I go to counseling on my own but believe it's maybe time for him to be included.
I am beginning to give up. I feel I will never be satisfied in this relationship sexually. The other issue is that my husband had a large addiction to porn before we were together. He thinks of me as a pin up model. I have to nearly wear some ****tt outfit for him to be turned on and to want to have sex with me. I am a very good wife, we have a young child together and I believe our relationship is healthy in other areas. However, I can't do this forever. Every time I tell him it's hurtful that I nearly need to be someone I am not in the bedroom for him to be turned on, he gets annoyed. He feels like I am not "understanding" this is what he needs to be turned on with a low sex drive. Am I being the ridiculous one or is he?
I am younger then him. Ia starting to have feelings for other men. I went out with my girlfriend two weeks ago and met a young man, I felt very emotionally and physically attracted to. I think about him often. The main thing I think about is how I may not have to dress up for this other human being to be sexually attracted to me and want me. I feel like I think about it often. Will this always be how I feel? Will this ever change? Will my husband only want me when I'm dressed up as someone I am not?
I hate to end a marriage because of sex. I also hate to break up a marriage with a young child. I sometimes think an open relationship would be a good answer. I have been understanding and worked with him for 5 years on this. I'm beginning to think this is the end.
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post #2 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 02:48 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Originally Posted by Sunflower9119 View Post
My husband has a low sex drive. We have been together for just about 8 years now. When we met I was a virgin. I have a very high sex drive and I am the female in the relationship. He has been to countless doctors, has been on clomid and has sought professional help for his LD. I go to counseling on my own but believe it's maybe time for him to be included.
I am beginning to give up. I feel I will never be satisfied in this relationship sexually. The other issue is that my husband had a large addiction to porn before we were together. He thinks of me as a pin up model. I have to nearly wear some ****tt outfit for him to be turned on and to want to have sex with me. I am a very good wife, we have a young child together and I believe our relationship is healthy in other areas. However, I can't do this forever. Every time I tell him it's hurtful that I nearly need to be someone I am not in the bedroom for him to be turned on, he gets annoyed. He feels like I am not "understanding" this is what he needs to be turned on with a low sex drive. Am I being the ridiculous one or is he?
I am younger then him. Ia starting to have feelings for other men. I went out with my girlfriend two weeks ago and met a young man, I felt very emotionally and physically attracted to. I think about him often. The main thing I think about is how I may not have to dress up for this other human being to be sexually attracted to me and want me. I feel like I think about it often. Will this always be how I feel? Will this ever change? Will my husband only want me when I'm dressed up as someone I am not?
I hate to end a marriage because of sex. I also hate to break up a marriage with a young child. I sometimes think an open relationship would be a good answer. I have been understanding and worked with him for 5 years on this. I'm beginning to think this is the end.


There is nothing wrong with ending a marriage because of sex. Your marriage might be ending because your husband has developed a fetish and cannot become aroused without the use of that fetish and that fetish is porn. Your husband expects you to go to extreme measures to have sex yet is unwilling to examine his own issues wrt to fetishizing porn.

I have no idea if sex therapy can help your husband develop better more realistic expectations and ideals regarding sex and his relationships, but I doubt it.

When anyone, male or female, turn to solo play via some sort of porn they are essentially cutting themselves off from their partner on an emotionally intimate level. They are using porn to quickly and easily satisfy their desire for sexual release. A person who exclusively seeks porn (or very close to exclusively) and cannot or does not have sexual energy to give to their partner, they are choosing to turn away from true intimacy, thus a true relationship.

This is not a person to be married to.

Tell your husband to get help or get out. He already knows he has a porn problem but he may not know he has a porn fetish which cuts you out of his sexual expression entirely.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #3 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 02:54 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

Actually my husband doesn't use porn anymore. He literally doesn't have the drive. The only time he has used porn is while I have been away, visiting my parents. But otherwise, he is very lazy and just doesn't have the energy.
It's his prior interest in porn and his expectations of me dressing up as a pin up model that have been damaging to our relationship. I feel like the only time he truly was interested in having sex with ME was when we were first together and I was new to him. Shortly after we were engaged, he became more satisfied with me dressing up in outfits, pretending to be someone I was not. Now in order for him to have sex and be turned on, I literally have to be in some get up. It's a sad reality. But I am beginning to think this is the beginning to an end.
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post #4 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

Your husband says that you are not understanding about his needs. But it seems that he does not care to even contemplate why you needing to be someone besides yourself for him to be interested in sex bothers you.

The main different between marriage and other kinds of relationships is sex. If the sex is not working, the marriage is not working.

Divorce because of sexual problems in a marriage is a valid reason for divorce. I would not stay married in a situation like yours.

Your are thinking about other men because your husband has no desire to meet your sexual needs. The lack of having your needs met is causing you serious problems. You either need to kill your own sexual desires to the point of you not having any or you need to get a divorce. There really is no middle ground. And killing your sexual desires will go a long way to kill who you are.

It's just not worth doing that to yourself.
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post #5 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Originally Posted by Sunflower9119 View Post
Actually my husband doesn't use porn anymore. He literally doesn't have the drive. The only time he has used porn is while I have been away, visiting my parents. But otherwise, he is very lazy and just doesn't have the energy.
It's his prior interest in porn and his expectations of me dressing up as a pin up model that have been damaging to our relationship. I feel like the only time he truly was interested in having sex with ME was when we were first together and I was new to him. Shortly after we were engaged, he became more satisfied with me dressing up in outfits, pretending to be someone I was not. Now in order for him to have sex and be turned on, I literally have to be in some get up. It's a sad reality. But I am beginning to think this is the beginning to an end.

Yes, I got that he doesn't use porn anymore. But his sexual arousal pattern is stuck on porn.

If he uses porn when you're away, he is still using porn.

How do you know isn't still beating off to porn and that's why he's got nothing for you?

It IS the end! Like @EleGirl said, staying with this man will destroy your sense of yourself and make you doubt your self worth. This is not a man to be married to...for anyone!

There is nothing wrong with divorcing because your husband doesn't desire you. In fact, there is something wrong with a woman who stays with a man who doesn't desire her!

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #6 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 05:43 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunflower9119 View Post
My husband has a low sex drive. We have been together for just about 8 years now. When we met I was a virgin. I have a very high sex drive and I am the female in the relationship. He has been to countless doctors, has been on clomid and has sought professional help for his LD. I go to counseling on my own but believe it's maybe time for him to be included.
I am beginning to give up. I feel I will never be satisfied in this relationship sexually. The other issue is that my husband had a large addiction to porn before we were together. He thinks of me as a pin up model. I have to nearly wear some ****tt outfit for him to be turned on and to want to have sex with me. I am a very good wife, we have a young child together and I believe our relationship is healthy in other areas. However, I can't do this forever. Every time I tell him it's hurtful that I nearly need to be someone I am not in the bedroom for him to be turned on, he gets annoyed. He feels like I am not "understanding" this is what he needs to be turned on with a low sex drive. Am I being the ridiculous one or is he?
I am younger then him. Ia starting to have feelings for other men. I went out with my girlfriend two weeks ago and met a young man, I felt very emotionally and physically attracted to. I think about him often. The main thing I think about is how I may not have to dress up for this other human being to be sexually attracted to me and want me. I feel like I think about it often. Will this always be how I feel? Will this ever change? Will my husband only want me when I'm dressed up as someone I am not?
I hate to end a marriage because of sex. I also hate to break up a marriage with a young child. I sometimes think an open relationship would be a good answer. I have been understanding and worked with him for 5 years on this. I'm beginning to think this is the end.


So his LD was really from his porn addiction. Makes sense.

There is nothing wrong dressing up sexy to seduce your hubby. Try cosplay.

Men are 'very' visual. If we see a hot woman, dressed all sexy, that immediately turns us on.

Why do you think women dress sexy, high heels, makeup, showing their breasts, bum, feet, etc.? Us guys are visual, we notice and get turned on.

It's called spicing it up. Nothing wrong with this.


If you continue to dress sexy for him, some cosplay, would that get him off porn and more into you?


Express your fantasies to him. Maybe he dresses up as a fireman? Or police office? Or male stripper?

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post #7 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 06:09 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

There are different "modes" in which people express their sexuality and seek validation. It sounds as if you want "partner engagement" which is an experience in which two people are highly connected to one another emotionally and very accepting of each other just as they are. Meanwhile your husband enjoys "role play" in which he has a fantasy that needs to be acted out and scripted. Role play often involves pretending to be someone that you are not.

Both modes of sexual engagement have their merits. Some people with a great deal of confidence enjoy assuming the "role" of someone else and it does not conflict with their sense of self. If anything it actually helps expand on their sense of self as the realize that they can be capable of becoming anyone if they choose to do so. However this personality type is likely rare in the bedroom.

Some people (probably most) simply need to be themselves and say, "this is who I am" and feel loved. There is a great deal of sexual validation in "just being yourself." For those that need this type of experience, role playing can be highly problematic.

It sounds to me as if it will be a struggle for your husband to adapt to a type of playful scenario in which you just get to be yourself. Perhaps there are some rather erotic moments in your past that you could act out with your husband in which you get to play the part of yourself (past of future). The problem is that your husband likely needs some sort of script to follow. He could be suffering from some sort of performance anxiety and having a script may help him anticipate what happens and when. If that is the case, you just have to come up with a script that you can act out that just lets you be yourself, and your husband will know what to expect and what to do to help prevent any anxiety.

Not sure if that will help, but perhaps a different way to think about things.

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post #8 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 06:12 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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So his LD was really from his porn addiction. Makes sense.

There is nothing wrong dressing up sexy to seduce your hubby. Try cosplay.

Men are 'very' visual. If we see a hot woman, dressed all sexy, that immediately turns us on.

Why do you think women dress sexy, high heels, makeup, showing their breasts, bum, feet, etc.? Us guys are visual, we notice and get turned on.

It's called spicing it up. Nothing wrong with this.


If you continue to dress sexy for him, some cosplay, would that get him off porn and more into you?


Express your fantasies to him. Maybe he dresses up as a fireman? Or police office? Or male stripper?
I think you miss her point. Sure it can be fun and sexy to dress up SOME TIMES.

But when it's the only way that a guy wants to have sex with his wife, there's a problem.

Sometimes she just wants to know what he finds her sexy for who she is. Sometimes she wants to not have to work so hard to get him interested in her.
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post #9 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 06:15 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

Sunflower9119,

I agree with Anon. How do you know that your husband no longer uses porn. I'll bet that he uses it when he knows that you are not around. It is very common for men who use porn to hide it.
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post #10 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 06:28 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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Originally Posted by Sunflower9119 View Post
I am beginning to give up. I feel I will never be satisfied in this relationship sexually. The other issue is that my husband had a large addiction to porn before we were together. He thinks of me as a pin up model. I have to nearly wear some ****tt outfit for him to be turned on and to want to have sex with me.
Hi @Sunflower9119,

Okay are you serious? What man doesn't want his wife to dress up before sex? That's what makes it so much fun! It's a celebration of a wife's beauty to dress up before sex! What's wrong with that? I think it's normal and healthy! And you should bask in the beauty of who you are and enjoy it too!

Sure, I totally get you not wanting to dress up all the time. But be real! This is part of the sexual relationship and a beautiful part of it1 A woman's beauty is such a beautiful thing to celebrate. Unless he has you dressing up in some freak outfit that takes away from your dignity as a person, I really don't see the problem. I loved when my wife dressed in sexy outfits for me before sex. But those days are long gone and they're gone forever. And you want to talk about problems?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunflower9119 View Post
Ia starting to have feelings for other men. I went out with my girlfriend two weeks ago and met a young man, I felt very emotionally and physically attracted to. I think about him often. The main thing I think about is how I may not have to dress up for this other human being to be sexually attracted to me and want me. I feel like I think about it often. Will this always be how I feel? Will this ever change? Will my husband only want me when I'm dressed up as someone I am not?
Might it be that you're just bored in your marriage and you're using this whole "dressing up for sex" thing as an excuse because you're really already bored with your husband and you want to be with the man you're already attracted to? Forgive me, but the statement above sounds to me like you're just using your husband's need for you to dress up as an excuse to end the marriage and go with the other man. I apologize if I am coming across as too judgemental here. But I have to be honest, it's what it sounds like to be. But what do I know?

And forgive me, but you saying "I may not have to dress up for this other human being sexually..." is just so transparent. Are you kidding me? You're not serious, are you? I mean, cry me a river! You can't be serious!

As for your husband's porn addiction, that's a problem with many men.

I hope I am not coming across as too judgemental here. I just see you as someone who has a good thing and is not grateful for what they have.
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post #11 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 06:48 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

I get it. It can be a crushing thing to feel like who you are isn't enough for your husband. I am pretty confident he is still using porn. It's easy for people to hide it if they want to (unless your married to me ) Don't listen to people telling you that you should be ok with it, because you aren't. No one can tell you how you should feel, and you shouldn't apologize for being hurt about it. It's YOU who has to live with it, and only you can decide if you can take this. Though it sounds like you can't and he sounds like he doesn't care. Sex isn't one sided. To him it is. If one of you isn't enjoying it, the the both of you should care enough to fix it. But he doesn't.

On our wedding day, my H came to me the day before and asked "hey tomorrow when you get ready, would you mind not wearing any makeup? Or only a small bit? You don't have to I just wanted to see if that was ok." I asked him why and he told me he wants to see me for who I am, and take me for who i am. It's a very empowering feeling. So take your feelings seriously, and put yourself FIRST for a change.

This makes me sad. Sex can be such an amazing centering thing. Makes the world spin right when that special connection is there. Don't settle for anyone who doesn't want to bring you that happiness.

Good luck.
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post #12 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 06:49 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

Chances are he is still watching porn and his "ld" is only because he has satisfied himself already. Wanting to dress up all the time is probably because of the porn and what he sees and likes. Please don't let anybody here make you feel as if it is your duty to dress up and please him. If this is the only way he can get turned on, he has the problem, not you.


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post #13 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 06:51 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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I think you miss her point. Sure it can be fun and sexy to dress up SOME TIMES.

But when it's the only way that a guy wants to have sex with his wife, there's a problem.

Sometimes she just wants to know what he finds her sexy for who she is. Sometimes she wants to not have to work so hard to get him interested in her.


This is the time to wean him off porn and how she can do this is dress up and rock his world with adventurous sex.

Over time, she doesn't have to dress up as much anymore. A little less over time but still dress up to spice things up.

Now if he is addicted to porn and expects her to dress up like porn actresses, or he's not interested, then he has a real problem. Therapy for him, counseling?

Problem is us guys are very visual. The hotter the woman, in great shape and not over weight, with more adventurous sex the better. It becomes an addiction and unrealistic.

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post #14 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 06:54 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

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This is the time to wean him off porn and how she can do this is dress up and rock his world with adventurous sex.



Over time, she doesn't have to dress up as much anymore. A little less over time but still dress up to spice things up.



Now if he is addicted to porn and expects her to dress up like porn actresses, or he's not interested, then he has a real problem. Therapy for him, counseling?


Absolutely wrong advice. Acting like some character he fantizes about is only fueling his fantasy world. He needs to be in the real world, with his real wife, not a character.


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post #15 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 06:57 PM
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Re: Husband always wants me to dress up for him to have sex.

From an article:


Usually when we think of rebuilding sex lives we think that we have to somehow compete with pornography. We want to be so arousing that he wonít need it anymore, and so we go the lingerie route, or we decide to try new things. That actually feeds into his addiction, because what he really needs is to experience the sexual high that comes from relational and spiritual intimacy, and not just from visual arousal or fantasy. Itís not that you can never wear lingerie again; itís just that in the initial recovery period, the aim is not to be ďporn liteĒ in your marriage; itís to help him channel his sexual energy in a different direction: towards you. If you try to just act out pornography, you actually encourage him to keep those fantasies in his head alive, and you do nothing to retrain his brain.


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