Normal Sex after Porn Addiction - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 16Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 08:20 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 119
Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
Is it that you do not allow him to look at you nude outside of a sexual context out of fear that it may trigger him, or do you not even feel comfortable with him looking at you even during intimacy?



I've read a instance of one wife that did not have problems with her husband using porn so long as it was something that was not hidden. In this case her confidence was shattered because she feared that when her husband looked at her that he was fantasizing about her as if she was a porn star. She has to close her eyes and look away. When she would open her eyes and find him ogling her during sex it would be very disturbing to her. If you feel that same way, then you are not alone.



The question becomes how do you work with your husband towards something that can resemble a normal sex life again?



In my opinion I think a therapist would recommend spending time together in the nude more often until it becomes something that is more relaxed and normal. The easiest time to start with this might be just after sex during the male refractory period while your husband temporarily is unable to become aroused again. If you can keep him awake that is!



Badsanta


I don't feel comfortable with him looking at me naked now since discovery of the porn. I never used to feel self-conscience about my looks. Now, I don't know if he's comparing me to what he is seen and I do feel bad about myself. Porn tears apart people, marriages, spouses and it takes them somewhere almost impossible to get out of.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
hifromme67 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 09:27 PM
Member
 
Plan 9 from OS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,515
Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by hifromme67 View Post
The text was basically " hey, I'm in the mood and I really want it." Not wanting him to see me naked is totally different. I am now uncomfortable with that because in my head (and in most spouses of PA) they feel as if we cannot compare with "perfect" porn stars. I don't have fake boobs, fake butt, not 21, doubld D breasts, etc. There is no way of competing with that and it destroys you as a woman.

I believe him when he tells me he is sober. He knows that this is his last chance at the marriage because he has screwed up so many times before in other areas. It has only been a year and it is my understanding that an addiction is lifelong. With that said, I love him but seeing what I have to give up as far as my own sexuality is sometimes too much.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
It all depends on what type of porn he was using. Not all porn is of the Playboy PMOMs/PMOYs variety. There's all kinds of porn available to fill any niche you an think of.
Plan 9 from OS is offline  
post #18 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 10:47 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 119
Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by Plan 9 from OS View Post
It all depends on what type of porn he was using. Not all porn is of the Playboy PMOMs/PMOYs variety. There's all kinds of porn available to fill any niche you an think of.


When I discovered the porn on his phone, it was just a close up of a penis and a vagina. Thank God it was nothing really freaky because it's been tough getting images out of my head. One time in counseling, I asked what kind of porn he was watching. At that time, it was a few months after the porn discovery and still having sex issues. So I became upset in counseling and said maybe he was watching so and so and that's why he couldn't get turned on. The therapist said I really shouldn't know that stuff and if he wanted to tell me that was up to him. When we left there and got in the car, he asked me if I wanted to know. Of course I said yes. He said it was nothing crazy but he watched threesomes and different nationalities. Not that it made me feel any bettet. I just know I felt cheated and humiliated because with me he has ALWAYS been very vanilla. Not wanting to talk nasty or try anything new. Yet here was this other side of him. Through therapy I am beginning to understand it a bit more but I don't think I'll ever fully get it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
hifromme67 is offline  
post #19 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 10:59 PM
Member
 
happy as a clam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 5,426
Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

I have nothing against porn.

His problem is not porn (aside from your religious objection)... his problem is addiction. Until he gets to the root of his addiction -- could just as easily be alcohol, pot, gambling, etc -- he will continue to struggle with this. It's doubly hard because sex is a normal part of marriage so he's faced with it everyday.

Unless he tackles the real issues driving the addiction, he won't get better. Simply avoiding triggers (and you!) isn't going to cut it--at present he's no different than a "dry drunk". Sure, they give up the booze, but haven't dealt with the underlying issues so all of the problems are still there.

Maybe he should look into finding a new therapist. Sounds like he may have reached the end of the line with this one. Just plain bad advice that you don't "need to know his triggers"...

"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
~ Sandfly

Last edited by happy as a clam; 02-06-2017 at 11:10 PM.
happy as a clam is offline  
post #20 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 11:17 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 119
Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by happy as a clam View Post
I have nothing against porn.

His problem is not porn (aside from your religious objection)... his problem is addiction. Until he gets to the root of his addiction -- could just as easily be alcohol, pot, gambling, etc -- he will continue to struggle with this. It's doubly hard because sex is a normal part of marriage so he's faced with it everyday.

Unless he tackles the real issues driving the addiction, he won't get better. Simply avoiding triggers (and you!) isn't going to cut it--at present he's no different than a "dry drunk". Sure, they give up the booze, but haven't dealt with the underlying issues so all of the problems are still there.

Maybe he should look into finding a new therapist. Sounds like he may have reached the end of the line with this one. Just plain bad advice that you don't "need to know his triggers"...


I agree with you on this. He is happy with her because he has stopped watching porn. I don't know what they discuss in there. I know that they have discussed triggers because she told me so when I was seeing her for IC. He is a very difficult person to get through to. He is still full of shame and embarrassment and I think that prevents him from truly being open. He would rather aboid discussing things and pretend things are okay instead of being embarrassed.

During the time that I noticed changes in our sex life and I look back and feel the addiction escalated, we were having significant marital issues and were in joint counseling. He was also have big issues with his mother who abandoned him as a child. Since he had watched porn starting at a young age, I never noticed it because it didn't affect us. Once I noticed the rejection, excuses, etc, I at that point realized something else was going on and the porn was discovered. So I always wonder if this is why it escalated during this time.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Last edited by hifromme67; 02-06-2017 at 11:36 PM.
hifromme67 is offline  
post #21 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 07:14 AM
Member
 
Plan 9 from OS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,515
Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by hifromme67 View Post
When I discovered the porn on his phone, it was just a close up of a penis and a vagina. Thank God it was nothing really freaky because it's been tough getting images out of my head. One time in counseling, I asked what kind of porn he was watching. At that time, it was a few months after the porn discovery and still having sex issues. So I became upset in counseling and said maybe he was watching so and so and that's why he couldn't get turned on. The therapist said I really shouldn't know that stuff and if he wanted to tell me that was up to him. When we left there and got in the car, he asked me if I wanted to know. Of course I said yes. He said it was nothing crazy but he watched threesomes and different nationalities. Not that it made me feel any bettet. I just know I felt cheated and humiliated because with me he has ALWAYS been very vanilla. Not wanting to talk nasty or try anything new. Yet here was this other side of him. Through therapy I am beginning to understand it a bit more but I don't think I'll ever fully get it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Sounds like he was more interested in seeing sex acts being done as opposed to looking at attractive naked women. It doesn't look like he was trying to look at women because he was disappointed in your naked body.
Plan 9 from OS is offline  
post #22 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 07:47 AM
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 2,957
Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by hifromme67 View Post
Since he had watched porn starting at a young age, I never noticed it because it didn't affect us. Once I noticed the rejection, excuses, etc, I at that point realized something else was going on and the porn was discovered. So I always wonder if this is why it escalated during this time.
@hifromme67 I will share with you that in my marriage that my wife and I had a lot of problems going on. A HUGE problem with porn, and I repeat it is a HUGE problem, is that it is so easy to point the finger and blame EVERYTHING at porn and only porn as the source of problems. It is as if the topic of porn is this ugly demon that distracts all of a couple's attention away from working on other problems that are so easily buried and hidden underneath the vulgarness of porn.

Just from reading the few posts in this thread, it sounds as if you and your husband are struggling with much more than just porn. Be sure and try to put effort on those issues as well and try not to allow porn to trick you into neglecting other issues that are actually easy to solve.

It is like walking into your home and smelling smoke and the smell keeps getting worse. Then you look on the TV and see porn and become so upset that you stop noticing that something in your home is about to catch on fire. Next thing you know your TV is on fire and you insist that it was porn alone that just burned down your home. Meanwhile no one was paying any attention to dinner overcooking in the oven.
badsanta is online now  
post #23 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 10:49 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 119
Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
@hifromme67 I will share with you that in my marriage that my wife and I had a lot of problems going on. A HUGE problem with porn, and I repeat it is a HUGE problem, is that it is so easy to point the finger and blame EVERYTHING at porn and only porn as the source of problems. It is as if the topic of porn is this ugly demon that distracts all of a couple's attention away from working on other problems that are so easily buried and hidden underneath the vulgarness of porn.



Just from reading the few posts in this thread, it sounds as if you and your husband are struggling with much more than just porn. Be sure and try to put effort on those issues as well and try not to allow porn to trick you into neglecting other issues that are actually easy to solve.



It is like walking into your home and smelling smoke and the smell keeps getting worse. Then you look on the TV and see porn and become so upset that you stop noticing that something in your home is about to catch on fire. Next thing you know your TV is on fire and you insist that it was porn alone that just burned down your home. Meanwhile no one was paying any attention to dinner overcooking in the oven.


I know that we have many issues going on but while working on those, once porn was discovered, they got put on the back burner. He has been in IC and now does not want to do joint counseling with someone else. I know it is because he is ashamed and embarrassed about the porn and doesn't want to open up to someone new he doesn't know. So we are both in IC and I am stuck with not being able to discuss things in a joint setting. Plus, the most difficult part is he is not the type to say you did this wrong so I did this. Believe me, I have expressed that something was going wrong when I felt the porn escalated. All I get was "no, I watched porn because that's all I ever knew and was exposed to it as a child."


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
hifromme67 is offline  
post #24 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 11:10 AM
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 2,957
Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by hifromme67 View Post
I know that we have many issues going on but while working on those, once porn was discovered, they got put on the back burner.
While it may not be easy to just put porn on the back burner and resume work on other issues in your marriage, you may want to try doing just that in the event things just keep getting worse.

The cause and effect status of porn's relation to marital problems can become complex. Porn can actually be BOTH cause and effect at the same time, but most of the time it tends to overshadow some really important things in a marriage that are simple to deal with and need attention.

So keep that in mind! You may be surprised to find that when you focus on non-porn related problems that your husband's ability to cope with porn drastically improves and that your marriage begins to heal faster.

Badsanta
badsanta is online now  
post #25 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 11:27 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 119
Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
While it may not be easy to just put porn on the back burner and resume work on other issues in your marriage, you may want to try doing just that in the event things just keep getting worse.



The cause and effect status of porn's relation to marital problems can become complex. Porn can actually be BOTH cause and effect at the same time, but most of the time it tends to overshadow some really important things in a marriage that are simple to deal with and need attention.



So keep that in mind! You may be surprised to find that when you focus on non-porn related problems that your husband's ability to cope with porn drastically improves and that your marriage begins to heal faster.



Badsanta


Thank you! I really needed to hear something positive today. He really tries to make things up to me and tells me all the time he realizes the damage the porn has caused. I just wish it were easy to forget. I sometimes just wish I never would have discovered it. He tells me he is glad that he got caught.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
hifromme67 is offline  
post #26 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 12:16 PM
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 2,957
Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by hifromme67 View Post
Thank you! I really needed to hear something positive today. He really tries to make things up to me and tells me all the time he realizes the damage the porn has caused. I just wish it were easy to forget. I sometimes just wish I never would have discovered it. He tells me he is glad that he got caught.
When he has this conversation with you again, or he blames porn for creating damage, try to redirect him away from blaming porn. You may want to suggest that him hiding things from you and feeling ashamed was what ALSO caused a great deal damage (this should be true, so you can be sincere about it). Most men (including myself) assume our wives are way more upset about the offensive content in porn that we may have been watching than compared to the simple fact that we were hiding something. The nature of hiding something severely undermines trust in a marriage, which is the foundation of any relationship. Undermining trust in a relationship is way worse than the offensive content of a porn. Make sure that is very clear to him!

Ask him to work on ways to improve "trust" and "communication" with you in your marriage. Let him know that by doing that it will help heal your relationship from the damage that has been caused. If you feel he continues to shut down communication on topics he is struggling with, then let him know that is the equivalent of him building a barrier.

If he admits that he fears loosing you, then the two of you should watch this video together about how embracing vulnerability makes one stronger as opposed to running away from vulnerability out of fear.

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | TED Talk | TED.com

Then talk about if you agree with what was discussed in that video and how it might apply to you marriage. It is a fun video to watch because the lady is a very talented "researcher/storyteller" on the topic of vulnerability.

Regards,
Badsanta
badsanta is online now  
post #27 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 04:45 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 119
Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
When he has this conversation with you again, or he blames porn for creating damage, try to redirect him away from blaming porn. You may want to suggest that him hiding things from you and feeling ashamed was what ALSO caused a great deal damage (this should be true, so you can be sincere about it). Most men (including myself) assume our wives are way more upset about the offensive content in porn that we may have been watching than compared to the simple fact that we were hiding something. The nature of hiding something severely undermines trust in a marriage, which is the foundation of any relationship. Undermining trust in a relationship is way worse than the offensive content of a porn. Make sure that is very clear to him!



Ask him to work on ways to improve "trust" and "communication" with you in your marriage. Let him know that by doing that it will help heal your relationship from the damage that has been caused. If you feel he continues to shut down communication on topics he is struggling with, then let him know that is the equivalent of him building a barrier.



If he admits that he fears loosing you, then the two of you should watch this video together about how embracing vulnerability makes one stronger as opposed to running away from vulnerability out of fear.



Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | TED Talk | TED.com



Then talk about if you agree with what was discussed in that video and how it might apply to you marriage. It is a fun video to watch because the lady is a very talented "researcher/storyteller" on the topic of vulnerability.



Regards,

Badsanta


Broken trust is what we were working on in therapy for 1.5 years before the porn discovery. So once the discovery was made, I felt like that was the icing on the cake. Everything else got put on the back burner.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
hifromme67 is offline  
post #28 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 07:19 PM
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 2,957
Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by hifromme67 View Post
Broken trust is what we were working on in therapy for 1.5 years before the porn discovery. So once the discovery was made, I felt like that was the icing on the cake. Everything else got put on the back burner.

OUCH!

A year and a half of therapy on broken trust and THEN you discover porn... and you discovered it by "catching" him which only adds insult to the injury.

Here you go... I should not make jokes, but tell him you want to stop therapy and just buy one of these!

https://www.amazon.com/Swamiware-UP0...dp/B001RMXZ9I/



Badsanta
badsanta is online now  
post #29 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 09:16 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 119
Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Yeah not very funny, especially today.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
hifromme67 is offline  
post #30 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 11:56 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 14
Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Ok I don't know if I would listen to mr bad santa hence the name. Of course he's going to defend porn he watches it. Just because his wife gave up doesn't mean they are in a good marriage he just thinks he's happier because she gave up. If he really cared and wanted more of an intimate relationship he wouldn't be such an ass. And good intimacy makes for great sex. I'm sure his wife doesn't feel the same or enjoy it like she should. And yes porn kills relationships fast should a woman like his wife bringing a picture of his mother in the room every time he had sex with his wife? I don't think so it would kill it pretty fast so show some damn respect and kick the bad habbit why should your wife tolerate that when you wouldn't I'm talking to you mr bad santa.

Last edited by noloverelation; 02-08-2017 at 12:00 AM.
noloverelation is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation badsanta Sex in Marriage 107 03-15-2017 12:10 AM
Great marriage, poor sex life. Swatson81 Sex in Marriage 82 09-13-2016 03:23 PM
Does a sex addiction change anything. albertamom3 Coping with Infidelity 22 08-29-2016 02:02 PM
Not A Good Wife Wishes Coping with Infidelity 1001 03-27-2016 12:26 PM
What to do? Ray83 Sex in Marriage 32 12-31-2015 09:44 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome