Normal Sex after Porn Addiction - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 12:16 AM
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

I'm sorry that you have to go through that every day I know how that feels. I found porn on my husbands phone after we had our second child. He said he watched it because I didn't give him bjs at the right time of the day 😱! He wanted it in the morning WTH right!? If he would have told me I would have done it and he knew that he's just a liar. Men know they are doing something wrong that's why they hide it. And master bating kills your sex drive too. Men need to learn to control it until they get to their wives. It sounds to me like he's still doing it and he doesn't want you to find out. I'm sure if you tried to get him turned on it wouldn't work because he's already done himself recently.
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post #32 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 07:47 AM
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

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Ok I don't know if I would listen to mr bad santa hence the name. Of course he's going to defend porn he watches it. Just because his wife gave up doesn't mean they are in a good marriage he just thinks he's happier because she gave up. If he really cared and wanted more of an intimate relationship he wouldn't be such an ass. And good intimacy makes for great sex. I'm sure his wife doesn't feel the same or enjoy it like she should. And yes porn kills relationships fast should a woman like his wife bringing a picture of his mother in the room every time he had sex with his wife? I don't think so it would kill it pretty fast so show some damn respect and kick the bad habbit why should your wife tolerate that when you wouldn't I'm talking to you mr bad santa.
If I had to be put in a position to advocate for porn and the benefits it can have, I could argue that. If I had to argue how destructive porn is and the harm it can cause, I can do that as well. The variable there between those two stances would be the "context" of how and why porn is used.

By no means am I a perfect person, nor is my wife. We both have our issues and we continue to work on them. Neither of us has "given up" as you say.

Do I still look at porn? As I said I am not perfect, but I do use that struggle to try and come here to help others, and by doing so I find it helps myself. So if you see all my posts here on TAM, they were made out of the choice of, "hey I'm not going to watch porn, but instead try and find something positive to do with my time." Am I ashamed that I might still watch porn? No, because I find letting go of that shame results in me watching less and less porn. Here recently if I find myself watching any, I also find myself no longer thrilled by it, and I turn it off and enjoy doing other things instead. That is my journey. Not a perfect one by any means, but it is who I am.

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post #33 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:12 AM
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

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Yeah not very funny, especially today.
Sorry about that! Many people defend themselves with humor and use it as a barrier. But humor can also help bring down barriers. It is all about trying to look at things from a different perspective and see if humor can find a way to remind you to be thankful for something.

Remember, no one is perfect!











Cheers,
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post #34 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Porn release dopamine in the brain in large quantities which is why for men they have to find different kinds and sometimes more and more provocative porn. They essentially become unresponsive to an actual woman and look to porn to become aroused. Relationships are delicate and should be treated as such no one should be able to intrude into anyone's relationship that's why both parties need to constantly work at keeping the negative things out. Once a man get bored from porn he has damaged his dopamine receptors which in turn makes him depressed and depression sucks and kind of sex drive out of a man. I wouldn't pull your hair out about what you need to do it's not up to you it's up to your husband and a good psychiatrist. Sounds like you should do some more shopping around for a different one for your husband. As for you take care of yourself and don't be a doormat. Sounds like he's not cooperating with you and this could be worse that you know remember you just found one. How many others has he deleted and honestly he probably doesn't feel guilty because most men don't see that as anything to be ashamed of. Heck depending on where he works they probably talk about it. My husband used to work at an a/c residential company and most of the guys there kept a playboy under their seat in their work van. I can tell you still love him that's why you say he's got a problem and that's the only way to cope with something like that and not completely despise him. I was at your point I've moved way past that because I didn't want to get hurt anymore. I understand you want to love him like you used to and honestly I don't know if you will ever get that back unless he makes a big change soon and showed you he's ready to be a good husband to you. A lot of men think oh she's not young anymore that's why she doesn't act like a giddy school girl around me anymore WRONG! It's because you've stomped on her heart too much. My sister is 45 and still acts giddy around her husband and excited to see him I can see it in her eyes. He protects their marriage and respects her and obeys God. Also it is about the porn not just lying the big part is is the porn. If he needed something from you he should have told you and if he didn't what he wanted was probably something he saw watching porn and you would have wondered where he got that idea.

Also bad santa what I meant was by her excepting your porn addiction is giving up. She had to give up some of that love she once felt for you so it's not there and it won't ever fully come back. If you worked hard then you may get some of it back.

If your wife doesn't beam every time she sees you something is wrong in her life ether it's kids work or you. If you make a effort to ask and not flee from conflict and be prepared to hear what she has to say and make a change you will bring your relationship to a whole new level. If you put her feelings first you will see a different side of her and you will be working at the relationship not her. In turn she will give back because women are natural givers let her be who she naturally is a beautiful woman that has feelings that are ready to come out.

My husband did that for a week and it was awesome he said it was great too but he battles with depression form doing drugs watching porn and now dipping. He is on Wellbutrin to kick the habit and that first week he was on it he was still dipping but the way he showed he cared and he was an attentive father was something he hasn't ever done before. My life felt normal and right I thought this is how a woman is supposed to be treated after that week he started going back to his distant ******* self. He had told me to let him know when he started to act like that again and I did he would say oh I'm sorry with no caring in his tone at all. So I stayed away from him now things are back to our normal which isn't anything good.
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post #35 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 10:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

I am completely sure he is no longer watching. The frequency of our sex is completely opposite of what it was. He no longer has ED and quickly responds to my touch whereas before he didn't. I knew when he masturbated before and know now that isn't happening. That isn't the issue, the issue is how do you have a "normal" sex life after porn addiction has taken it over. I know it will be a long, long process and despite the work he has done for the last year, I don't know if I can hang on.


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post #36 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Oh well if things are getting better you'll get over it believe me it could be a lot worse. Does he show remorse? And if you start thinking about something and need to talk does he listen or get angry? Also does he look at or flirt with women while y'all are out if y'all go out on dates?
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post #37 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:09 AM
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

I guess you don't need to answer that but if he is working on getting things back together and keeps them that way doesn't go back and forth on his feelings to what he did then I would say yes. It will just take time and a lot of consoling and reassuring from him. Now if he where to do it again or show signs all of those feelings will come flooding back. And keep going to a psychiatrist and if you don't feel better walking out of that office like you have a friend find someone else.
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post #38 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 12:17 PM
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

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I am completely sure he is no longer watching. The frequency of our sex is completely opposite of what it was. He no longer has ED and quickly responds to my touch whereas before he didn't. I knew when he masturbated before and know now that isn't happening. That isn't the issue, the issue is how do you have a "normal" sex life after porn addiction has taken it over. I know it will be a long, long process and despite the work he has done for the last year, I don't know if I can hang on.
OK, your husband has stopped watching porn and masturbating to it, but am I correct that your primary problem now is that you live in a shadow of fear that he will resume that behavior if triggered?

If that is true, perhaps it would be best to try changing your perspective. Instead of focusing on the fear that he will relapse, try to focus on being thankful that your husband is going through this struggle in order to learn how to be a better spouse to you. If your husband does not show the same appreciation towards you being patient, he will look back one day and find a whole new world of meaning in the love that you have for him!

You may also find it helpful to learn that research indicates that our sexuality does NOT respond well to expectations. We compare what we have with what we expect and it only serves to frustrate one's sexuality. You may be suffering from the proverbial "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" of thinking that everyone else is blessed with something better and more "normal" in their marriages. Be sure and talk to your husband and therapist about what your expectations of "normal" are, and ask if those expectations are helpful or problematic. In the event something about your expectations is problematic (even for an average relationship), learn to be mindful of that expectation and be realistic before allowing yourself to become frustrated.

Is it fair to be frustrated that you feel that you can not trust your own husband? Well that is a situation that can create a great deal of ugliness and tax a great deal of energy out of you. Relationships built with a high level of trust can function extraordinarily efficient, but that is not to say that those relationships are free from other struggles such as health or financial misfortunes.

From where I am sitting, I admire your husband's resolve to let go of porn for his marriage and to stay away from it for so long, even if he still has his momentary struggles. Perhaps there are issues of trust that still need nurturing, but at least you have a husband that is willing to put himself through a struggle and work on his personal development for your marriage.

Don't allow the shadow of porn to allow you to focus solely on the negatives and frustrate you with your particular expectations. Take a moment each day, reflect on your marriage, find something positive, and be thankful. That is where you will find your strength.

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post #39 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 12:46 PM
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

You seem to heading in the right direction at least you still have feelings for him. When my husband and I have sex that's all it is I can't make it anything else or he will hurt me. So take it from my life you are way better off. So what kind of a normal sex life do you want? To not be uncomfortable around him or are you trying new things thinking he will like them and you not liking it because it's pornographic?

I'll have to agree with badsanta on most of his last post. Look at the positive. Sounds like you need more communication like badsanta said. Men what different things in the bedroom a lot and you can't be afraid of showing him your body. If he is getting turned on by your touch and y'all are having regular sex than that's awesome! Yes you are scared that he's going to go back and that could happen but don't let that steal your happiness he is trying for y'alls marriage most guys won't do that. Most of them ether don't say anything and skulk off say get over it at least I didn't sleep with anyone (even though it sure does feel like it).

If you don't mind me asking how long have y'all been together?
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post #40 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

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Oh well if things are getting better you'll get over it believe me it could be a lot worse. Does he show remorse? And if you start thinking about something and need to talk does he listen or get angry? Also does he look at or flirt with women while y'all are out if y'all go out on dates?


Yes he shows remores, he will talk if it is the right moment and doesn't feel attacked. He is a very defensive and closed person and always has been. He does not look at women or ogle them at all when we are out. He makes every effort to look away.


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post #41 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:22 PM
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

Sounds like you've got a lot to work with you just need time and a friend to talk to if he won't listen. I can't even go out with my husband without him looking at someone. So count your blessings. Hang in there 😊
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post #42 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

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Sounds like you've got a lot to work with you just need time and a friend to talk to if he won't listen. I can't even go out with my husband without him looking at someone. So count your blessings. Hang in there


Is your husband in any treatment?


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post #43 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:51 PM
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

OP, I completely understand where you are coming from, but as a man who wishes for the same thing with his wife. I believe, as Patrick Carnes says, you have to replace intensity with intimacy. For those who have struggled with porn, it means accepting normal sexuality, as opposed to seeking out the next, more progressive titillation. There is absolutely no doubt that porn generates the release of multiple neurotransmitters, causing "normal intimacy" to seem boring and inadequate. But, I believe that real recovery and real abstinence from porn and all of its derivatives, can, in time, allow the brain to return to a place where those neural pathways normalize. Studies have proven that's true. That's physiology. That's anatomy. The ability of a brain to change once it has been exposed and hijacked by porn and fantasy for a number of years. The real question is whether or not you and your husband, or me and my wife, for that matter, can establish new normals, which include healthy nonsexual and healthy sexual intimacy. It is almost as if, instead of restoration, what is really needed is renewal, starting over completely, throwing away the old dysfunctional intimacy. This will take time. Have you guys had a conversation in which you laid everything out on the table and acknowledged that things just aren't working, but that you WANT them to work? If you both are committed to wanting to experience real, faithful, loving, passionate intimacy, then you probably have to start at "ground zero", and just chunk it all and start over. Press a reset button. Don't even think about sex with your husband. Both of you guys start out by just being friends, just enjoying being around each other. Make time to talk, laugh, do things together. Communicate. Get re-aquainted with one another. Be kind and thoughtful to each other, help one another, compliment one another. Allow time to pass. Who knows, maybe you'll begin to date again, maybe a normal courtship will begin, and then who knows what. I told my wife that, after my addiction, and after my breech of trust, after all of the crap I have put her thru, that I realized I was nowhere near the bedroom, I was on the outskirts of the town where she lived. In other words, I was and am that far from being able to experience her in that way, in the bedroom, with passion, attraction, and romance. Metaphorically, I have to come from the outskirts of town, find her neighborhood, find her house, drive up her driveway, onto her porch, in thru the front door, then the living room, and then the bedroom. I hope that makes sense.
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post #44 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 04:31 PM
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

My husband is a recovering sex addict (porn addiction is a type of sex addiction) and we have a great sex life.

Your husband needs to see a certified sex addiction therapist, not just some random therapist. Unless they're trained, therapists can do a great deal of harm.

We practice lots, that's how we got back to having great sex after he cheated.
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post #45 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 05:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Normal Sex after Porn Addiction

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My husband is a recovering sex addict (porn addiction is a type of sex addiction) and we have a great sex life.



Your husband needs to see a certified sex addiction therapist, not just some random therapist. Unless they're trained, therapists can do a great deal of harm.



We practice lots, that's how we got back to having great sex after he cheated.


He is not seeing a CSAT. She was a therapist that we were seeing joint and individually when porn was discovered. She does have experience with sex addiction and sec offenders. My new therapist is a CSAT. He is very embarrassed so of course is difficult to open up to a new person.


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