Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My experience has been that insecurity about past lovers is one of the easiest things to deal with. If that was really the only problem with a man with whom otherwise everything was fantastic, I would pull up my sleeves and put the work in.
And just because a man doesn't have that particular hang-up doesn't mean he doesn't have other worse insecurities.
I always say that a woman should never let a man know how many people she has slept with, because men usually judge a woman harshly for having a past.
If he cannot get past the fact that you are not a virgin, the marriage will not be happy.
I was raised Catholic; the strict ones are often the most judgemental.
and I agree with Susan. Many men struggle privately with this and many women hide their pasts with shame.
Perhaps FYD is correct that many men can't handle this but many can. The answer is not to hide this very important facet of one's sexuality. I can't imagine being married to someone and not knowing anything about their sex life prior to me. It's not just about 'the number' but about their experiences in general. There is clearly not one right answer for every couple but hiding important aspects to one's past (i.e. their formative sexuality) or treating it as taboo territory doesn't seem very healthy to me.
It is one thing to share experiences, quite another to be specific about the number. I agree with your words about the importance of sharing formative aspects of our sexual pasts.
My husband knows that I went through a promiscuous phase, but he only found that out through a series of events. I was mortified when he found out because I thought he would judge me like most of the men I have been around.
Thankfully, my husband feels happy that he "tamed a vixen" and he loves reaping the benefits of my single life.
My wife's sexual past includes 2 ex husbands and quite a number of other boyfriends with whom she was intimate. I was aware of her past before we got heavily involved. After 16 years together (10 married), I must say that she is THE best sexual partner I could ever imagine. I am grateful to each guy she was with because of all the experience she gained that I am now the proud beneficiary of. Her past does not bother me one bit.
It is one thing to share experiences, quite another to be specific about the number.
While it's not all about just 'the number', I think it is strange to hide 'the number' from a spouse. I know that my wife and her friends (with multiple groups of friends) have all shared their 'numbers' on girls' nights out. Apparently they find it interesting and it's part of getting to know their friends better. It's a curiosity.
To hide this from a spouse because it is too taboo to talk about doesn't seem healthy to me. How can you be truly intimate if you are hiding something like this? If you can't even share basic information about your sexuality because one or both of you can't handle it? You can care about and be interested in your spouses past without condemning it or getting weird about it. It is what it is. We need to accept it, not cower from it or ignore it.
It was never taboo, just private. You may think it is strange not to share my number with anyone, but I simply prefer to keep this to myself. Nobody needs to know except me.
My husband is well aware that I went through my slag phase and that is more than enough for both of us. He never condemns me for it, so I am not sure where you got that from.
Our marriage is healthy and happy, thanks. You can repeatedly say that it doesn't seem healthy to you, but that will not change our reality. We are confident in our level of intimacy without feeling the need to share everything. It is part of maintaining some individuality and interdependence.
We have shared information that pertains to our sexual health, such as STI's or gynecological issues.
While it's not all about just 'the number', I think it is strange to hide 'the number' from a spouse....
To hide this from a spouse because it is too taboo to talk about doesn't seem healthy to me. How can you be truly intimate if you are hiding something like this? If you can't even share basic information about your sexuality because one or both of you can't handle it? You can care about and be interested in your spouses past without condemning it or getting weird about it. It is what it is. We need to accept it, not cower from it or ignore it.
My wife doesn`t know my "number" either nor I hers.
We both have a pretty good idea of what our sexual histories were.
I don`t see why an exact number is relevant.
If she asked I`d answer, I just don`t see her ever even considering it.
I think she`d rather not know.
My husband knows that I went through a promiscuous phase, but he only found that out through a series of events. I was mortified when he found out because I thought he would judge me like most of the men I have been around.
This is what I have a problem with. I don't think anyone needs to set exacting rules of disclosure, but I would have a hard time thinking about a serious relationship with anyone with whom I could not disclose all. Maybe it would then take some working through, but I would never want to be with someone who didn't know at least everything about me that he would want to. There should be no need for fearing "mortification."
I always felt that you're not keeping secrets if you honestly believe he wouldn't care, but that you are keeping secrets if you even suspect that he would.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Runs like Dog
Your man is a coward. A man loves you not in spite of your past but because of what your past has made you.
Some day I will no longer be flawed and can make comments like that too.
This is what I have a problem with. I don't think anyone needs to set exacting rules of disclosure, but I would have a hard time thinking about a serious relationship with anyone with whom I could not disclose all. Maybe it would then take some working through, but I would never want to be with someone who didn't know at least everything about me that he would want to. There should be no need for fearing "mortification."
I always felt that you're not keeping secrets if you honestly believe he wouldn't care, but that you are keeping secrets if you even suspect that he would.
Some day I will no longer be flawed and can make comments like that too.
I'm not sure I understand what you are taking an issue with.
I know I made it very clear that most men have judged me for being sexually experienced. I also shared my husband's POV. I was embarrassed because of past reactions, not because of my open minded and compassionate husband.
I find it rather annoying when people insist that they know the origin of MY beliefs. I don't really care why YOU think I hid my past, because only I can truly know why I do certain things. It is rather arrogant to behave as though you live in someone else's head.
What exactly are his concerns about your past? Admittedly you had a wild phase but if that time is over I'm not sure how that impacts your current relationship with him. Maybe he thinks that you will compare him with other men. Maybe he's worried that you will revert to your former wild child persona. If that is the case you need to reassure him that he is the center of your universe. Let him know that your past was devoid of feeling and that you were trying to fill a hole in the wrong ways. Let him know that since he came along that hole is filled to overflowing and you love him beyond your ability to put into words. Tell him in no uncertain terms that not only does he measure up but he is so much more of a man than anyone you've ever met that you would have to learn to fly to reach the pinnacle of your love for him.
Maybe that is a little too sickeningly sweet for you but you get the picture.
I would guess he has some strong sexual toxic shame. If he can't get over it, it will continue to be a problem in a number of ways. How can he get over it? He needs to understand that people are sexual, women enjoy sex, and it is not dirty or wrong. He has to learn to believe that sex is normal and healthy.
He probably has some self image problems, possibly feeling sexually inferior. It may not be that he sees the OP as defiled, but sees himself as less experienced and thus less desirable to her.
As to telling all to your spouse, I think it is important that it be possible. If your spouse doesn't care to know, he/she won't ask. They have the right to make whatever judgment about the information they want, even if we don't agree with it.
Our sexual histories are an important part of who we are and why. Hiding it is tantamount to pretending to be something we are not.
If I were to find out my wife's number were not what she told me, I would feel that she perpetrated a very significant lie. The lie is worse than the information being concealed. To me it is an issue of being fully honest with one's spouse.
I'm not sure I understand what you are taking an issue with.
I know I made it very clear that most men have judged me for being sexually experienced. I also shared my husband's POV. I was embarrassed because of past reactions, not because of my open minded and compassionate husband.
I find it rather annoying when people insist that they know the origin of MY beliefs. I don't really care why YOU think I hid my past, because only I can truly know why I do certain things. It is rather arrogant to behave as though you live in someone else's head.
I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, only saying that I would feel differently in my own relationships. It's a different point-of-view for the OP to consider, in much the same way that some are saying "I would dump him immediately" and I'm saying, "I wouldn't."
Re: Unbalanced past 
I was embarrassed because of past reactions, not because of my open minded and compassionate husband.
