12-19-2011, 04:40 AM
Join Date: Nov 2010
| | Re: Unbalanced past
Originally Posted by FirstYearDown
It was never taboo, just private. You may think it is strange not to share my number with anyone, but I simply prefer to keep this to myself. Nobody needs to know except me.
My husband is well aware that I went through my slag phase and that is more than enough for both of us. He never condemns me for it, so I am not sure where you got that from.
Our marriage is healthy and happy, thanks. You can repeatedly say that it doesn't seem healthy to you, but that will not change our reality. We are confident in our level of intimacy without feeling the need to share everything. It is part of maintaining some individuality and interdependence.
We have shared information that pertains to our sexual health, such as STI's or gynecological issues.
I was responding to your post but I never said that YOUR spouse condemns you for it. I was adding some generalities that I did not necessarily attribute to your marriage. Indeed we all need to do what is right in our relationships and I (and others) are just giving our own views and what works for us. In this and other posts like this there seems to be a vocal majority (you excluded) who feel that the 'past is the past', people are better off not sharing their sexual histories and the whole area should be avoided with a spouse. What I was trying to say is that sexual history DOES matter as it is an important part of who a person is. This doesn't mean that I have a problem with a lot of history. Like I said, it is what it is - just like the rest of your partner's past life. Perhaps conventional logic says that this area is taboo and to be avoided but I and others here are sharing a different perspective on this. In fact, you are not in the camp of staying silent on sexual history so we don't completely disagree.
If sharing history, numbers, etc causes problems in a relationship, then don't do it. My point is that if it does cause a problem, then this is a weakness in the relationship.
I agree with Thor in that a woman's past need not be shared as if it were all 'mistakes' and 'emptiness' (in other words - 'wrong'). Women should be able to share the good as well as the bad and not be ashamed that they had sex with others and (god forbid) they enjoyed it. When my wife initially shared her history with me, she did the default thing and talked about the experiences as if they were all big mistakes. Over time she had the comfort with me to be more truthful that although the sex was sometimes not in the ideal situations (not within loving respectful relationships, alcohol involved, pressured, risky, etc) most of it was physically enjoyable and exciting. I think many people have mixed feelings about their pasts and I think that most people feel that their own pasts are important parts of who they are.