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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Unbalanced past

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 12-19-2011, 03:40 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unbalanced past

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Originally Posted by FirstYearDown View Post
It was never taboo, just private. You may think it is strange not to share my number with anyone, but I simply prefer to keep this to myself. Nobody needs to know except me.

My husband is well aware that I went through my slag phase and that is more than enough for both of us. He never condemns me for it, so I am not sure where you got that from.

Our marriage is healthy and happy, thanks. You can repeatedly say that it doesn't seem healthy to you, but that will not change our reality. We are confident in our level of intimacy without feeling the need to share everything. It is part of maintaining some individuality and interdependence.

We have shared information that pertains to our sexual health, such as STI's or gynecological issues.

I was responding to your post but I never said that YOUR spouse condemns you for it. I was adding some generalities that I did not necessarily attribute to your marriage. Indeed we all need to do what is right in our relationships and I (and others) are just giving our own views and what works for us. In this and other posts like this there seems to be a vocal majority (you excluded) who feel that the 'past is the past', people are better off not sharing their sexual histories and the whole area should be avoided with a spouse. What I was trying to say is that sexual history DOES matter as it is an important part of who a person is. This doesn't mean that I have a problem with a lot of history. Like I said, it is what it is - just like the rest of your partner's past life. Perhaps conventional logic says that this area is taboo and to be avoided but I and others here are sharing a different perspective on this. In fact, you are not in the camp of staying silent on sexual history so we don't completely disagree.

If sharing history, numbers, etc causes problems in a relationship, then don't do it. My point is that if it does cause a problem, then this is a weakness in the relationship.

I agree with Thor in that a woman's past need not be shared as if it were all 'mistakes' and 'emptiness' (in other words - 'wrong'). Women should be able to share the good as well as the bad and not be ashamed that they had sex with others and (god forbid) they enjoyed it. When my wife initially shared her history with me, she did the default thing and talked about the experiences as if they were all big mistakes. Over time she had the comfort with me to be more truthful that although the sex was sometimes not in the ideal situations (not within loving respectful relationships, alcohol involved, pressured, risky, etc) most of it was physically enjoyable and exciting. I think many people have mixed feelings about their pasts and I think that most people feel that their own pasts are important parts of who they are.
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:54 AM   #32 (permalink)
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I don't think it's right to hold someone's past over their head, however sometimes someones past come back to affect them 5, 10, 15 years into a marriage. In the case of my wife and I, she had 1 partner prior to me and only did it half a dozen times. I was a virgin when I met her. The night the subject came up I was somewhat disappointed because I had a feeling where our relationship was heading . I had opportunities before her and never took them, just didn't feel right. Never really thought much about her limited past after that.

Fast forward, after 10 years marriage(now 13yrs), many years sex only a few times year we started discovering or sex lives again. As things improved and we opened up more to each other her history became a slight issue to me. I never made her feel bad and only brought it up twice but I needed some closure and had to talk to her about it. One night several months ago I finally told what I had been feeling tha last several years. That it made me sad that a sacred as marriage and sex between two people was, sex was something that will never have been just between the two of us. She and I have the same beliefs and moral values however what's done is done and once I told her that we talked and cryed. What a relief to be able to tell her that. Can't change the past and shouldn't hold someone's past over them, just funny how these things come up years later sometimes.

This was not an easy thing to tell my wife, however it makes me appreciate the level of trust and love we have that I could bring this up.
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:59 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Ask him to read the Lord's Prayer, especially the line that says, "...forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors."
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Old 12-19-2011, 04:59 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unbalanced past

I once had a man sneer at me and call me a "sex professional" (another term for hooker). Of course, his member was the size of a baby carrot and this poor man was sexually awkward...such a bad lover. He could tell that I knew a lot about sex and it made him insecure.

Hope he found a woman that likes 'em very small.

Just an example of why some women keep their sexual pasts or experiences to themselves. We are afraid of being judged. Nobody ever judges a man for having slept with many women.
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:14 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Given your past, have you gotten tested for a full panel of STDs, Hepatitis, etc? And disclosed to your fiance what permanent STD(s) you may have? For example, herpes, HPV?
Yes, I just (within the past month) got a full STD panel (not my first) to "prove" to him what I already knew (that I am STD free). The only one they didn't test for was HPV because they don't do pap smears & that is just about the only way to test for HPV so I am going to ask my regular doctor to do so at my next yearly.
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:19 PM   #36 (permalink)
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kds,

What exactly are his concerns about your past? Admittedly you had a wild phase but if that time is over I'm not sure how that impacts your current relationship with him. Maybe he thinks that you will compare him with other men. Maybe he's worried that you will revert to your former wild child persona. If that is the case you need to reassure him that he is the center of your universe. Let him know that your past was devoid of feeling and that you were trying to fill a hole in the wrong ways. Let him know that since he came along that hole is filled to overflowing and you love him beyond your ability to put into words. Tell him in no uncertain terms that not only does he measure up but he is so much more of a man than anyone you've ever met that you would have to learn to fly to reach the pinnacle of your love for him.

Maybe that is a little too sickeningly sweet for you but you get the picture.
The thing is, I tell him things like this all the time. I tell him that I never compare him to others and that I am giving my future to him. Anytime I tell him anything he basically rolls his eyes at me then tells me that since I would have given it to an ex if they hadn't left me that basically its not good enough. He wants to know what I can give him that I have never given anyone else. If I say "my future" he says "you would have given that to other people if they'd have let you" then gets pissed. I just don't know anymore...

This is so hard for me because I don't want to feel like he's miserable every day because of me. I go through phases where my anxiety is so bad I have chest pains and can't eat for days. I am just really concerned about the whole situation. He's basically told me he thinks about this stuff every single day and that when it seems like we are having a good day its because he just doesn't say anything to me.
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:48 PM   #37 (permalink)
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The thing is, I tell him things like this all the time. I tell him that I never compare him to others and that I am giving my future to him. Anytime I tell him anything he basically rolls his eyes at me then tells me that since I would have given it to an ex if they hadn't left me that basically its not good enough. He wants to know what I can give him that I have never given anyone else. If I say "my future" he says "you would have given that to other people if they'd have let you" then gets pissed. I just don't know anymore...

This is so hard for me because I don't want to feel like he's miserable every day because of me. I go through phases where my anxiety is so bad I have chest pains and can't eat for days. I am just really concerned about the whole situation. He's basically told me he thinks about this stuff every single day and that when it seems like we are having a good day its because he just doesn't say anything to me.
Have you asked him what he wants that will be exclusively between you both? While my wife had a lot more sexual experience than I did she has always told me that I was the only one she felt anything for. She told me that while she had sex with other men I am the only one who has ever given her an orgasm. Personally I think giving him your future is nothing to sneeze at.

In our case my wife has told me in detail her sexual experiences with other men. Together as a couple we have worked very hard to make sure that our experiences together are more memorable than those between her and any other men. And there are some particular aspects of sex that she has only had with me. We make sure to revisit those exclusive situations periodically and we both know that they belong totally to us and us alone.

See of you can talk with him and see if there is something that you can both do together that is "just between you." Bottom line is that he needs to be able to tell you how he's feeling and what he is expecting if you are to make him feel special in some way. If he can't express those feelings maybe the two of you can do some premarital counseling so that you can both share those feelings and develop a dialog that will carry over into marriage.
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