Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I am sorry if this post turns into something long & rambling but I have no where else to go and no idea who to ask about this. I will do my best to explain everything as best as I can and hope that someone here may be able to help me and my relationship.
My (Catholic) fiancee was a virgin when I met him and I was not. In my past I made a lot of poor decisions involving drinking too much and having no self respect. He knows about those decisions now (he didn't when we first slept together - I didn't deliberately keep it from him, it just never came up and I don't bring it up because I regret my past and want to erase it all).
Now every day for us is a constant struggle. Any little thing can set him off thinking about my past and make him angry or upset. He gets to thinking about things and turns it into vivid imaginings of me with people from my past and gets even more worked up. He tells me quite frequently that he doesn't feel special and I haven't "saved" anything for him and he feels "empty and alone". He feels like he is just a number.
I don't know what to do any more. I love him and care about him in a way I've never felt for anyone else (and I can't explain it to him, I try to think of the words to say and I can't put a finger on how to say it. I've felt different with him since the moment I met him, the best I can summarize it as is that when I am with him everything feels right). I try to tell him things and he finds a way to turn every positive thing I say into "well you've felt that way before about someone else". He told me earlier tonight that basically he's in a lose-lose situation because if he leaves me he is going to be unhappy but that staying with me isn't any better.
I just need some thoughts or suggestions or to know what happened with someone else who has been here before because this is killing me...
There are many posts here about men who continue to carry this grudge about what their wives did before they ever even met them - it is never a good thing. If he can't let it go...your in for a very unhappy marriage. Your past makes you who you are...and if he can't accept it and you, then its not really love.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
How long have you been with this guy and how long ago did he find out about your past?
Remind him that he is driving you away. And that if you break up that he will now have a past. How would he feel about being treated as he is treating you?
I believe that what he is doing is abuse. If he did not have this to use against you he would find something else. There is only one reason that a person hangs on to an issues like this and uses it to emotionally beat up a partner.. it's to gain power over them.
If your past is this big of a deal to him - why didn't he ask you if you were a virgin or how many partners you'd had before he shared his virginity with you? And you wrote that you didn't purposely keep this from him. I do not have experience with this situation, but reading your post, I'd say continue to keep your self-respect by not putting up with or pandering to this behavior. You're not a time traveller, there's nothing you can do about your past now and its cruel that he should try to make you feel bad about this. Sorry but he needs to deal with this himself. If you haven't mislead him, you have nothing to prove or say sorry about. Posted via Mobile Device
Your fiance had certain expectations of his fiancee/wife. Now that he knows that you do not meet that expectations, he's trying to readjust.
It's better for him to know now before marriage than after. There are a couple of threads on this website of husbands discovering their wife's secret past -- and the marriages are not going well.
I agree you cant change your past (obviously) and he's deciding if he can accept that. It'll take a while for him to do so, or it should because he has to undergo a fundamental shift.
I think for him to accept your past, he must be comfortable with it and that may involve him knowing more. And he need to believe that you have changed and regret your past - your actions will show him more than your words.
Given your past, have you gotten tested for a full panel of STDs, Hepatitis, etc? And disclosed to your fiance what permanent STD(s) you may have? For example, herpes, HPV?
I just don't get it. Been married 35 years and have never even considered who she may have been with before me. Why would I? She didn't even know me then. She had no responsibility to me then. All I care about is what she did after I came along and we made commitments to each other. Its an exercise in futility to even let these things cross your mind.
My husband and I were both "experienced" before we got married, and made no secrets about it. We finally separated, but sexual jealousy was definitely not a factor in the break-up.
I remember my husband advising a friend who had just found out about his wife's past. He said, "It's not about her, it's about you. You can't stand the thought of other men laughing at you behind your back. But the truth is that when you lose a great sexual partner, and see her with the man she's finally chosen, you don't gloat about having 'got her first.' You wonder what that guy's got that you don't, and suffer thinking about how if what you got was fantastic, what he's getting must be absolutely mind-blowing."
You can't erase your past, but you can give it a perspective. Are you open and honest about sexual matters? Try drawing out his fantasies and show him that his vivid imaginings about others aren't anything compared to what you'll do for him. My experience has been that men often lack sexual self-confidence and words don't help build it - you have to show them.
I never talked about my past boyfriends/husband with my current husband. We life for the future. What's in the past stays there. Your husband is acting very irrational. You might really benefit from MC. I agree with the above poster that his actions are abusive. Posted via Mobile Device
I am sorry if this post turns into something long & rambling but I have no where else to go and no idea who to ask about this. I will do my best to explain everything as best as I can and hope that someone here may be able to help me and my relationship.
My (Catholic) fiancee was a virgin when I met him and I was not. In my past I made a lot of poor decisions involving drinking too much and having no self respect. He knows about those decisions now (he didn't when we first slept together - I didn't deliberately keep it from him, it just never came up and I don't bring it up because I regret my past and want to erase it all).
Now every day for us is a constant struggle. Any little thing can set him off thinking about my past and make him angry or upset. He gets to thinking about things and turns it into vivid imaginings of me with people from my past and gets even more worked up. He tells me quite frequently that he doesn't feel special and I haven't "saved" anything for him and he feels "empty and alone". He feels like he is just a number.
I don't know what to do any more. I love him and care about him in a way I've never felt for anyone else (and I can't explain it to him, I try to think of the words to say and I can't put a finger on how to say it. I've felt different with him since the moment I met him, the best I can summarize it as is that when I am with him everything feels right). I try to tell him things and he finds a way to turn every positive thing I say into "well you've felt that way before about someone else". He told me earlier tonight that basically he's in a lose-lose situation because if he leaves me he is going to be unhappy but that staying with me isn't any better.
I just need some thoughts or suggestions or to know what happened with someone else who has been here before because this is killing me...
Dump the insecure moron before you get married. If he's like this now it will only get worse and other insecurities will crop up. Posted via Mobile Device
I dont really understand this post. If it was after you married I could but youre not married yet. He has done before marriage with you what you did with others. Being engaged is not being married. If he was not prepared to wait till marriage, he shouldnt have expected a virgin either.
I believe that people's sexual histories ARE important in shaping their sexuality (which is a very important part of who a person is). I don't think that it's healthy to ignore it and pretend nothing ever happened. For me, this is not intimacy.
The fact is that this is who you are and he needs to accept this very important part of you. You also need to accept this part of yourself. For most people, their sexual experiences are a combination of great, bad and everything in between (unfortunately some people also have some very painful and horrid ones). It would be very unfortunate if you are being forced to relegate your whole formative sexual history as 'mistakes' to fit with your husband's views on sexuality.
It's likely that his feelings on your past are complicated and may include a feeling that he missed out on sexual wild times himself (he may have seen many of his friends do it, you did it and he feels like everyone but him did it). Of course the obvious jealousy. He may also be intrigued by your history. His manhood may also feel threatened by it. The only way forward is to work through it with complete honesty, including your real feelings for your past.
He needs to see this as part of who you are and just a fact of life. You can't change it (nor should you be made to feel like you need to) nor can he change it. Help him to work through this and be patient but also be firm in your requirement that he does work toward accepting it and be careful not to apologize nor should you try to tell him what you think he wants to hear (e.g. it's all a mistake, you didn't enjoy any of it, etc).
I would say that he needs a bit of a reality check. He sees you as damaged goods because you had the nerve to have sex with someone before him. Now, this would be acceptable back in the 40's or in a muslim country but not in this day and age. You need to start gaining some self respect because anyone with any self respect (and self esteem) whatsoever would not put up with this from any person.
Let him know that if he doesn't like you for who you are, then the door is right there and he can leave through it. And maybe direct him to the nunnery down the road. I hear there are lots of virgins there.
Do NOT marry this person. Run as fast as you can as this will ONLY get worse. His anger is nothing but an attempt to control you by using a past, a past which by the way you got away from and bettered from and instead of appreciating the person you have become now, he tosses this in you face. Lace up those Nike's and fly like the wind. This man doesn't deserve you at all nor do you deserve to be abused. Let this fine upstanding finger pointing man find someone who wears a halo as shiny as he does.
I just need some thoughts or suggestions or to know what happened with someone else who has been here before because this is killing me...
Find a man who doesn`t have such unfounded hang-ups.
He`s not going to get past it, I`ve seen dozens of posts by and about these insecure men whose lives are "ruined" because their women had a life prior to them.
Unbalanced past 
