Preparing myself for a threesome - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 86Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:57 AM
Member
 
Blondilocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: SoCal
Posts: 3,677
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

Why people want to go out of their way to mess up a good relationship is beyond me. Are you finding life boring?
Blondilocks is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 09:18 AM
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 3,067
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bestofbothworlds View Post
Hi there all, so Husband and I have been married for a little over 6 years and we have a good relationship. H knows that I am bisexual and just until this year he has become comfortable enough to let me be with another female sexually. Recently our sex life and relationship has been amazing and our communication has been better than ever. We have both talked about a threesome being a fantasy but I find it extremely hard to put the jealousy aside. He is OK with just watching me with a girl but I'd like to try the threesome because it's something I've always fantasizes about. I love him and know he loves me with all his might, but I'm insecure of myself and that doesn't help the situation. What can I do to help prepare myself enough to eventually be able to experience this? Also how could I go about finding a female to join?
If you are indeed bisexual, the first step would be to try being open about this with all your friends and family and become confident with those reactions regardless of if they are harsh or supportive. Once you can deal with that, THEN you begin a discussion with your husband on how to explore those feelings. If you can not deal with your own parents knowing you are bisexual and you are unable to be open about it with everyone, then do NOT do this. Instead it might be better to go to therapy to understand better why you are uncomfortable with other people knowing and deal with THAT first.

Regards,
Badsanta
badsanta is offline  
post #18 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 09:37 AM
Member
 
Taxman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: The Frozen North
Posts: 268
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

Unless both of you are EXTREMELY self assured, I would NEVER open the marriage to an occasional third. If it is FMF, then you run the risk of having mind movies til the end of time of your husband having sex with another woman in your bedroom while you may be a participant, the likelihood is that at some point you will be a spectator, and what you see may not be healthy for your relationship. MFM could be just as deleterious except you give your husband mind movies. (I could not live with watching someone else **** my wife, let alone that both of you may experience acts that you have never before participated in, and even that could end things for you.) If you want to get this out of your system, go to a swingers club, just to watch, and not participate, but get it out of your system, in my experience (NOPE! There is no way I could even think of opening my marriage-not that confident-I hear from clients that have wrecked their marriages by opening them and I have clients that work in a club), every marriage that has been opened, ended up damaged if not destroyed. (Could you watch your husband have sex with someone other than you? If you cant, then do not even entertain this notion)


{Moderator Note: I spelled out the profanity. Please follow forum rules in regards to the profanity filter.

8. Filter Bypass/Obscenity: A profanity filter is in place and any attempts to bypass it are forbidden. You MAY type words that are filtered, as long as they are not abusive towards other quests or violate any other rules; however, you must allow the filter to do its job. Do NOT try to filter the word yourself and do not try to use creative spelling to bypass the profanity filter. Also, posting images of videos of obscene gestures, linking to obscene web sites, posting obscene or graphic descriptions of a decidedly adult nature, and violating a standard of decent behavior is not allowed.

February 21st is the deadline for full enforcement of the measure.

Posting Guidelines - Forum Rules (2016) }

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-15-2017 at 12:13 PM.
Taxman is online now  
post #19 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 10:30 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,565
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
Chill yourself out. A bunch of people shaming and talking down to OP with knee jerk reactions who are just scarred from their own completely different marriages.

Finally someone with a relevant experience posted and only a few people here have similar experiences.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
No one shamed her, we gave opinions. Besides that, a person's shame is their own no one shames anyone. You can tell me I am wrong evil or whatever and I would tell you to blow off and not feel shamed at all. The feeling of shame is always internal and created internally.

Last edited by sokillme; 02-08-2017 at 10:40 AM.
sokillme is offline  
post #20 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 10:30 AM
Forum Supporter
 
heartbroken50's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: New England
Posts: 1,738
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

I consider myself bi-curious ... I have a strong attraction to women as well as men, but have never acted on it. I discovered this during my 20 year marriage. A FFM threesome is a natural fantasy that I have as a result, and H and I enjoyed fantasizing about it together many times.

While my H would have been more than happy (downright ecstatic TBH) if we had gone for it, I was more hesitant for these reasons:

1. In the fantasy, nothing goes wrong. It's sexy and hot... I am in control and OW since she is a fantasy has no input. A real OW has her own agenda.

2. In the fantasy, watching my H with OW is hot... in reality I would have clawed her eyes out

3. In the fantasy, my being with OW is sexy to watch for H... in reality he would probably feel left out.

4. His enthusiasm (and occasional pushing of the idea) made me question his motivation... was this an experience he wanted to share with me? Or did he just want a way to have it be OK to have sex with OW.

5. While I'm very sexual and confident in my sexuality, I'm not confident in my body... so I never felt secure enough that H wouldn't prefer OW to me.

6. Part of me worried that I might prefer OW to H

So, we never did it. We did find other outlets though... we indulged in FFM porn together... we discussed the fantasy during sex... and we occasionally visited strip clubs together and shared lap dances.

For me, it was just never worth risking the damage it might do to our marriage. In hindsight, H's willingness to risk our marriage for one hot threesome should have been a red flag.
heartbroken50 is offline  
post #21 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 10:40 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,565
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

Quote:
Originally Posted by RideofmyLife View Post
I'll post tomorrow. In the meantime, check out the first post of my thread. We also started out just wanting a threesome and it morphed into a nightmare.

Talk About Marriage Home
This link goes nowhere.
sokillme is offline  
post #22 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 10:45 AM
Member
 
RideofmyLife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Idaho
Posts: 122
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

If you're insecure and jealous, don't do it at all. You can think of all the ways it might go wrong and try to prepare for it, but trust me, AND I KNOW, you can never prepare for what will jump out of the woodwork at you. It sounds like he's been reluctant and you've convinced him to come around. It sounds like he's willing to take one for the team, in other words. And that's never good. If it goes wrong, he'll harbor resentment.

I talked to a guy once when hubby and I were going to poly events and he and I were discussing how a lot of marriages that become open disintegrate quickly. He and his girlfriend had been together several years and had a baby. He said that they both identified as non-monogamous as single people and that was what they were looking for in another partner. He ascribes their success to that fact. I think it's risky business to go from being each others one and only to then opening it for a free for all. You think the foundation of your marriage is rock solid? Opening your marriage to this will expose all the nasty cracks that you never even knew were there.
RideofmyLife is offline  
post #23 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 10:50 AM
Member
 
RideofmyLife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Idaho
Posts: 122
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
This link goes nowhere.
Thanks, plus I forgot my thread is in the private section, so she wouldn't be able to read it anyway.
RideofmyLife is offline  
post #24 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:28 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,376
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

OP
Threesomes work for some people, but not for most. I think that for a thresome to work you need 2 things:

1). One partner needs to be bi, so that they are interested in the 3rd person. (you are great there).
2). Both partners need to be completly free of jealousy. You do not seem OK there.

I believe that I am free of Jealousy. I have never wondered what my wife did with previous lovers or if they were better than me. I find it amusing that she is attracted to actors etc. Even when early in our dating she dumped me for another guy, I was never angry at him, or even at her. I think that a FFM or FMF threesome would work for *me* because if the other woman was better at pleasing my wife than I am, I'd view it as a chance to learn -and as really hot. My wife is not bi (nor am I), so for #1 above a threesome is out for us. (which is fine, its not a top fantasy for me or anything).

OP, you already are concerned about being jealous, so I think this is a *bad* idea. How will you feel he gets more excited about the other woman than about you? Could you pass it off as just novelty? What it she is able / willing to do things for him that you are not?

Also, what if he is jealous of your interaction with the 3rd person?


Let me be clear: I see nothing immoral about a 3-some, in fact it sounds really awesome. I just worry though that it could end very badly. Its up to you if it is worth the risk.

Despite what I just said, if my wife said she wanted a FMF or FFM threesome, I would take her up on it - knowing that I would likely regret it later.....

One more note - don't forget that the 3rd person is also a person with feelings. A former girlfriend of mine was the 3rd in a FFM threesome. Even though everyone physically enjoyed it, she ended up feeling sort of used, like a plaything for the couple.
uhtred is offline  
post #25 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:42 AM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,474
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
OP
Threesomes work for some people, but not for most. I think that for a thresome to work you need 2 things:

1). One partner needs to be bi, so that they are interested in the 3rd person. (you are great there).
2). Both partners need to be completly free of jealousy. You do not seem OK there.

I believe that I am free of Jealousy. I have never wondered what my wife did with previous lovers or if they were better than me. I find it amusing that she is attracted to actors etc. Even when early in our dating she dumped me for another guy, I was never angry at him, or even at her. I think that a FFM or FMF threesome would work for *me* because if the other woman was better at pleasing my wife than I am, I'd view it as a chance to learn -and as really hot. My wife is not bi (nor am I), so for #1 above a threesome is out for us. (which is fine, its not a top fantasy for me or anything).

OP, you already are concerned about being jealous, so I think this is a *bad* idea. How will you feel he gets more excited about the other woman than about you? Could you pass it off as just novelty? What it she is able / willing to do things for him that you are not?

Also, what if he is jealous of your interaction with the 3rd person?


Let me be clear: I see nothing immoral about a 3-some, in fact it sounds really awesome. I just worry though that it could end very badly. Its up to you if it is worth the risk.

Despite what I just said, if my wife said she wanted a FMF or FFM threesome, I would take her up on it - knowing that I would likely regret it later.....

One more note - don't forget that the 3rd person is also a person with feelings. A former girlfriend of mine was the 3rd in a FFM threesome. Even though everyone physically enjoyed it, she ended up feeling sort of used, like a plaything for the couple.
All good advice, but I disagree that the bolded is necessary; if FMF, the focus is mainly on M, and in MFM, the focus is mainly on F, but everyone still has a good time.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
post #26 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 01:22 PM
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 3,067
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

Quote:
Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
All good advice, but I disagree that the bolded is necessary; if FMF, the focus is mainly on M, and in MFM, the focus is mainly on F, but everyone still has a good time.
If I am having a threesome with me, myself, and I, it is helpful for at least one person from the group to consider being bisexual, but definitely not the other two. It makes for somewhat of an interesting conflict of interests that creates a rather entertaining form of angst.
badsanta is offline  
post #27 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 01:24 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,376
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

May depend on the person, but at least for myself, I'm sufficiently straight that I wouldn't enjoy a MFM, I would't be comfortable engaging in sexual activity with another guy involved, even if I wasn't in physical contact with him.

Just me, others probably feel differently.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
All good advice, but I disagree that the bolded is necessary; if FMF, the focus is mainly on M, and in MFM, the focus is mainly on F, but everyone still has a good time.
uhtred is offline  
post #28 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 01:33 PM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,188
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

Definitely don't do it. When you start involving others sexually in your marriage, your making it way weaker if not killing it.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #29 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:35 PM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 2,214
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
Chill yourself out. A bunch of people shaming and talking down to OP with knee jerk reactions who are just scarred from their own completely different marriages.

Finally someone with a relevant experience posted and only a few people here have similar experiences.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
FWIW, my DH has experienced multiple threesomes and that is why he decided to end the LTR he was in and start dating me. I also have a considerable number of friends and family members who have done FMF or MFM or both. Out of all the couples I know who did it, only two are still together. One of those marriages is an absolute hot mess and they are only still together because they have young children and cannot divorce for financial reasons. The other marriage is a great marriage and has lasted over 25 years.

I attempted it once and it did not go well. About the time clothes started coming off, I was so numb that I just told them to continue on without me if they pleased, but I was going to get something to eat.

When my sister tried it, she's the bi one, she was all good with it until the OW started kissing and fondling her DH. At that point, she lost her sh*t and started punching people and throwing heavy objects at heads.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.

Last edited by MJJEAN; 02-08-2017 at 03:42 PM.
MJJEAN is offline  
post #30 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:57 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 973
Re: Preparing myself for a threesome

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bestofbothworlds View Post
Hi there all, so Husband and I have been married for a little over 6 years and we have a good relationship. H knows that I am bisexual and just until this year he has become comfortable enough to let me be with another female sexually. Recently our sex life and relationship has been amazing and our communication has been better than ever. We have both talked about a threesome being a fantasy but I find it extremely hard to put the jealousy aside. He is OK with just watching me with a girl but I'd like to try the threesome because it's something I've always fantasizes about. I love him and know he loves me with all his might, but I'm insecure of myself and that doesn't help the situation. What can I do to help prepare myself enough to eventually be able to experience this? Also how could I go about finding a female to join?
Dear Best of both worlds;

I think you have gotten lots of good advice. The most important is to not do the 3-some or if you do to be very careful.

I think some women (and men) who have tried this or thought about it carefully, have given great advice.

Never having done a 3-some, I will give you advice from my perspective. It is contained in something I posted recently that seemed right from a TED talk I had seen long ago.

How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Be very careful and my advice would be if you and your H are h#ll bent on doing this, move into it very, very slowly in small steps to make sure you don't find that you have crossed a boundary that destroys you marriage. The author of the TED talk suggests "thoughts without actions," "words without actions," and even "actions without actual technical violation of wedding vows."

If it were me, I would opt for role playing and not risk loosing a good relationship, but you and your H get to make that decision.

I suspect that if you were to sit down and do some real introspection you might want to ask yourself why do YOU want to have the 3 some? What is it that you hope to achieve turning this fantasy into a real experience? You said that you are bisexual, but married. I am heterosexual, but married. Even though I am heterosexual, I don't want my sex to be with anyone but my spouse. You want to explore your bisexuality, even though you are married.

You need to ask yourself what does marriage mean to you and what does it mean for your husband? If marriage is about children, finances, and social position to both of you then, having a little on the side probably isn't too big a deal. Really understand what marriage means to the both of you. What are your boundaries?


What is it that you hope to get out of your threesome?

What do you want your H to get out of it? Seriously, what is it that you want him to experience and is there any other way that you can provide that to him in the context of your marriage? Or is it that there is something about his participating in a 3 some that you want for yourself?

Perhaps it is that you don't want to feel guilty in cheating on him and if he is there cheating on you at the same time it will morally cancel out? Two wrongs don't make a right.

That is why if you and your H are into this, I suggest you follow the advice from the TED talk of Monogomy 2.0 and go to a strip club, call a phone sex operator, or figure out a role play that will allow you to mentally explore your fantasy without turning it into reality. Maybe you can convince your H to get a wig, some fake breasts, a dress and be your "other girlfriend for a night." That is probably not what you really want.

You probably want to have it all, your husband and a bisexual lover on the side. If that is truly what you want, then make sure you truly know what you can give each and the limits of your ability to love two people at the same time and which of the two will be your priority when there is a conflict.

Good luck.
Young at Heart is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Feelings after threesome Orange_Crush Sex in Marriage 114 03-03-2016 09:43 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome