So this is the SITUATION - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 02:08 PM Thread Starter
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So this is the SITUATION

I haven't posted on here in a long time and I figured to just rant a bit. My wife and I decided to move to NYC a year ago and we currently reside here. I moved, because she wasn't "happy in California", "bored" as she says. So I made the leap of faith and she promised me so much intoxicating sex that it would blow my mind. Well ladies and gents that never happened, so I'm a bit frustrated. I have an intensely high sex drive and she doesn't have the libido I do. The first few months I saw what NYC was about I was completely shocked (at the women specifically, I love my wife but these women are beautiful), from all over the world. Anyways, basically I catch myself always daydreaming wishing I was single based on my sex life.... but I realize that's just selfish of me and I've never cheated on this woman ever ( caught myself wanting to do that, but never acted upon it)

I understand so many things are going wrong in this world, but a healthy sex life to me is important. It's my only way to release stress besides basketball. I gave up video games, I don't really do much now a days and do realize reading some books could help. Yes, therapy would help... but when will she get the message that I need her more than she thinks. Mind you I have two kids as well, so that doesn't really help the situation. Anyone else been in this position? Any solutions? Why do I crave sex so much more than she does? Why do I fantasize about other women so much, believe me my head is spinning out of control with not having my priorities straight, but I'm only human. By no means am I a saint. HELP!!

BTW hope you all are trying to make the best of healthy sexual acts of engagement. Thanks for reading my nonsense.
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post #2 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: So this is the SITUATION


Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #3 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 02:16 PM
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Re: So this is the SITUATION

How often are you two having sexual relations?
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post #4 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: So this is the SITUATION

You're fixating on it because you aren't getting it. There's not enough info here to really help you. Read MMSLP and see if any of that applies to you.
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post #5 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:01 PM
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Re: So this is the SITUATION

Oops! She lied about what the move would do. How shocking. I have a sure-fire, personally tested solution to vastly improve your sex life: divorce.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #6 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:03 PM
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Re: So this is the SITUATION

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I haven't posted on here in a long time and I figured to just rant a bit. My wife and I decided to move to NYC a year ago and we currently reside here. I moved, because she wasn't "happy in California", "bored" as she says. So I made the leap of faith and she promised me so much intoxicating sex that it would blow my mind. Well ladies and gents that never happened, so I'm a bit frustrated. I have an intensely high sex drive and she doesn't have the libido I do. The first few months I saw what NYC was about I was completely shocked (at the women specifically, I love my wife but these women are beautiful), from all over the world. Anyways, basically I catch myself always daydreaming wishing I was single based on my sex life.... but I realize that's just selfish of me and I've never cheated on this woman ever ( caught myself wanting to do that, but never acted upon it)

I understand so many things are going wrong in this world, but a healthy sex life to me is important. It's my only way to release stress besides basketball. I gave up video games, I don't really do much now a days and do realize reading some books could help. Yes, therapy would help... but when will she get the message that I need her more than she thinks. Mind you I have two kids as well, so that doesn't really help the situation. Anyone else been in this position? Any solutions? Why do I crave sex so much more than she does? Why do I fantasize about other women so much, believe me my head is spinning out of control with not having my priorities straight, but I'm only human. By no means am I a saint. HELP!!

BTW hope you all are trying to make the best of healthy sexual acts of engagement. Thanks for reading my nonsense.
A few thoughts from a guy who has been married for over 45 years to the same woman. Yes, be faithful and don't cheat. That is keep it in your pants.

Sex Therapy really helped my wife and myself. Another things that helped me deal with my LD wife was reading the book by Glover called No. More Mr. Nice Guy. What I learned from that book were several things. First that I was codependent on my wife for her to validate me.

Second that made me very "clingy" and needy" and those were not things that my wife found sexually attractive.

Third, that I needed to take responsibility for my happiness. For me that meant following Glover's suggestion on Getting a Life. That did not mean becoming a jerk, or ignoring my wife and children. It meant finding time to exercise and do hobbies that brought me happiness, a sense of pride in myself and accomplishment. It also was an opportunity to find out things to do with my children even if my wife didn't want to do them (bike riding with children, going to swimming pools with them, taking walks in parks with them, etc.)

That also means taking responsibility for your own sexual happiness. If I like being touched, I can get a legitimate massage from a pretty woman. If I really want to orgasm, I can masturbate. If I really want to be held by my wife, I can talk to her and ask her to hold me.

Far too often, when we get codependent we do one of two things. The first is that we expect our significant other to read our mind and make us happy, without telling what we need. The second is that we do something that Glover calls a "Covert Contract." This is where you tell yourself that hey if I do some more housework, my wife will have sex with me. So you do more housework and you don't get more sex. Then you double down and do even more housework and you still don't get the sex you want. Then you try even harder by doing all the housework and it still doesn't work. Your poor wife is looking at you and saying, gosh that is interesting he is doing his share of the housework FINALLY, but boy does he seem grumpy. I don't want to have sex with a grumpy guy.

A covert contract is a game you have created in your own mind all by yourself that your spouse has not bought into.


So, talk to your wife, find out what she needs. Tell her what you need to be happy. Negotiate something that is within both your boundaries. If you can't seek help with a sex therapist.

Good luck.
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post #7 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: So this is the SITUATION

I am guessing you never got that promise in writing....tell her that your moving back to ca. Because that promise was never delivered....that she sold you a bill of goods
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post #8 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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A few thoughts from a guy who has been married for over 45 years to the same woman. Yes, be faithful and don't cheat. That is keep it in your pants.

Sex Therapy really helped my wife and myself. Another things that helped me deal with my LD wife was reading the book by Glover called No. More Mr. Nice Guy. What I learned from that book were several things. First that I was codependent on my wife for her to validate me.

Second that made me very "clingy" and needy" and those were not things that my wife found sexually attractive.

Third, that I needed to take responsibility for my happiness. For me that meant following Glover's suggestion on Getting a Life. That did not mean becoming a jerk, or ignoring my wife and children. It meant finding time to exercise and do hobbies that brought me happiness, a sense of pride in myself and accomplishment. It also was an opportunity to find out things to do with my children even if my wife didn't want to do them (bike riding with children, going to swimming pools with them, taking walks in parks with them, etc.)

That also means taking responsibility for your own sexual happiness. If I like being touched, I can get a legitimate massage from a pretty woman. If I really want to orgasm, I can masturbate. If I really want to be held by my wife, I can talk to her and ask her to hold me.

Far too often, when we get codependent we do one of two things. The first is that we expect our significant other to read our mind and make us happy, without telling what we need. The second is that we do something that Glover calls a "Covert Contract." This is where you tell yourself that hey if I do some more housework, my wife will have sex with me. So you do more housework and you don't get more sex. Then you double down and do even more housework and you still don't get the sex you want. Then you try even harder by doing all the housework and it still doesn't work. Your poor wife is looking at you and saying, gosh that is interesting he is doing his share of the housework FINALLY, but boy does he seem grumpy. I don't want to have sex with a grumpy guy.

A covert contract is a game you have created in your own mind all by yourself that your spouse has not bought into.


So, talk to your wife, find out what she needs. Tell her what you need to be happy. Negotiate something that is within both your boundaries. If you can't seek help with a sex therapist.

Good luck.
Thank you Young at Heart, I will loan that book meanwhile comprehending what it actually means. FYI, my wife works for high-level people and we never have that much time together alone. However, I guess I'm looking for consistency and I want to bring out The Incredible Hulk on aka Bruce Banner. Thank you all for the feedback!!
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post #9 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: So this is the SITUATION

Time to draw a line in the sand, or maybe the sidewalk since your in NYC.
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post #10 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: So this is the SITUATION

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Time to draw a line in the sand, or maybe the sidewalk since your in NYC.
I tell yah, for those who have kids. For those with kids, know how stressful this can be. Divorce is not the answer. I just can't. Don't have in me, have a 3 & 6 yr old to support.
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post #11 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:49 PM
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Re: So this is the SITUATION

Not much to say if you don't answer some of the people's questions. What's your sexual frequency with the wife? We talking once per day, once per week, once per month, etc. etc? When people say they have a high drive, it all becomes relative when you are amongst a diverse group like you find here. I'd hate to bust on your wife if she's giving it up daily right now and you're complaining about not getting it 2-3 times in a day. You make a much more sympathetic character if you are luck to get laid once per month.

So what's the frequency kenneth?
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post #12 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:49 PM
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Re: So this is the SITUATION

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Thank you Young at Heart, I will loan that book meanwhile comprehending what it actually means. FYI, my wife works for high-level people and we never have that much time together alone. However, I guess I'm looking for consistency and I want to bring out The Incredible Hulk on aka Bruce Banner. Thank you all for the feedback!!
I would like to add an enthusiastic "Second!" to Young at Heart's advice.

You and your wife NEED to make time for your relationship. Dr. Harley says that relationships need a minimum of 15 hrs per week quality, one-on-one time to stay successful. Try to work around her work schedule if you can, but if work is constantly in the way, you may have to draw a line and say it's the job or the marriage. If her work is all consuming that she can't have a personal life, it's a bad job. New Yorkers tend to be very type A and work all the time. It's something about that city.

It sounds like this move was very bad for your marriage, and your wife isn't holding up her end of the deal. Very short-sighted on her part.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #13 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: So this is the SITUATION

I think any sort of trade of sex for other things is a bad idea. She may have honestly believed that she would want frequent exciting sex in NY, but the reality is that she doesn't.

I would ignore her promise, other than to realize that any future promises of sex should be ignored (unless she some day makes good on this one)

That puts you in the situation of being in a relationship with a poor sex life.
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post #14 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: So this is the SITUATION

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I tell yah, for those who have kids. For those with kids, know how stressful this can be. Divorce is not the answer. I just can't. Don't have in me, have a 3 & 6 yr old to support.
You can be an excellent father without having to live in the same house, you know that, right? You can fully support your children as a divorced father and have a sex life, to boot.

Remember, children are perceptive and they easily pick up on tension, distance, anger, etc. They also tend to emulate the adult romantic relationship modeled for them by their parents.

I divorced when my kids were 6 and 1 year olds. I remarried shortly after. My kids got to grow up seeing a healthy, loving, demonstrative, affectionate, marriage modeled for them. The girls are now adults. Their own relationships are also healthy, loving, and demonstrative.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #15 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 04:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: So this is the SITUATION

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Originally Posted by Plan 9 from OS View Post
Not much to say if you don't answer some of the people's questions. What's your sexual frequency with the wife? We talking once per day, once per week, once per month, etc. etc? When people say they have a high drive, it all becomes relative when you are amongst a diverse group like you find here. I'd hate to bust on your wife if she's giving it up daily right now and you're complaining about not getting it 2-3 times in a day. You make a much more sympathetic character if you are luck to get laid once per month.

So what's the frequency kenneth?
I get lucky if we have sex once or twice a month... Yep it's bad. Bust on my wife? Good luck with that one buddy.
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