I haven't posted on here in a long time and I figured to just rant a bit. My wife and I decided to move to NYC a year ago and we currently reside here. I moved, because she wasn't "happy in California", "bored" as she says. So I made the leap of faith and she promised me so much intoxicating sex that it would blow my mind. Well ladies and gents that never happened, so I'm a bit frustrated. I have an intensely high sex drive and she doesn't have the libido I do. The first few months I saw what NYC was about I was completely shocked (at the women specifically, I love my wife but these women are beautiful), from all over the world. Anyways, basically I catch myself always daydreaming wishing I was single based on my sex life.... but I realize that's just selfish of me and I've never cheated on this woman ever ( caught myself wanting to do that, but never acted upon it)
I understand so many things are going wrong in this world, but a healthy sex life to me is important. It's my only way to release stress besides basketball. I gave up video games, I don't really do much now a days and do realize reading some books could help. Yes, therapy would help... but when will she get the message that I need her more than she thinks. Mind you I have two kids as well, so that doesn't really help the situation. Anyone else been in this position? Any solutions? Why do I crave sex so much more than she does? Why do I fantasize about other women so much, believe me my head is spinning out of control with not having my priorities straight, but I'm only human. By no means am I a saint. HELP!!
BTW hope you all are trying to make the best of healthy sexual acts of engagement. Thanks for reading my nonsense.
A few thoughts from a guy who has been married for over 45 years to the same woman. Yes, be faithful and don't cheat. That is keep it in your pants.
Sex Therapy really helped my wife and myself. Another things that helped me deal with my LD wife was reading the book by Glover called No. More Mr. Nice Guy. What I learned from that book were several things. First that I was codependent on my wife for her to validate me.
Second that made me very "clingy" and needy" and those were not things that my wife found sexually attractive.
Third, that I needed to take responsibility for my happiness. For me that meant following Glover's suggestion on Getting a Life. That did not mean becoming a jerk, or ignoring my wife and children. It meant finding time to exercise and do hobbies that brought me happiness, a sense of pride in myself and accomplishment. It also was an opportunity to find out things to do with my children even if my wife didn't want to do them (bike riding with children, going to swimming pools with them, taking walks in parks with them, etc.)
That also means taking responsibility for your own sexual happiness. If I like being touched, I can get a legitimate massage from a pretty woman. If I really want to orgasm, I can masturbate. If I really want to be held by my wife, I can talk to her and ask her to hold me.
Far too often, when we get codependent we do one of two things. The first is that we expect our significant other to read our mind and make us happy, without telling what we need. The second is that we do something that Glover calls a "Covert Contract." This is where you tell yourself that hey if I do some more housework, my wife will have sex with me. So you do more housework and you don't get more sex. Then you double down and do even more housework and you still don't get the sex you want. Then you try even harder by doing all the housework and it still doesn't work. Your poor wife is looking at you and saying, gosh that is interesting he is doing his share of the housework FINALLY, but boy does he seem grumpy. I don't want to have sex with a grumpy guy.
A covert contract is a game you have created in your own mind all by yourself that your spouse has not bought into.
So, talk to your wife, find out what she needs. Tell her what you need to be happy. Negotiate something that is within both your boundaries. If you can't seek help with a sex therapist.