Time for little update - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

No more defending LD's.

No more defending those who let themselves go.



What I am wanting to learn is:


- how someone who was obese lost weight?

- what did they do?

- details?



- I am LD but l learned to do the following to better meet my HD spouses needs

- what did my HD spouse do, so I was more receptive?

- Details?



Time for advice and what works. That's what I'm looking for.

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post #137 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:58 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
Quit defending LD spouses......marriage is 50 / 50, not 99 / 01.


Too many posts here about how LD's never change for anyone and that's very selfish and in it for themselves.


If HD spouses can change and adapt, LD spouses can do the same.


Sex is not a chore. Sex is what a loving hubby and wife do for that intimate connection. To see sex as a chore, you have issues that need addressing. Professional help.


If someone doesn't take care of themselves, guess what, they are at fault and no one else. Period.


From the very beginning we got married, the sex was minimal 1x month and I was still very supportive. But many years of that takes its toll and if marriage isn't 50 / 50, that's not right and I dialed it back accordingly. Marriage is 50 / 50, not 99 / 01 with excuses.


Mrs.CuddleBug has taken no responsibility and I still am not even allowed to get angry. That's bad and its my fault somehow.


I had issues dialing back my sex drive but its the LD way or the highway, that's not 50 / 50.


When LD's don't change that's okay. But HD's are expected to do all the changing. That's not taking care of the other halves needs as your own. That's a LD only taking care of themselves.



A loving and sexual wife should be taking care of her mans needs and rocking his world, out of love and take care of his needs as her own and being his wife. This goes the other way as well, us guys taking care of our ladies needs in the same manner.


If the guy is always physically and sexually starved, the wife isn't being very loving and taking care of him. Only herself. When married, you are not your own anymore.


When I married Mrs.CuddleBug, I cut the cords with my parents. She is now my life. My parents and sister, etc. are secondary in all things.


I am very empathetic to those who make a real effort. Of course. But those who do not, what do you really expect? Have your cake and eat it too?
No one has said anything even resembling what you are saying. You are lashing out because people are saying she is being true to who SHE is, and not forcing herself to be who you WANT her to be. What we ARE saying is that you can either continue as you are, or move on. Her weight is not going to change her sex drive. And no one is saying that a HD HAS to adapt to a LD. Just as no one is saying LD HAS to adapt to HD. You can address the compatibility issue and work out a compromise... OR part ways. OR keep the elephant in the room and keep sulking, wallowing in the self pity. Your choice.

So, you mention cutting the cord with parents/siblings/etc. So, my question is this... if they say something disparaging about you, does she jump to your defense, or does she join in with them? I ask for a reason. In the early years of my marriage, it was difficult adjusting from daughter/sister to wife, and then mother. My family has always been close. In fact, my dad has always been "Daddy" to us girls, and still is. He texts me throughout the day, or sends me PM's, too. And each night, he texts us, saying he loves us and hopes we sleep well. I talk to my sisters nearly everyday, too. But, if one of them chose to speak poorly about my husband, I would jump to his defense. If he was in the wrong, I would tell him, privately. My husband and children come first... but I am still close to my sisters and my dad (mom passed away almost 3 years ago).

You say you are empathetic to those who make a true effort... but who are you to determine whether someone had made those efforts or not? You were so quick to jump on me and my size, all without knowing the whole story. And you tried to shame me... again, without knowing my story. Now, you switch gears. You make assumptions about people, based on your own preconceived notions. We all do it, even I do. But own it. And, most importantly, stop assuming you know what got any given person to their current state. You don't know. Even now, you are making assumptions about Mrs.CB. But, do you REALLY know?? I think that would be an excellent start... talk to her and find out WHY she chooses the things she does. You might be surprised by what you learn. And, keep your mind OPEN. Don't shut down if she says something you don't particularly like.

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post #138 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:04 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
No more defending LD's.

No more defending those who let themselves go.



What I am wanting to learn is:


- how someone who was obese lost weight?

- what did they do?

- details?



- I am LD but l learned to do the following to better meet my HD spouses needs

- what did my HD spouse do, so I was more receptive?

- Details?



Time for advice and what works. That's what I'm looking for.


My wife was obese. 280 lbs.

She lost 60 lbs without trying and without exercise.
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post #139 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:06 PM
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Re: Time for little update

I am the one who posted about your once saying you were attacted to a 16 year old co-worker on one of your previous jobs (one that you mentioned required small hands to put circuitry boards -- or something -- together quickly and wasn't really suited to you).

That post was probably a year or so ago when you were looking for a new job (and you were trying out new areas of work) after being laid off. The girl's mom worked there, as I recall, and the girl may have just been helping out there on a temporary basis and was not a full-time employee. I remember the post because I thought it was unusual.

Ring a bell?

PS
And, no, I am not large -- nor have I ever been.

Last edited by Openminded; 02-19-2017 at 07:33 PM.
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post #140 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:09 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Welp, if my spouse told me that I needed to lose 80 pounds and I'm not doing anything about it, I wouldn't be too keen on him touching me. If you truly said to her what you posted here, your delivery was horrible.

You appear to be inflexible and have little to no tolerance. And, I find your username to be quite contradictory. You do not sound like a cuddle bug at all. You sound very hard and cold.

I asked you, why haven't you talked to her about a private trainer coming to the house? What about a private Chef to help with some meals? Yeah, I know you can cook it. Yeah, I know you can show her how to exercise. But the point is to have you be distanced from the situation and have a third party come in and help her. You are not equipped to help her. You know why? Your negative attitude. It blows.You are sexually frustrated and are disgusted by your wife. Frankly, you should have no hand in helping her with this.. Is it because you don't want to spend the $$? Not everyone is cut out for the gym.
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post #141 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:11 PM
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Re: Time for little update

CB,
C2 is well aware how unhappy you are with her. This isn't a communication issue.

The stories about people losing weight or becoming more sexual for their spouse - are ALL the result of the over weight / LD person deciding that is what THEY wanted.

What you want, are stories where an unhappy spouse was able to inspire/persuade their over weight / LD spouse to change.

All those stories share a similar set of themes:
1. The heavy/LD spouse truly loved their partner and very much wanted to remain married
2. They had some desire to achieve the goals in question (maybe they were fit and sexual when younger and have fond memories of returning to that state)
3. They realize that continuing at present course and speed WILL kill the marriage

Most posters who come across as angry and unhappy - look at that list and conclude that only (3) is true. Which I imagine is the case for you. I'm not saying C2 dislikes you. Just that she isn't all that bothered by the idea of being divorced.

I get the impression that you believe if we all agree that C2 is selfish and lazy - somehow that will help you.

Newsflash: If you approach C2 and tell her that the folks on TAM took a vote and the result was: They UNANIMOUSLY agree you are a great husband, and she is a lazy, selfish wife.

She would just shrug.



Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
Not one post here on:


- how someone who was obese lost weight?

- what did they do?

- details?



Not one post here on:


- I am LD but l learned to do the following to better meet my HD spouses needs

- what did my HD spouse do, so I was more receptive?

- Details?



That's what I'm talking about. Not LD and out of shape spouses that aren't willing to change and take responsibility for their choices in life.
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post #142 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:17 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
Not one post here on:.
That's what groupthink is all about, CB.
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post #143 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:19 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
T
All I'm seeing are large ladies here, defending other large ladies for not taking care of themselves and blaming others for everything.
You have been told that this isn't true. Not all of us are women and of the women here, not all of us are large. I am a small, thin, fit woman. This has nothing to do with me or my size. It is about your horrid attitude and unwillingness to face the truth. Even to the point that you are making things up on here about the people responding to you. The above quote is literally make believe that you are posting. It's factually false.

I told my husband about this thread and he said that I shouldn't post a bikini photo to prove my point. lol


Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
Not one post here on:


- how someone who was obese lost weight?

- what did they do?

- details?



Not one post here on:


- I am LD but l learned to do the following to better meet my HD spouses needs

- what did my HD spouse do, so I was more receptive?

- Details?



That's what I'm talking about. Not LD and out of shape spouses that aren't willing to change and take responsibility for their choices in life.
You keep harping on personal responsibility, but the only one of these that pertains to you is what an HD spouse could do so the LD spouse would be more receptive. No one can tell your wife how to make changes, because your wife is not here. You are the only one who can change the things you want changed. You cannot change your wife, yet you continue to be angry that she won't change for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
I took care of myself for my health and her........I'm selfish?

You have repeatedly said that taking care of one's health is a personal responsibility, but now it's convenient to say you are doing it for her. Have you ever asked her if that's what she wants? Do you even know what she wants in a marriage with you?


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post #144 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:21 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
What I am wanting to learn is:

- how someone who was obese lost weight?

- what did they do?

- details?
Obese people lose weight when being overweight gives them more problems than benefits.

Right now, your wife enjoys the pleasures of good food and avoids the hassle and unpleasantness of exercise. She also enjoys the benefits of being less sexually attractive to you because she doesn't enjoy sex with you. From the way you come across, I'm not surprised that she would enjoy snacking more than being a receptacle for your "man needs."

Nobody loses weight because people told them to. People lose weight because they WANT to. You have little to no control over what your wife wants.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
What I am wanting to learn is:

- I am LD but l learned to do the following to better meet my HD spouses needs

- what did my HD spouse do, so I was more receptive?

- Details?
I don't think there is much an HD person can do to make a LD person more receptive to sex. The HD person would have to totally reframe sex in both their own mind and that of their LD partner. Sex would have to change from being about the HD's needs and into mutual enjoyment for BOTH partners.

About the only solution I can think of is for both people to seek out a sex therapist, so they can hear suggestions from a neutral third party.

If your wife isn't on board for either of those things (thinking about sex differently or talking to a therapist) all I can suggest is that you stop being so selfish and whiny and maybe your wife will start to believe you actually love her for her, and not for what wifely duties you think she is supposed to be performing.

I don't understand why you married this woman in the first place, and I don't understand why you remain married to her. It just doesn't seem like it was ever a good marriage to me. If you are not sexually compatible with one another, and neither of you is unwilling to change, why not just end the marriage?

Last edited by Hopeful Cynic; 02-19-2017 at 07:26 PM.
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post #145 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:37 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
No more defending LD's.

No more defending those who let themselves go.

What I am wanting to learn is:

- how someone who was obese lost weight?

- what did they do?

- details?

- I am LD but l learned to do the following to better meet my HD spouses needs

- what did my HD spouse do, so I was more receptive?

- Details?

Time for advice and what works. That's what I'm looking for.
So now that things are not going the way you want them to you are changing the rules. Sounds a lot like how you have described your approach to your marriage.

You have been married to your wife for 17 years. You have told her how upset your are with not getting the sex you want and her not being thin enough for you. Instead of calling it quits so you can both find happiness elsewhere you continue to stay in an unhappy marriage with a woman you are extremely dissatisfied with. Why is that?


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post #146 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

This is a good start.


More please......and what you did and what actually works, thx.


More details the better.


If you don't have anything to contribute that you did and actually works and helps, don't bother posting.

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post #147 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:50 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
What I am wanting to learn is:


- how someone who was obese lost weight?

- what did they do?

- details?
What did it for me was my son. I worked with my doctor to lose the weight. When attempts failed, I finally resorted to surgery. Some may think it is the easy way out, but it DEFINITELY is not. Most days, I can't even stand the smell of food, let alone eat it. So, I make sure I have protein/meal replacement shakes handy.

But, back to the why. My son. One day, I looked at that cute little cherub face and knew that if I didn't take drastic action, I wouldn't see him grow up. So, I worked with my doctor, did everything he said, and ended up getting surgery.

Now, 12.5 years later, I am still considered obese, but more active, and if I eat even one bite more than my stomach can handle, it ALL comes back up, and forget about eating for the rest of the day. At that point, I am lucky to be able to drink any water and keep it down.

But, I truly do not believe your wife is at that point. And, as another pointed out, it had to be MY choice, no one else's. My husband couldn't make me. He couldn't push me into it. Even the OB nurse, when I had my firstborn, couldn't do it. I was 408 pounds the day my oldest was born. While lying in the hospital bed, recovering from my c-section, the OB who delivered my son asked the nurse to talk to me about weight loss surgery. I was not receptive at that point. 3 years later, however, was a different story...

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post #148 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

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What did it for me was my son. I worked with my doctor to lose the weight. When attempts failed, I finally resorted to surgery. Some may think it is the easy way out, but it DEFINITELY is not. Most days, I can't even stand the smell of food, let alone eat it. So, I make sure I have protein/meal replacement shakes handy.

But, back to the why. My son. One day, I looked at that cute little cherub face and knew that if I didn't take drastic action, I wouldn't see him grow up. So, I worked with my doctor, did everything he said, and ended up getting surgery.

Now, 12.5 years later, I am still considered obese, but more active, and if I eat even one bite more than my stomach can handle, it ALL comes back up, and forget about eating for the rest of the day. At that point, I am lucky to be able to drink any water and keep it down.

But, I truly do not believe your wife is at that point. And, as another pointed out, it had to be MY choice, no one else's. My husband couldn't make me. He couldn't push me into it. Even the OB nurse, when I had my firstborn, couldn't do it. I was 408 pounds the day my oldest was born. While lying in the hospital bed, recovering from my c-section, the OB who delivered my son asked the nurse to talk to me about weight loss surgery. I was not receptive at that point. 3 years later, however, was a different story...

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Thank you for sharing that. I'm in sponge mode....

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post #149 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

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So now that things are not going the way you want them to you are changing the rules. Sounds a lot like how you have described your approach to your marriage.

You have been married to your wife for 17 years. You have told her how upset your are with not getting the sex you want and her not being thin enough for you. Instead of calling it quits so you can both find happiness elsewhere you continue to stay in an unhappy marriage with a woman you are extremely dissatisfied with. Why is that?

I bought a sex toy recently to use when Mrs.CuddleBug isn't in the mood.


Would that be a marriage breaker for you?


This way I never pester her for intimacy.


An acceptable option?

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post #150 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

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Obese people lose weight when being overweight gives them more problems than benefits.

Right now, your wife enjoys the pleasures of good food and avoids the hassle and unpleasantness of exercise. She also enjoys the benefits of being less sexually attractive to you because she doesn't enjoy sex with you. From the way you come across, I'm not surprised that she would enjoy snacking more than being a receptacle for your "man needs."

Nobody loses weight because people told them to. People lose weight because they WANT to. You have little to no control over what your wife wants.



I don't think there is much an HD person can do to make a LD person more receptive to sex. The HD person would have to totally reframe sex in both their own mind and that of their LD partner. Sex would have to change from being about the HD's needs and into mutual enjoyment for BOTH partners.

About the only solution I can think of is for both people to seek out a sex therapist, so they can hear suggestions from a neutral third party.

If your wife isn't on board for either of those things (thinking about sex differently or talking to a therapist) all I can suggest is that you stop being so selfish and whiny and maybe your wife will start to believe you actually love her for her, and not for what wifely duties you think she is supposed to be performing.

I don't understand why you married this woman in the first place, and I don't understand why you remain married to her. It just doesn't seem like it was ever a good marriage to me. If you are not sexually compatible with one another, and neither of you is unwilling to change, why not just end the marriage?


See, I'm always making sure Mrs.CuddleBug is well taken care of.

Today, she worked and I had the day off.

I did the dishes, bathroom dishes, whites and darks, bedroom made, garbage out, recycling done and I even bought a vegetable cutter machine that should be here soon as a surprise we can both use.

Am I just doing too much?

You nailed it, we are sexual opposites, very true. I learned that from TAM.

I've never actually told Mrs.CuddleBug lose weight. She knows without me saying anything. You know what I mean.

Actually, she buys me food treats on her way home so she can eat them and so we don't have sex......very predictable.

If I could kill my sex drive 50%, I would. It's horrible being in the mood most of the time and you're spouse isn't in the mood. I get grumpy.

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