Time for little update - Page 18 - Talk About Marriage
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post #256 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 11:42 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Getting back to the topic at hand, there's not much C1 can do to change C2. So as always he can suck it up or go elsewhere.
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post #257 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:05 AM
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Re: Time for little update

I'm deleting the thread jack of you all arguing between each other.

Only post directly to the OP, addressing his issues.

Anyone who continues the read jack can look forward to a few day break from the board (aka ban).

{Speaking as a moderator.}
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post #258 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: Time for little update

CB, feel for you. In somewhat the same boat as you. We're a bit older than you (50), but my wife is also overweight (she's not obese, but she could lose 40-50 lbs). She actually lost the weight over five years ago, but it's all come back. She will make noise about getting back on the wagon, but never follows through. For example, last weekend she stated that starting tomorrow (meaning that next Monday), she was going to start watching what she eats and try to exercise (it's been a warm winter here). She had her food all ready for work the next day. Come Thursday, that was all out the window - eating pizza, scarfing a cupcake from a batch that a neighbor brought over, eating a bag of chips, etc. Sits on her rear when she could be outside with the kids (I always take the kids outside when I'm home and it's nice). I don't say anything about her weight - I do encourage her if she wants to exercise, and we'll all go out for a walk when we can, but I never mention how she's overweight. She knows, and doesn't need me to tell her.

As for sex, that's out the window. Her drive is long gone, and it's driven my drive down. When she dresses nice, she still looks good even though she's overweight, and I'd overlook the weight if our sex life was good (she was overweight for the first five or six years of our marriage plus the two plus years before we got married, but our sex life was good so the weight didn't bother me).

You can't force your wife to change - she has to want to do it. You have to hope that the epiphany will hit and she'll realize that she's tired of being fat and wants to change herself. She's still young enough to make a change, but the ball is in her court. You're doing the right thing in trying to set an example, but she has to realize what it takes to lose the weight. It comes down to does her enjoying junk food outweigh her wanting to get in shape. Only she can make that decision - all you can do is support her if she decides that she wants to change her path.
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post #259 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

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I'm deleting the thread jack of you all arguing between each other.

Only post directly to the OP, addressing his issues.

Anyone who continues the read jack can look forward to a few day break from the board (aka ban).

{Speaking as a moderator.}


Thank you.


As a positive start, when Mrs.CuddleBug asks me about what we should get for dinner, I now tell her, wraps, subs, etc. and healthy organic chicken fingers, etc. She now buys this and the diet is improving for her. So no more fudge brownies and treats. She wants a snack, fruits, chicken fingers, salad, etc. and you get the idea.

I also bought her another kitchen item, that she is actually interested in. Vegetable Spiral Slicer.

So I'm changing our diet more and buying fun kitchen items we can both use. It's a start.



My two questions.


(01) If you were LD, what did you do to meet half way for your HD spouses needs?


(02) If you were overweight, what did you do to get in shape? Motivation? What got you started? What did you do?



I'm here to try and learn. Anything else is useless info and I agree with EleGirl.

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post #260 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: Time for little update

It sounds like you are making some changes in the right direction. Good!
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post #261 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:56 PM
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Re: Time for little update

1. Meeting the HD "halfway" is pointless numerically. If her idea is 4x a year, a 100% increase is 8x a year. Rejoice 😁

2. Cycling - it allows for quality time together quite well. I tried walking and treadmill and hated both - cycling is far more interesting.

Keep in mind that you aren't addressing the root causes of her LD. You and her can win the tour de France and it won't help in the intimacy department... Been there...

Incidentally, hearing other peoples' experience is hardly useless info. It's data. It's up to us to separate data from chaff. Such long term - hardcore - sex aversion cases are rarely resolved without professional intervention.
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post #262 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 06:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

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1. Meeting the HD "halfway" is pointless numerically. If her idea is 4x a year, a 100% increase is 8x a year. Rejoice 😁

2. Cycling - it allows for quality time together quite well. I tried walking and treadmill and hated both - cycling is far more interesting.

Keep in mind that you aren't addressing the root causes of her LD. You and her can win the tour de France and it won't help in the intimacy department... Been there...

Incidentally, hearing other peoples' experience is hardly useless info. It's data. It's up to us to separate data from chaff. Such long term - hardcore - sex aversion cases are rarely resolved without professional intervention.


That's a really good point. Sad but true.

Mrs.Cuddlebug's root cause for her LD, is her extreme insecurity about her size, how she was badly treated in high school and her bad ex bf, so she focused on her job and nothing else. Her parents are also ultra quiet, shy and conservative and she is to an extent as well.

I would have no issues going to a sex therapist with Mrs.CuddeBug. Would she do the same? Probably not.

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post #263 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 06:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

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It sounds like you are making some changes in the right direction. Good!

Yuppers. Hopefully this continues.

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post #264 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 07:15 PM
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Re: Time for little update

CB-
As I recall, your sex life improved the last time Mrs. CB lost weight. She was modeling her new clothes for you and sexier. You were happy at that time. She may never be as sexually adventurous as you, but I think you will like her better if she is taking care of herself as a way to show you she respects you and your marriage. That may go a long way towards making the less that ideal sex life easier to deal with.

I was LD because I was perpetually tired and stressed. After I lost the weight, I really had no change in libido. Being smaller did not increase the self confidence my husband destroyed with his unkind words and actions. As such, I recognize sex as a marital obligation and oblige. It is sad, but I have not been able to reconcile my feeling that I am only as good as my dress size.

When I was trying to lose weight I went to the gym to increase my calorie burn every day. I went at 3:30 in the morning to avoid the gym rats and hot soccer moms. I did it for about 6 months. I also saw a personal trainer in her home to be sure I was doing all the right things to not injure myself. I alternated cardio (bike, treadmill, elliptical) with agility and balance exercises and weight training. I bagged the gym after I reached goal weight but continue once a week with the personal trainer. Currently, I walk 4 miles a day in my neighborhood or on my home treadmill 6 days a week, doing a Tabata on three of those days (cuts 20 minutes off my exercise time). I detest the gym but find walking tolerable (barely).

I struggle every day with food. I use My Fitness Pal to control my caloric intake and record my exercise. I live in a very controlled environment as far as what food is in the house. My husband loves his treats and I have to watch him snarf down candy bars, pop, chips, and other delicious snacks. He feels it is my obligation to control my food and it is not his responsibility to make it easier on me.

I notice that you are talking healthy wraps and subs. Mrs. CB would do better to avoid the refined carbs in the wrapper and bread. If she is going to eat a wrap, use a couple of romaine leaves and ditch the tortilla, saving at least 120 calories. When you buy a sub, get the ones with the least processed meats and have them put all the veggies on it. Then, ditch the sub bun and put the contents on a bed of lettuce, saving a couple hundred calories. If she feels empty without the carbs, use slow carbs like steel cut oats and brown rice. Both will fill her up and release energy slowly. The chicken fingers should be grilled and unbreaded.

Anyway, glad to hear there is some progress being made. Help her to get traction on this. She will remember you helped her and that can only go well for you.

Good luck!
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post #265 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 07:20 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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That's a really good point. Sad but true.

Mrs.Cuddlebug's root cause for her LD, is her extreme insecurity about her size, how she was badly treated in high school and her bad ex bf, so she focused on her job and nothing else. Her parents are also ultra quiet, shy and conservative and she is to an extent as well.

I would have no issues going to a sex therapist with Mrs.CuddeBug. Would she do the same? Probably not.
Is she receptive to any kind of counseling? That's my last card as well. No counseling, it's walk time.

You can avoid an issue up to a point, or face it. Together preferably.
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post #266 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 08:27 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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Mrs.Cuddlebug's root cause for her LD, is her extreme insecurity about her size, how she was badly treated in high school and her bad ex bf, so she focused on her job and nothing else. Her parents are also ultra quiet, shy and conservative and she is to an extent as well.

I would have no issues going to a sex therapist with Mrs.CuddeBug. Would she do the same? Probably not.
I think her LD is far more deeply rooted. It's intrinsic to who she is, to simply not need or think about sex that much. An HD person has sex no matter what their weight or treatment. An LD person uses weight as an excuse not to have sex. An HD person would leap at the chance to improve their sex life with therapy. An LD person avoid sex therapy like the plague.

You are unhappy about two separate things. Her unhealthy weight, and her low interest in sex. Don't pressure her to fix her weight thinking it will also fix the LD issue.

Why not go to a sex therapist by yourself? You might get some ideas for making her feel desirable despite her weight, or what you can do to trigger responsive desire, or techniques to use to enhance her pleasure and make sex more enjoyable for her.

One thing I learned the hard way about LD is that it can develop when one partner doesn't get anything out of sex, that the idea of sex has become all about the other person. The more you tell her sex is important to YOU, the more she'll feel it's a chore for HER. Being heavy could be her way of trying to make you want sex less, like a shield of unattractiveness.
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post #267 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 09:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

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I think her LD is far more deeply rooted. It's intrinsic to who she is, to simply not need or think about sex that much. An HD person has sex no matter what their weight or treatment. An LD person uses weight as an excuse not to have sex. An HD person would leap at the chance to improve their sex life with therapy. An LD person avoid sex therapy like the plague.

You are unhappy about two separate things. Her unhealthy weight, and her low interest in sex. Don't pressure her to fix her weight thinking it will also fix the LD issue.

Why not go to a sex therapist by yourself? You might get some ideas for making her feel desirable despite her weight, or what you can do to trigger responsive desire, or techniques to use to enhance her pleasure and make sex more enjoyable for her.

One thing I learned the hard way about LD is that it can develop when one partner doesn't get anything out of sex, that the idea of sex has become all about the other person. The more you tell her sex is important to YOU, the more she'll feel it's a chore for HER. Being heavy could be her way of trying to make you want sex less, like a shield of unattractiveness.

You're right. Nailed it pretty good.

I can go to a sex therapist? To find ways to have more sex with my LD wife? Better sexual aids/toys? I need a way to lower my adventurous sex drive or increase hers. I am physical so that works for me more than talking. My main love language is physical rating 12 (highest).

I could still have sex every day and sometimes multiple times a day, or in an hour......but I can lower it to say 3x week. Even at 3x week, that's just enough for me not to relieve myself and / or view porn. Basically zero porn and zero relieving myself. The urges are totally controlled and I honestly forget about porn altogether. No, I don't view porn every day, more like 1x month when my sex drive is that bad.

I don't think being heavy is a shield against Mrs.CuddleBug and I having sex. She was heavy when we got married and in her high school years. She's always been that way but has never gone to a gym, life style change, eat better to get healthier and over the years, the weight would come off and then its maintenance. It's motivating her is the real issue.

Would you rather eats treats and junk food, chillin' on the couch, a nice cold beverage, watch some tv, laptop, maybe a nap OR go to the gym for an hour?

With my sex toy, I get it out of my system and never pester Mrs.CuddleBug for sex anymore. No more endless rejections with excuses.

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post #268 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 09:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

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Is she receptive to any kind of counseling? That's my last card as well. No counseling, it's walk time.

You can avoid an issue up to a point, or face it. Together preferably.

I could suggest sexual counseling, but I know she'd avoid it like the plaque. She doesn't even want to talk about sex. Uneasy for her.

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post #269 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 09:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

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CB-
As I recall, your sex life improved the last time Mrs. CB lost weight. She was modeling her new clothes for you and sexier. You were happy at that time. She may never be as sexually adventurous as you, but I think you will like her better if she is taking care of herself as a way to show you she respects you and your marriage. That may go a long way towards making the less that ideal sex life easier to deal with.

I was LD because I was perpetually tired and stressed. After I lost the weight, I really had no change in libido. Being smaller did not increase the self confidence my husband destroyed with his unkind words and actions. As such, I recognize sex as a marital obligation and oblige. It is sad, but I have not been able to reconcile my feeling that I am only as good as my dress size.

When I was trying to lose weight I went to the gym to increase my calorie burn every day. I went at 3:30 in the morning to avoid the gym rats and hot soccer moms. I did it for about 6 months. I also saw a personal trainer in her home to be sure I was doing all the right things to not injure myself. I alternated cardio (bike, treadmill, elliptical) with agility and balance exercises and weight training. I bagged the gym after I reached goal weight but continue once a week with the personal trainer. Currently, I walk 4 miles a day in my neighborhood or on my home treadmill 6 days a week, doing a Tabata on three of those days (cuts 20 minutes off my exercise time). I detest the gym but find walking tolerable (barely).

I struggle every day with food. I use My Fitness Pal to control my caloric intake and record my exercise. I live in a very controlled environment as far as what food is in the house. My husband loves his treats and I have to watch him snarf down candy bars, pop, chips, and other delicious snacks. He feels it is my obligation to control my food and it is not his responsibility to make it easier on me.

I notice that you are talking healthy wraps and subs. Mrs. CB would do better to avoid the refined carbs in the wrapper and bread. If she is going to eat a wrap, use a couple of romaine leaves and ditch the tortilla, saving at least 120 calories. When you buy a sub, get the ones with the least processed meats and have them put all the veggies on it. Then, ditch the sub bun and put the contents on a bed of lettuce, saving a couple hundred calories. If she feels empty without the carbs, use slow carbs like steel cut oats and brown rice. Both will fill her up and release energy slowly. The chicken fingers should be grilled and unbreaded.

Anyway, glad to hear there is some progress being made. Help her to get traction on this. She will remember you helped her and that can only go well for you.

Good luck!


That's true. When Mrs.CuddleBug started going to the gym, she lost a lot of weight, new smaller clothes, modeled some for me, she even had a sex drive increase up to about 2x to 3x week. But then she missed a day here and there and that let to more and now doesn't go to the gym. Result is she gained all her weight back and more.....

Thanks for the gym info and what worked for you.

See, I know Mrs.CuddleBug is weak when it comes to food and treats. Another reason I do the grocery shopping. Our treats are lower sugar, healthier and even gluten free.

Yup, Mrs.CuddleBug has unwraps, chicken, rice and vegies. I have the regular wrap with chicken, vegies and rice. I eat healthy like Mrs.CuddleBug and no junk food for me in front of her. Or we have subway or something else healthy.

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post #270 of 270 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 09:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

Mrs.CuddleBug got us dinner, and told me, I'm walking instead of driving.....Another small step.

So unwrap for her, wrap for me and she walked to get it.....positive start.

Now she loves popcorn, so I buy her organic popcorn and I got her an air popcorn popper.

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