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post #31 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 03:09 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Your wife has not changed in the 17 years you've been married to her. You married her expecting her to change the things you didn't like. Usually people don't grow as they age. They get more set in their ways.

Your expectations of your wife are unrealistic. You have been complaining about her for years.

My prediction is that you will eventually divorce your wife. She will remain permanently single. She'll grow old and die alone.

You will find someone. Fall in love. Marry her. Expect her to change. Be frustrated that she isn't changing how you want her to.

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post #32 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 03:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

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Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
Your wife has not changed in the 17 years you've been married to her. You married her expecting her to change the things you didn't like. Usually people don't grow as they age. They get more set in their ways.

Your expectations of your wife are unrealistic. You have been complaining about her for years.

My prediction is that you will eventually divorce your wife. She will remain permanently single. She'll grow old and die alone.

You will find someone. Fall in love. Marry her. Expect her to change. Be frustrated that she isn't changing how you want her to.

So you're saying its too much and unrealistic for someone to take care of themselves, their spouse and marriage? WOW.


Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get in shape? NO.

Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get a healthy sex drive? NO.


Your predictions are probably right. Scary but true.


I take care of my body. So can she.

I have a healthy sex drive and am open to almost anything you can imagine. Anything she wants to try, I'm game.


I can change and adapt, better myself, open to new things. So can she.


I have changed so much over the 17 years but she has remained almost the same. Only thing she did was get braces to straighten her teeth and I had to push her to do it. Now that the braces are off and her teeth are amazing, no longer insecure to smile, she wished she would of done this way back instead of nothing.


It's almost like Mrs.CuddleBug has a mental disorder or something and can't adapt, learn and change to better herself. She has to be pushed and her hand held or nothing happens.

She still talks with her parents and sister almost every day after work for 1 to 2 hours and they live 10 minutes away.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.

Last edited by CuddleBug; 02-12-2017 at 03:35 PM.
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post #33 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 04:07 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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So you're saying its too much and unrealistic for someone to take care of themselves, their spouse and marriage? WOW.
I didn't say that at all. I said that your expectations for your wife are unrealistic. She has always been this way. Expecting her to change who she fundamentally is – that’s unrealistic. She isn’t the type of person who wants to take care of herself, her spouse, and her marriage; at least not in the way that you want her to. That’s the woman you married. Expecting that to change is unrealistic. She isn’t going to change who she is.

You seem extremely frustrated and unhappy with that part of who she is. You can’t change her, so what are you going to do? Remain in a state of extreme frustration and unhappiness over it or make a change in your circumstances that does not require anything of your wife?

I take care of myself. I eat well and exercise regularly. I’m in decent shape. I don’t think it’s unrealistic since I’m living it. I do, however, think it’s unrealistic to expect it of someone who shows no propensity to be like this.

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Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get in shape? NO.
Wanting it and expecting it or two entirely different things. You are upset with her and your life with her because she will not comply with your wishes. You think what you are asking is perfectly reasonable and doable and your wife should comply. If your wife agreed, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. She clearly does not share your view and she never will. You cannot change her to what you want her to be. What are you going to do about your situation?

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Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get a healthy sex drive? NO.
Do you think you are entitled to what you want? It appears that you consider what you want to be what you ought have. How’s that working out for you?


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I take care of my body. So can she.
For some reason she doesn’t want to. It’s her body and her life. She does with it what she wants. You do with your body and your life what you want. She wants your sex drive to decrease. Is he asking what’s wrong with you that you want too damn much sex? Should you decrease your drive to make her happy?

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I have a healthy sex drive and am open to almost anything you can imagine. Anything she wants to try, I'm game.
Apparently she is trying everything she wants to try and it’s not good enough for you.


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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
I can change and adapt, better myself, open to new things. So can she.
But she doesn’t want to. I don’t see you adapting to her. Why should she adapt to you if you aren’t adapting to her?


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I have changed so much over the 17 years but she has remained almost the same. Only thing she did was get braces to straighten her teeth and I had to push her to do it. Now that the braces are off and her teeth are amazing, no longer insecure to smile, she wished she would of done this way back instead of nothing.
Looks like she’s done some adapting to your wishes. She even put up with the pain of braces to increase her attractiveness to you.


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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
It's almost like Mrs.CuddleBug has a mental disorder or something and can't adapt, learn and change to better herself. She has to be pushed and her hand held or nothing happens.
I thought that living in a world of make believe was a mental disorder.

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She still talks with her parents and sister almost every day after work for 1 to 2 hours and they live 10 minutes away.
Apparently they are her best friends. They probably accept her exactly for who she is.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html

Last edited by CynthiaDe; 02-12-2017 at 04:13 PM.
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post #34 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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Yeah, I would advise them to get to a doctor/dietician, even make an appointment, but I still can't make them do it. Whether it's obesity, heroin or whisky, the user has to be the one who gives up, for themself. You can't give up for them. You can support them, but you can't "make" them do it. Unless and until they want to, you're just hot air.
I agree, that's true.

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post #35 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 05:40 PM
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I'm going to quote my marriage counselor: What's your bottom line?

If the lack of sex and her weight are deal breakers...do both of you a favor and leave. Sit her down and tell her those things are deal breakers and non-negotiable. You cannot change other people.

I had a back injury a couple years ago and stopped powerlifting. I gained a bit of weight. My husband never let me forget how amazing my body looked when I lifted. You know what it did? Made me (1) feel pressured and to get that body back. I felt like I would never get there again and so I became depressed and didn't even try. (2) like I wasn't appreciated for who I was as a person and like my body was all he cared about.

We ended up separating, partly due to the fact I pushed hard against him. Once he was out the picture I reconnected with myself and I'm lifting again and my body looks great.

It is awesome that you have improved your life and health. You did that for yourself, not for her. You changed the terms of the marriage because now you expect her to change too. It would be the same if you were both addicts and you decided y be clean...well, she married someone comfortable with a low sex drive and her weight.

It's your right to leave. It's not your right to brow beat her the way you are doing every. Single. Day.
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post #36 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 06:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

My expectations are not unrealistic about Mrs.CuddleBug. Its a basic human responsibility, take care of yourself. Being obese shows me someone is lazy and doesn't care. This effects her health and our marriage.

I take care of myself for my health and our marriage. But she doesn't have to do the same I guess and its okay? No its not.

She is comfy and from what I can tell, doesn't care. That isn't wife material. I care and take responsibility for myself.

So its okay for her to have a low sex drive, know its making me miserable and its okay? Great. So much for taking care of each others needs as your own. That's not happening, not even a compromise. But that's okay.

Quit taking the LD spouses side. You know fully well the LD is the one that never changes. The HD spouse jumps through hoops and reads and tries everything. What has the LD spouse done in return? Nothing. But its okay.

Changing, adapting and growing is part of life. If you don't, life gets tough for you fast and you can be left behind. That goes for everything else, job, education, taking care of yourself, investing, etc.

You couldn't be more wrong about the braces. Mrs.CuddleBug always wanted to get braces, but she is a talker and not a doer, remember? Talk is cheap and accomplishes nothing in the end. I told her, use our line of credit and get your teeth done. She did a year later and doesn't regret it. She wouldn't smile much you see. How is that all for me? It's not.

I cut the cords to my parents when I married her. I grew up.

How about I let myself go, need to lose 80+ lbs, unshaven, I don't want sex with her at all, and you can accept me for that because its who I am? That's a complete joke.

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post #37 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 07:37 PM
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Re: Time for little update

It would only be a joke if you pulled a bait and switch, which your wife did not.

This is who she's always been and you married her anyway.

I disagree that it's a responsibility to take care of oneself.....it's a responsibility to live an authentic life and be honest with those you come into contact with so they can make their own decisions.

Those who bait and switch are dishonest.... in a way that's what you did because you married her as she was with the covert contact that she needed to change herself. If you didn't make that clear to her before marriage then you were dishonest.

I get that you're frustrated, because you are otherwise happy with your life with her. You feel like if she'd just change her level of fitness you'd be happy and you resent that you may have to start over because fitness isn't important to her.

To one who is fit it seems like such a small thing to ask, but to one who has no interest it's a lot different.

But you don't get to decide what others must do. If you decided to get a PhD is your wife then obligated to get one too?

Your position is that you try x, y, and z so your wife should too. That isn't how people work. What if your wife took up a hobby you hated and then got upset because you didn't want to do it too?

None of us are entitled to anything. What we are entitled to is honesty so that we may make our decisions accordingly.

You got that, you just didn't listen and now you're upset about it.

If the package you've got is not one you can live with then you've got some tough decisions ahead, unfortunately.
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post #38 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:03 PM
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Re: Time for little update

It's not necessarily the weight or the sex. Today I had brunch with She Who Is Available And To My Liking and one more pair of people in honor of her birthday. She's way overweight but has a phenomenal personality. She knows how to enjoy life. She has a Maine Coon. And a PhD.

To me, the "enjoy life" part is the deal breaker. The rest - at my age - is up for grabs.

In other words...

If you make the decision to stay in a physically challenged relationship, the rest of the pieces ought to be perfect. That's where the problem is.
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post #39 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:11 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Look CB, you and Mrs. CB are not compatible as spouses, plain and simple. Maybe as roommates but not as spouses.

Bottom line: she doesn't want to change and you can't make her want to. She's happy eating junk food and chatting with her family 1-2 hours per day. You like to work out, she does not. You want an adventurous sex life, she does not. You're no more "right" than she is; you're just different.

For your own happiness you should both accept this incompatibility and agree to move on. You'll both be well situated financially after a divorce and you can move on to happier pursuits.

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post #40 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:21 PM
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Re: Time for little update

CB,
It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. She isn't going to change. So either accept her, and in accepting her accept the resulting impact on your marriage - or divorce.

You have tried hard (without success) to encourage certain behaviors. She is not going to change. Is not going to change. Not going to change.

Is she selfish for not caring that this is causing you distress? Maybe. That doesn't change the situation at all.



Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
My expectations are not unrealistic about Mrs.CuddleBug. Its a basic human responsibility, take care of yourself. Being obese shows me someone is lazy and doesn't care. This effects her health and our marriage.

I take care of myself for my health and our marriage. But she doesn't have to do the same I guess and its okay? No its not.

She is comfy and from what I can tell, doesn't care. That isn't wife material. I care and take responsibility for myself.

So its okay for her to have a low sex drive, know its making me miserable and its okay? Great. So much for taking care of each others needs as your own. That's not happening, not even a compromise. But that's okay.

Quit taking the LD spouses side. You know fully well the LD is the one that never changes. The HD spouse jumps through hoops and reads and tries everything. What has the LD spouse done in return? Nothing. But its okay.

Changing, adapting and growing is part of life. If you don't, life gets tough for you fast and you can be left behind. That goes for everything else, job, education, taking care of yourself, investing, etc.

You couldn't be more wrong about the braces. Mrs.CuddleBug always wanted to get braces, but she is a talker and not a doer, remember? Talk is cheap and accomplishes nothing in the end. I told her, use our line of credit and get your teeth done. She did a year later and doesn't regret it. She wouldn't smile much you see. How is that all for me? It's not.

I cut the cords to my parents when I married her. I grew up.

How about I let myself go, need to lose 80+ lbs, unshaven, I don't want sex with her at all, and you can accept me for that because its who I am? That's a complete joke.
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post #41 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 09:23 PM
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Re: Time for little update

CB,

You are confusing 'fair' band realistic. It might be 'fair' to expect her to make an effort. However, given her conduct to date it is totally unrealistic.



Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
So you're saying its too much and unrealistic for someone to take care of themselves, their spouse and marriage? WOW.


Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get in shape? NO.

Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get a healthy sex drive? NO.


Your predictions are probably right. Scary but true.


I take care of my body. So can she.

I have a healthy sex drive and am open to almost anything you can imagine. Anything she wants to try, I'm game.


I can change and adapt, better myself, open to new things. So can she.


I have changed so much over the 17 years but she has remained almost the same. Only thing she did was get braces to straighten her teeth and I had to push her to do it. Now that the braces are off and her teeth are amazing, no longer insecure to smile, she wished she would of done this way back instead of nothing.


It's almost like Mrs.CuddleBug has a mental disorder or something and can't adapt, learn and change to better herself. She has to be pushed and her hand held or nothing happens.

She still talks with her parents and sister almost every day after work for 1 to 2 hours and they live 10 minutes away.
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post #42 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 10:05 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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Would you give the same advice to someone whose spouse was addicted to alcohol or drugs? 80 lbs over weight can lead to serious health issues...and food addiction is a real thing.
Spit it out, Deidre.

Mr. Cuddlebug is selfish. And he is not loyal "till death do us part".

I understand the pain derived from lack of intimacy.

I understand the frustration as a result of getting no sexual pleasure at all from this women.

She is LD and happy with this. Mr C. knows this. He has known this for years. The women loves to cook and she loves to eat.

She is a couch potato, but she is not an evil b'tch. No, she is mostly a nice lady.

Cuddlebug, what I do not understand is the anger dripping from your posts. God, man this is your wife.

Divorce her. But, do so with sadness. Leave her because the two of you are not compatible....and never were.

Have some dignity for her. And for you.

I am not angry at you. I want you to recognize that all loyal spouses deserve compassion and a proper dissolution of their marriage.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #43 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 11:35 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Sun,
This is really good.


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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Spit it out, Deidre.

Mr. Cuddlebug is selfish. And he is not loyal "till death do us part".

I understand the pain derived from lack of intimacy.

I understand the frustration as a result of getting no sexual pleasure at all from this women.

She is LD and happy with this. Mr C. knows this. He has known this for years. The women loves to cook and she loves to eat.

She is a couch potato, but she is not an evil b'tch. No, she is mostly a nice lady.

Cuddlebug, what I do not understand is the anger dripping from your posts. God, man this is your wife.

Divorce her. But, do so with sadness. Leave her because the two of you are not compatible....and never were.

Have some dignity for her. And for you.

I am not angry at you. I want you to recognize that all loyal spouses deserve compassion and a proper dissolution of their marriage.
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post #44 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 12:31 AM
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Re: Time for little update

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I am not angry at you. I want you to recognize that all loyal spouses deserve compassion and a proper dissolution of their marriage.
Proper dissolution is in the eye of the beholder...
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post #45 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:03 AM
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Re: Time for little update

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
So you're saying its too much and unrealistic for someone to take care of themselves, their spouse and marriage? WOW.


Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get in shape? NO.

Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get a healthy sex drive? NO.


Your predictions are probably right. Scary but true.


I take care of my body. So can she.

I have a healthy sex drive and am open to almost anything you can imagine. Anything she wants to try, I'm game.


I can change and adapt, better myself, open to new things. So can she.


I have changed so much over the 17 years but she has remained almost the same. Only thing she did was get braces to straighten her teeth and I had to push her to do it. Now that the braces are off and her teeth are amazing, no longer insecure to smile, she wished she would of done this way back instead of nothing.


It's almost like Mrs.CuddleBug has a mental disorder or something and can't adapt, learn and change to better herself. She has to be pushed and her hand held or nothing happens.

She still talks with her parents and sister almost every day after work for 1 to 2 hours and they live 10 minutes away.
What was unrealistic was to enter into a marriage in the first place knowing that you had a number of incompatible issues that you thought would eventually iron themselves out. You seem to be confused with causes and effects. I HIGHLY doubt mrs. CB went into the marriage with the goal "I'm going to keep ballooning until I become housebound and on disability". This is actually where she is heading now. If you want to make this a marriage, she needs to be in some type of therapy so that she can figure out WHY she does not value herself. Clearly she is not a big beautiful bold woman who embraces her curves. She clearly has body issues and is embarrassed by her appearance. Your fatal flaw is in assuming that you two had a sex problem. You don't have a sex problem now and you never did. What you have is a spouse that has given up. The question is what is in her past or present that has resigned her to a state of hopelessness. IMHO, that is what's going on. Most likely, she has unresolved body issues from adolescence that she never dealt with. She may now equate you with one of her "attackers" from her youth. IDK, but she needs therapy. You are not equipped to fix her.
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