Time for little update - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:22 AM
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Re: Time for little update

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
I can only get 1/3 of myself in her due to her size. No joke. So the only positions we can do are doggy at this point with oral. That's it.
@CuddleBug My wife and I both have had our own experiences with being overweight, and regardless of size most couples deal with these same issues while maintaining intimacy during pregnancy.

Bottom line is that you are not limited to just doggy and oral, but she may be the one that is making other positions impossible. Missionary with her legs lifted high or with her on top in a similar orientation to you should allow for full penetration.

If your wife is diabetic or has a tendency towards high blood sugar, be very aware that this can make sex painful for her (yeast + sugar = ouch).

I would go to a pharmacy and buy an OTC blood sugar monitoring kit. Some of these devices are cheap these days and the test strips no longer require a prescription.

So if you can abstain from sex indefinitely right now, I would become very aggressive about helping your wife keep her blood sugar in check. In doing so try to create a change in lifestyle that can be maintained with gradual weight loss as it is all about what you eat. Exercise is great, but diet it way more important.

If her blood sugar is high and she refuses to do anything about it, and she refuses to take medical advice from a doctor as well, then I'm sorry for you.

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post #47 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:57 AM
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Cool Re: Time for little update

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For me, having a woman that takes care of herself, so she looks good, dresses sexy, and when we have sex, its really good, that's all I need in a wife.

If she needs to lose a lot of weight, doesn't take care of herself, and the sex is bad, that's not what I want in a wife.

I changed to better myself on many levels. I didn't say, accept me as is because I'm too lazy and unmotivated and selfish to change.

I can only get 1/3 of myself in her due to her size. No joke. So the only positions we can do are doggy at this point with oral. That's it.

Yes, Mrs.CuddleBug is amazing in many ways, just not sexually and physically. I am a HD adventurous man and I have man needs. Not rocket science.

We have never been in the bathroom and shower together in our entire marriage and she still locks the doors to this day.

Mrs.CuddleBug has got so big, her butt and legs dwarf mine and I'm 6ft 2 at 230+ lbs.

Ideally, I would find her a man that is obese and LD. They would both have that in common.

Ideally, I would find myself a woman that is in great shape like myself and is HD.

I guess what it all comes down to is sexual mismatch and the size just adds to the situation.
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post #48 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 09:36 AM
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Re: Time for little update

You sound miserable and depressed.

The hardest part is accepting it's never going to get better and take action. Go see an attorney first. You need to see what a divorce will look like financially and make sure you don't make any mistakes. Accept it, you're going to lose 50% of all your crap. Yes, it's crap. You will make more money and be able to buy more crap. I'm 13 months since separation and 8 months since divorce. I'm still paying off debt and working on buying another house. But I also just got engaged, so that set me back a little. Worth every cent. I am young at 35, so I have time on my side. The joke "Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's fcking worth it!!" is soo so soooo true!

I'll say, the first couple weeks is hard living on your own. Not able to sleep and being scared to start over. But once you connect with another woman and see what you've been missing, it's all worth it. It took me 4 weeks to find my fiance, so I got lucky I suppose. But I detached years ago from my ex wife, so I was ready to move on quickly. No sex for 4yrs will do that!

Man up and leave her. It's the right thing to do for you and her. She checked out of your marriage a long time ago.

However, from your posts, I don't think you'll do it. You are too much of a nice guy and worried about hurting her feelings and disappointing friends and family. You need to realize only you can make yourself happy. Only she can make herself happy. This is your one and only life, so live it up. Don't waste it like so many wimps do.

Finally, you need to realize she DOESN'T want to have sex. This is why she gained the weight. It's her defense shield to keep you from desiring her. Think about that. That is grounds for a divorce. Give it to her.
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post #49 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: Time for little update

IIRC, in past threads you indicated you weren't successful with females before you married her (and presumably felt she was the best you could do then). Now you feel differently and maybe wish she were like that 16 year old girl you were admiring at one of your jobs a year or two ago. Or maybe you'd settle for having her just lose the weight and not try to look 16 (since that's not possible anyway) but the point is she doesn't want to. So you need to accept her the way she is or you need to divorce her and find someone else.
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post #50 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 03:11 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
Mrs.CuddleBug probably knows how I'm feeling about this. She just doesn't want to deal with it.

I honestly think she is clueless but doesn't want to change either.
Don't you think she deserves to know how serious this is for you? You're making the assumption that she knows, but maybe she just thinks that you would have accepted her after all of these years. Spell it out for her. At least, that'll give her the option to change or not. Then if she doesn't, you'll know for sure where you stand.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #51 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 05:01 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Dude I'm calling you out for your crazy assumptions. No - not everyone has the same fitness values you do and that doesn't make them wrong.

At one point I was 120 pounds heavier than when I met my W. now I'm about 70. (Admittedly I was 19 and basically ripped when we met). But I'm still attractive and healthy - I work out hard twice a week with a trainer, did martial arts a few years ago, etc. Am I a fitness model? H3ll no but I carry myself well. My W is still very attracted to me and vice versa.

I proposed to my W when she was at her all time high in weight - I didn't really notice the weight - just how amazing and beautiful she was. Now in fact she's about 45 less than then - about 30 years ago.

Weight means very little.

You seem actually sad and resentful that she is complacent - and maybe even content - with her weight. Perhaps she is, or perhaps it's an amazingly difficult struggle, the likes of which you can not imagine

I've got a lab of sorts - multiple multiples (my kids) - so I know we've treated the kids exactly the same in all respects. Yet in both cases one twin is naturally thin and can't get fat even if they tried , and the other struggles with weight, constant hunger in spite of being a varsity athlete and strong and fit. Genetics can really suck sometimes




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post #52 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 05:04 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Btw I'm attractive because I'm confident, smart, capable and accept myself. Maybe your W struggles with confidence and self acceptance - in which case she wouldn't be motivated to tackle this huge problem and wouldn't feel attractive enough to have sex with you. Ignoring sex can be a way to suppress the shame and self loathing.

Me - I'd rather loathe someone else than myself


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post #53 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 05:07 PM
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Re: Time for little update

My mom likes the saying ''you can tell a lot about people by who they're married to.''

Cuddlebug, maybe you stay with your wife, because the qualities that matter most in a person, she has. Of course, sexual attraction is important in a relationship, but it's not what keeps marriages together.

''Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time.'' - Unknown
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post #54 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 06:19 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
Of course, sexual attraction is important in a relationship, but it's not what keeps marriages together.
On the other hand, LACK of sexual attraction is very effective at breaking marriages apart.

If either partner wants regular mutually satisfying sex, then sex becomes a necessary but not sufficient condition for their marriage to be happy. No, the marriage is not guaranteed to be happy if regular mutually satisfying sex is present. But the marriage is pretty darn guaranteed to be UNhappy if sex is absent.

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post #55 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 06:22 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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Of course, sexual attraction is important in a relationship, but it's not what keeps marriages together.
Maybe not the only thing holding it together, but it's a HUGE component of the glue and mortar. It's that special "thing" that differentiates your marriage from all other relationships in your life.

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post #56 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 06:29 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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On the other hand, LACK of sexual attraction is very effective at breaking marriages apart.

If either partner wants regular mutually satisfying sex, then sex becomes a necessary but not sufficient condition for their marriage to be happy. No, the marriage is not guaranteed to be happy if regular mutually satisfying sex is present. But the marriage is pretty darn guaranteed to be UNhappy if sex is absent.
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Originally Posted by happy as a clam View Post
Maybe not the only thing holding it together, but it's a HUGE component of the glue and mortar. It's that special "thing" that differentiates your marriage from all other relationships in your life.
I agree, I wouldn't want my marriage someday, to turn sexless, but what I'm saying is, maybe Cuddlebug stays because her other qualities outweigh what he perceives is lacking. Idk, just another idea.

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post #57 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 06:45 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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I married Mrs.CuddleBug because she's a kind, caring, loving, intelligent woman.
It's like you're talking about your sister.

Sure, the above qualities are important, but not enough to marry a woman and make her a wife.

First of all you should've felt sexually attracted to her...words which are not in your post..probably because they weren't in your mind/heart when you married her in the first place.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #58 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 07:51 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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It's like you're talking about your sister.

Sure, the above qualities are important, but not enough to marry a woman and make her a wife.

First of all you should've felt sexually attracted to her...words which are not in your post..probably because they weren't in your mind/heart when you married her in the first place.

@CuddleBug?


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post #59 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 10:14 PM
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Re: Time for little update

It's easier to blame her for not changing to your satisfaction than it is to admit you made a mistake marrying her in the first place.
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post #60 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 08:21 AM
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Re: Time for little update

CuddleBug, there seems to be a constant theme in your posts about your wife all the time. She has let herself go, she is lazy, she doesn't take action to keep herself in shape you want her in. That you dont get sex like you want and the amount of it.

After that you always follow it up how you have transformed your body and look with working out. I believe you mentioned when you and her got together you had coke bottle glasses, weight etc that you have all changed. And kudos to you its great to feel better about oneself. But it seems you were sort of a late bloomer. That after you made changes you found your wife less attractive. You have mentioned countless times that you get looks and compliments from other women at the gym or in passing.

I think your attitude without intent shows in a way to your wife. I can feel it reading your posts i am sure she senses it at home. I am not saying your complaints dont have merit everyone deserves to be happy in a marriage but at this point do you think your ideal of what you want her to me is going to happen?

Seems you both had love for each other but on the physical side you made changes and now you dont see her as an equal or doing it for you. But when people always mention how much they look better than there spouse, that its easy to gain attraction from others with your own apperance, that your spouse is lazy and its not what you are happy with, most likely they are checking out of a marriage. I think she senses that in you and is probably little depressed over it.

I think this wasnt a problem in the beginning (obvious you all got married) but you made changes for the better and now things are a problem. At this point i dont think your wife is going to change. Your deal now is can you love her as she is and will be or will your disappointment just grow more and more?

Last edited by Eagle3; 02-14-2017 at 08:44 AM.
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