Time for little update - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 05:14 PM
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Re: Time for little update

I think what this all boils down to is that you are unhappy and disgusted with your wife for not taking care of herself and letting her weight get out of hand.

Well I have a simple solution for you and it does not involve any input or action from your wife at all....

Leave your wife and go find a woman who weight trains and believes in being fit and active and stop brow beating and shaming your wife.

She is not the problem here, you are! She is not the one that is unhappy and complaining all the time, you are!

You know I often wonder if you married this poor woman so you could play the victim and make yourself feel superior an feed your large ego.

You're a grown man, so stopping whining like a little boy and be a man and either accept your wife for who she is or pack your bags and leave.

It really is that simple, for your sake I hope your wife realizes what she has done to herself and her marriage by letting her health go, but don't be surprised if she loses all the weight and get's hot that she comes to the conclusion that maybe she could do better. Happens all the time..
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post #122 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 05:16 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
I took care of myself from the beginning for my health and Mrs.CuddleBug. No complaints on her end.

She chose to do nothing. When married, you are to take care of yourself and for your other half. Fit hubby or obese hubby......fit wife or obese wife.......


It's sad that the larger ladies here, try to blame that on someone else or their hubbies, that they need more emotional support, talking, etc.....they don't take complete responsibility for their choices in life that got them to the size they are today. Got to blame someone else, talk about it more and in the end, talk is just that, talk.

Mrs.CuddleBug is a grown adult woman. Her choices got to her size today. Simple as that.

She ate what she wished, didn't take care of her body like she wished and now she is what she is today. All her choices.

People need to take complete responsibility of their bodies and quit blaming their issues on others.

When that actually happens, watch the fast and positive changes.
And, yet, I am in a loving, happy marriage... go figure.

Any bad choices I have made in my life, I own them. Why would I blame my husband for my own choices? Why would I blame someone else for anything I chose to do, myself? I mean, I suppose I could blame my parents for making me eat my veggies. I could blame the church for putting on healthy cooking classes so I could learn how to make delicious, nutritious foods. I could blame my gym teachers for making me exercise everyday. I could blame the schools for making me play outside. Or my coach for making me practice after school almost everyday, and for making me play in the games? Nope. All my choices.

It's ok, though. I have no problem owning the choices in my life... including surgical intervention when all other methods failed to help me. And, yes, I did make honest efforts before resorting to surgery.

Say what you wish about my being a larger woman. But, I have a husband who loves me, and has never implied to me that I disgusted him, even when I was disgusted with myself. Funny thing about that. I actually asked him about that, once I had lost about 150 pounds. I asked him how he could have been attracted to me at that weight. His answer? He loved/loves me. His job was to HELP me choose the better options, not force them on me. He was with me, in sickness and in health. He was there when I was hospitalized, before we married, because of a fractured hip. And no, not because of my size, either. It was a car accident... something I had NO control over. And he was with me when I was frustrated at not being able to WALK, confined to a wheelchair most of the time, when the pounds added up, no matter how LITTLE I ate, nor how much physical activity I was capable of doing while still recuperating. But, you go ahead and keep making your assumptions about WHY I got to the size I did. You go ahead and ASSUME I was constantly stuffing my face, sitting on my behind, doing nothing. I know the truth.

Maybe your wife has just given up. Maybe she is simply feeding off the vibes she gets from YOU, that she knows that you are disgusted with her and figures there is no point. I really don't know. But, I can truthfully say, with every post you make, I am pulling for her. I hope she makes the right choices for HERSELF, and not out of fear of losing a man who is disgusted by her.

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post #123 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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Originally Posted by CharlieParker View Post
Sorry for your situation. Would you be ok with her losing 70lbs while still only wanting sex once monthly? What about heavy and HD?
I think this was a good question, if your wife was more interested in sex, would the weight be less of an issue?

What's the point of her being slim if she still isn't interested in sex with you?

Being healthy doesn't mean that your sex drive automatically comes back.



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post #124 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 05:21 PM
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Re: Time for little update

"If you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may feel a sense of entitlement ó and when you don't receive special treatment, you may become impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything ó for instance, the best car, athletic club or medical care.

At the same time, you have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation. To feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make yourself appear superior."
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post #125 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
Everything aside, Mrs.CuddleBug is master of her body. No one else makes her not exercise and eat what she wishes.
Exactly. You cannot make her change. The choice belongs to her. She's made that choice, but you refuse to accept her choice or her.

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post #126 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 05:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

To summarize,


- I cannot get upset about Mrs.CuddleBug not taking care of her body
- I cannot get upset she didn't eat so healthy
- She doesn't have to take complete responsibility for the choices she made getting her to were she is today
- I am supposed to still be supportive and have empathy.
- this is somehow my fault
- I am to be even more emotionally supportive
- again, its not her fault somehow
- I am bad to her, mean and its my fault


This is exactly what's going on here. Not taking responsibility for the choices we made in life and getting upset that we are really the ones to blame.


You are defending a woman that isn't taking care of herself for her health and marriage. That's a basic responsibility and part of being an adult.


All I'm seeing are large ladies here, defending other large ladies for not taking care of themselves and blaming others for everything.


I chose to take care of myself, my health, my marriage and you chose to do nothing and got your results. This is taking responsibility and being an adult.


So being in shape is Narcissistic? Going to a gym, being fit, eating healthy, that's Narcissistic? So everyone that does take care of themselves are Narcissistic?


Another way to blame others that actually did take care of themselves........just another excuse.

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Last edited by CuddleBug; 02-19-2017 at 05:59 PM.
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post #127 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 05:57 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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Mrs.CuddleBug said to me today, we don't do that much together and communicate, etc. I told her, you have a very low sex drive and need to lose 80+ lbs. I don't see you doing anything and that would go a very long way. No response from Mrs.CuddleBug.
What a horrible, contemptuous and condescending attitude to take with your wife! Do you hear yourself talking? She probably thinks you HATE her and why would she want to do anything you want?

Maybe try saying something like "you're right honey, we should spend more time together. Want to take an evening walk and talk with me?"

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
I'd say we have a great marriage, just not a physical sexual marriage.
I doubt your wife thinks it's a great marriage, if you treat her the way you described above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
Its sad that LD spouses never have to change, we shouldn't of married them, its all our fault, etc.

How about this? LD spouses know they are LD and why don't they do some changing? Why is it one sided?
That's just the way LD is. It's intrinsic and they can't change it any more than you can change HD. The solution is part ways, not to expect her to magically change with weight loss.


Quote:
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Mrs.CuddleBug is a kind, loving, smart, caring woman. Great qualities in a wife. True.
That explains why she puts up with your attitude.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
If Mrs.CuddleBug got off her butt, got in shape, made up for the last 17 years of 1x month sex, yah, I'd be the happiest guy out there. No question about that.
I doubt that very much. You simply sound like a mean guy, and that doesn't change without hard work on your part.

If your wife suddenly got in shape, she's not going to want to have more sex with you. She'll still be an LD person, and you'd still be a jerk.

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Any woman that only wants sex 1x month, is not for me.
So why stay married to one?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
A loving and sexual wife should be taking care of her mans needs and rocking his world, out of love and take care of his needs as her own and being his wife. This goes the other way as well, us guys taking care of our ladies needs.

If the guy is always physically and sexually starved, the wife isn't being very loving and taking care of him. Only herself.
That is a very selfish attitude! Sex isn't something the wife does for the man, like a chore. Sex is a mutual pleasure, to be had at a mutually agreed upon frequency. If you don't find your partner's frequency to your satisfaction, you don't marry that person, you keep dating until you find a more compatible one!

You have an antiquated idea of marriage, if you think the woman is supposed to be a sex toy for the husband no matter what her feelings are, and you're sharing your upset on TAM because she's not holding up her end of this imagined bargain you have.

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Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
I think your demanding, demeaning attitude towards your wife is hurting your wife. No wonder she doesn't have any motivation to do better in the marriage and spends so much time on the phone with her family. She obviously isn't getting emotional support from you. Instead she is a fat, unattractive, lazy, foolish, disappointment to you. You're never going to see a change in the direction you want it. As long as you hang onto your view that you are right and must be obeyed in the things you have outlined, your marriage will continue to go down hill as the distance between you grows.

I feel bad for your wife. Does she ever tell you that you're mean?
She's probably too nice to say something like that, but I have no doubt that she feels it.
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post #128 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:00 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
To summarize,


- I cannot get upset about Mrs.CuddleBug not taking care of her body
- I cannot get upset she didn't eat so healthy
- She doesn't have to take complete responsibility for the choices she made getting her to were she is today
- I am supposed to still be supportive and have empathy.
- this is somehow my fault
- I am to be even more emotionally supportive
- again, its not her fault somehow
- I am bad to her, mean and its my fault


This is exactly what's going on here. Not taking responsibility for the choices we made in life and getting upset that we are really the ones to blame.


You are defending a woman that isn't taking care of herself for her health and marriage. That's a basic responsibility and part of being an adult.
No. This is what you are interpreting.

What is really being said is:
- Don't assume she can do all you can do. She is not you.
- The state of your marriage is as much her responsibility as yours.
- Make a decision... stay or go. You have been at this for FIVE YEARS, complaining about her weight, trying to trick her into doing what you want. Just stop it.
- We are all speculating on her frame of mind, based on how YOU post. Just tell her that you are not happy, and why. You will have your answer, based on how she responds.
- I think you are actually afraid that she will decide to walk away, rather than conform to what you WANT her to be, and that is why you prefer sitting at your computer (or on your phone), complaining. And that is why you don't actually DO anything, where she is concerned, on this front... fear.

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post #129 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:09 PM
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Re: Time for little update

CuddleBug, at the risk of getting stoned by the collective (or ostracized) I should point out that you may be running into the usual TAM groupthink. It's your fault no matter what...

I'm 20 lb overweight. Used to be 35-40, dropped 15-20 by cycling. To get those 20 lb off at 57 is not easy. Food is a good thing. I'm not blaming anyone else.

I could starve and do it but it's not worth it. My health is good by what Dr. Quack says.

I wish I could dump all the worries of the world and exercise 2 or 3 hours a day like the Mrs. But that's how it is. Some people see the light, some don't.
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post #130 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:10 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Quote:
Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
To summarize,


- I cannot get upset about Mrs.CuddleBug not taking care of her body
- I cannot get upset she didn't eat so healthy
- She doesn't have to take complete responsibility for the choices she made getting her to were she is today
- I am supposed to still be supportive and have empathy.
- this is somehow my fault
- I am to be even more emotionally supportive
- again, its not her fault somehow
- I am bad to her, mean and its my fault


This is exactly what's going on here. Not taking responsibility for the choices we made in life and getting upset that we are really the ones to blame.


You are defending a woman that isn't taking care of herself for her health and marriage. That's a basic responsibility and part of being an adult.


All I'm seeing are large ladies here, defending other large ladies for not taking care of themselves and blaming others for everything.


I chose to take care of myself, my health, my marriage and you chose to do nothing and got your results. This is taking responsibility and being an adult.


So being in shape is Narcissistic? Going to a gym, being fit, eating healthy, that's Narcissistic? So everyone that does take care of themselves are Narcissistic?


Another way to blame others that actually did take care of themselves........just another excuse.
Taking care of yourself is not narcissistic. Belittling and even vilifying others because you don't like what they say is a verified trait of this type of personality disorder.
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post #131 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:23 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post


All I'm seeing are large ladies here, defending other large ladies for not taking care of themselves and blaming others for everything.

Lol i dont see scores of large ladies here as you state. I certainly dont have a perfect body, far from it, but i work out regularly and try hard to eat clean.

I'm defending not only large ladies, but large people in general. It's one of the most accepted prejudices we have. My father was a large man. After he passed, my mom found a journal dad kept of all the nasty comments he'd receive from the guys at work.

To wit:

"They said they were bringing out the big guns, but i didnt know they literally meant the BIG guns."

This journal was page after page, years of insults. Mom and i cried for hours after she discovered the journal. We had no idea. As a child, i had to deal with people sneering and laughing at him while we were in an elevator.

My boss is a large man, too.

So ill admit im pretty protective of those who show disdain for large people. I hate people classifying them as lazy or " sitting around and stuffing their faces all day." Its truly hateful and offensive.

im defending your wife against your palpable disgust for her body. If i felt that hate emanting from literal strangers toward my boss and dad and from you, a stranger on the internet, i KNOW your wife feels the burn from you tenfold. Someone shes supposed to trust loves her unconditionally. Sadly, you dont.
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post #132 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

Quit defending LD spouses......marriage is 50 / 50, not 99 / 01.


Too many posts here about how LD's never change for anyone and that's very selfish and in it for themselves.


If HD spouses can change and adapt, LD spouses can do the same.


Sex is not a chore. Sex is what a loving hubby and wife do for that intimate connection. To see sex as a chore, you have issues that need addressing. Professional help.


If someone doesn't take care of themselves, guess what, they are at fault and no one else. Period.


From the very beginning we got married, the sex was minimal 1x month and I was still very supportive. But many years of that takes its toll and if marriage isn't 50 / 50, that's not right and I dialed it back accordingly. Marriage is 50 / 50, not 99 / 01 with excuses.


Mrs.CuddleBug has taken no responsibility and I still am not even allowed to get angry. That's bad and its my fault somehow.


I took care of myself and I'm Narcissistic. She let herself go, obese and its okay.


I am to love her unconditionally but she doesn't have to take care or herself and have a healthy sex drive.


I had issues dialing back my sex drive but its the LD way or the highway, that's not 50 / 50.


When LD's don't change that's okay. But HD's are expected to do all the changing. That's not taking care of the other halves needs as your own. That's a LD only taking care of themselves.


A loving and sexual wife should be taking care of her mans needs and rocking his world, out of love and take care of his needs as her own and being his wife. This goes the other way as well, us guys taking care of our ladies needs in the same manner.


If the guy is always physically and sexually starved, the wife isn't being very loving and taking care of him. Only herself. When married, you are not your own anymore.


When I married Mrs.CuddleBug, I cut the cords with my parents. She is now my life. My parents and sister, etc. are secondary in all things.


I am very empathetic to those who make a real effort. Of course. But those who do not, what do you really expect? Have your cake and eat it too?

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.

Last edited by CuddleBug; 02-19-2017 at 06:42 PM.
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post #133 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

Not one post here on:


- how someone who was obese lost weight?

- what did they do?

- details?



Not one post here on:


- I am LD but l learned to do the following to better meet my HD spouses needs

- what did my HD spouse do, so I was more receptive?

- Details?



That's what I'm talking about. Not LD and out of shape spouses that aren't willing to change and take responsibility for their choices in life.

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post #134 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:42 PM
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Re: Time for little update

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post


A loving and sexual wife should be taking care of her mans needs and rocking his world, out of love and take care of his needs as her own and being his wife. This goes the other way as well, us guys taking care of our ladies needs in the same manner.

But what if her needs are not the same as yours? What if your wife's need is unconditional acceptance from you, not you rocking her world sexually?

Listen, I am not trying to be obtuse. I get what you are saying. Sex and attraction is very important in a relationship.

But man, you have GOT to assuage your anger in some other way.


You sound selfish. Just because they are your needs doesn't mean theyre her needs. You need to get off that train. Everyone is different.
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post #135 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

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But what if her needs are not the same as yours? What if your wife's need is unconditional acceptance from you, not you rocking her world sexually?

Listen, I am not trying to be obtuse. I get what you are saying. Sex and attraction is very important in a relationship.

But man, you have GOT to assuage your anger in some other way.


You sound selfish. Just because they are your needs doesn't mean theyre her needs. You need to get off that train. Everyone is different.


A selfish spouse is one who withholds sex and makes excuses not to have sex, starving their hubby or wife. That's not what a loving marriage is about.


I'm selfish? I'm not the one that's never in the mood, no intimacy, no sex. I would love to go down on Mrs.CuddleBug every day, but that will never happen.


I took care of myself for my health and her........I'm selfish?


No, that's backwards.

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