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Time for little update

29K views 269 replies 50 participants last post by  CuddleBug 
#1 ·
I figured it was time for an update, so here goes.


The weight Mrs.CuddleBug lost when going to the gym, all has been gained back because she stopped going to the gym and now she is even bigger.

Her sex drive is 1x month / 5 weeks.

I've stopped initiating altogether because I gave up on all the LD excuses.

To be honest, I don't want to see her naked because of needing to lose 80+ lbs.

We get along fine as friends and roommates but are still married.

It's just a physical and sexless marriage.

I bought a sex toy so when I'm in the mood I get it out of my system and indefinitely can go without sex with Mrs.CuddleBug now.

She's a kind, loving, hard working woman and wife but only emotionally and not physically.

She knows her weight is a serious issue but does nothing about it. Chips, dip, on the phone with her parents and sister everyday about their problems, on her laptop, watches tv, etc. after she gets home from work.

We do a lot of things separately now, watching tv, doing our own thing, eating, etc.

I am not seeing anyone. No EA or PA.

I continue to eat healthy, don't miss meals and I do maintenance exercises and still get ladies in their 20's and 30's flirting with me, which makes me feel like I'm not all dead yet.

Mrs.CuddleBug talks to me with baby talk still and seems to think everything is fine.

I guess its easier not to exercise, get in shape and have sex with your spouse........oh well right?
 
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#2 ·
I'm sorry, I can imagine that's tough to live with.

Husband and I are both runners in very good shape, and I know it would bother me if he put on 80 pounds.

Particularly because I work hard, so why should he enjoy the benefits of a fit wife if he's not going to make any effort?

I wanted to throw that out there so you don't think I'm projecting and making excuses for her.

Try not to take it personally. Weight loss and upkeep is very hard and data suggests that most people ultimately fail. We live in a toxic food environment in the modern era and we really do have to fight against our base nature, which is to eat junk and be lazy, to maintain a healthy weight and fitness.

I can't tell you how many runs I've done in the dark simply because there's no other time to do it.
My coworkers go to lunch all the time and I'm always passing because I don't want to eat restaurant food.

I sit next to the break room at work and people are always bringing in junk. I have to force myself to ignore it.

It's really hard and not everyone is capable of this level of discipline.

I have no advice except to let it go and either live with her or move on. She knows it's an issue and any motivation to change it must come from her, and perceived or actual disapproval from you only makes it worse.

Keep your own health in order.
 
#6 ·
I'm sorry. You know your choices - I'm sure you have thought about them all.

I wish I could give more than my sympathy, but I've got nothing else.

If you leave and find someone else, you will be happy - I'm quite sure of it. I know that there is more than happiness involved in the decision.
 
#7 ·
Some spouses can live comfortably and happily as roommates. Some simply cannot accept a roommate situation.

I can't tell from the update which of the above you are @CuddleBug, but whatever your choice is, make sure you choose wisely. Life is to short to live with someone you grow to resent. She could be great in many other ways, but if she's not great in the ways that matter to you, then by staying you're choosing to ignore your own needs. If her needs are being met (and based on your post history I see you as a rather generous and caring partner) then the relationship is fundamentally imbalanced.
 
#8 · (Edited)
For me, having a woman that takes care of herself, so she looks good, dresses sexy, and when we have sex, its really good, that's all I need in a wife.

If she needs to lose a lot of weight, doesn't take care of herself, and the sex is bad, that's not what I want in a wife.

I changed to better myself on many levels. I didn't say, accept me as is because I'm too lazy and unmotivated and selfish to change.

I can only get 1/3 of myself in her due to her size. No joke. So the only positions we can do are doggy at this point with oral. That's it.

Yes, Mrs.CuddleBug is amazing in many ways, just not sexually and physically. I am a HD adventurous man and I have man needs. Not rocket science.

We have never been in the bathroom and shower together in our entire marriage and she still locks the doors to this day.

Mrs.CuddleBug has got so big, her butt and legs dwarf mine and I'm 6ft 2 at 230+ lbs.

Ideally, I would find her a man that is obese and LD. They would both have that in common.

Ideally, I would find myself a woman that is in great shape like myself and is HD.

I guess what it all comes down to is sexual mismatch and the size just adds to the situation.
 
#46 ·
I can only get 1/3 of myself in her due to her size. No joke. So the only positions we can do are doggy at this point with oral. That's it.
@CuddleBug My wife and I both have had our own experiences with being overweight, and regardless of size most couples deal with these same issues while maintaining intimacy during pregnancy.

Bottom line is that you are not limited to just doggy and oral, but she may be the one that is making other positions impossible. Missionary with her legs lifted high or with her on top in a similar orientation to you should allow for full penetration.

If your wife is diabetic or has a tendency towards high blood sugar, be very aware that this can make sex painful for her (yeast + sugar = ouch).

I would go to a pharmacy and buy an OTC blood sugar monitoring kit. Some of these devices are cheap these days and the test strips no longer require a prescription.

So if you can abstain from sex indefinitely right now, I would become very aggressive about helping your wife keep her blood sugar in check. In doing so try to create a change in lifestyle that can be maintained with gradual weight loss as it is all about what you eat. Exercise is great, but diet it way more important.

If her blood sugar is high and she refuses to do anything about it, and she refuses to take medical advice from a doctor as well, then I'm sorry for you.

Badsanta
 
#9 ·
Can I assume that the lower sex drive came before the weight?

Do you think the weight is an attempt to keep you from looking for sex?

Or did the diminished drive follow the weight gain?

And be careful when you say that a woman who wants sex and takes care of herself is all you need. That's easy to say because your wife is great in many other ways.....if you get a fit woman who wants sex but is difficult in many other ways that sex is going to get old very fast.

Show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I'll show you a guy who's tired of putting up with her.

Many a guy has made his decision based on sex and ended up miserable.
 
#10 ·
You are not attracted to her and can go indefinitely without having sex with her. So, why indulge her once monthly horniness? That seems to send her the message that you are ok with what is going on. You're not. You don't have to be mean about it; but, you don't have to validate her choices, either.
 
#15 ·
Tell her how you are feeling, and ask her, do not criticize or say you do this or that, because etc. Repeat back and discuss the I feelings, and state what you need, ask questions to clarify, then discuss how you can meet each others needs. Connect on an emotional level you both will be happier. Don't expect overnight results because you have to build trust and intimacy again. Just like going on your first date and begining all over again. Go date again-how fun is that....!:) Sounds exciting.

Go exercise together. She lost weight she can do it again. You can be her role model. Cut out the white starches and have controlled portioned meals and eat together. Do not have anything the house that is tempting, just basic good food three times a day. Go without the bed time snacks. I know. I have to keep my sugar under control. Get back to relating to her and the pounds should come off. She wants to beautiful in your eyes. Cut the contempt. Listen together to the CD audiobook by John Gottman, "Ten lessons to transform your marriage." Also, "Have the Sex you Want: A couples guide to getting back the spark." By Marshall if you can get the audio book it is faster than reading. "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands," by Dr. Laura-it applies to men how to treat women. Then the last book for you only is by Gottman called "Men's guide to women."

See a marital therapist, a dietitian, your insurance should cover it. Please try the above, read or listen in that order. If you realy want to get the loving feeling back this should help. You will be amazed to the possibilities that may occur. It was too late for me, but by your posts you are discouraged and not to that point.
 
#16 ·
Mrs.CuddleBug probably knows how I'm feeling about this. She just doesn't want to deal with it.

Mrs.CuddleBug is a grown adult woman and not a child. She shouldn't need me going with her to exercise and hold her hand. If she does at age 38, she is a baby and needs to grow up I would think.

I have said lets go for a walk and she'd rather chill on the couch and watch tv or read a book, talk on the phone and on her laptop, etc.

I honestly think she is clueless but doesn't want to change either.

She knows day one we got married, having sex 1x month was a serious issue. I used to initiate all the time and got every excuse you can find here on TAM not to have sex. So over the years, I had enough and gave up.

I think her low sex drive was always there because she was a bigger girl even from her high school years. So that insecurity has been life long with her. She could of done the gym since that point and wouldn't be the size she is today.

I think her continued weight gain is just being comfy and set in her ways.

She always had a low sex drive from day one we got married to present day. You can only initiate and get turned down so many times before you throw in the towel.

We only have 10 months left on our mortgage, so I don't know what will happen at that point.
 
#19 ·
I think her continued weight gain is just being comfy and set in her ways.

She always had a low sex drive from day one we got married to present day.
So, you want her to entirely change what she has always been, become something she has never been, do it all off her own initiative, without help/assistance/support from you, despite the fact she has no interest/desire to do it, because it's what you want?

Sorry, I don't think you need TAM. You need a miracle.
 
#18 · (Edited)
Agree. And why stay married to her now?

The mortgage is irrelevant. Nothing will change in 10 mos regarding splitting up the assets and the debts. And 10 mos of mortgage debt is rather negligible in divorce proceedings.

I honestly think it's time to move on from this lazy couch-surfer. Imagine waking up instead with a fit, healthy, active woman, having a romp in the sack, and then heading out for a bike ride or hike, a romantic lunch, exploring your town and the bigger world.

Instead, you're stuck watching her lounge on the couch, stuff herself with snacks, and chat all day with her mother.

Time for some tough decisions.
 
#21 ·
I married Mrs.CuddleBug because she's a kind, caring, loving, intelligent woman.

I went into our marriage open to change, adapting and always improving.

I do this for myself, our marriage and Mrs.CuddleBug.

I never went into our marriage with the mindset, take me as I am, I won't change for you.

I weight trained.

I got laser eye surgery.

I've upgraded almost everything now in our place.

Mrs.CuddleBug in comparison has done nothing.

I'm not wanting her to get new friends, change her interests and hobbies, change her personality, etc. I want her to take care of her body instead of letting herself go......and the LD thing should of been addressed and solved long ago, instead of 17 years of it.

I am open to any sexual positions, oils, toys, you name it and I'll want to do it. Mrs.CuddleBug is oral and doggy. I love to do a little grab and grope, talk dirty and be flirty, she does not.

I love to always try something new and spice it up. She does nothing.

I don''t know if she doesn't understand how to do these things?! Internet people.......really?

I love food as well but I also weight train.

See, its not money. Mrs.CuddleBug and I are well off. It's not transportation. We both have our own cars.

What I don't understand is if she knows she is very over weight, why not do something about it???
 
#25 ·
Mrs.CuddleBug in comparison has done nothing.

I'm not wanting her to get new friends, change her interests and hobbies, change her personality, etc.
Sorry, but I suspect that from her perspective that's EXACTLY what appear to want!

I want her to take care of her body instead of letting herself go......and the LD thing should of been addressed and solved long ago, instead of 17 years of it.

I am open to any sexual positions, oils, toys, you name it and I'll want to do it. Mrs.CuddleBug is oral and doggy. I love to do a little grab and grope, talk dirty and be flirty, she does not.

I love to always try something new and spice it up. She does nothing.

I don''t know if she doesn't understand how to do these things?! Internet people.......really?
No, it's rather that she DOES NOT LIKE THESE THINGS. Imagine a food you detest. You might force yourself to eat it, but you will never enjoy it. Some people will choke it down because someone tells them it's the "right thing to do". Others will tell you to to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

.

What I don't understand is if she knows she is very over weight, why not do something about it???
The cost/benefit doesn't stack up for her. She isn't sufficiently interested in the results to want to take on the discomfort and effort.
 
#24 ·
My fiance and I talk about this, we are both fit and into running, CF, he is into weight lifting, etc...and it would bother us if we both stopped taking care of ourselves, and just let ourselves go. I think that when you are very much into that lifestyle, it is hard to be around someone who is the polar opposite, which sounds like the case between your wife and you. I'm sure your wife's weight bothers her, there is no way gaining 80 lbs doesn't affect her everyday life, but it will take her consistent work to get the weight off, and to keep it off, and that is probably hard for her to commit to. If she is LD, then this might just add to it, unfortunately.

I agree with those that say life is short, and you are only human. Women flirting with you, while your wife ignores you in ''that way,'' will only last for so long before you grow tired of accepting things as they are. I hope that your wife chooses to lose the weight for her, and become healthier...and that you both can make things work. That she realizes you are worth it, but if not...I hope you don't go through an entire lifetime ...feeling down and growing resentful of your wife. Something will have to give, eventually, I'm thinking. :eek:

Praying for you both.
 
#26 ·
If Mrs.CuddleBug doesn't like or want sex and isn't motivated to take care of herself, she won't truly have me.

In my books, the pollen gets the bee. No pollen, No bee.

Either you take care of yourself for your health and spouse or you don't.

Either you take care of each others needs as your own, 50 / 50, or you don't.
 
#31 ·
Your wife has not changed in the 17 years you've been married to her. You married her expecting her to change the things you didn't like. Usually people don't grow as they age. They get more set in their ways.

Your expectations of your wife are unrealistic. You have been complaining about her for years.

My prediction is that you will eventually divorce your wife. She will remain permanently single. She'll grow old and die alone.

You will find someone. Fall in love. Marry her. Expect her to change. Be frustrated that she isn't changing how you want her to.
 
#32 · (Edited)
So you're saying its too much and unrealistic for someone to take care of themselves, their spouse and marriage? WOW.


Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get in shape? NO.

Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get a healthy sex drive? NO.


Your predictions are probably right. Scary but true.


I take care of my body. So can she.

I have a healthy sex drive and am open to almost anything you can imagine. Anything she wants to try, I'm game.


I can change and adapt, better myself, open to new things. So can she.


I have changed so much over the 17 years but she has remained almost the same. Only thing she did was get braces to straighten her teeth and I had to push her to do it. Now that the braces are off and her teeth are amazing, no longer insecure to smile, she wished she would of done this way back instead of nothing.


It's almost like Mrs.CuddleBug has a mental disorder or something and can't adapt, learn and change to better herself. She has to be pushed and her hand held or nothing happens.

She still talks with her parents and sister almost every day after work for 1 to 2 hours and they live 10 minutes away.
 
#35 ·
I'm going to quote my marriage counselor: What's your bottom line?

If the lack of sex and her weight are deal breakers...do both of you a favor and leave. Sit her down and tell her those things are deal breakers and non-negotiable. You cannot change other people.

I had a back injury a couple years ago and stopped powerlifting. I gained a bit of weight. My husband never let me forget how amazing my body looked when I lifted. You know what it did? Made me (1) feel pressured and to get that body back. I felt like I would never get there again and so I became depressed and didn't even try. (2) like I wasn't appreciated for who I was as a person and like my body was all he cared about.

We ended up separating, partly due to the fact I pushed hard against him. Once he was out the picture I reconnected with myself and I'm lifting again and my body looks great.

It is awesome that you have improved your life and health. You did that for yourself, not for her. You changed the terms of the marriage because now you expect her to change too. It would be the same if you were both addicts and you decided y be clean...well, she married someone comfortable with a low sex drive and her weight.

It's your right to leave. It's not your right to brow beat her the way you are doing every. Single. Day.
 
#36 ·
My expectations are not unrealistic about Mrs.CuddleBug. Its a basic human responsibility, take care of yourself. Being obese shows me someone is lazy and doesn't care. This effects her health and our marriage.

I take care of myself for my health and our marriage. But she doesn't have to do the same I guess and its okay? No its not.

She is comfy and from what I can tell, doesn't care. That isn't wife material. I care and take responsibility for myself.

So its okay for her to have a low sex drive, know its making me miserable and its okay? Great. So much for taking care of each others needs as your own. That's not happening, not even a compromise. But that's okay.

Quit taking the LD spouses side. You know fully well the LD is the one that never changes. The HD spouse jumps through hoops and reads and tries everything. What has the LD spouse done in return? Nothing. But its okay.

Changing, adapting and growing is part of life. If you don't, life gets tough for you fast and you can be left behind. That goes for everything else, job, education, taking care of yourself, investing, etc.

You couldn't be more wrong about the braces. Mrs.CuddleBug always wanted to get braces, but she is a talker and not a doer, remember? Talk is cheap and accomplishes nothing in the end. I told her, use our line of credit and get your teeth done. She did a year later and doesn't regret it. She wouldn't smile much you see. How is that all for me? It's not.

I cut the cords to my parents when I married her. I grew up.

How about I let myself go, need to lose 80+ lbs, unshaven, I don't want sex with her at all, and you can accept me for that because its who I am? That's a complete joke.
 
#40 ·
CB,
It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. She isn't going to change. So either accept her, and in accepting her accept the resulting impact on your marriage - or divorce.

You have tried hard (without success) to encourage certain behaviors. She is not going to change. Is not going to change. Not going to change.

Is she selfish for not caring that this is causing you distress? Maybe. That doesn't change the situation at all.
 
#37 ·
It would only be a joke if you pulled a bait and switch, which your wife did not.

This is who she's always been and you married her anyway.

I disagree that it's a responsibility to take care of oneself.....it's a responsibility to live an authentic life and be honest with those you come into contact with so they can make their own decisions.

Those who bait and switch are dishonest.... in a way that's what you did because you married her as she was with the covert contact that she needed to change herself. If you didn't make that clear to her before marriage then you were dishonest.

I get that you're frustrated, because you are otherwise happy with your life with her. You feel like if she'd just change her level of fitness you'd be happy and you resent that you may have to start over because fitness isn't important to her.

To one who is fit it seems like such a small thing to ask, but to one who has no interest it's a lot different.

But you don't get to decide what others must do. If you decided to get a PhD is your wife then obligated to get one too?

Your position is that you try x, y, and z so your wife should too. That isn't how people work. What if your wife took up a hobby you hated and then got upset because you didn't want to do it too?

None of us are entitled to anything. What we are entitled to is honesty so that we may make our decisions accordingly.

You got that, you just didn't listen and now you're upset about it.

If the package you've got is not one you can live with then you've got some tough decisions ahead, unfortunately.
 
#38 ·
It's not necessarily the weight or the sex. Today I had brunch with She Who Is Available And To My Liking and one more pair of people in honor of her birthday. She's way overweight but has a phenomenal personality. She knows how to enjoy life. She has a Maine ****. And a PhD.

To me, the "enjoy life" part is the deal breaker. The rest - at my age - is up for grabs.

In other words...

If you make the decision to stay in a physically challenged relationship, the rest of the pieces ought to be perfect. That's where the problem is.
 
#39 ·
Look CB, you and Mrs. CB are not compatible as spouses, plain and simple. Maybe as roommates but not as spouses.

Bottom line: she doesn't want to change and you can't make her want to. She's happy eating junk food and chatting with her family 1-2 hours per day. You like to work out, she does not. You want an adventurous sex life, she does not. You're no more "right" than she is; you're just different.

For your own happiness you should both accept this incompatibility and agree to move on. You'll both be well situated financially after a divorce and you can move on to happier pursuits.
 
#48 ·
You sound miserable and depressed.

The hardest part is accepting it's never going to get better and take action. Go see an attorney first. You need to see what a divorce will look like financially and make sure you don't make any mistakes. Accept it, you're going to lose 50% of all your crap. Yes, it's crap. You will make more money and be able to buy more crap. I'm 13 months since separation and 8 months since divorce. I'm still paying off debt and working on buying another house. But I also just got engaged, so that set me back a little. Worth every cent. I am young at 35, so I have time on my side. The joke "Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's fcking worth it!!" is soo so soooo true!

I'll say, the first couple weeks is hard living on your own. Not able to sleep and being scared to start over. But once you connect with another woman and see what you've been missing, it's all worth it. It took me 4 weeks to find my fiance, so I got lucky I suppose. But I detached years ago from my ex wife, so I was ready to move on quickly. No sex for 4yrs will do that!

Man up and leave her. It's the right thing to do for you and her. She checked out of your marriage a long time ago.

However, from your posts, I don't think you'll do it. You are too much of a nice guy and worried about hurting her feelings and disappointing friends and family. You need to realize only you can make yourself happy. Only she can make herself happy. This is your one and only life, so live it up. Don't waste it like so many wimps do.

Finally, you need to realize she DOESN'T want to have sex. This is why she gained the weight. It's her defense shield to keep you from desiring her. Think about that. That is grounds for a divorce. Give it to her.
 
#49 ·
IIRC, in past threads you indicated you weren't successful with females before you married her (and presumably felt she was the best you could do then). Now you feel differently and maybe wish she were like that 16 year old girl you were admiring at one of your jobs a year or two ago. Or maybe you'd settle for having her just lose the weight and not try to look 16 (since that's not possible anyway) but the point is she doesn't want to. So you need to accept her the way she is or you need to divorce her and find someone else.
 
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