Time for little update - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 04:53 PM Thread Starter
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Time for little update

I figured it was time for an update, so here goes.


The weight Mrs.CuddleBug lost when going to the gym, all has been gained back because she stopped going to the gym and now she is even bigger.

Her sex drive is 1x month / 5 weeks.

I've stopped initiating altogether because I gave up on all the LD excuses.

To be honest, I don't want to see her naked because of needing to lose 80+ lbs.

We get along fine as friends and roommates but are still married.

It's just a physical and sexless marriage.

I bought a sex toy so when I'm in the mood I get it out of my system and indefinitely can go without sex with Mrs.CuddleBug now.

She's a kind, loving, hard working woman and wife but only emotionally and not physically.

She knows her weight is a serious issue but does nothing about it. Chips, dip, on the phone with her parents and sister everyday about their problems, on her laptop, watches tv, etc. after she gets home from work.

We do a lot of things separately now, watching tv, doing our own thing, eating, etc.

I am not seeing anyone. No EA or PA.

I continue to eat healthy, don't miss meals and I do maintenance exercises and still get ladies in their 20's and 30's flirting with me, which makes me feel like I'm not all dead yet.

Mrs.CuddleBug talks to me with baby talk still and seems to think everything is fine.

I guess its easier not to exercise, get in shape and have sex with your spouse........oh well right?

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post #2 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 05:06 PM
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Re: Time for little update

I'm sorry, I can imagine that's tough to live with.

Husband and I are both runners in very good shape, and I know it would bother me if he put on 80 pounds.

Particularly because I work hard, so why should he enjoy the benefits of a fit wife if he's not going to make any effort?

I wanted to throw that out there so you don't think I'm projecting and making excuses for her.

Try not to take it personally. Weight loss and upkeep is very hard and data suggests that most people ultimately fail. We live in a toxic food environment in the modern era and we really do have to fight against our base nature, which is to eat junk and be lazy, to maintain a healthy weight and fitness.

I can't tell you how many runs I've done in the dark simply because there's no other time to do it.
My coworkers go to lunch all the time and I'm always passing because I don't want to eat restaurant food.

I sit next to the break room at work and people are always bringing in junk. I have to force myself to ignore it.

It's really hard and not everyone is capable of this level of discipline.

I have no advice except to let it go and either live with her or move on. She knows it's an issue and any motivation to change it must come from her, and perceived or actual disapproval from you only makes it worse.

Keep your own health in order.
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post #3 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 05:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I'm sorry, I can imagine that's tough to live with.

Husband and I are both runners in very good shape, and I know it would bother me if he put on 80 pounds.

Particularly because I work hard, so why should he enjoy the benefits of a fit wife if he's not going to make any effort?

I wanted to throw that out there so you don't think I'm projecting and making excuses for her.

Try not to take it personally. Weight loss and upkeep is very hard and data suggests that most people ultimately fail. We live in a toxic food environment in the modern era and we really do have to fight against our base nature, which is to eat junk and be lazy, to maintain a healthy weight and fitness.

I can't tell you how many runs I've done in the dark simply because there's no other time to do it.
My coworkers go to lunch all the time and I'm always passing because I don't want to eat restaurant food.

I sit next to the break room at work and people are always bringing in junk. I have to force myself to ignore it.

It's really hard and not everyone is capable of this level of discipline.

I have no advice except to let it go and either live with her or move on. She knows it's an issue and any motivation to change it must come from her, and perceived or actual disapproval from you only makes it worse.

Keep your own health in order.

Words of wisdom. Thank you

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.
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post #4 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 07:13 PM
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Re: Time for little update

You got one life. If you're unhappy with her, then fix it. No such thing as soulmates. You two are just different now. No shame in splitting up your stuff and going separate ways. She deserves someone also who wants her the way she is. I'm sure there is some big guy out there that would love her. Maybe?
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post #5 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 11:03 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Weight in itself is not the issue. It might have been at age 20 or 30... weight added on to discourage sexual interest may be the real reason.
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post #6 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 11:49 PM
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Re: Time for little update

I'm sorry. You know your choices - I'm sure you have thought about them all.

I wish I could give more than my sympathy, but I've got nothing else.

If you leave and find someone else, you will be happy - I'm quite sure of it. I know that there is more than happiness involved in the decision.
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post #7 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 11:57 PM
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Re: Time for little update

Some spouses can live comfortably and happily as roommates. Some simply cannot accept a roommate situation.

I can't tell from the update which of the above you are @CuddleBug, but whatever your choice is, make sure you choose wisely. Life is to short to live with someone you grow to resent. She could be great in many other ways, but if she's not great in the ways that matter to you, then by staying you're choosing to ignore your own needs. If her needs are being met (and based on your post history I see you as a rather generous and caring partner) then the relationship is fundamentally imbalanced.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #8 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 12:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Time for little update

For me, having a woman that takes care of herself, so she looks good, dresses sexy, and when we have sex, its really good, that's all I need in a wife.

If she needs to lose a lot of weight, doesn't take care of herself, and the sex is bad, that's not what I want in a wife.

I changed to better myself on many levels. I didn't say, accept me as is because I'm too lazy and unmotivated and selfish to change.

I can only get 1/3 of myself in her due to her size. No joke. So the only positions we can do are doggy at this point with oral. That's it.

Yes, Mrs.CuddleBug is amazing in many ways, just not sexually and physically. I am a HD adventurous man and I have man needs. Not rocket science.

We have never been in the bathroom and shower together in our entire marriage and she still locks the doors to this day.

Mrs.CuddleBug has got so big, her butt and legs dwarf mine and I'm 6ft 2 at 230+ lbs.

Ideally, I would find her a man that is obese and LD. They would both have that in common.

Ideally, I would find myself a woman that is in great shape like myself and is HD.

I guess what it all comes down to is sexual mismatch and the size just adds to the situation.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.

Last edited by CuddleBug; 02-12-2017 at 12:46 AM.
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post #9 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 07:07 AM
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Re: Time for little update

Can I assume that the lower sex drive came before the weight?

Do you think the weight is an attempt to keep you from looking for sex?

Or did the diminished drive follow the weight gain?

And be careful when you say that a woman who wants sex and takes care of herself is all you need. That's easy to say because your wife is great in many other ways.....if you get a fit woman who wants sex but is difficult in many other ways that sex is going to get old very fast.

Show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I'll show you a guy who's tired of putting up with her.

Many a guy has made his decision based on sex and ended up miserable.
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post #10 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 07:49 AM
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Re: Time for little update

You are not attracted to her and can go indefinitely without having sex with her. So, why indulge her once monthly horniness? That seems to send her the message that you are ok with what is going on. You're not. You don't have to be mean about it; but, you don't have to validate her choices, either.
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post #11 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 07:51 AM
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So, do you have plans of divorce?
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post #12 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:00 AM
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Re: Time for little update

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You are not attracted to her and can go indefinitely without having sex with her. So, why indulge her once monthly horniness? That seems to send her the message that you are ok with what is going on. You're not. You don't have to be mean about it; but, you don't have to validate her choices, either.
It doesn't quite work this way. Not unless you go all out marital warfare on her.

If you play along once a month she thinks everything is fine. If you don't, but keep behaving as if nothing is the issue (or 180) same thing.
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post #13 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:13 AM
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Re: Time for little update

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It doesn't quite work this way. Not unless you go all out marital warfare on her.

If you play along once a month she thinks everything is fine. If you don't, but keep behaving as if nothing is the issue (or 180) same thing.
It looks like it is depending on what his goal is. To stay married at all costs or to effect a change. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
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post #14 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:22 AM
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Re: Time for little update

Which brings us to my years old theory of whether she knows what she's doing and it's all intentional or whether she's clueless altogether.

One case is generally fixable, the other case is generally not fixable.
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post #15 of 270 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:43 AM
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Re: Time for little update

Tell her how you are feeling, and ask her, do not criticize or say you do this or that, because etc. Repeat back and discuss the I feelings, and state what you need, ask questions to clarify, then discuss how you can meet each others needs. Connect on an emotional level you both will be happier. Don't expect overnight results because you have to build trust and intimacy again. Just like going on your first date and begining all over again. Go date again-how fun is that....! Sounds exciting.

Go exercise together. She lost weight she can do it again. You can be her role model. Cut out the white starches and have controlled portioned meals and eat together. Do not have anything the house that is tempting, just basic good food three times a day. Go without the bed time snacks. I know. I have to keep my sugar under control. Get back to relating to her and the pounds should come off. She wants to beautiful in your eyes. Cut the contempt. Listen together to the CD audiobook by John Gottman, "Ten lessons to transform your marriage." Also, "Have the Sex you Want: A couples guide to getting back the spark." By Marshall if you can get the audio book it is faster than reading. "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands," by Dr. Laura-it applies to men how to treat women. Then the last book for you only is by Gottman called "Men's guide to women."

See a marital therapist, a dietitian, your insurance should cover it. Please try the above, read or listen in that order. If you realy want to get the loving feeling back this should help. You will be amazed to the possibilities that may occur. It was too late for me, but by your posts you are discouraged and not to that point.
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