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post #16 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 11:13 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Sorry dude but I am going to say it. Once a cheater always a cheater. This is probably what is really going on with the brakes. Character doesn't just change without hard work. What has she done to fix herself besides apologizing. I bet it you creep down the rabbit hole a little deeper you will find that she has been cheating this whole time. She may love your emotionally in her own way, like you provide her safety in that way, but it doesn't sound like she does sexually.
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post #17 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 11:27 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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Originally Posted by Calidad1 View Post
I don't think it's a porn addiction. She only masturbates 1-4 x a month that I can tell. She's rarely alone in the house and I work from home.

The rest of the relationship is mixed. We have ups and downs. There our court trust issues. I don't trust her because of cheating and she doesn't trust me because of the snooping. We both are trying and there is still deep connection, love and laughs. But also tons of anxiety and heartache. We also have massive communication issues. I walk on eggshells a lot and when I try Toby talk about my feelings or ask her about things she's doing that are suspicious to me, she flips out and we end up in a fight. I do see both sides...she thinks I believe she's cheating or sneaking around and as a result she's defensive.

Is she seeing someone and saving the best for them? I honestly don't know. There are signs. She's a fitness instructor and there are many hours in her day unaccounted for. She says she likes to "wander" -- so on a given Tuesday she may go to the beach for al one walk, the gym, a yoga class and suddenly 6 hours are gone. When I question her she gets very defensive. Then there are sexy clothes in her trunk that have never been in the house..I've never seen them. She's hyper protective of her phone and claims she has snap chat to make funny pictures. I walked in on her taking a semi nude selfie the other day and she got embarrassed...said it was an art project. Then when confronted she got very defensive.

We do make love 6-7 days a week so I do feel if she had some side ass that she would cut our frequency down.
Oh dear, its clear as day that she is cheating, what more proof do you need?She keeps sexy clothes in the boot, goes missing for hours, and takes semi nude selfies of herself to send to him, and is very secretive with her phone. SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR.
if she had nothing to hide then she wouldn't mind you checking up on her especially if she has cheated before. She ls lying to you, deceiving you and cheating on you yet you cant seem to see it.
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post #18 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 11:29 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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Thanks Fem,

Question is how? She has private clients during the day and at night and if she is ****ign around it will be very difficult to catch unless I follow her around for a week.

My gut actually says she's not cheating now. But that she has more to confess about our past. The clothes and the selfie are def red flags. She busted me for snooping 8 months ago so I'm sure the phone is clean. She may be using Snapchat which has no chat record.

If I were to confront just to ask about these things that are bothering me, what's the best way to approach the subject?
Read the advice on how to catch a cheating spouse in the thread that I linked to in my previous post. There's no sense in me re-posting what is already so well-written there.

DO NOT "confront just to ask about these things that are bothering me." DO NOT! DO NOT! DO NOT! Do not do this before gathering evidence. You will tip her off to your suspicions, and as soon as you do that, she will delete all emails, texts, ANYTHING that might be evidence of an affair, and she will get even sneakier.

If she's being hyper-vigilant about the phone, SOMETHING is on there.

You MAY have to follow her around for a week, but it may be better to hire a PI, since they are professionals, and she may easily spot you if you try to do that.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #19 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 01:40 AM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

We are in our mid sixties and married over 44 years. I have no problem with my wife viewing porn on her own, which she never does, or masturbating with BOB, her Battery Operated Buddy. It does not interfere with our sex life at all since my wife is very orgasmic and can orgasm in under 3 minutes and keep on going until she physically cannot take it anymore. Not bad for an old broad.

I am well aware of Tantric sex and have practiced it in the past. We ran into a similar problem as you, but in our case, we were both masturbating. What we did was start Chastity Play where my penis is locked up and my wife holds the key to the lock. Since, unlike me, she can masturbate and still orgasm a few minutes later with me, I have no problem with that. I am the one who wants to have sex, putting off my orgasm for a few weeks or months. What happens is that my wife will tease me in various ways. It can be just grabbing my crotch and playing with me through my pants until my penis attempts to get erect, but cannot due to the chastity cage. She then laughs. Most times she will edge me over and over again until I am moaning in sexual frustration. My moans trigger her orgasm.

We basically have sex as usual except we leave out the 10 seconds of my orgasm. I have grown to love the anticipation of an orgasm more than the orgasm itself. I am also hooked on the sexual energy I have from being denied orgasms for many weeks or months. I divert that energy to doing chores around the house or doing things I have been putting off doing for myself. After my orgasm I actually feel bored, depressed and lack energy.

Only my masturbation interfered in our sex life when I got older since I was no young stud anymore having sex with my wife and our girlfriend together and then separately. Now I can go two or three weeks until I really start to feel the urge to orgasm. My wife is free to do what she wants to. A few weeks ago I commented on the 10 orgasms I gave her that week and her response was to tell me that those were the only ones I was aware of. I am not upset that she no longer is interested in tantric sex either. It has always been our policy that either both of us enjoy a sex game or we do not do it.

If you look into chastity, disregard the many websites that incorporate chastity play and chastity devices into some form of female domination or cuckolding. Chastity can stand on its own or you can add teasing and denial to it. My wife is having the best orgasms of her life because she is in control of our sex life and can just have me give her a quick orgasm and not reciprocate at all. Being denied orgams makes me much more attentive to her needs, more eager to do chores and making her feel like the sexiest women alive. Our marriage sunk when we moved away from the girlfriend we shared and Chastity saved the day. My wife gets to masturbate in private or with me. Does not affect the amount of sex we have together. Our sex live has improved greatly since we have regular sex and all that is missing is the 10 seconds of my orgasm. Other than that we do anything we want. Being brought to the edge of an orgasm 20 or 30 times becomes much more enjoyable than the orgasm itself.

We communicated and worked it out. My wife was repressing her bisexuality since she was raised that it was a sin to have sex with a woman and also that she would be labeled a lesbian at a time when that had serious consequence. Bisexuallty was not accepted as a valid sexual orientation by anyone, gay or straight. She was so afraid that I would divorce her if I found out but did not want to cheat. She went about having me find out very cleverly, too long to explain here. So we found a way to take care of my wifes sexual needs and mine too by forming a poly triad with our girlfriend and practising male chastity with teasing and denial. Our lifestyle was not normal according to society and religion but it catered not only to our individual sexual needs but also the rest of out needs that no two of us could fulfill.

My wife avoided cheating on me with women and we stopped our group sex activities which my wife only did to please my needs. It all worked out and all the friends we had who thought our lifestyle was perverted, are all divorced with most divorced twice. You would be surprised by how many divorces can be the result of sexual problems that manifested in different ways. A loved and well satisfied wife has no reason to cheat. If she needs to have occasional sex with outers, then give her permission to do so as long as she keeps you informed. Sounds weird but we knew many wives and husband who chose to look the other way or did not ask questions or want to tell. They worked around their sexual needs because the rest of their marriage was great. Of course it is not for everyone. You need to either subdue jealousy or not have it at all. You also need to think that sex can be just sex and not making love. Plus you need to trust that your wife will always come home to you. You can even set rules so you have some control over what your wife does. I know, not your typical advice but it worked for us and many other married couples we know. Do you really think the wives of rich and famous men are naive enough to think that their husbands do not cheat on them? They just decided to look the other way and enjoy the lifestyle that their husband's provided as long as their hubbies were discrete and only focused on them when they were home. Not your everyday solution.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #20 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 02:03 AM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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Sorry dude but I am going to say it. Once a cheater always a cheater. This is probably what is really going on with the brakes. Character doesn't just change without hard work. What has she done to fix herself besides apologizing. I bet it you creep down the rabbit hole a little deeper you will find that she has been cheating this whole time. She may love your emotionally in her own way, like you provide her safety in that way, but it doesn't sound like she does sexually.
Although I feel like you do about cheating, there are other non traditional solutions like various forms of group sex and poly relationships. That is what we did and after 45 wonderful years of a very happy marriage, it worked very well for us. We ended up moving in my wife's best friend to form a poly triad and among the three of us, all of our sexual and non sexual needs were met. I also agree that if you insist on monogamy, odds are that nothing will change other than your wife getting better at deceiving you. In my very young days before I met my wife, I dated a few married and older women. They were pros at cheating and all had been caught once or twice and forgiven. In some cases the husband decided to look the other way rather than face the alternative. Our girlfriend is married and her husband is OK with it. We even socialized with him.

I tried monogamy with a fiancee of 5 years who cheated on me when I was spending a year in combat. Then I ran into the cougar wives who cheated. Every boss I ever had, male or female, cheated. Most of my friends or their wives cheated. You only hear about the ones who get caught or confess to get rid of their guilt by destroying their spouse's life. I gave up on monogamy and as a result we have been married longer than our friends and siblings who kept their marriage in the box designed by society and religion. I did not like the 50/50 odds that normal marriage gave me so we designed our own marriage and it worked for us. Definitely not for most, especially those who get jealous and feel some sort of ownership of their spouse or at least ownership of their sexual pleasure. For the rest who know that sex can be just sex and not making love. One thing I learned was that a wife is more likely to enter into an affair which ends up as emotional than a woman who can have sex with different men with their husband's OK and under the rules they agreed to like no overnight stay. The reason is that it is much more likely that the wife would get caught if she was dating different men all the time versus just one man.

I am a funny duck. I have lived with a girlfriend I did not love who cuckolded me with my knowledge. I have wife swapped and engaged in some group sex activities with my wife. We have seen each other having orgasm with others but what we saw was nothing like the passionate love making we have with each other. We shared a girlfriend and I made my wife comfortable enough to come out as bisexual and admit her need for both a man and woman in her life. Yet, if my wife had an affair, I would leave her. There is a difference in doing things with the approval of your spouse and sneaking around deceiving him or her.

We say that we are monogamish. We try to stay sexually faithful and do not going looking for others to have sex with but if it happens very occasionally and is the exception and not the rule, it is not a deal killer for our marriage. More than half of men and almost as many women cheat at some time. Just that most are never caught. I have know guys I worked with that cheated their entire marriage and yet their wives say that their husbands would never cheat. With a 50% divorce rate, it is obvious that monogamy does not work but if you are going to have sex with others it has to be consensual and rules and boundaries have to be established. If my wife was sneaking behind my back she would be gone. I am lucky in that my wife will not even except a man to play with no matter how much I try to talk her into it. She prefers to play with women but only if I take part so that it does not seem like cheating to her. If she asked me to have sex with someguy she became sexually attracted to, I would say yes because she has afforded me that same permission a few times. Weird, unmanly and how could I love my wife and let other guys have sex with her. I am very alpha. An ex jock and decorated combat vet. It is not about manliness but rather non ownership of each other and trust that she will only do as she says.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #21 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 03:18 AM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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I'm not buying the clit injury story at all! She would have to have a very large clit with almost no clit hood covering it, which is unusual, AND she would have to be zipping her pants while her pelvis is tilted forward and while that jibes with super tight pants it doesn't jibe with accidental clit injury.

Also, you said she is watching extreme porn? What kind of porn?

Did you ever see this injuries clit? Does her clit stick out from her labia to such an extent that she caught it in a zipper?

Either this story is false or your GF's story is false.

Pick one.
Exactly. First she gets her clit caught in a zipper (how is that even possible - does the zipper literally go down into her crotch and does she always wear pants with zippers with no underwear? Stupid.) Then she has psoriasis on her labia? Seriously? OK, I've never had psoriasis but what are the odds of these double injuries/conditions?

Either she's making stuff up to avoid sex or she actually caught herpes or another STD that causes sores while cheating and was waiting for sores to heal, though I don't think that should take three months...

The selfie and the sexy clothes in the trunk? Um... she's cheating.
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post #22 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 07:24 AM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

You really don't need to follow her. Get a dog tracking device such as Whistle and hid it in her car.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #23 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 01:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

She wasn't 100% that it was the zipper. The clit got swollen with a huge purple bruise on the side. It took 3 months to heal. She guessed it was from wearing tight pants with no undies and that it must have gotten nipped. It's a small clit btw. But also could have been my pubic bone rubbing hard on it.....or something she doesn't want me to know about
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post #24 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 01:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Thanks! Here's the thing...I'm not 100% she is actively cheating. I suspect she did last year and has cut it off.

So my thinking is for now to confront her on the vibrator / porn usage and establish that she's now caught in yet another lie. If I can't get her to at least be honest around this issue, cheating or no cheating becomes moot because without trust there's no relationship.

As for her getting sneakier, I know she regularly flushes her phone history, edits past Facebook messages, deletes texts, etc. So I could potentially use some forensics tools to recover old messages but the likelihood of actual evidence on the phone is slim.

The following route is not bad idea..another poster suggested a tracking device.


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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Read the advice on how to catch a cheating spouse in the thread that I linked to in my previous post. There's no sense in me re-posting what is already so well-written there.

DO NOT "confront just to ask about these things that are bothering me." DO NOT! DO NOT! DO NOT! Do not do this before gathering evidence. You will tip her off to your suspicions, and as soon as you do that, she will delete all emails, texts, ANYTHING that might be evidence of an affair, and she will get even sneakier.

If she's being hyper-vigilant about the phone, SOMETHING is on there.

You MAY have to follow her around for a week, but it may be better to hire a PI, since they are professionals, and she may easily spot you if you try to do that.
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post #25 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 01:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Hi Vinny,

Thanks for sharing your story. Can't say I don't envy your relationship...especially with the side girlfriend.

Started off in an open relationship. She was dating another guy, and was just coming out of a broken marriage. In fact, I encouraged her to sell her oats and was not interested in monogamy myself. As soon as I started dating someone else, she cut off the open relationship. Or so I thought. I learned months later that she kept her side open and had hooked up with three different men over six months.

Being a conscious couple, we got to the bottom of it or so I thought and spent months and months trying to repair the damage and rebuild trust. During that time she was very open to me about seeing her stuff looking at her phone etc.

Overtime, she became resentful of needing to check in with me on her whereabouts and allowing me to see her stuff and started feeling like she was on a leash and was chained with no freedom. She actually started turning around her story and editing the past to minimize what she done and to try to make me partially responsible for her behavior.

Then she put a password on her phone and overtime I started becoming suspicious, particularly because she's gone for many hours during the day and has huge gaps in her schedule.

If she would be honest and say, "yes, I would like to see other people or I would like the right to jerk off to porn and I would give you the same respect", then I would be very open to a poly relationship with her. However, it seems that she would like to have her fantasies, be able to jerk off to porn, while I am to save my seed for her. I know this works for you, but it doesn't feel right to me. If feels like the same energy as when we were in the open relationship when she had no problem seeing two guys but the minute I wanted to play it was off-limits.

The other issue is that if she were to bring her vibrator to our bedroom like she used to, there's really no issue. The fact that she reserves for clitoris orgasms for solo play and refuses to include me, makes me feel like she's got two separate sex likes.

Finally, it's the sneakiness and the lying that gets me worst of all because I would rather have open communication trust and there should be no secrets. Having a fantasy life is one thing but if in order to get your rocks off you need to hide in secrecy, then there's a problem, no?

As far as your comments regarding ejaculation, they're well taken. I have an extremely high sex drive and a train myself to have multiple orgasms without ejaculator in. I can go 30 days even longer if I want to and be completely satisfied. I can also achieving a ruction a mediately after orgasm and it 46 years old I think that's pretty good accomplishment. So well obviously she has the advantage in being able to have multiple orgasms, we are nearly evenly matched in that departmen.

Another poster made a comment that it sounded like she's got an issue with intimacy, not necessarily including me in her play. She's mentioned to me before that she has a hard time being intimate these days and that a lot of it stems from me snooping on her and her not wanting to be seen. Does this make sense to you? I'd love to hear your opinion around that.


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Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
We are in our mid sixties and married over 44 years. I have no problem with my wife viewing porn on her own, which she never does, or masturbating with BOB, her Battery Operated Buddy. It does not interfere with our sex life at all since my wife is very orgasmic and can orgasm in under 3 minutes and keep on going until she physically cannot take it anymore. Not bad for an old broad.

I am well aware of Tantric sex and have practiced it in the past. We ran into a similar problem as you, but in our case, we were both masturbating. What we did was start Chastity Play where my penis is locked up and my wife holds the key to the lock. Since, unlike me, she can masturbate and still orgasm a few minutes later with me, I have no problem with that. I am the one who wants to have sex, putting off my orgasm for a few weeks or months. What happens is that my wife will tease me in various ways. It can be just grabbing my crotch and playing with me through my pants until my penis attempts to get erect, but cannot due to the chastity cage. She then laughs. Most times she will edge me over and over again until I am moaning in sexual frustration. My moans trigger her orgasm.

We basically have sex as usual except we leave out the 10 seconds of my orgasm. I have grown to love the anticipation of an orgasm more than the orgasm itself. I am also hooked on the sexual energy I have from being denied orgasms for many weeks or months. I divert that energy to doing chores around the house or doing things I have been putting off doing for myself. After my orgasm I actually feel bored, depressed and lack energy.

Only my masturbation interfered in our sex life when I got older since I was no young stud anymore having sex with my wife and our girlfriend together and then separately. Now I can go two or three weeks until I really start to feel the urge to orgasm. My wife is free to do what she wants to. A few weeks ago I commented on the 10 orgasms I gave her that week and her response was to tell me that those were the only ones I was aware of. I am not upset that she no longer is interested in tantric sex either. It has always been our policy that either both of us enjoy a sex game or we do not do it.

If you look into chastity, disregard the many websites that incorporate chastity play and chastity devices into some form of female domination or cuckolding. Chastity can stand on its own or you can add teasing and denial to it. My wife is having the best orgasms of her life because she is in control of our sex life and can just have me give her a quick orgasm and not reciprocate at all. Being denied orgams makes me much more attentive to her needs, more eager to do chores and making her feel like the sexiest women alive. Our marriage sunk when we moved away from the girlfriend we shared and Chastity saved the day. My wife gets to masturbate in private or with me. Does not affect the amount of sex we have together. Our sex live has improved greatly since we have regular sex and all that is missing is the 10 seconds of my orgasm. Other than that we do anything we want. Being brought to the edge of an orgasm 20 or 30 times becomes much more enjoyable than the orgasm itself.

We communicated and worked it out. My wife was repressing her bisexuality since she was raised that it was a sin to have sex with a woman and also that she would be labeled a lesbian at a time when that had serious consequence. Bisexuallty was not accepted as a valid sexual orientation by anyone, gay or straight. She was so afraid that I would divorce her if I found out but did not want to cheat. She went about having me find out very cleverly, too long to explain here. So we found a way to take care of my wifes sexual needs and mine too by forming a poly triad with our girlfriend and practising male chastity with teasing and denial. Our lifestyle was not normal according to society and religion but it catered not only to our individual sexual needs but also the rest of out needs that no two of us could fulfill.

My wife avoided cheating on me with women and we stopped our group sex activities which my wife only did to please my needs. It all worked out and all the friends we had who thought our lifestyle was perverted, are all divorced with most divorced twice. You would be surprised by how many divorces can be the result of sexual problems that manifested in different ways. A loved and well satisfied wife has no reason to cheat. If she needs to have occasional sex with outers, then give her permission to do so as long as she keeps you informed. Sounds weird but we knew many wives and husband who chose to look the other way or did not ask questions or want to tell. They worked around their sexual needs because the rest of their marriage was great. Of course it is not for everyone. You need to either subdue jealousy or not have it at all. You also need to think that sex can be just sex and not making love. Plus you need to trust that your wife will always come home to you. You can even set rules so you have some control over what your wife does. I know, not your typical advice but it worked for us and many other married couples we know. Do you really think the wives of rich and famous men are naive enough to think that their husbands do not cheat on them? They just decided to look the other way and enjoy the lifestyle that their husband's provided as long as their hubbies were discrete and only focused on them when they were home. Not your everyday solution.
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post #26 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Sorry for the poor English, I was using Google voice.
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post #27 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 02:07 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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She wasn't 100% that it was the zipper. The clit got swollen with a huge purple bruise on the side. It took 3 months to heal. She guessed it was from wearing tight pants with no undies and that it must have gotten nipped. It's a small clit btw. But also could have been my pubic bone rubbing hard on it.....or something she doesn't want me to know about
@Calidad1 I have a clit, if it got so bruised that it needed 3 months to heal trust me I would know EXACTLY how it got hurt and when. That thing is the most sensitive thing on a female's body. It is virtually impossible to nip it in a zipper unless she's wearing those sexy pants that zip all the way to the butt for easy access to the puss AND she was wearing no panties. Again, it is impossible for it to happen with regular pants, otherwise manufacturers would be getting sued up the wazoo! Or super tight pants for that matter, especially if its a small clit. If the thing was big and flapping in the wind I would understand...

Stop trying to skirt the issue, this is serious. Either she got an std that she didn't want to tell you about or she hurt it doing something that she didn't want to tell you about. EITHER way, she's lying to you about what's really happening with her genitals.

Edited to add: Even if the clit did get bruised, it wouldn't stop me from having sex with my partner. He could easily pleasure me without touching it. Seriously, this clit injury/psoriasis story is not even believable.

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post #28 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 02:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Quick question. Do you think it's fair to ask her about her masturbation and confront her if she lies again? As a woman I know this is a very sensitive subject and I don't want to shame her. At the same time it's a question of integrity, no? If she lies about using her vibrator and porn, what else is she lying about?

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Originally Posted by WorkingWife View Post
Exactly. First she gets her clit caught in a zipper (how is that even possible - does the zipper literally go down into her crotch and does she always wear pants with zippers with no underwear? Stupid.) Then she has psoriasis on her labia? Seriously? OK, I've never had psoriasis but what are the odds of these double injuries/conditions?

Either she's making stuff up to avoid sex or she actually caught herpes or another STD that causes sores while cheating and was waiting for sores to heal, though I don't think that should take three months...

The selfie and the sexy clothes in the trunk? Um... she's cheating.
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post #29 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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Thanks! Here's the thing...I'm not 100% she is actively cheating. I suspect she did last year and has cut it off.

So my thinking is for now to confront her on the vibrator / porn usage and establish that she's now caught in yet another lie. If I can't get her to at least be honest around this issue, cheating or no cheating becomes moot because without trust there's no relationship.

As for her getting sneakier, I know she regularly flushes her phone history, edits past Facebook messages, deletes texts, etc. So I could potentially use some forensics tools to recover old messages but the likelihood of actual evidence on the phone is slim.

The following route is not bad idea..another poster suggested a tracking device.
Why?

Why confront her on the porn?

If she takes care of your needs why bother. If you are not getting enough, let it be known. It is better for her to look at pictures and videos of sex than for her to participate in these activities.

She sounds HD. Let her relieve herself. She will eventually cut back as she ages. That is, if you stay together that long!

I say let that go. You have more worries than this.

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post #30 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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Originally Posted by Calidad1 View Post
Quick question. Do you think it's fair to ask her about her masturbation and confront her if she lies again? As a woman I know this is a very sensitive subject and I don't want to shame her. At the same time it's a question of integrity, no? If she lies about using her vibrator and porn, what else is she lying about?
I think it's certainly fair to ask her, but I wouldn't expect to get an honest answer. If she is masturbating and/or using porn she is probably embarrassed and feels in her mind that it's harmless and none of your business. I don't agree with her, FWIW, but just don't expect her to be candid.

I think this approach is reasonable/justified:

Dear wife, I love you but I have been unfulfilled with our sex life for a long time. I've tried to tell you how important a good sex life is to me and you don't seem to be taking my feelings seriously. You seldom desire sex anymore and when you do it feels like you are not enjoying it and just want to get it over with.

I need a great sex life to be happy in a relationship.

I am concerned I may not be meeting some of your needs and that may be resulting in you not desiring sex the way you used to. But I also notice you're masturbating and using porn and sexting with other men on the internet. All these sexual outlets for you hurt our sex life and hurt me deeply, especially when you have no libidio for your own husband. I sincerely want to know what I can do to meet your needs so you are happy and we are in love and enjoying a good sex life again. But I will not tolerate being married to a woman who turns to porn/strangers for sexual relief instead of her own living, breathing husband.

I want to make sure you understand that while I love you dearly I am not happy or satisfied with our relationship right now. This is not working for me.

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Meanwhile I would snoop to find out what she's really up to and if there is an affair or ongoing sexting. If she's having an affair or sexting (another form of infidelity) things will NOT improve because her sexual energy/attentions are focused elsewhere.

Some articles for you -
The scourge of pornography: The Scourge of Pornography by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Men - getting the sex you want: The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

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BTW - this clitoris injury - did you see it? This bruise that was not a lesion? I can see tight pants irritating/bruising like that but I don't understand it taking 3 months to heal. Nor not knowing exactly how it happened. (It "might" have been caught in a zipper? If something gets caught in a zipper, you know it instantly. And if your pants are so tight they're irritating you, you're aware at the time.) Unless it visibly healed faster but she remained "hyper sensitive" for longer. It still sounds like an excuse to get out of sex/intimacy. I remember when my marriage was really bad with my first husband, suddenly I couldn't stand for him to use his hands or mouth on me. I could take regular PIV, but I had so much resentment and unhappiness in my heart - his hand or mouth was just way too intimate, I'd always find a way to redirect him.

Good luck. Please keep us posted.
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