Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 03:45 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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Originally Posted by Calidad1 View Post
Thanks! Here's the thing...I'm not 100% she is actively cheating. I suspect she did last year and has cut it off.

So my thinking is for now to confront her on the vibrator / porn usage and establish that she's now caught in yet another lie. If I can't get her to at least be honest around this issue, cheating or no cheating becomes moot because without trust there's no relationship.

As for her getting sneakier, I know she regularly flushes her phone history, edits past Facebook messages, deletes texts, etc. So I could potentially use some forensics tools to recover old messages but the likelihood of actual evidence on the phone is slim.

The following route is not bad idea..another poster suggested a tracking device.
She sounds fundamentally dishonest. My question is what is it about you that allows you to want to continue a relationship with someone who has this quality? Don't you think you can do better? Don't you think it is a form of abuse for her to continually lie to you? Don't you think this kind of stuff will continue to affect you in ways even worse then they are right now? And it's pretty bad now.
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post #32 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 04:31 PM
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Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Why are you ignoring the advice to get to the bottom of this? Why are you ignoring the advice NOT to confront?

There are so many red flags that a well placed VAR or two would likely confirm that she's cheating.

And it's complete crap that you can't monitor her. That's your right and obligation until SHE rebuilds your trust. It's not on YOU to get comfortable with her cheating and lying. So it's NOT snooping - it's verifying what she is telling you because she's proven to be a liar and cheat in the past.

The fact that she uses your "snooping" as a fake reason not to trust you is the real kicker here. That is classic cheater stuff - blame the victim and undermine your self confidence.

She doesn't want you snooping because she feels exposed and guilty because she's actually guilty.

It's right in front of you. Don't drive it further underground by exposing yet.


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post #33 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 04:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

What does HD mean?

It's a good question--- a few reasons

1. If she's truthful goes along way to rebuild trust. My hope is that she will come clean and we can take it from there...it's really a truthtest

2. I'm bothered by the double standard. She gives me massive grief if I wank (and I tell her the truth when she asks). So I feel confronting her can bring us to an understanding in the issue...otherwise it will keep comIng up

3. She used to bring the five and the porn to our bedroom and there was no issue with her extracurricular. But now it feels like she wants to sex life. I don't like it

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Why?

Why confront her on the porn?

If she takes care of your needs why bother. If you are not getting enough, let it be known. It is better for her to look at pictures and videos of sex than for her to participate in these activities.

She sounds HD. Let her relieve herself. She will eventually cut back as she ages. That is, if you stay together that long!

I say let that go. You have more worries than this.
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post #34 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 04:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Good comments. Thanks. So I did see it yes. It was purple and swollen. looked like a blood blister caused by blunt force trauma. It did take 3 months to go away.

As to York ur second comment, she is the same as you were. She will let me penetrate and can achieve some kinds of orgasm with me. It is still hot occasionally. But if I touch her with my hand or mouth she cries. Says it brings up deep sadness and shame. On vacation though things are way better. She claims the environment here is killing her and since she's in traffic 20 hours a week, she's got no motor left (except of course for old vibro)

Thinking of confronting her on the porn to see if we can clear the air and have an open talk. But my relatives are coming to stay in a few days. Would you risk breaching this today or wait until next week when they're gone?


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I think it's certainly fair to ask her, but I wouldn't expect to get an honest answer. If she is masturbating and/or using porn she is probably embarrassed and feels in her mind that it's harmless and none of your business. I don't agree with her, FWIW, but just don't expect her to be candid.

I think this approach is reasonable/justified:

Dear wife, I love you but I have been unfulfilled with our sex life for a long time. I've tried to tell you how important a good sex life is to me and you don't seem to be taking my feelings seriously. You seldom desire sex anymore and when you do it feels like you are not enjoying it and just want to get it over with.

I need a great sex life to be happy in a relationship.

I am concerned I may not be meeting some of your needs and that may be resulting in you not desiring sex the way you used to. But I also notice you're masturbating and using porn and sexting with other men on the internet. All these sexual outlets for you hurt our sex life and hurt me deeply, especially when you have no libidio for your own husband. I sincerely want to know what I can do to meet your needs so you are happy and we are in love and enjoying a good sex life again. But I will not tolerate being married to a woman who turns to porn/strangers for sexual relief instead of her own living, breathing husband.

I want to make sure you understand that while I love you dearly I am not happy or satisfied with our relationship right now. This is not working for me.

------------------

Meanwhile I would snoop to find out what she's really up to and if there is an affair or ongoing sexting. If she's having an affair or sexting (another form of infidelity) things will NOT improve because her sexual energy/attentions are focused elsewhere.

Some articles for you -
The scourge of pornography: The Scourge of Pornography by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Men - getting the sex you want: The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

------------------

BTW - this clitoris injury - did you see it? This bruise that was not a lesion? I can see tight pants irritating/bruising like that but I don't understand it taking 3 months to heal. Nor not knowing exactly how it happened. (It "might" have been caught in a zipper? If something gets caught in a zipper, you know it instantly. And if your pants are so tight they're irritating you, you're aware at the time.) Unless it visibly healed faster but she remained "hyper sensitive" for longer. It still sounds like an excuse to get out of sex/intimacy. I remember when my marriage was really bad with my first husband, suddenly I couldn't stand for him to use his hands or mouth on me. I could take regular PIV, but I had so much resentment and unhappiness in my heart - his hand or mouth was just way too intimate, I'd always find a way to redirect him.

Good luck. Please keep us posted.
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post #35 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 04:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

I hear what you're saying but aren't they separate issues? If I confront her on the porn and she admits it, it can help rebuild trust. If she lies, how would it drive her underground if she's cheating? They are different behaviors...

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
Why are you ignoring the advice to get to the bottom of this? Why are you ignoring the advice NOT to confront?

There are so many red flags that a well placed VAR or two would likely confirm that she's cheating.

And it's complete crap that you can't monitor her. That's your right and obligation until SHE rebuilds your trust. It's not on YOU to get comfortable with her cheating and lying. So it's NOT snooping - it's verifying what she is telling you because she's proven to be a liar and cheat in the past.

The fact that she uses your "snooping" as a fake reason not to trust you is the real kicker here. That is classic cheater stuff - blame the victim and undermine your self confidence.

She doesn't want you snooping because she feels exposed and guilty because she's actually guilty.

It's right in front of you. Don't drive it further underground by exposing yet.


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post #36 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 05:10 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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I hear what you're saying but aren't they separate issues? If I confront her on the porn and she admits it, it can help rebuild trust. If she lies, how would it drive her underground if she's cheating? They are different behaviors...


If she thinks you're scrutinizing her behavior enough to call out her masturbation, of course she'd be exposed to being caught in an affair. She'll know you're watching her and hide her behavior better.


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post #37 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 07:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Gotcha. Frankly she already thinks I scrutinize her behavior and she's hyper vigilant about it. How would you suggest then getting her to relax?

And don't you think it's possible that she's not cheating and just has some odd behaviors? She may be lying about porn because she's embarrassed and/ or thinks it's a small white lie. Just because she's lying about open doesn't necessarily mean she's having affair.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
If she thinks you're scrutinizing her behavior enough to call out her masturbation, of course she'd be exposed to being caught in an affair. She'll know you're watching her and hide her behavior better.


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post #38 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:21 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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Originally Posted by Calidad1 View Post
Gotcha. Frankly she already thinks I scrutinize her behavior and she's hyper vigilant about it. How would you suggest then getting her to relax?

And don't you think it's possible that she's not cheating and just has some odd behaviors? She may be lying about porn because she's embarrassed and/ or thinks it's a small white lie. Just because she's lying about open doesn't necessarily mean she's having affair.
If it was just "odd behaviors" she would have always been like this. People are creatures of habits. They don't start up new "odd behaviors."

You're rationalizing and making excuses for her, man. Stop doing that. Listen to the advice presented here. It is sage advice, from people who know.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #39 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:24 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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Gotcha. Frankly she already thinks I scrutinize her behavior and she's hyper vigilant about it. How would you suggest then getting her to relax?



And don't you think it's possible that she's not cheating and just has some odd behaviors? She may be lying about porn because she's embarrassed and/ or thinks it's a small white lie. Just because she's lying about open doesn't necessarily mean she's having affair.


I already told you what I think. Could I be wrong? Yeah, maybe. But what you've been told is how to KNOW and not guess.

Look, if you've placed the VARs, monitored her, followed her or hired a PI, etc and found nothing, that's one thing. If you're saying "we'll, gosh, gee, I don't think she's cheating" and that's all you know for sure that's a completely different thing.

Bottom line - I'm the big dog in my relationship. I would NEVER stand for this type of disrespect. I would have ended it after she cheated, though, so maybe that's why you're not following what I'm saying.


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post #40 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 11:03 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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Good comments. Thanks. So I did see it yes. It was purple and swollen. looked like a blood blister caused by blunt force trauma. It did take 3 months to go away.
This sounds like it could have been a herpes break out.

How long have you two been together? Either of you ever get tested for STD's?

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #41 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 11:44 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

If your story is legit......

Your girl has skimpy clothes in her trunk you've never seen. She won't kiss you. She's had sex with other men in the past.
She has a screwed up groin with no real explanation why.
She disappears for hours at a time.
She guards her phone.
She deletes texts.
She has changed her sex habits with you.
She is hyper vigilant about her privacy.
She takes nude selfies that you never see--- for art. I'm. Uffling a laugh here.

Do I need to go on?

Yes, she is having sex with others.
Yes, she's a proven liar.

You can't "fix" her.
Plan an exit strategy. You're on the way out anyway.
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post #42 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Here's an update. I am following advice here and not confronting at this time. Something I need some advice with though. My wife is a very sexy 43 year old. She looks about 32 and is a yoga instructor. At the start of our relationship, she was going through a divorce. As mentioned, we were open at the time.

One of the men that showed up in her life at that time was a 6'5" 21 year old who looks like a lifeguard and is apparently wise beyond his years. She claimed then and now he was a 'friend' and was 'super sensitive' and they bonded over that. She stated it was platonic and he was too young for her.

I do keep tabs on her phone and about 6 months ago she texted him and asked if she could stop by his house to hang out one afternoon on her way to work. She DID NOT inform me of this. I read the texts and confronted her at the time and she swears it was innocent.

Today she announced she's going to meet him for lunch next week. I read the texts today, and she's the one who reached out and he said he might not be available this week so she offered to move something around for next week….she's going way out of her way to meet up with him as his office is a 45 minute drive from here.

During the course of their 'friendship' the text history shows that she's been the pursuer. He's never once reached out to her...it's always her reaching to him. Her journal from 2013 states that she's "excited about her new paradigm with men." She went on to say that I "am of course a big part of that" and then moved right into the kid. She described this kid as 'beautiful'. "Such a sweet, caring sensitive soul. Soo amazing, etc." She did not confess in her journal anything else but it seems clear it wasn't as innocent as she led me to believe.

This new action of her pursuing him for lunch is troubling. She's always been attracted to the aloof push-pull types and from their text history, this seems to be the dynamic (with her in chase mode and him as Mr cool).

I know the advice on the forum is not to confront yet. So how do I handle this? Just lay low, track her moves and see if it evolves? Or since she's told me she's meeting him, part of me wants to use this to set some boundaries. I never really made it clear that it was disrepectful to plan to go to his house and I never brought up the journal entry. Thoughts? What would you do?
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post #43 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 02:03 AM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

If you know, and she knows you know, I'd say you object to it and it's inappropriate. Your not comfortable with her meeting alone, but if he's a friend you'd like to come along.


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post #44 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

So I confronted her on this and we got into it. She of course repeated her claims that the guy is and always has been platonic, no chemistry, etc. She swore up and down to God Jesus, Buddha and everyone else.

She then said why don't we invite him over and get some people together and you can meet him. I then said why don't I join you next time you're having lunch.

She got real uncomfortable and I called her out. She says that it feels awkward that she'd planned lunch with her 'friend' and all of a sudden I'm coming along. She claims it feels weird since they are only spending an hour together and it's not really enough time to get to know someone.

So what do you make of this? Why does she feel uncomfortable for me to join their lunch but not to have him over to our house?
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post #45 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 01:19 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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So I confronted her on this and we got into it. She of course repeated her claims that the guy is and always has been platonic, no chemistry, etc. She swore up and down to God Jesus, Buddha and everyone else.



She then said why don't we invite him over and get some people together and you can meet him. I then said why don't I join you next time you're having lunch.



She got real uncomfortable and I called her out. She says that it feels awkward that she'd planned lunch with her 'friend' and all of a sudden I'm coming along. She claims it feels weird since they are only spending an hour together and it's not really enough time to get to know someone.



So what do you make of this? Why does she feel uncomfortable for me to join their lunch but not to have him over to our house?


Go to lunch. No question. I'd say "lunch is a perfect time to make an initial introduction. Not strange at all and I'm sure he'd like to meet me."

That's my take


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