Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 12:33 AM Thread Starter
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Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

My partner and I have a complex relationship. We study Tantra and the first 18 months were unbelievable. Best sex ever for both of us. Super hot, kinky, open, experimental and to the stage where we literally were sharing orgasms. Since then we've had a daily practice -we make love 7 days a week.

We do have some trust issues - in the beginning she hooked up with a few men and lied about it for6 months. She finally came clean when I threatened to break it off. It took many months of effort on both our parts to rebuild trust.

About a year ago she had an accident - zipped her clit in her pants (yep, ouch!). Took about 3 months to heal. When it did, she was uncomfortable with me touching or licking her. Until that stage, I could bring an orgasm from her clit with a slight touch or flick of the tongue. But after, every time I'd touch her she'd squirm uncomfortably. Sometimes she's able to set aside her issues but most often she just wants one or two positions angd is no longer adventurous.

We'd always played with porn together a bit and I learned about 18 months ago she was watching it on her own. Further investigation revealed she was actually watching some really hard core porn once a week. I had no problem with it but it didn't jibe with her story of her clit being too sensitive.

I started using porn myself as the sex was getting vanilla - I shared this with her and that's when **** went sideways. She got pissed off and told me I was wasting my seed and didn't want me masticating to porn without her. I confronted her about her porn use and she lied. This created a deeper division between us. She continues to watch porn and use her vibrator and lies about it -- and now she even says she doesn't even use the vibrator. I know for a fact it's a lie as she leaves soaking wet towels around and her internet history tells a different story.

I do everything to keep things fresh. I take her on surprise dates, dinners, parties. I make her laugh, am naturally funny/****y/ I fix stuff around the house, take her on vacations, etc. She's constantly telling me how in love she is with me so on the surface, one would think we are good. However, the sex has gotten really vanilla. I'm barely ever aloud to touch her or do anything beside penetration. She just wants 1-2 positions of penetration and gives the occasional blowjob. I've tried to get her to open up and experiment, try B&D, role playing, etc. She's not interested and she won't admit there's a problem.

Just recently she's been saying that there's to much pressure for it be a certain way and as a result she shuts down. What is hard for me is that "certain way" is great versus what we have now which is mediocre. She seems fine with that but I'm not.

I've asked her to bring her masturbation to the bedroom like I have and yet she will no longer self pleasure with me in the room (she used to do it regularly). She does have vaginal orgasms but they are not like the old days and she seems bored and uninterested. She claims that it's too uncomfortable with me there now.

Recently she got some psoriasis on her labia. She legitimately said she was going to take a break to let it heal. But then she continued to Use her vibrator despite her skin issue....clearly she was using it as an excuse

I don't know what to do. I want our old life back. I don't want to confront her because I'm afraid she'll feel ashamed and retreat deeper into herself. I want her to open up - but I also need to get her to tell me the truth. If she's lying about porn and masturbating, how do I know she's not secretly boinking someone else and lying about that too?

Also, I really don't like the double standard that she expects me to save myself for our mediocre lovemaking but then she gets to use her vibrator (and lie about it).

What to do?
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post #2 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 12:48 AM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

How the hell did she manage to zip her clit in her pants? Ouch! Never mind, I don't want to know...

Sadly, I have no advice... I wonder if perhaps she's become addicted to the porn? I've seen women on here writing about their husbands becoming addicted to porn and using it to replace intimacy in their marriage, displaying similar behavior to that of your wife.

The double standard is certainly a problem, as is the lying about her own habits, in addition to everything else.

I experienced a very similar thing with my XH... there was nothing I was able to do to fix it. You have my sympathies, man--I hope someone here can offer you some good advice.

How is the rest of your relationship? Many times, problems in the bedroom are really symptomatic of other problems in the marriage. Is there any chance that she's getting some strange on the side? And saving the best for the other guy? If she is, she may feel like she's cheating on him when she has sex with you, hence the less frequent and meh quality sex, and her now feeling that she is "uncomfortable" masturbating in front of you.

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post #3 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 12:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

I don't think it's a porn addiction. She only masturbates 1-4 x a month that I can tell. She's rarely alone in the house and I work from home.

The rest of the relationship is mixed. We have ups and downs. There our court trust issues. I don't trust her because of cheating and she doesn't trust me because of the snooping. We both are trying and there is still deep connection, love and laughs. But also tons of anxiety and heartache. We also have massive communication issues. I walk on eggshells a lot and when I try Toby talk about my feelings or ask her about things she's doing that are suspicious to me, she flips out and we end up in a fight. I do see both sides...she thinks I believe she's cheating or sneaking around and as a result she's defensive.

Is she seeing someone and saving the best for them? I honestly don't know. There are signs. She's a fitness instructor and there are many hours in her day unaccounted for. She says she likes to "wander" -- so on a given Tuesday she may go to the beach for al one walk, the gym, a yoga class and suddenly 6 hours are gone. When I question her she gets very defensive. Then there are sexy clothes in her trunk that have never been in the house..I've never seen them. She's hyper protective of her phone and claims she has snap chat to make funny pictures. I walked in on her taking a semi nude selfie the other day and she got embarrassed...said it was an art project. Then when confronted she got very defensive.

We do make love 6-7 days a week so I do feel if she had some side ass that she would cut our frequency down.
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post #4 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 12:21 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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Originally Posted by Calidad1 View Post
Is she seeing someone and saving the best for them? I honestly don't know. There are signs. She's a fitness instructor and there are many hours in her day unaccounted for. She says she likes to "wander" -- so on a given Tuesday she may go to the beach for al one walk, the gym, a yoga class and suddenly 6 hours are gone. When I question her she gets very defensive. Then there are sexy clothes in her trunk that have never been in the house..I've never seen them. She's hyper protective of her phone and claims she has snap chat to make funny pictures. I walked in on her taking a semi nude selfie the other day and she got embarrassed...said it was an art project. Then when confronted she got very defensive.

We do make love 6-7 days a week so I do feel if she had some side ass that she would cut our frequency down.
This is all very suspicious. VERY suspicious. I hate to say it, but all this stuff, combined with her previous history... indicates that she is likely stepping out on you. Some cheaters maintain frequency of sex with their spouses to a) throw them off the trail, or b) in some cases, cheating makes them even hornier, so they want MORE sex with their spouse. Weird, right?

At any rate, you need to get to the bottom of it. You need to either rule out cheating, or find out if she is.

First off, don't panic. Don't let her know that you suspect anything, act just the way you always have. If she thinks you suspect her, it will drive the cheating further underground, and she will be harder to catch. Read this post for more info on how you can gather the evidence that you need: Standard Evidence Post

If there isn't any evidence, she is either very tricky or she isn't having an affair. But she's already been sloppy with leaving the clothes where you could find them, take semi-nude photos when you could walk in on her. So I think the proof will be easy to find. As protective as she is of her phone, I would lay odds that the evidence is on her phone.

Don't confront until you have documented all the evidence/have copies in a safe place where she cannot access it. And before you confront, you should already know what your next plan steps are.

Good luck.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #5 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 12:34 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Yeah, she's cheating. Very obvious.
Just break up. Save some dignity.
It's clear she no longer wants you sexually, probably not for anything else.
Lots of women out there. No reason to be overly upset. She's not your wife.
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post #6 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 12:36 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Art project? Hell,she doesn't even care enough to lie well, or she's an idiot. You choose which.
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post #7 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 12:36 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calidad1 View Post
My partner and I have a complex relationship. We study Tantra and the first 18 months were unbelievable. Best sex ever for both of us. Super hot, kinky, open, experimental and to the stage where we literally were sharing orgasms. Since then we've had a daily practice -we make love 7 days a week.

We do have some trust issues - in the beginning she hooked up with a few men and lied about it for6 months. She finally came clean when I threatened to break it off. It took many months of effort on both our parts to rebuild trust.

About a year ago she had an accident - zipped her clit in her pants (yep, ouch!). Took about 3 months to heal. When it did, she was uncomfortable with me touching or licking her. Until that stage, I could bring an orgasm from her clit with a slight touch or flick of the tongue. But after, every time I'd touch her she'd squirm uncomfortably. Sometimes she's able to set aside her issues but most often she just wants one or two positions angd is no longer adventurous.

We'd always played with porn together a bit and I learned about 18 months ago she was watching it on her own. Further investigation revealed she was actually watching some really hard core porn once a week. I had no problem with it but it didn't jibe with her story of her clit being too sensitive.

I started using porn myself as the sex was getting vanilla - I shared this with her and that's when **** went sideways. She got pissed off and told me I was wasting my seed and didn't want me masticating to porn without her. I confronted her about her porn use and she lied. This created a deeper division between us. She continues to watch porn and use her vibrator and lies about it -- and now she even says she doesn't even use the vibrator. I know for a fact it's a lie as she leaves soaking wet towels around and her internet history tells a different story.

I do everything to keep things fresh. I take her on surprise dates, dinners, parties. I make her laugh, am naturally funny/****y/ I fix stuff around the house, take her on vacations, etc. She's constantly telling me how in love she is with me so on the surface, one would think we are good. However, the sex has gotten really vanilla. I'm barely ever aloud to touch her or do anything beside penetration. She just wants 1-2 positions of penetration and gives the occasional blowjob. I've tried to get her to open up and experiment, try B&D, role playing, etc. She's not interested and she won't admit there's a problem.

Just recently she's been saying that there's to much pressure for it be a certain way and as a result she shuts down. What is hard for me is that "certain way" is great versus what we have now which is mediocre. She seems fine with that but I'm not.

I've asked her to bring her masturbation to the bedroom like I have and yet she will no longer self pleasure with me in the room (she used to do it regularly). She does have vaginal orgasms but they are not like the old days and she seems bored and uninterested. She claims that it's too uncomfortable with me there now.

Recently she got some psoriasis on her labia. She legitimately said she was going to take a break to let it heal. But then she continued to Use her vibrator despite her skin issue....clearly she was using it as an excuse

I don't know what to do. I want our old life back. I don't want to confront her because I'm afraid she'll feel ashamed and retreat deeper into herself. I want her to open up - but I also need to get her to tell me the truth. If she's lying about porn and masturbating, how do I know she's not secretly boinking someone else and lying about that too?

Also, I really don't like the double standard that she expects me to save myself for our mediocre lovemaking but then she gets to use her vibrator (and lie about it).

What to do?

Buy her this and leave it on her side of the bed as a surprise.

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post #8 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
Buy her this and leave it on her side of the bed as a surprise.

Home - Magic Wand Original - the Magic Wand Massager
Why waste the money on a woman who doesn't deserve it? If she wants a wand, she can spend her own damn money. Or get her AP to buy her one.

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post #9 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 01:04 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Sounds like she looks at sex with you as ''pressure to be a certain way'' and work, sadly. That is why she prefers masturbating and porn, because it doesn't require intimacy. It's intimacy that she seems afraid of, not actual sex. If it were actual orgasms/sex, then she wouldn't masturbate or view porn at all. So, maybe get to the heart of why she doesn't want to be intimate with you, and go from there?

''Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time.'' - Unknown
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post #10 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 01:15 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Why waste the money on a woman who doesn't deserve it? If she wants a wand, she can spend her own damn money. Or get her AP to buy her one.

Nice and refreshing to hear that.

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post #11 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 01:26 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calidad1 View Post
My partner and I have a complex relationship. We study Tantra and the first 18 months were unbelievable. Best sex ever for both of us. Super hot, kinky, open, experimental and to the stage where we literally were sharing orgasms. Since then we've had a daily practice -we make love 7 days a week.

We do have some trust issues - in the beginning she hooked up with a few men and lied about it for6 months. She finally came clean when I threatened to break it off. It took many months of effort on both our parts to rebuild trust.

About a year ago she had an accident - zipped her clit in her pants (yep, ouch!). Took about 3 months to heal. When it did, she was uncomfortable with me touching or licking her. Until that stage, I could bring an orgasm from her clit with a slight touch or flick of the tongue. But after, every time I'd touch her she'd squirm uncomfortably. Sometimes she's able to set aside her issues but most often she just wants one or two positions angd is no longer adventurous.

We'd always played with porn together a bit and I learned about 18 months ago she was watching it on her own. Further investigation revealed she was actually watching some really hard core porn once a week. I had no problem with it but it didn't jibe with her story of her clit being too sensitive.

I started using porn myself as the sex was getting vanilla - I shared this with her and that's when **** went sideways. She got pissed off and told me I was wasting my seed and didn't want me masticating to porn without her. I confronted her about her porn use and she lied. This created a deeper division between us. She continues to watch porn and use her vibrator and lies about it -- and now she even says she doesn't even use the vibrator. I know for a fact it's a lie as she leaves soaking wet towels around and her internet history tells a different story.

I do everything to keep things fresh. I take her on surprise dates, dinners, parties. I make her laugh, am naturally funny/****y/ I fix stuff around the house, take her on vacations, etc. She's constantly telling me how in love she is with me so on the surface, one would think we are good. However, the sex has gotten really vanilla. I'm barely ever aloud to touch her or do anything beside penetration. She just wants 1-2 positions of penetration and gives the occasional blowjob. I've tried to get her to open up and experiment, try B&D, role playing, etc. She's not interested and she won't admit there's a problem.

Just recently she's been saying that there's to much pressure for it be a certain way and as a result she shuts down. What is hard for me is that "certain way" is great versus what we have now which is mediocre. She seems fine with that but I'm not.

I've asked her to bring her masturbation to the bedroom like I have and yet she will no longer self pleasure with me in the room (she used to do it regularly). She does have vaginal orgasms but they are not like the old days and she seems bored and uninterested. She claims that it's too uncomfortable with me there now.

Recently she got some psoriasis on her labia. She legitimately said she was going to take a break to let it heal. But then she continued to Use her vibrator despite her skin issue....clearly she was using it as an excuse

I don't know what to do. I want our old life back. I don't want to confront her because I'm afraid she'll feel ashamed and retreat deeper into herself. I want her to open up - but I also need to get her to tell me the truth. If she's lying about porn and masturbating, how do I know she's not secretly boinking someone else and lying about that too?

Also, I really don't like the double standard that she expects me to save myself for our mediocre lovemaking but then she gets to use her vibrator (and lie about it).

What to do?
My guess? Her former PIV orgasms were a lie. She was faking it.

She can get off with masturbation. Initially, she thought you were inadequate, hence the hook-ups with other men, trying other fresh flesh-sticks on for size, fit and action.

She was desperately trying to find her groove. For any man to properly pleasure her groove, for any man to man-handle it into sexual submission leading to the big O.

The other guys had no better luck in getting her off than you did. That is a lucky thing for you. Unlucky for her.

As far as her clitoris getting caught in her zipper? That is total BS. She flogged that thing mercilessly. She beat the poor sweet thing so hard, it is red, chafed and a sorry sight to behold.

She told you these things to get you away from the truth. She knew when you were poking your nose down there it would it stick out like a sore thumb. That is because the little thing is sore.

She gives you vanilla sex to keep you satisfied. She will empty your sack but not with relish.

She is not having a good time with reality. She has a high sex drive. She LOVES sex, loves getting off, but cannot do it going PIV.

She can get off using porn and much hand and vibrator [other tools?] action. But her aftermath "state of flesh" is painful.

Her sweet clit is being abused. Do not call in Child Protective Services.

Let her know that you are aware of her pre-dikament. Let her know that you will work with her in any way that you can.

Let yourself know that this generosity and love may not be returned....returned inkind...in kind ways.

You may have to move on. Sexual issues grow way out proportion; at first slowly and then later on, they race down hill to the separating terrain below.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #12 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

I'm not buying the clit injury story at all! She would have to have a very large clit with almost no clit hood covering it, which is unusual, AND she would have to be zipping her pants while her pelvis is tilted forward and while that jibes with super tight pants it doesn't jibe with accidental clit injury.

Also, you said she is watching extreme porn? What kind of porn?

Did you ever see this injuries clit? Does her clit stick out from her labia to such an extent that she caught it in a zipper?

Either this story is false or your GF's story is false.

Pick one.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #13 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 03:46 PM
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

I own a gym and I have over fifty female employees,all fit young women with great bodies and confidence to match.They talk about sex the way men talk about football.There is no way these girls would suddenly stop having sex,they work too hard on their bodies for that to happen.
If your girlfriend is not having sex with you,she is having it wth someone else.
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post #14 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 10:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Thanks Diedre,

Yes makes sense. We used to eye gaze and share breath and now days her eyes are closed and head turned. She rarely kisses during the act.

She blames the intimacy issues on the fact that she caught me snooping 6 months ago. She says she doesn't want to be "seen". Frankly I think there's more to her story with other men than she's let on. When we go deep, i feel it opens her up and she feels guilt for cheating and lying. Maybe it's both...or neither. 🙄Hard to say for sure.

I can re approach from a place of empathy. She just this weekend gave herself some private time when I was out (I know thanks to browser history). Maybe it's a good time to dive deeper into why she has such a hard time with intimacy and what can we do to solve it? Any advice on how to broach the subject?

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
Sounds like she looks at sex with you as ''pressure to be a certain way'' and work, sadly. That is why she prefers masturbating and porn, because it doesn't require intimacy. It's intimacy that she seems afraid of, not actual sex. If it were actual orgasms/sex, then she wouldn't masturbate or view porn at all. So, maybe get to the heart of why she doesn't want to be intimate with you, and go from there?
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post #15 of 58 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 10:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife lying about porn/ vibrator -advice?

Thanks Fem,

Question is how? She has private clients during the day and at night and if she is ****ign around it will be very difficult to catch unless I follow her around for a week.

My gut actually says she's not cheating now. But that she has more to confess about our past. The clothes and the selfie are def red flags. She busted me for snooping 8 months ago so I'm sure the phone is clean. She may be using Snapchat which has no chat record.

If I were to confront just to ask about these things that are bothering me, what's the best way to approach the subject?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
This is all very suspicious. VERY suspicious. I hate to say it, but all this stuff, combined with her previous history... indicates that she is likely stepping out on you. Some cheaters maintain frequency of sex with their spouses to a) throw them off the trail, or b) in some cases, cheating makes them even hornier, so they want MORE sex with their spouse. Weird, right?

At any rate, you need to get to the bottom of it. You need to either rule out cheating, or find out if she is.

First off, don't panic. Don't let her know that you suspect anything, act just the way you always have. If she thinks you suspect her, it will drive the cheating further underground, and she will be harder to catch. Read this post for more info on how you can gather the evidence that you need: Standard Evidence Post

If there isn't any evidence, she is either very tricky or she isn't having an affair. But she's already been sloppy with leaving the clothes where you could find them, take semi-nude photos when you could walk in on her. So I think the proof will be easy to find. As protective as she is of her phone, I would lay odds that the evidence is on her phone.

Don't confront until you have documented all the evidence/have copies in a safe place where she cannot access it. And before you confront, you should already know what your next plan steps are.

Good luck.
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