My wife thinks sex is dirty - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

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I find it strange that all of a sudden this is an issue after being together for 17 years. I'm sorry if I am being insensitive but I think she's using her mother issues as a crutch or reason not to have sex with you.

Is your relationship great otherwise? Are there any other issues? You mentioned she isn't social anymore. I think the sex is just the tip of the iceberg. Is she happy? Do you guys go out together? Any hobbies?

There are always reasons we can use not to do something. And your wife is using this mother issue as an excuse. Whether or not it's legit is regardless of the point that she doesn't seem to care enough to get past it and work on it. And I think that's a reflection of something much bigger going on with her and your relationship.
I agree, if it was due to her mum it would have affected her from the beginning not after 17 years.
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post #17 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

Have to agree with Katiecrna. There is no logical explanation for why this has now all of a sudden become an issue. There is something else's going on.

Something happened to turn your wife off sex, and any physical touch and I am pretty sure she is not telling you the truth and using her mother as an excuse. Could it be a medical issue that is causing pain? How is your wife's weight, did she gained weight around the same time she started not waning to have sex? When I was at my heaviest I avoided sex for the sheer reason that I did not want my husband to see me naked.
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post #18 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

There's nothing you can do about her baggage from the past. If she won't get the professional help she needs so that her past does not unfairly and adversely affect the marriage, you should walk. That is, unless you're OK with masturbating to porn and alone in the shower... for the rest of your married life!
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post #19 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 12:20 PM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

I think one theory worth exploring is that she more than just heard what some of these men did with her mother, but may have been a victim of it herself.

Victims of CSA are often healthy during premarital sex, but then begin to associate their partner no longer being safe once married.

This may also explain her tremendous aversion to IC.

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"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #20 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 12:46 PM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

@farsidejunky

Yup, fear of intimacy, therapy is very intimate and revealing. It ain't for sissies! Fear of intimacy hits once true intimacy is expected, sex is not the same as intimacy.

I think it's perfectly logical from what the OP explained; once they moved in together the sex began to dry up and the playfulness ended. Her daughter was living in the home at the time?

Lasting embarrassment over something perfectly normal but triggered her to feel like a tart, like her mother.

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post #21 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 12:47 PM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

I just keep sitting here weighing this situation. I'm missing a bit of information. Are their children at home? Is there a spare bedroom?

I get that you want to save this. She needs more help than you can provide. She probably needs a sex therapist. I get the feeling that she is interested in solving this.

She has emotional discomfort (pain) at dealing with sex. You have emotional discomfort (pain) at dealing with sexlessness. I see it as a relationship of mutual suffering. The first thing she needs to know in a deep down and honest way is That you are in pain. She can not be motivated to solve her problem by her own needs there fore she needs another reason. There are many women out there who will downplay your suffering and tell her you are just making it up in order to get more sex. Moving into another room on some nights will help overcome this cultural bias. You just have to explain that you are not going there to masturbate or to watch porn. You are going there to escape the pain of having her so close but unapproachable. She has to believe it for it to do her any good.

You on the other hand will get some sleep.
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post #22 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 12:52 PM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

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I agree, if it was due to her mum it would have affected her from the beginning not after 17 years.
Unless the OP's wife has just felt attracted to another man for the first time in her marriage. He mentioned that she cringes at being flirtatious as that is what her mom used to do. It may also be possible that she has socially isolated herself out of fear that she would act on this attraction(s).

But I do agree that 17 years is an awkwardly long time for something of this nature to bubble to the surface and become an insurmountable problem.

I'm also extremely skeptical that the OP insisted that only his wife needed therapy as in, "you are the broken person in this relationship, so you need to fix this!" Odds are BOTH of them require some form of personal development in the marriage to overcome this problem, and one person blaming the other is only making it worse. What is interesting is that she tried but claims that it only makes things worse, and that would be the case in the event that the OP is contributing his own set of problems to the relationship. What those are, we don't know.

Assuming their relationship started around the age of 18 and has spanned 17 years, this puts them at the age of 35 coming up on 40. This coincides with a time that one's AGE finally starts to set in that you are no longer as young as you enjoy envisioning yourself. Thus a mid-life crisis may be setting in and taking a toll as well.

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post #23 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 01:03 PM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

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There are many women out there who will downplay your suffering and tell her you are just making it up in order to get more sex.


But she could also be up playing her issue in order not to have sex. It goes both ways. Except she can play up her issue and if he doesn't believe her than he is an "insensitive jerk". She can manipulate the situation and he can't really do anything about it.

Which is why... the fact that she isn't actively getting help to me is huge. It means she doesn't care how he feels. It's all about her and her needs and she is basically saying he has to be ok with that. That's bullsh*t and not fair to him. She doesn't get to set the standard. Sex twice a year? 4x a year? Come on...that's down right mean to do to someone.
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post #24 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

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Unless the OP's wife has just felt attracted to another man for the first time in her marriage. He mentioned that she cringes at being flirtatious as that is what her mom used to do. It may also be possible that she has socially isolated herself out of fear that she would act on this attraction(s).

But I do agree that 17 years is an awkwardly long time for something of this nature to bubble to the surface and become an insurmountable problem.

I'm also extremely skeptical that the OP insisted that only his wife needed therapy as in, "you are the broken person in this relationship, so you need to fix this!" Odds are BOTH of them require some form of personal development in the marriage to overcome this problem, and one person blaming the other is only making it worse. What is interesting is that she tried but claims that it only makes things worse, and that would be the case in the event that the OP is contributing his own set of problems to the relationship. What those are, we don't know.

Assuming their relationship started around the age of 18 and has spanned 17 years, this puts them at the age of 35 coming up on 40. This coincides with a time that one's AGE finally starts to set in that you are no longer as young as you enjoy envisioning yourself. Thus a mid-life crisis may be setting in and taking a toll as well.

Badsanta
I believe they are older than this. The OP mentioned that his wife's daughter is now a grown woman with small children of her own. So I'm guessing this may be a second marriage, at least for the wife, and they are maybe in their 50s, or late 40s at the youngest.

I agree that BOTH the OP and his wife should be in counseling, together, combined with IC. While his wife's behavior may be informed by FOO issues or CSA, a decrease in sex in a relationship is usually symptomatic of another problem in the relationship, which either the OP doesn't recognize or isn't telling us. The two of them needs to be in counseling to help them understand what the other is experiencing, and why this is happening, and then the IC to work on their own issues and how they've contributed to the problem.

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post #25 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 01:40 PM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

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This may be one of those situations where she feels as though she has fallen out of love with you, and her "temptations" to enjoy other men flirting with her is redefining her own childhood traumas.

If she went to therapy and it only made it "worse" is because she is unable to accept that she and her mom may be just alike.

If your wife is unable to accept who she is and love herself (desires for other men and all), then she will have to reject those ideas and you lie in bed beside her at night while you have to reject the ideas of being with her. If this is the case it is important to realize that the two of you are experiencing the same amount of pain. Try and get her to talk about it.
OK.

I have been known to stretch, extrapolate, exaggerate , generalize, colorize, analyze, anal-ize, maximize, the truth till y'all go bug eyes.

Butter, Badsanta's opinion is either, way over the top....or spot on.

Me? I think her dutiful performance is winding down. Her show has run its course. She no longer cares, and is likely depressive and has gone from low desire to no desire.

Her desire has flat-lined, as would "go" a soft knoll of dirt on a windy barren plain. Flat, like an old tire, on an old car that nobody cares to drive.

My friend, you had the lady in her prime. And a prime example of frigidity you failed to conquer.

Let the Dear Lady go. She has driven past the last gas station, and her last gasp ration of sex be gone.... from your grasp and from your loving grope.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #26 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
But she could also be up playing her issue in order not to have sex. It goes both ways. Except she can play up her issue and if he doesn't believe her than he is an "insensitive jerk". She can manipulate the situation and he can't really do anything about it.

Which is why... the fact that she isn't actively getting help to me is huge. It means she doesn't care how he feels. It's all about her and her needs and she is basically saying he has to be ok with that. That's bullsh*t and not fair to him. She doesn't get to set the standard. Sex twice a year? 4x a year? Come on...that's down right mean to do to someone.
OK, if an opportunity for sex were to be viewed as a game of chess between the OP and his wife, here are the moves he should make.

Assume he will be labeled an "insensitive jerk" and own it. Perhaps he should claim that lack of sex makes him very irritable to a point where he has little or no patience for whatever problems she thinks they have, and that if he does not get more sex it will only make everything worse. He can claim that he hates to be such an "insensitive jerk" and that he really needs her help to work on that. ...if she gets upset, he can take all the blame as if everything is caused by his problem of being too insensitive for too long and just reiterate that he needs her help. He can continue being an insensitive jerk to any and all forms of help that she suggests other than sex, because after all he is an insensitive jerk.

This will work because:

A) He can now take the blame for ALL their problems and claim there is NOTHING wrong with her. Even if she wants to take the blame, they can fight for it as opposed to blaming each other. This will reverse the dynamic of most arguments up to this point.

B) He is asking for her help, even if he has to do so in a way of assuming all the blame. Insisting on more sex is one thing, but asking for her help to stop from being an insensitive jerk in the relationship is something completely different!
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post #27 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 02:20 PM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
I agree that BOTH the OP and his wife should be in counseling, together, combined with IC. While his wife's behavior may be informed by FOO issues or CSA, a decrease in sex in a relationship is usually symptomatic of another problem in the relationship, which either the OP doesn't recognize or isn't telling us. The two of them needs to be in counseling to help them understand what the other is experiencing, and why this is happening, and then the IC to work on their own issues and how they've contributed to the problem.
Why can't problems result in more sex? I mean, I know the answer, but when you consider that human sexuality does not like playing by a set of democratic rules (too predictable, too needy, too entitled) in favor of something pushing our boundaries into the chaotic unknown, it would seem as though at least some problems should manifest themselves as a repeated sexual BINGO combination of sexual angst and release!

Perhaps it always does, but only a few learn to appreciate and harness it into something enjoyable.

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post #28 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 05:14 PM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
OK, if an opportunity for sex were to be viewed as a game of chess between the OP and his wife, here are the moves he should make.



Assume he will be labeled an "insensitive jerk" and own it. Perhaps he should claim that lack of sex makes him very irritable to a point where he has little or no patience for whatever problems she thinks they have, and that if he does not get more sex it will only make everything worse. He can claim that he hates to be such an "insensitive jerk" and that he really needs her help to work on that. ...if she gets upset, he can take all the blame as if everything is caused by his problem of being too insensitive for too long and just reiterate that he needs her help. He can continue being an insensitive jerk to any and all forms of help that she suggests other than sex, because after all he is an insensitive jerk.



This will work because:



A) He can now take the blame for ALL their problems and claim there is NOTHING wrong with her. Even if she wants to take the blame, they can fight for it as opposed to blaming each other. This will reverse the dynamic of most arguments up to this point.



B) He is asking for her help, even if he has to do so in a way of assuming all the blame. Insisting on more sex is one thing, but asking for her help to stop from being an insensitive jerk in the relationship is something completely different!


I agree 100%. He needs to take control of his life and get his needs met.

Honey, I love you so much. And I understand you think sex is dirty and had issues in the past that effect your view on sex. But I am a man, and I am very sexually attracted to you, and sex is very important to me. I feel unloved, and rejected when you deny me sex. And it's starting to affect my overall happiness and our relationship. I don't feel connected to you when we don't have sex. I am willing to do anything to help you fix your issue/low desire. But sex can only be fulfilled by one person, and that's you. I don't want to be selfish but sex is a want, desire, and need for me.

Try that OP
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post #29 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 05:20 PM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I find it strange that all of a sudden this is an issue after being together for 17 years. I'm sorry if I am being insensitive but I think she's using her mother issues as a crutch or reason not to have sex with you.

Is your relationship great otherwise? Are there any other issues? You mentioned she isn't social anymore. I think the sex is just the tip of the iceberg. Is she happy? Do you guys go out together? Any hobbies?

There are always reasons we can use not to do something. And your wife is using this mother issue as an excuse. Whether or not it's legit is regardless of the point that she doesn't seem to care enough to get past it and work on it. And I think that's a reflection of something much bigger going on with her and your relationship.
This x 1000.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #30 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 06:45 PM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

Couple of things that helped my wife.

Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife *** this link really opened my wife's eyes

New to this blog? Start here. - The Forgiven Wife

Forgive Wife also has some links that talk about her husband's hurt. I find reading some of her articles help me understand my wife a little better.

The author of this book overcame a lot of abuse and now holds workshops for women with sexual hangups.
Official Site for Shannon Ethridge Ministries The Sexually Confident Wife - Official Site for Shannon Ethridge Ministries
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