......I've been happily married for 4 yrs now and we've been to together in total for 17 yrs. in the last 6 yrs our sex life has been becoming less frequent as each year passes to the point it only happened twice last year and only 4 times the year before that.
.......She says she can't even cuddle in case I get excited and want to take things further. What's caused her complete lack of interest and thoughts of 'it's dirty' is as a small girl her mother would bring home different partners regularly and she would her mother having sex and the memory of that. Is has come back to haunt her. Up till 6-7 yrs ago out sex life was good, having sex every 2 weeks or so which I could live with........
My recommendation is that you are in a Sex Starved Marriage, read MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage.
A couple of obvious questions based on the following:
---married for 4 years.
---up until 6-7 years ago the sex life was good.
---in the past 6 years our sex life has been becoming less frequent.
Why did you get married? Did you have some kind of expectation that once she got married, things would magically improve? Did she make any promises, did she state any expectations as to what she felt marriage would be like?
---we've been to together in total for 17 yrs
So you waited 13 years before the two of you got married. When you talked about marriage what were her and what were your expectations that you discussed.....or did you not talk about your future.
One of the things that the sex therapist did that helped my wife and I turn around our Sex Starved Marriage was to have us talk to each other about what we thought a "good marriage" should look like and include. Obviously her mother didn't provide a good role model for what a good marriage should be. Ask her if anyone else in her life had a good marriage and what it included. Tell her about what you feel a good marriage should include.
Understand that you can't change your wife, only she can change herself. MW Davis has lots of good advice, get her book and read it carefully. If you study it and look closely at yourself, you will probably find that you are part of the problem. Once you figure out your role in the problem, then you can work on changing that. Once you change yourself, then you can tell her your needs and let her decide whether or not she wants to change herself or not.