My wife thinks sex is dirty - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 07:12 AM Thread Starter
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My wife thinks sex is dirty

This is very first time using a forum for help but I've just out of ideas.
I've been happily married for 4 yrs now and we've been to together in total for 17 yrs. in the last 6 yrs our sex life has been becoming less frequent as each year passes to the point it only happened twice last year and only 4 times the year before that. We've had many a argument over the subject and I suggested she go and talk to a professional which she did and she came back and said it only made things worse. Im struggling like I've never known before with general unhappiness, most of the time I can put it aside and just carry on. It at the point now where I sleep on the edge of the bed to help keep temptations away from touching because I've just can't take the rejections of any advances any more.
She says she can't even cuddle in case I get excited and want to take things further. What's caused her complete lack of interest and thoughts of 'it's dirty' is as a small girl her mother would bring home different partners regularly and she would her mother having sex and the memory of that. Is has come back to haunt her. Up till 6-7 yrs ago out sex life was good, having sex every 2 weeks or so which I could live with. I'm at my wits end felling aggressive, angry and just damn miserable. Talking about it to her most of the time causes a heated discussion or arguments which both I hate doing with a passion so I try to avoid it till it comes to a head then the same cycle just goes on every 3 months or so.
I feel terrible having to use adult sites to give the tension release I need and sorting myself out in the shower isn't doing it for me any more. I love my wife and she says she loves me too and I don't want to just walk away. What can I do I'm all out of ideas.
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post #2 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 07:25 AM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

It's not you walking away. She ALREADY did by stopping sex.
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post #3 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 07:31 AM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

if her aversion to sex was caused by her mothers behaviour then why was she happy to have regular sex in the past?

Does she know how desperate you are and that the marriage is at risk? That her ongoing refusal will make it harder for you to avoid temptations?
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post #4 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 07:31 AM
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Cool Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

So sorry to see you enduring all of this! Welcome to TAM!

So what kind of a professional is it that your wife was seeing?

Was she this same way during your courtship phase? With all of those problems/sexual hang-ups of hers, I'd certainly have to recommend a good psychiatrist!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #5 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 07:49 AM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

It's possible for your wife to heal from whatever hang up she has that prevents her from wanting sex. If she was in therapy, why did she stop?

Here is the thing about childhood abuse: it doesn't have to define you. But you have to make that decision and work toward embracing your sexual self.

You can't make her do it.

However, you are not required to stay in a marriage that isn't a marriage. There is nothing wrong with you ending the marriage because your wife refuses to be a wife. If she refuses to work toward healthy sexuality she is refusing to be a wife.

Skip to the chase here. Tell her she has 6 months in which you will not pressure her in the slightest to have sex at all. During those 6 months she should be working toward normal healthy sexual response and understanding your need for a normal healthy sex life with your wife. At the end of the 6 months she needs to be ready to engage in sex, enthusiastically and willingly, at least once a week.

And then be ready to end the marriage.

I would never stay married to someone who refused sex. I don't know why anyone should be expected to stay married when sex happens so rarely.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #6 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 07:51 AM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

Have her watch this video linked below. This really helped me realize that sex is not just sex, especially to a man.

https://youtu.be/Ep2MAx95m20
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post #7 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 07:59 AM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

This may be one of those situations where she feels as though she has fallen out of love with you, and her "temptations" to enjoy other men flirting with her is redefining her own childhood traumas.

If she went to therapy and it only made it "worse" is because she is unable to accept that she and her mom may be just alike.

If your wife is unable to accept who she is and love herself (desires for other men and all), then she will have to reject those ideas and you lie in bed beside her at night while you have to reject the ideas of being with her. If this is the case it is important to realize that the two of you are experiencing the same amount of pain. Try and get her to talk about it.
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post #8 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

You have every right to leave a marriage where there is no sex.

If she is willing to continue with therapy, you should support her and be patient, but if she has decided that she no longer wants sex, you should fell free to leave if you want.

How was your sex life before you got married and early in the marriage? You say every 2-3 weeks which is already very infrequent. Did she seem to enjoy sex then? Do you know why it suddenly got worse?

One bright spot is that she at least admits that she doesn't want sex. Many people who don't want sex will instead make up endless excuses that leave their partners running around in circles trying to fix a nonexistant problem.
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post #9 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 10:42 AM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

Once every 2 weeks? Fawk that. Move on.
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post #10 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 10:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

Before the problem really became a issue our sex lives where really good. What I see is that most couples seem to engage in sex more than once a week. Before we lived together we only saw each other at weekends as we lived a hours drive away from each other and we would have sex every weekend more than once. Once we moved in together it became once a week then to once every other week and that's how it stayed for the next 3 years. I was ok with that and never complained. It was fun and exciting at times. Some times she would send me a message in the day time to get things going for later that evening. She gets embarrassed easily and whilst having a light hearted funny conversation about sex one evening with close friends and her daughter who shares our friendship group, who is now married her self and has small children, her daughter said she had heard us before as her bedroom was next to ours but thought it was funny. My wife is still embarrassed about it and that's where I'm sure her memories as a child hearing her mother with different guys each weekend came back to her. She feels like her mother I'm sure, and she doesn't have much of a relationship with her mother because of so many bad memories.
If you boil it down it's her mother who is to blame for not caring about a young girl hearing and see what was going on. She said she would go down for breakfast in the morning to find video cases of adult material on the dinning table as 12 a year old girl. Now fast farward 30 years and them memories it's seems can no longer be bloked out.
She only went to 2 session with a psychiatrist 1 with one whom didn't seem to be paying attention and the other so she says didn't give any descent advise. Talking to strangers about it all digging up old memories made it worse.
It seems that divorce is so easy now. I'm a believer that a marriage is to be worked for and I'm not willing to throw it away just like that. I still love her and I know she still loves me too. She doesn't socialise very much at all as we share our friendship groups. She cringed at the thought of people flirting as that's what her mother did.
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post #11 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

So your wife was inappropriately sexualized at a very early age. That is actually very easy to heal from, if she wants to. Hell with this new info I'd give her 3 months. She can let it define her, or she can learn to define herself.

For the record, children overhearing their parents having sex is quite common and when handled maturely and supportively it's quite healthy. Children seeing porn can be damaging and now a days with easy porn access a parent should expect their child to see some form of porn before they are mature enough to process it. This is why parents need to be open and informative about sexuality.

When my 17 year old was 11 she told me she had seen porn at her friends house. She told me they watched it together often. I did not expect to have that kind of conversation at age 11!

I explained what sexual arousal was and that it was healthy and normal.
I explained the people like all kinds of images that make them feel aroused and that is also normal.
....Feeling aroused feels good and so it's normal to want to feel aroused.
....Touching herself also feels good and it's normal and healthy to touch herself and I explained masturbation.
I discussed sexual values. Owning her body. Privacy. The right to be and feel respected. The responsibility to respect others, their body and their privacy.

Her face was red through out. At some point I pulled her onto my lap so she didn't feel like I was lecturing her but informing her. Several times she buried her face in my neck and wanted me to stop telling her, maybe I should have. But I didn't because she had seen porn well before she was ready and I was determined that she learn what was healthy and good.

Afterwards, we went out for a milk shake. She talked much more openly about what she saw, she asked more questions, she said she felt guilty every time but it wasn't bad enough to not watch it and she wondered if that was normal.

Your kids are seeing porn whether you admit it or not. Maybe, like me, you thought monitoring computer use and activating parental controls would be enough. But once they walk out that door and go play at a friend's house, you should assume they are seeing porn.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #12 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 11:28 AM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

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Originally Posted by C150249 View Post
It seems that divorce is so easy now. I'm a believer that a marriage is to be worked for and I'm not willing to throw it away just like that. I still love her and I know she still loves me too.
That's a good attitude. If the discussion of sex ends up in a lot of arguments, I would suggest couples counseling instead of just sending her for her own. That way you have a neutral third party that could help to mediate the discussion between the two of you.

Don't anyone chastise me about this, but you need to speak to her in women's language so that she will understand what you are really saying. Don't pursue it from a stance of "I need sex", you have to articulate the why it is important in terms of feelings and emotions (You love the feeling of closeness and intimacy when you all are together). When talking to your wife, you need to be able to explain it to her in terms of how it makes you feel (and I don't mean the physical sensation) when you get rejected and how you miss the bonding you all share by having sex. It can be tough for a guy, but you can do this and perhaps she will see the why of sex for you.

I have made the mistake of not being able to voice my needs effectively and it can make a woman feel like just a sex object, which in turn ruined her sex drive.
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post #13 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 11:31 AM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

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......I've been happily married for 4 yrs now and we've been to together in total for 17 yrs. in the last 6 yrs our sex life has been becoming less frequent as each year passes to the point it only happened twice last year and only 4 times the year before that.

.......She says she can't even cuddle in case I get excited and want to take things further. What's caused her complete lack of interest and thoughts of 'it's dirty' is as a small girl her mother would bring home different partners regularly and she would her mother having sex and the memory of that. Is has come back to haunt her. Up till 6-7 yrs ago out sex life was good, having sex every 2 weeks or so which I could live with........
My recommendation is that you are in a Sex Starved Marriage, read MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage.

A couple of obvious questions based on the following:

---married for 4 years.
---up until 6-7 years ago the sex life was good.
---in the past 6 years our sex life has been becoming less frequent.

Why did you get married? Did you have some kind of expectation that once she got married, things would magically improve? Did she make any promises, did she state any expectations as to what she felt marriage would be like?

---we've been to together in total for 17 yrs

So you waited 13 years before the two of you got married. When you talked about marriage what were her and what were your expectations that you discussed.....or did you not talk about your future.

One of the things that the sex therapist did that helped my wife and I turn around our Sex Starved Marriage was to have us talk to each other about what we thought a "good marriage" should look like and include. Obviously her mother didn't provide a good role model for what a good marriage should be. Ask her if anyone else in her life had a good marriage and what it included. Tell her about what you feel a good marriage should include.

Understand that you can't change your wife, only she can change herself. MW Davis has lots of good advice, get her book and read it carefully. If you study it and look closely at yourself, you will probably find that you are part of the problem. Once you figure out your role in the problem, then you can work on changing that. Once you change yourself, then you can tell her your needs and let her decide whether or not she wants to change herself or not.
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post #14 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 11:34 AM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

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Talking to strangers about it all digging up old memories made it worse.
It seems that divorce is so easy now. I'm a believer that a marriage is to be worked for and I'm not willing to throw it away just like that. I still love her and I know she still loves me too. She doesn't socialise very much at all as we share our friendship groups. She cringed at the thought of people flirting as that's what her mother did.
An example of what you are up against is that reconciling your marriage will likely require your wife to reconcile her relationship with her mother.

Perhaps you can work on one without the other, but the two seemed to be overwhelmingly intertwined.

Why was your mother-in-law so unfaithful to your father-in-law? That seems to be the best place to start, and try to see if you have the same traits as your father-in-law as it relates to that question. Ask your wife what her father could have and should have done differently? Try to do this for her!

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post #15 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 11:39 AM
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Re: My wife thinks sex is dirty

I find it strange that all of a sudden this is an issue after being together for 17 years. I'm sorry if I am being insensitive but I think she's using her mother issues as a crutch or reason not to have sex with you.

Is your relationship great otherwise? Are there any other issues? You mentioned she isn't social anymore. I think the sex is just the tip of the iceberg. Is she happy? Do you guys go out together? Any hobbies?

There are always reasons we can use not to do something. And your wife is using this mother issue as an excuse. Whether or not it's legit is regardless of the point that she doesn't seem to care enough to get past it and work on it. And I think that's a reflection of something much bigger going on with her and your relationship.
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