Dying for a good sex life - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 01:21 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

Unfortunately a lot of men are like this. I guess I don't get the part about him complaining about wanting sex but then not wanting it. Have you asked him why he contradicts himself? I also yearn (actually physically ache) for the same thing. My husband is terrified of intimacy so that just isn't in the cards for me. I would suggest you guys have a heart to heart talk and see what the problem is on his end.


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post #17 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 01:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

We use to have sex in the hospital. It always started organically when we were in bed. Never this... hey wanna have sex? Stuff. We were always affectionate. Sitting on his lap, sitting next to each other. Shower sex. Sex At least 3x a week.
Now he is exhausted. Can't stay awake to even have a conversation with me or watch tv. Sex is rarely organic starting. We have sex probably 3x a month. And it's usually like a conscious effort which is so weird and not natural or sexy.
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post #18 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 01:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Originally Posted by hifromme67 View Post
Unfortunately a lot of men are like this. I guess I don't get the part about him complaining about wanting sex but then not wanting it. Have you asked him why he contradicts himself? I also yearn (actually physically ache) for the same thing. My husband is terrified of intimacy so that just isn't in the cards for me. I would suggest you guys have a heart to heart talk and see what the problem is on his end.


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We have talked about it often. When I ask him why he complains about it, he says Bc he's a man in his 30s and he wants a good sex life. When I ask why doesn't it happen... it's because of work, exhaustion etc. which is a semi lie because he knows he can carve out some time especially on the weekends and make more of an effort. And I've told him this. I have seen no change or effort to do this.
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post #19 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 01:26 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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We use to have sex in the hospital. It always started organically when we were in bed. Never this... hey wanna have sex? Stuff. We were always affectionate. Sitting on his lap, sitting next to each other. Shower sex. Sex At least 3x a week.
Now he is exhausted. Can't stay awake to even have a conversation with me or watch tv. Sex is rarely organic starting. We have sex probably 3x a month. And it's usually like a conscious effort which is so weird and not natural or sexy.
Given his work schedule, it seems like a conscious effort is what needs to be done, nothing wrong with that.

If his job is the issue (which based on your posts it sounds like that is a big part of the issue i.e. his exhaustion), then you guys need to sit down and decide how things will be in the future. Do you expect things to settle down with his job sooner then later, is this going to be a longer trend, etc...? Mentally, having a great sex life sounds ideal to him, but physically it seems to be a completely different story.
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post #20 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 01:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

Maybe I'll purposefully try to have sex with him more often even when i know he can't because he's too tired. Maybe this will make him feel bad and make him realize my needs aren't being met and he has to do a better job.

I never try to have sex with him when I know he can't, obviously that's the nice thing to do. But now... I need a new tactic.
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post #21 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

I feel I'm in a similar boat as the OP except I'm a man. My SO rarely pursues me (maybe once a month), I get shot down for sex probably 90% of the time. It's gotten to the point where I'm just unplugged. She talks about how her last husband cheated on her but he never told her the relationship was toxic to give her a chance to fix it. When I tell her what I need, instead of listening to me, she flips it and makes it about her. Says it makes her feel like she isn't good enough because I want it more than once a month (3x-4x a week is my need level). I do everything for her and I'm always there when she needs me, when she is hurting, or is overwhelmed by something. I continually take on more and more to alleviate what stresses her, but then I'm left out in the cold. I want pursued. I want desired. I want chased some. I want complimented now and then.
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post #22 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 02:48 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Like I literally just offered to drive up to the hospital so we can have an afternoon delight in the on call room because I know he will be operating all day and late tonight.
That kind of zest is always worthy fun... don't lose that in you.

I remember reading somewhere about a wife who was in your position who's husband turned her down too often and she told him he got one chance from now on when she initiated, and she initiated often. If he turned her down she went on to pleasure herself right there next to him, and quite enthusiastically at that. It seems he got interested after all but she wouldn't let him touch her while she finished with a fairly wild climax. He was pretty upset over it but she held firm that his rejection pretty much ended his involvement so he needed to think twice next time he decided not to participate in active lovin' time. I believe he chose a different approach from then on but who knows how often such a success rate is, but I do know it works both ways (M/F)... I've been known to run with scissors from time to time at home too and with the scars to prove it, but at least I run with a more humble spirit these days when change is desired.

I agree with @SunCMars... don't lose that passion, even if you cannot share it for the moment.
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post #23 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:10 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I think what sends me over the edge isn't the fact that he's so tired, or we don't have sex that often but the fact that he has the audacity to complain about it. This just causes something to boil up inside me and I have to make an effort not to be a ***** and put him in his place. Which is to remind him that he's the reason we're not having sex.
Maybe the seriousness of your discontent hasn't been heard due to the bolder.

Honey, the man needs a wake up call and then he needs to have an alarm go off with regularity.

I don't know if you have kids yet but his lack of effort will only get worse if it isn't stopped in a decisive way.

Do not go passively into a dead marriage bed.

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post #24 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:23 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Me too.


Me three
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post #25 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

He is a doctor working an exhausting schedule. There may be no end to this until he retires in 30 or 40 years. He wants more sex. But in a passive sense. Kinda like I would like to win the lottery. Doesn't mean I buy any tickets, but I sure would like to win. Doctors work very hard for a very long time. That is one of the reasons they earn big bucks. Very hard to separate the big bucks from being on call, working long hours, covering for colleagues, etc. I know of a woman on another internet forum who is married to a surgeon and has been discussing this exact issue for years.

So I agree with @SunCMars: may be time for you to choose. Your husband may not be physically capable of fulfilling his obligations as a doctor and fulfilling his obligations as a lover. He has made it clear which he prioritizes. Now you have to decide your priorities.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #26 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:12 PM
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Dying for a good sex life

Let's summarize:

He is at the hospital more than he needs to be.

Doesn't want sex with you at home.

Doesn't want you to go to his place of work or have sex with him there.

Has received texts from woman/women during which he snatches the phone and gives a lame excuse after deleting text.

How long have you been on TAM?

The only question i have for you is: Is she a nurse or another resident?

He has another sharpie at work. Don't tell us you haven't thought that or know that.

Keep believing it is him being tired or P-A.

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post #27 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:22 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I said I just offered you my ***** on a platter, I offered to drive the 30-45min drive one way to have sex in a gross on call room in a hospital and then drive the 30-45mins back home
Great line. You should've made the drive anyway. Clearly, there's a disconnect.
I always though people ****ed in gross on-call rooms... sex happens at home. Joking.

My wife dealt with docs for 20yrs in a hospital setting (risk management).
Most docs are narcissistic.
Surgeons are usually worse.
Nurses are opportunistic.
"Flings" are very common... "flings" are a risk management issue.
But, I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new.

I'm a man, I would never turn down *****-on-a-platter, even if I'm in bed, with the flu, 103.8 fever...

Good luck with your quest to get a little...


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post #28 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:23 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
Let's summarize:

He is at the hospital more than he needs to be.

Doesn't want sex with you at home.

Doesn't want you to go to his place of work or have sex with him there.

Has received texts from woman/women during which he snatches the phone and gives a lame excuse after deleting text.

How long have you been on TAM?

The only question i have for you is: Is she a nurse or another resident?

He has another sharpie at work. Don't tell us you haven't thought that or know that.

Keep believing it is him being tired or P-A.

What a horrible way for her to get another life.

Forced out..... not by a bayonet at her throat... but by DH's wayward phallus at another women's throat.

I hope upon hope...that this is not the case.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #29 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:24 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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He is a doctor working an exhausting schedule. There may be no end to this until he retires in 30 or 40 years. He wants more sex. But in a passive sense. Kinda like I would like to win the lottery. Doesn't mean I buy any tickets, but I sure would like to win. Doctors work very hard for a very long time. That is one of the reasons they earn big bucks. Very hard to separate the big bucks from being on call, working long hours, covering for colleagues, etc. I know of a woman on another internet forum who is married to a surgeon and has been discussing this exact issue for years.

So I agree with @SunCMars: may be time for you to choose. Your husband may not be physically capable of fulfilling his obligations as a doctor and fulfilling his obligations as a lover. He has made it clear which he prioritizes. Now you have to decide your priorities.
Agree, sorry to say.

I've been reading a lot of your posts.

Before my husband and I were married, we dated long distance while he was finishing grad school in another state. It was hard. But, he always made time for us to talk or visit. Then he got to the last two semesters and had to do a very rigorous thesis. He told me as soon as we got serious, actually, that he knew the end of his schooling would be the hardest and most time consuming, and that we would be in touch a lot less during that time. So he definitely gave me a warning. I thought I would be able to handle it. I still wasn't prepared.

Being long distance was hard enough, but he would go days without contacting me. (He would literally work in studio for 72 hours at a time without going home.) He was all consumed by his work. It seemed ridiculous to me that anything on earth could be that all encompassing. Like, you really can't take five minutes to call me? He had appointments to keep and deadlines to meet, and he is a perfectionist so naturally works 10x more than anyone else. I changed over time from trying to be patient and supportive...to feeling distant from him, being frustrated and trying to stay busy on my own. Then I just got angry over time, and then onto feeling like I just wasn't good enough to warrant attention. I came so close to ending the relationship. So close.

Then he graduated when I was on my last straw and came home for good. If he didn't come home when he did, I think our relationship would have ended. I couldn't take it anymore. There was a time when he went out for a meal with his classmates (also working on thesis at the same time) and I remember finding out about it. I was livid. In hindsight it was so stupid to be mad, but I seriously almost let him go over it. I just kept thinking - how dare you make time for them and not me!

I now know from that experience that I am NOT cut out to be a wife to a man who has to be gone all of the time. I knew then that I couldn't be with a doctor, or a military man who would deploy, or anything like that. I have the utmost respect for the spouses in those marriages who hold it down while their husband or wife is out of reach. I just knew I couldn't be one of them. It made me feel selfish and petty to be honest, but at least I learned something about myself.

So - I wanted to say that I respect the position you are in with having to stick it out while he's gone. But, I don't think it's going to change or get better. There is a third "person" in your marriage, and that is his job. You will always have to share him with his job because of the career he has chosen. And it won't be an even sharing either, because when duty calls he will go running to them. I don't have an answer for you, I am just sad for you that you have to live that way.
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post #30 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:29 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Yes I am hating on men right now. But right now you are all stupid and annoying to me.
Ouch! I was going to make a smart comeback, but I got nothing...

My wife and I have friends from college, and he became a lawyer while his wife is a stay at home mom. He works 100 hours a week. I did not even know that was humanly possible but apparently it is standard practice for lawyers seeking to become partners in a big firm. On his average work day he only goes home and sleeps for about 3-4 hours.

I don't know much about healthcare, but the few doctor's I know seem to have almost the same workload somehow.

100/7= average of 14+ hours a day of work nonstop.
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