Dying for a good sex life - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

I understand he will always be busy and I'm ok with that. But being the chief resident at a crazy busy hospital, with one resident short makes him have to make up for that resident that is no longer working there. So being busy is one thing... but this is a whole other level of bush that people don't understand. Even when he's home he will take his calls on speaker phone because all the residents have to go through him because he is chief before they make any decisions.

I work in the same hospital as he does. I see the OR schedule so I know he is not making his schedule up.

The problem is, the hospital employs multiple groups of Ct surgeons with multiple surgeons in each group. The residents are responsible to be with all the surgeons and their patients. So maybe one surgeon only has one case, he gets to go home to his family after. But there are SO many surgeons he has to be with, some of them who for some reason like to operate in the evening. Ahhh it's just beyond frustrating. And it really is abuse of slave labor
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post #32 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Yes I am hating on men right now. But right now you are all stupid and annoying to me.
lol, it's okay. Safe place. Let it out.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #33 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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lol, it's okay. Safe place. Let it out.


Haha thanks! I am so cranky today lol
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post #34 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 05:03 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I get that he works a ton. I'm just tired of it. Everyday it's the same thing with the same outcome.
What I do, has no affect on anything. It doesn't matter if I'm home or not, if I go to bed early or late. If the house is a complete mess or amazingly clean. If I cook dinner or not. Nothing matters. He doesn't complain. Ever. He comes home half asleep, and quickly falls asleep no matter what I do.

He complains about not having enough sex, but does nothing to change it. And I get that he can't help it if he's tired. But every time he says something about sex it drives me insane!!!! Like I literally just offered to drive up to the hospital so we can have an afternoon delight in the on call room because I know he will be operating all day and late tonight. He said that he will be in the OR for the next 4-5hrs. (Not the response I wanted to hear). Then he says to me... if we don't have sex tonight I'm going to go insane. (Which the only reason why we won't have sex is because of him not me!) so I said to him... if you want to have sex tonight then make it happen. And he responds... it goes both ways Katie. Which pissed me off!!' I said I just offered you my ***** on a platter, I offered to drive the 30-45min drive one way to have sex in a gross on call room in a hospital and then drive the 30-45mins back home so don't tell me it goes both ways.
Maybe if I share a little about what my Sex Starved Marriage was like you might better understand.

My wife and I drifted apart emotionally then sexually. My (Chapman's 5 Languages of Love) primary and secondary love languages were touch (not sex, but touch) and words of affirmation or praise. Her's were acts of service and quality time. (The 5th love language is presents.)

For my wife growing up and watching how her mother showed love to her father, it was a hot home cooked meal each evening (act of service) followed by a dinner table discussion (quality time). That to her was what love was. I didn't grow up that way.

When I came home late and dinner was over cooked or she had to eat with just the kids and not me, she would become angry for making her feel "un-loved." Then she would yell at me. Yelling is the opposite of praise or words of affirmation, so she made me feel un-loved. I would then exit the dinner table as quickly as possible and hide in front of the TV, so I wouldn't be yelled at. That made her feel even more unloved as I was denying her "quality time" even if the quality time was her yelling at me.

As a good husband and father I worked harder and later at work so as to be a "good provider." I got promotions and raises so that my wife and family wanted for nothing. I was really doing two things avoiding the battles over dinner and quality time. I was also getting praise from my co-workers, which made be feel loved and special.

Even as we drifted apart we told each other just about every day in our own love languages (that our spouse couldn't understand) that we loved them. I would touch my wife to show her I loved her. She would interpret a hand on her shoulder as my pawing at her to get in her pants. I would tell her how good she was at what she did (praise). She would tell me to stop trying to butter her up to get in her pants.

She was very angry at me and made sure that I was never touched even by accident as we passed in the hall or that I was never praised, even though she didn't know my love languages she knew how to hurt me.

Did I want sex with her? O God yes! She never initiated and regularly rejected me, in incredibly emotionally hurtful ways. I started to stay up late until I knew she would be asleep before I went to bed. I made sure she was exhausted and that I was as well. That prevented her from rejecting me and me from trying to initiate anything so as to avoid rejection.

So yes I really, really wanted to have sex to feel emotionally close to her, but had been emotionally hurt so often by her and her rejections, that I would not let my guard down and actively figured out ways to avoid sex. If she had offered me her "*****" on a platter, I would probably have run for cover fearing an emotional ambush.

I really don't know about the dynamics of your marriage. But in mine, I started to read relationship books. Two I would recommend to you are MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage and Chapman's 5 Languages of love. They and other books helped me better understand the demon dance that my wife and I were doing to each other.

Ultimately, I recognized that I was a big part of the problem and that I could not change my wife or demand her to change. So, I took MW Davis advice and decided to change myself. I did and started to provider her with love in her love languages (which was not sex). We still didn't have sex. I tried doing more housework, but she viewed that not as acts of service, but as doing my fair share of the chores....FINALLY. Ultimately, one morning I got up early made a pot of coffee and decided to bring some back to the bedroom to drink as I woke up. I brought her a cup. THAT SHE viewed as an act of service. We talked in bed as we work up. She viewed that as quality time. I finally understood how I could make her feel loved.

Then I discovered that if I acted as her assistant chef in the kitchen so that she had more time and energy to create more spectacular dinners and that after dinner, I brought her a glass of wine to talk about her day that she would feel loved at the beginning and end of each day. That coupled with the help of a really great sex therapist was how our marriage was saved and we started to have sex again.

Your situation may be different, but I would wager that both you and your H want much of the same things, you just have drifted apart and need to find a set of actions that will bring you toward each other. It will take both of you to save and repair your marriage, but one of you has to start the process. In my case I was the one that figured out the problem first, that I was part of the problem (it is almost always both partners being part of the problem) and so I worked on fixing the part of the marriage that I had control over.

Good luck


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post #35 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 05:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

@Young at Heart
Thank you so much for that post. I really identified myself and my marriage in it. I've been having a very emotional, negative, depressing day today, and I felt hopeless. My husband is not perfect, but my threshold for him has become so low that it's just not fair. I see everything so clearly from my view only. I know he has to do better but he is probably not wanting to try because he always feels like he is letting me down because I make it very clear to him.

Aahhh marriage is hard. I am going to try to be better and stop complaining and I'll try to show him more appreciation. I'm just emotional, and needy and not to be annoying but I really want him. I want to spend time with him, I want to cuddle with him, I just love him a lot and I get so ****ing mad when he comes home upset and exhausted and he just falls asleep. It makes me mad and sad and really disappointed and unhappy because it's all the time, almost everyday. So I get why he doesn't want to come home to that and thus the cycle continues...


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post #36 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 05:49 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I think my husband should be fully conscious and actively do something with me with his full attention.

He should be affectionate. If he wants to have sex, show me don't tell me. Act like we're dating and your trying to sleep with me. What ever happened to men putting the moves on their women? That's for people dating only??? Is it me or are men becoming lazier and lazier when they want to have sex? I mean honestly. Hey honey do you want to have sex tonight? That doesn't cut it! No? Ok I'll just get back to my video games and I'll master-bate in the shower later.

Ahh I'm annoyed.
That's true unfortunately. Men don't try anymore....and let me tell you this...not even when they're dating. I see men around me that when they start dating the girl they've been thinking about...they don't try as hard as they used to before dating her.

Also, to make matters worse...sometimes they don't even pursue, flirt, follow, pay to attention to women anymore. And even if they don't get sex from a certain woman...they simply don't care [probably because they know they might get it somewhere else.]

It hurts even more when your husband stops trying, not because of you, but because he's too lazy to even think about trying...let alone get in the action.

It makes you feel like he thinks you're not worth trying...[that's how I'd feel. I mean, I don't wanna make you feel bad hun, it's just that from the way you're describing his behavior...that's the impression I get..and I'm so sorry for that.]

He needs a wake up call hun. Please, find a time during the weekend to make a re-evaluation of your marriage so far and actually have THE TALK with him. Sit him down, talk quietly and frankly. His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #37 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 05:58 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Aahhh marriage is hard. I am going to try to be better and stop complaining and I'll try to show him more appreciation. I'm just emotional, and needy and not to be annoying but I really want him. I want to spend time with him, I want to cuddle with him, I just love him a lot and I get so f*cking mad when he comes home upset and exhausted and he just falls asleep. It makes me mad and sad and really disappointed and unhappy because it's all the time, almost everyday. So I get why he doesn't want to come home to that and thus the cycle continues...
Alright, so things aren't good, and as you acknowledge, you guys are caught in a cycle which can't be all that healthy for your marriage. So the question is, what is it going to take to change it? What if things with his job don't change for the next 1, 2, 5 yrs or longer? I get the frustration, but what is the next step?
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post #38 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 06:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Alright, so things aren't good, and as you acknowledge, you guys are caught in a cycle which can't be all that healthy for your marriage. So the question is, what is it going to take to change it? What if things with his job don't change for the next 1, 2, 5 yrs or longer? I get the frustration, but what is the next step?


Well his residency is done in june, so his hours will be better for sure.

I also know I can't force him to change, so working on my issues is the best thing I can do and In pursuit of that I hope to be happier, and inspire him to change.
One issue that I have is that I create a unhealthy social life for myself. I isolate myself. I don't make friends or don't hang out with friends. So my husband is it, which is why I think when he upsets me, it's magnitude is blown out of proportion because there is nothing else in my world If that makes sense.
Balancing a social life has always been very hard for me. I'm very task oriented and have always been working toward something and I use that as an excuse not to hang it with people and socialize. Like right now... my excuse is im studying for my boards. I'm going to sign up for a class like yoga, or something and at least try to socialize.

Right now I am unhappy in a lot of areas in my life and I think I'm putting that unhappiness on my husbands shoulders and I know that's not fair.

So I'm going to work on my life and my **** right now. And of course I'll be on here venting and *****ing when I need an outlet


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post #39 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 06:56 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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That's true unfortunately. Men don't try anymore....and let me tell you this...not even when they're dating. I see men around me that when they start dating the girl they've been thinking about...they don't try as hard as they used to before dating her.

Also, to make matters worse...sometimes they don't even pursue, flirt, follow, pay to attention to women anymore. And even if they don't get sex from a certain woman...they simply don't care [probably because they know they might get it somewhere else.
EDIT* The places you're hanging around attract the wrong men...

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post #40 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:20 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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........I've been having a very emotional, negative, depressing day today, and I felt hopeless. My husband is not perfect, but my threshold for him has become so low that it's just not fair. I see everything so clearly from my view only. I know he has to do better but he is probably not wanting to try because he always feels like he is letting me down because I make it very clear to him.

Aahhh marriage is hard. I am going to try to be better and stop complaining and I'll try to show him more appreciation. I'm just emotional, and needy and not to be annoying but I really want him. I want to spend time with him, I want to cuddle with him, I just love him a lot and I get so ****ing mad when he comes home upset and exhausted and he just falls asleep. It makes me mad and sad and really disappointed and unhappy because it's all the time, almost everyday. So I get why he doesn't want to come home to that and thus the cycle continues...
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Well his residency is done in june, so his hours will be better for sure.

I also know I can't force him to change, so working on my issues is the best thing I can do and In pursuit of that I hope to be happier, and inspire him to change.
One issue that I have is that I create a unhealthy social life for myself. I isolate myself. I don't make friends or don't hang out with friends. So my husband is it, which is why I think when he upsets me, it's magnitude is blown out of proportion because there is nothing else in my world If that makes sense.
Balancing a social life has always been very hard for me. I'm very task oriented and have always been working toward something and I use that as an excuse not to hang it with people and socialize. Like right now... my excuse is im studying for my boards. I'm going to sign up for a class like yoga, or something and at least try to socialize.

Right now I am unhappy in a lot of areas in my life and I think I'm putting that unhappiness on my husbands shoulders and I know that's not fair.

So I'm going to work on my life and my **** right now. And of course I'll be on here venting and *****ing when I need an outlet
Wow you have so much insight, I think you will figure out what needs to be done to save your marriage and get what you want out of life. You know the issues and you understand what the answers are.

May I again, suggest MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage and Chapmans 5 languages of love. Get them read them, study them.

As to meeting other people and doing things, may I suggest something other than yoga. Part of the MW Davis Get a Life program is to accomplish what you understand. That is to gain confidence, become less clingy, accomplish something you didn't think you could do, find new friends and hobbies, and change your husbands view of the woman he shares a life with.

I strongly suggest that instead of your doing yoga, take up pole dancing, belly dancing, strip tease or something similar. They are all exercise classes that in various communities will be all female and introduce you to new people who actually don't have "perfect bodies." It will force you to confront some of your fears (possible body self image issues), learn to become "playful" around a man and most importantly make your husband look at you much differently. By the end of his residency, maybe if he knows you will have gotten your skills down and be prancing around inside your house without a lot of clothes on, he will look forward to coming home early for a change.

If you just can't do one of those classes, sign up for a massage therapy class or a cosmetology class. Learn how to use make-up to make yourself look spectacular. Learn how to massage a person so your husband will literally melt in your hands.

The point of Getting a Life is to become a better, more self confident you who has fun and new experiences and is the most fascinating person your husband needs. To do that you will need to break your co-dependence on him and your clinglyness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.

The Sex Therapist who helped save my marriage also stressed that I needed to take responsibility for my own sexual happiness until my wife wanted to emotionally and sexually join our marriage. That meant masturbation and not cheating. That allowed my wife to know that I was a sexual being even if she didn't want to be part of my sex life. It also let her know that I was not ashamed of my sexuality. I always told her I wanted her to be part of my sex life even if it was just being next to me and putting her head on my chest or a hand on my shoulder, but then touch is my primary love language and would make me feel much closer to her.

Probably way too much information.

However, I really do think you understand the issues (at least based on what I have experienced). Good luck and be confident, inspire him to change as you change yourself. Blow his mind.

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-22-2017 at 01:27 AM.
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post #41 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 08:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

Thanks @Young at Heart I appreciate your suggestions! I will look into those things for sure
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post #42 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:50 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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That's true unfortunately. Men don't try anymore....and let me tell you this...not even when they're dating. I see men around me that when they start dating the girl they've been thinking about...they don't try as hard as they used to before dating her.
You paint with too broad a brush and you need to meet some better men.
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post #43 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:06 AM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

I have always thought that this is more of a male problem based on millions of online posts by men. However, I have known many men who are only interested in their own pleasure and feel that a wife has a duty to sexually satisfy his wife. If they have an orgasm it is a happy coincidence.

Women have always wanted to have sex with me, not date me, just have sex with me. I found out why many years later. It was because of word of mouth in our town and the local high schools. My wife knew of me and had seen my picture, years before we even met and could not believe that I asked her out on a date, knowing the women I have dated before. The reason is that I always gave them good orgams, even the ones who never had them before outside of masturbation. I enjoy giving sexual pleasure more than receiving it. I also believe that frank communication between the couple is the secret to great sex.

You really need to talk to your husband to find out what he likes and tell him what you like. I have known so many husband and wives who were afraid to tell their spouses about a fantasy or fetish. Some would never even tell their spouse that they were unhappy with their sex life. I consistently bring my wife to orgasm in under 3 minutes because I know exactly what buttons to press and when to press them. She also has multiple orgasms if she can handle them at her age. When we were young her record was 17 orgasms before I even had one. I think it is better when a woman does not have to worry or think about pleasuring the man in bed with them and can focus on just receiving pleasure before giving it.

Of course when you are young just looking at each other can produce an orgasm but once love and sex matures, you need to work in it. My wife and I have tried just about every fetish in the book and some that are not there. If sex got boring we talked about why and then found a new fetish to jump start our marriage. If we got caught up in life and our careers, we would schedule sex nights that were mandatory. Few know that orgasm produce a hormone called Oxytocin which emotionally bonds a couple together. It lasts for about an hour after the orgasm for the guy but a few hours for the woman. It will work even if just touching or holding hands but to a much lesser extent. Even when it gets reabsorbed into your brain, the memory of it lives on and that is why sex partners experience feelings. Sex is one of those things that the more you have it, the more you want it. The less you have it, the less you want it. If you love each other there should be no problem in making sure you have sex at least once a week to get exposure to that hormone that will bind you two together. To give you some idea of Oxytocin's power, it is the same hormone that bounds a mother to her child.

So talk and then schedule sex nights with mandatory attendance, even if you just cuddle at first. One exercise is to find one of those lists of fetishes on the internet. You both mark the ones you might like and those you are willing to try. Then compare the results to see if you can find some sexual fetishes that you are both interested in. At worst you both know what the other likes and can discuss it. It will open the lines of conversation. When I was with a woman who was too shy to tell me what she fantasizes about, I would tell her the most gross and odd things other women have asked me to do with them. That usually makes the woman's fantasy seem tame by comparison.

One last thing that helps is watching each other masturbate. Your husband will learn, if he cares, how you bring yourself to orgasm. Do you need penetration or prefer direct clitoral stimulation? Do you play with your breast/nipples to help yourself orgam? Do you go fast or slow of a combination of both. Then you watch him and make note of what he likes. A great sex life takes work but the results are well worth it. Both my wife and I, and even our girlfriend, have had a sex life much better than we ever imagined. It is outside of the mainstream of marriage but by not boxing ourselves into society's marriage rules, we found a slice of happiness and held on to it for as long as we could.

Communicate. It cannot make your sex life worse.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #44 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:59 AM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

Katie, I've mentioned this before, but my wife and I are physicians and survived residency with our marriage intact. I'm not willing to give him a totally free pass, but you of all people being a CRNA recognize all the hard work and crap your husband puts up with every day. Sure you want him to romance you and sweep you off your feet, but that isn't going to happen with his exhaustion and time constraints. June is not that far away. I do hope he is listening to you and is capable of upping his romantic game once residency is completed.

For now, romance him as best you can. Does he at least make the effort to satisfy you when you do have sex? I still have fond memories of quick encounters with my wife in the on-call room even after 25 years have gone by. Even a quick BJ there might light a spark if you can make that happen.

Hang in there!
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post #45 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 11:24 AM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I work in the same hospital as he does. I see the OR schedule so I know he is not making his schedule up.
@katiecrna I'll share with you something that may help. In my marriage my wife and I have different desires for frequency and that creates problems, but one thing DOES HELP!

Try working together on positive ways to nurture and care for each other's desire during times when sex is NOT an option. So instead of creating anxiety about not having the time or energy to be together, you can channel that into creative ways to let each other know that you care about each other.

OK, your husband complains you are not available enough (even if it is his own fault) and this makes you furious. What if you spent time coaching each other on how to transform those complaints into compliments towards each other. Instead of getting upset, just ask him to describe to you in detail what he wants sexually in the event you two are apart as a way to perhaps have phone sex. In turn, you could perhaps pack him something of yours for him to enjoy thinking about you when he gets a moment.

An example might be to put a steamy love note in his pocket for him to read when he gets a moment alone. He could do the same for you!

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