Dying for a good sex life - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 11:39 AM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I feel I'm in a similar boat as the OP except I'm a man. My SO rarely pursues me (maybe once a month), I get shot down for sex probably 90% of the time. It's gotten to the point where I'm just unplugged. She talks about how her last husband cheated on her but he never told her the relationship was toxic to give her a chance to fix it. When I tell her what I need, instead of listening to me, she flips it and makes it about her. Says it makes her feel like she isn't good enough because I want it more than once a month (3x-4x a week is my need level). I do everything for her and I'm always there when she needs me, when she is hurting, or is overwhelmed by something. I continually take on more and more to alleviate what stresses her, but then I'm left out in the cold. I want pursued. I want desired. I want chased some. I want complimented now and then.
I know exactly how you and the OP feels and am in the same boat with my SO. If she does "pursue" me, it's once a month, even if that. I feel that I am always the one that has to try to initiate it and even when I do, I get shot down and am told no, that she is tired. We have children together, but when she gets home from work, she sits in her chair and that is all she does the rest of the night. She sits all day at her job, Medical Bill Collector, and I work in IT. I jsut wish she would pursue me more and not turn me down for it. Hell the only way I was able to get it for a week straight, was to tell her I wanted it that way for a week due to my birthday coming up.
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post #47 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 12:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Originally Posted by mitchell View Post
Katie, I've mentioned this before, but my wife and I are physicians and survived residency with our marriage intact. I'm not willing to give him a totally free pass, but you of all people being a CRNA recognize all the hard work and crap your husband puts up with every day. Sure you want him to romance you and sweep you off your feet, but that isn't going to happen with his exhaustion and time constraints. June is not that far away. I do hope he is listening to you and is capable of upping his romantic game once residency is completed.



For now, romance him as best you can. Does he at least make the effort to satisfy you when you do have sex? I still have fond memories of quick encounters with my wife in the on-call room even after 25 years have gone by. Even a quick BJ there might light a spark if you can make that happen.



Hang in there!


Thanks for this. Your right I need to cut him some slack. And yes we do have great sex when we have it.
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post #48 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I am dying for a good sex life. I am dying to be pursued, dying for some romance. I am dying for my husband to put forth more effort. There is nothing better than effort!
Right there with you. He'll put the effort in once we're actually naked together but he puts zero effort into building desire. Does your husband do that thing where he's affectionate but it's never sexual affection? That's where I am right now It's sweet but it doesn't get me hot.
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post #49 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:12 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Maybe if I share a little about what my Sex Starved Marriage was like you might better understand.

My wife and I drifted apart emotionally then sexually. My (Chapman's 5 Languages of Love) primary and secondary love languages were touch (not sex, but touch) and words of affirmation or praise. Her's were acts of service and quality time. (The 5th love language is presents.)

For my wife growing up and watching how her mother showed love to her father, it was a hot home cooked meal each evening (act of service) followed by a dinner table discussion (quality time). That to her was what love was. I didn't grow up that way.

When I came home late and dinner was over cooked or she had to eat with just the kids and not me, she would become angry for making her feel "un-loved." Then she would yell at me. Yelling is the opposite of praise or words of affirmation, so she made me feel un-loved. I would then exit the dinner table as quickly as possible and hide in front of the TV, so I wouldn't be yelled at. That made her feel even more unloved as I was denying her "quality time" even if the quality time was her yelling at me.

As a good husband and father I worked harder and later at work so as to be a "good provider." I got promotions and raises so that my wife and family wanted for nothing. I was really doing two things avoiding the battles over dinner and quality time. I was also getting praise from my co-workers, which made be feel loved and special.

Even as we drifted apart we told each other just about every day in our own love languages (that our spouse couldn't understand) that we loved them. I would touch my wife to show her I loved her. She would interpret a hand on her shoulder as my pawing at her to get in her pants. I would tell her how good she was at what she did (praise). She would tell me to stop trying to butter her up to get in her pants.

She was very angry at me and made sure that I was never touched even by accident as we passed in the hall or that I was never praised, even though she didn't know my love languages she knew how to hurt me.

Did I want sex with her? O God yes! She never initiated and regularly rejected me, in incredibly emotionally hurtful ways. I started to stay up late until I knew she would be asleep before I went to bed. I made sure she was exhausted and that I was as well. That prevented her from rejecting me and me from trying to initiate anything so as to avoid rejection.

So yes I really, really wanted to have sex to feel emotionally close to her, but had been emotionally hurt so often by her and her rejections, that I would not let my guard down and actively figured out ways to avoid sex. If she had offered me her "p@ssy" on a platter, I would probably have run for cover fearing an emotional ambush.

I really don't know about the dynamics of your marriage. But in mine, I started to read relationship books. Two I would recommend to you are MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage and Chapman's 5 Languages of love. They and other books helped me better understand the demon dance that my wife and I were doing to each other.

Ultimately, I recognized that I was a big part of the problem and that I could not change my wife or demand her to change. So, I took MW Davis advice and decided to change myself. I did and started to provider her with love in her love languages (which was not sex). We still didn't have sex. I tried doing more housework, but she viewed that not as acts of service, but as doing my fair share of the chores....FINALLY. Ultimately, one morning I got up early made a pot of coffee and decided to bring some back to the bedroom to drink as I woke up. I brought her a cup. THAT SHE viewed as an act of service. We talked in bed as we work up. She viewed that as quality time. I finally understood how I could make her feel loved.

Then I discovered that if I acted as her assistant chef in the kitchen so that she had more time and energy to create more spectacular dinners and that after dinner, I brought her a glass of wine to talk about her day that she would feel loved at the beginning and end of each day. That coupled with the help of a really great sex therapist was how our marriage was saved and we started to have sex again.

Your situation may be different, but I would wager that both you and your H want much of the same things, you just have drifted apart and need to find a set of actions that will bring you toward each other. It will take both of you to save and repair your marriage, but one of you has to start the process. In my case I was the one that figured out the problem first, that I was part of the problem (it is almost always both partners being part of the problem) and so I worked on fixing the part of the marriage that I had control over.

Good luck
Good post.

Question--you mentioned that you and your wife eventually resumed a sexual relationship, but did she ever learn and start speaking YOUR love languages? If so, how did that come about? Did you tie her down and make her read the book?

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #50 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:07 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Originally Posted by Fozzy View Post
Good post.

Question--you mentioned that you and your wife eventually resumed a sexual relationship, but did she ever learn and start speaking YOUR love languages? If so, how did that come about? Did you tie her down and make her read the book?
Good Question.

I didn't tie her down as she is really not into that! But I gave her a copy of Chapman's book, she read it and took the test to find out for herself what her love languages were. I also took the test in my book and we exchanged the answers which were pretty obvious once we had read and understood what Chapman was saying.

Did I teach her my love languages? That is a hard question to answer. She knows them, but they still seem like a foreign language to her. She is semi-fluent but isn't making a push to become fluent. She will touch me now, especially when she knows she has done something really wrong. One of her first things she will do is to touch my chest our shoulder as a way of saying she is sorry or please forgive me as I really do love you. So she knows this on a conscious and subconscious level.

When we have sex she will touch me a lot more than when we were in a Sex Starved Marriage. Would I like it if she touched me more or felt more comfortable touching me more often in a non-sexual time and way? Yes, but at least she knows what she needs to do to make me feel loved and makes sure I get some touch. And considering what I felt like in the Sex Starved Marriage phase, some touch, some praise, and meaningful sex twice a week is so very much better.

I think the key to becoming fluent in another love language that is not your own is based on the person's desire to truly communicate their love to their partner. I have come to understand that unless I provide my wife with acts of service and quality time, she will not feel loved. I want her to feel loved and so I have learned to do and "ritualized" those things in our life that make her feel loved.

The key though is to take responsibility for your own happiness and let go of as much codependence as you can.
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post #51 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:46 AM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Thanks for this. Your right I need to cut him some slack. And yes we do have great sex when we have it.
I don't mean to pry, but what makes the sex so great when you have it? You describe a selfish and aloof husband, does he become a tender and caring lover when you do have sex? Does he slow down, caress and kiss you all over for hours making sure you have multiple O's or are you just a lucky woman who easily orgasms from penetration?

I was very surprised to hear that you have such great sex given how you have described your husband.
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post #52 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 06:09 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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You describe a selfish and aloof husband, does he become a tender and caring lover when you do have sex? Does he slow down, caress and kiss you all over for hours making sure you have multiple O's or are you just a lucky woman who easily orgasms from penetration?
There are plenty of women who find being caressed and kissed all over for hours really boring.
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post #53 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 07:40 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Being long distance was hard enough, but he would go days without contacting me. (He would literally work in studio for 72 hours at a time without going home.) He was all consumed by his work. It seemed ridiculous to me that anything on earth could be that all encompassing. Like, you really can't take five minutes to call me?.
I assume he is an architect? Or related design professional?

My older girl is in a top ten graduate design program and has plenty of time for her cat, her significant other, her family, her teaching position, and cooking/baking...

The secret: date within your field and sleep after death (sign in her studio).
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post #54 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I don't mean to pry, but what makes the sex so great when you have it? You describe a selfish and aloof husband, does he become a tender and caring lover when you do have sex? Does he slow down, caress and kiss you all over for hours making sure you have multiple O's or are you just a lucky woman who easily orgasms from penetration?



I was very surprised to hear that you have such great sex given how you have described your husband.


It's great because he's good and into it and loves to switch positions. I always orgasm. If it's not from PIV he will go down on me to make sure I get my O.
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post #55 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 09:01 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I assume he is an architect? Or related design professional?

My older girl is in a top ten graduate design program and has plenty of time for her cat, her significant other, her family, her teaching position, and cooking/baking...

The secret: date within your field and sleep after death (sign in her studio).
Architect, yes.

I was too at one point, but switched over to engineering before the studio portion. I would not have survived studio!
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post #56 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 09:45 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Architect, yes.

I was too at one point, but switched over to engineering before the studio portion. I would not have survived studio!
He he. I know the feeling.

Of course technology wasn't there in the old days, so one had to slave it out at the studio. Today a laptop is the studio... and parents get real time commentary of the design reviews

The problem with architects or physicians is the hours remain long after graduation... It's something the OP has to accept. At least her partner will bring in serious money...
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post #57 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 09:30 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

I miss this too sometimes. My and my hubbies sex life has been lackluster over the last two years or so. Recently it's been getting better but I want to be persued throughout the day too. It sounds silly but it'd be nice.

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post #58 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 09:32 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I get that he works a ton. I'm just tired of it. Everyday it's the same thing with the same outcome.
What I do, has no affect on anything. It doesn't matter if I'm home or not, if I go to bed early or late. If the house is a complete mess or amazingly clean. If I cook dinner or not. Nothing matters. He doesn't complain. Ever. He comes home half asleep, and quickly falls asleep no matter what I do.

He complains about not having enough sex, but does nothing to change it. And I get that he can't help it if he's tired. But every time he says something about sex it drives me insane!!!! Like I literally just offered to drive up to the hospital so we can have an afternoon delight in the on call room because I know he will be operating all day and late tonight. He said that he will be in the OR for the next 4-5hrs. (Not the response I wanted to hear). Then he says to me... if we don't have sex tonight I'm going to go insane. (Which the only reason why we won't have sex is because of him not me!) so I said to him... if you want to have sex tonight then make it happen. And he responds... it goes both ways Katie. Which pissed me off!!' I said I just offered you my p*ssy on a platter, I offered to drive the 30-45min drive one way to have sex in a gross on call room in a hospital and then drive the 30-45mins back home so don't tell me it goes both ways.
That would drive me bonkers. I try to dress in cute clothes around the house, do my makeup. All of it unnoticed. Even if he does it doesn't go anywhere. His thing is he's always tired. Stop being tired
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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I am dying for a good sex life. I am dying to be pursued, dying for some romance. I am dying for my husband to put forth more effort. There is nothing better than effort!

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post #59 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:22 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

So you've gotten some good advice @katiecrna

I think you need to take responsibility for ramping yourself up - a book, magazine, images, vibrator, whatever. He can't take that on now.

Your need to be pursued may have to be put aside. My w will never do that - we've talked forever - she won't wear anything sexy during the day lest her sexuality be present outside the bed. I'd love that but it will never come.

So I take care of the ramp up. It removed that pressure and expectation and related resentment. Then I'm much happier. And I snuggle and we have sex. It's great and I love it. It's not the way I would like in my mind but it gets to the same point and we are close and very connected.

Your situation is also like a lot of guys who think women are supposed to act like they do in porn, then are dissatisfied or sad that they aren't getting what they need. Of course your needs sound reasonable; all I'm saying is they aren't likely to be met the way you want at this time.

If you do this and remove the pressure from the both of you, you may find your anger and resentment fall away, and his apparently contradictory needs being met.

Good luck


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post #60 of 109 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

Thanks everyone. I caved in and initiated sex last night. It's been 3 weeks. A girl has to do what a girl has to do...
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