Dying for a good sex life - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #91 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Start taking control of your own body. You should always be the one who knows best exactly how ready you are. If you don't, then you need to get in better touch with your own body. Start playing with yourself and paying attention to what your lady parts feel like and use your finger to test how wet you are at each stage of the proceedings. Then you will know what it feels like at each stage of wetness.



Do not be limited by the thought that you "shouldn't" need lube. Nothing wrong with lube. What is wrong is trying to have PIV without sufficient lubrication. No shame in saying "honey, not ready yet, grab the lube". Frankly, I never try to enter my wife without lubing first. Even if I have been giving her oral and there is plenty of saliva and her secretions in the area. I never try to insert a dry penis anywhere. Neither should your husband. Why risk having a problem when you can eliminate the risk and have an easy smooth insertion every time? If you always lube first, it isn't a statement about anything relating to that session ans it is just part of sex. Every time all the time.


I know all this but your missing the point...

It was obvious when my husband tried to put it in that I wasn't ready. Both of us knew right there that I obviously wasn't wet enough. So once that happened there are a few options... he can continue to do foreplay on me, or we can kiss and blah blah blah, we could grab lube (which I don't like to use lube for a specific reason I can get into later). There was no misunderstanding that I wasn't wet enough from both parties trust me. BUT what he did was he kept trying to put it in even though it was obvious it wasn't going in. (That's stupid!!). And I'm sure I said something like they I'm not ready, but he was rushing because he had to go to work and didn't want to take the time and "do it right". So while he was trying to squeeze himself into a non-existent hole it hurt and he went soft.
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post #92 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

On the lube subject... this is my opinion and I'm sorry if people don't agree with me...

First off I love lube. It's great when you need it. But it's not a replacement to hurry sex up so we can artificially get me wet.
I used a lot of lube when we were first married. I waited till marriage to have sex and it was a lifesaver, especially because I haven't became accommodated to him yet and he would hit my cervix and sex was painful. Then I didn't need it anymore but we always kept silicone lube in the shower because it's nice to use with shower sex.

I am very educated on lube trust me.

My personal problem with it for me, using it in our bedroom is because I am a young healthy women who doesn't need it. I can get very very very clean up the sheets after wet. If I "need lube" it's because you are rushing. And I have a very negative feeling, experience or whatever about... oh you want to have sex? Slab some lube on me and go. It's very insensitive, you don't care to take the time and make me horny or into it. I don't know how to explain it, but using lube on me feels like a bypass of the process of getting me excited and I find that to be not only selfish but it doesn't feel good. And for the record if I'm not 100% ready... and my husband uses lube and puts it in me it hurts and it's not enjoyable, and this is because i haven't gone through the process of self lubrication and accommodation. You can just bypass that part, I'm a person who wants to experience this too. I know this is going to not go well but it reminds me of rape. I know it's not rape, I know rape is terrible and horrible. But how I feel about using lube to artificially get me ready makes me feel like I'm just a hole and not a person.
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post #93 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:44 AM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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On the lube subject... this is my opinion and I'm sorry if people don't agree with me....
I agree with you. I've bedded enough women. Have never "needed" lube ever. Healthy women don't.

I'm been in a few situations where they were bone dry initially. Most women like men warm up easily.

Example: Waking them up in the morning for sex to take care of my morning wood.

Rubbed my raw bone around the edge, dipped my tip in the pool. Boom. Good to go.

If she's not getting wet from your boner either its a medical issue or she's not into you.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #94 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:45 AM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I am a young healthy women who doesn't need it.
I agree with you. My wife was always naturally super luberific, before menopause. I don't want to derail here, would you mind if I quoted parts of this post in new thread on the subject of for those who do need lube? (May only be next week.)



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #95 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I agree with you. I've bedded enough women. Have never "needed" lube ever. Healthy women don't.

I'm been in a few situations where they were bone dry initially. Most women like men warm up easily.

Example: Waking them up in the morning for sex to take care of my morning wood.

Rubbed my raw bone around the edge, dipped my tip in the pool. Boom. Good to go.

If she's not getting wet from your boner either its a medical issue or she's not into you.


No it's not that she's not into you. Some women take longer than others. Sometimes I'm ready to go in seconds. Others it takes a while. Women are complication... a lot of it has to do with where we are mentally, if we're worried about something it will take us longer to get ready. It could be hormonal, it could be a lot of things. Just because she isn't getting wet quickly doesn't mean she's not into you. There is a whole bunch of other reasons it could be also.
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post #96 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I agree with you. My wife was always naturally super luberific, before menopause. I don't want to derail here, would you mind if I quoted parts of this post in new thread on the subject of for those who do need lube? (May only be next week.)


Go for it. It's a good topic to discuss.
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post #97 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

I don't think health has anything to do with lube. Just because I am menopausal does not mean I am unhealthy. Just saying..............

But I do understand the point you are making. That you would prefer if he took whatever time you needed to get you ready. This is something you are just going to have to let him know and remind all the time. And if you are not ready yet, then, take the bull by the horn. Move on to something else and let the foreplay continue.

Don't make it seems like he is doing something wrong. This might be a opportunity to give you some oral. But you are going to have to direct him. Tell him what you want in a nice and sexy way. Don't give him a complex.
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post #98 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 10:02 AM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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No it's not that she's not into you. Some women take longer than others. Sometimes I'm ready to go in seconds. Others it takes a while. Women are complication... a lot of it has to do with where we are mentally, if we're worried about something it will take us longer to get ready. It could be hormonal, it could be a lot of things. Just because she isn't getting wet quickly doesn't mean she's not into you. There is a whole bunch of other reasons it could be also.
I mean, she is not into you IN THAT MOMENT.

Doesn't mean she's checked out, though she could be if its a constant problem.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #99 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

Well I'll stipulate that not all women are the same when it comes to natural lubrication, hence the market for lube for women who most definitely are into you and most definitely are ready... but not lubricated enough. I realize you women know this but it seems some guys don't.

In your case @katiecrna I now get what you're saying but my initial assumption wasn't that you are a "change the sheets" type . That makes a big difference in the discussion. My W usually has to pull me in because she knows when she wants that and I can't tell so I ask or she tells.


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post #100 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I don't think health has anything to do with lube. Just because I am menopausal does not mean I am unhealthy. Just saying..............


.

Haha I feel the need to defend myself

I said "I am a young healthy women who doesn't need it."
Ok I said young to show I am not menopausal. (Not to say your old or anything.) but menopause usually causes dryness.
I said healthy to say that there is no other reason to cause dryness.
I did not mean to say dryness = unhealthy. Or menopause = unhealthy. I meant to show dryness = menopause, health problem, insufficient lack or arousal. And since I'm young and healthy there is no other cause is my dryness.

Which I guess I can add medication to that list lol
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post #101 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:43 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Haha I feel the need to defend myself
My 68 year old wife, has a much different opinion of lube and its important in a marriage. It is good to see that you understand that use of lube is not really rape.
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post #102 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 01:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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My 68 year old wife, has a much different opinion of lube and its important in a marriage. It is good to see that you understand that use of lube is not really rape.


I doubt our opinions are different. I think our situation is different.
Like I said, I love lube and it's great for when you need it. I need lube in the shower, it's great. Your wife probably needs it for her dryness, that's great. When I'm menopausal I will need it too. But if one doesn't need it for dryness, but it's used to bypass any efforts to make their wife wet... that's no bueno. Which is why I was saying it makes me feel like a hole not a person.
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post #103 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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I doubt our opinions are different. I think our situation is different.
Like I said, I love lube and it's great for when you need it. I need lube in the shower, it's great. Your wife probably needs it for her dryness, that's great. When I'm menopausal I will need it too. But if one doesn't need it for dryness, but it's used to bypass any efforts to make their wife wet... that's no bueno. Which is why I was saying it makes me feel like a hole not a person.
There is another side to the desire to use lube from the male perspective. If your husband was circumcised, then this increases the level of friction he will experience compared to if his genitalia would have been left as nature intended it to be. This increased friction (even with your natural lubrication) can sometimes be overstimulating and result in a numbing effect for him during sex. So when a circumcised male enjoys a little extra lube, it helps him from becoming numbed so that he can enjoy sex with you to the fullest. Try to appreciate that.

In the meantime you may wish to be the partner that has more control over when and how lubrication can be applied. Perhaps talk to your husband and ask if instead of him applying it to you, that you be the one to apply it to him.

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post #104 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 02:40 PM
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I doubt our opinions are different. I think our situation is different.
Like I said, I love lube and it's great for when you need it. I need lube in the shower, it's great. Your wife probably needs it for her dryness, that's great. When I'm menopausal I will need it too. But if one doesn't need it for dryness, but it's used to bypass any efforts to make their wife wet... that's no bueno. Which is why I was saying it makes me feel like a hole not a person.
Just think of it as are you aroused or not?

Generally the signal is are you lubricated or not but not always. Arousal has other features other than the lubrication such as engorgement, vault enlargement and the cervix shifting position a bit. If all the later happens but no lubrication you'd be fine to add a little artificial lube, if not then you are not...
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post #105 of 109 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 05:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dying for a good sex life

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Just think of it as are you aroused or not?



Generally the signal is are you lubricated or not but not always. Arousal has other features other than the lubrication such as engorgement, vault enlargement and the cervix shifting position a bit. If all the later happens but no lubrication you'd be fine to add a little artificial lube, if not then you are not...


Thanks I'll be sure to check how engorged I am and where my cervix is next time.
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