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Dying for a good sex life

11K views 108 replies 41 participants last post by  Haiku 
#1 ·
I am dying for a good sex life. I am dying to be pursued, dying for some romance. I am dying for my husband to put forth more effort. There is nothing better than effort!
 
#2 ·
Define effort, what would you perceive as the type of effort your H should put forth?

I will say, the whole "effort" thing, is an issue on my side as well and a real drag when you see your SO putting in very little effort.
 
#11 ·
Define effort, what would you perceive as the type of effort your H should put forth?



I will say, the whole "effort" thing, is an issue on my side as well and a real drag when you see your SO putting in very little effort.


I think my husband should be fully conscious and actively do something with me with his full attention.

He should be affectionate. If he wants to have sex, show me don't tell me. Act like we're dating and your trying to sleep with me. What ever happened to men putting the moves on their women? That's for people dating only??? Is it me or are men becoming lazier and lazier when they want to have sex? I mean honestly. Hey honey do you want to have sex tonight? That doesn't cut it! No? Ok I'll just get back to my video games and I'll master-bate in the shower later.

Ahh I'm annoyed.
 
#3 ·
I get it - I felt the same in my first marriage. However, I had more success living with the goal of achieving good sex and romance. Dying is just so final! However, you may have to find a new husband if this one isn't working out, so instead of dying for him, live for the next.
 
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#4 · (Edited by Moderator)
I get that he works a ton. I'm just tired of it. Everyday it's the same thing with the same outcome.
What I do, has no affect on anything. It doesn't matter if I'm home or not, if I go to bed early or late. If the house is a complete mess or amazingly clean. If I cook dinner or not. Nothing matters. He doesn't complain. Ever. He comes home half asleep, and quickly falls asleep no matter what I do.

He complains about not having enough sex, but does nothing to change it. And I get that he can't help it if he's tired. But every time he says something about sex it drives me insane!!!! Like I literally just offered to drive up to the hospital so we can have an afternoon delight in the on call room because I know he will be operating all day and late tonight. He said that he will be in the OR for the next 4-5hrs. (Not the response I wanted to hear). Then he says to me... if we don't have sex tonight I'm going to go insane. (Which the only reason why we won't have sex is because of him not me!) so I said to him... if you want to have sex tonight then make it happen. And he responds... it goes both ways Katie. Which pissed me off!!' I said I just offered you my ***** on a platter, I offered to drive the 30-45min drive one way to have sex in a gross on call room in a hospital and then drive the 30-45mins back home so don't tell me it goes both ways.

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#22 ·
Like I literally just offered to drive up to the hospital so we can have an afternoon delight in the on call room because I know he will be operating all day and late tonight.
That kind of zest is always worthy fun... don't lose that in you.

I remember reading somewhere about a wife who was in your position who's husband turned her down too often and she told him he got one chance from now on when she initiated, and she initiated often. If he turned her down she went on to pleasure herself right there next to him, and quite enthusiastically at that. It seems he got interested after all but she wouldn't let him touch her while she finished with a fairly wild climax. He was pretty upset over it but she held firm that his rejection pretty much ended his involvement so he needed to think twice next time he decided not to participate in active lovin' time. I believe he chose a different approach from then on but who knows how often such a success rate is, but I do know it works both ways (M/F)... I've been known to run with scissors from time to time at home too and with the scars to prove it, but at least I run with a more humble spirit these days when change is desired. ;)

I agree with @SunCMars... don't lose that passion, even if you cannot share it for the moment.
 
#5 ·
I would be dying, too. I'm sorry you are in this spot. I only know bits of your story, but it does sound like what you are seeking isn't quite something your H can pull off. Though maybe it was great in the beginning, I can't remember.

I just know that there is a certain level of how sexual a person needs to be in order for me to have a great sex life with them. That includes them pursuing me, pursuing sex, adoring me, being adventurous and open minded, and being able to openly show their lust and desire for me on a regular basis. I also do all of those things, and I need a partner who reciprocates it in equal measure (or even more, I actually feel the man in the relationship needs to provide more of those things than the woman or else the balance gets off somehow...which doesn't mean I don't do "the work", it just means he does the part of "the work" that provides the spark to my flame.)

There haven't been very many stories around here of a spouse changing their core sexual level, desires, and libido in order for their partner to be more satisfied. I don't know how you would go about changing someone like that.

But if he was like that before (however it is that you are wanting) then there is hope.
 
#7 · (Edited by Moderator)
I think what sends me over the edge isn't the fact that he's so tired, or we don't have sex that often but the fact that he has the audacity to complain about it. This just causes something to boil up inside me and I have to make an effort not to be a ***** and put him in his place. Which is to remind him that he's the reason we're not having sex.

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#23 · (Edited by Moderator)
I think what sends me over the edge isn't the fact that he's so tired, or we don't have sex that often but the fact that he has the audacity to complain about it. This just causes something to boil up inside me and I have to make an effort not to be a ***** and put him in his place. Which is to remind him that he's the reason we're not having sex.
Maybe the seriousness of your discontent hasn't been heard due to the bolder.

Honey, the man needs a wake up call and then he needs to have an alarm go off with regularity.

I don't know if you have kids yet but his lack of effort will only get worse if it isn't stopped in a decisive way.

Do not go passively into a dead marriage bed.
 
#9 ·
I have read most of your postings.

I wish I could help you out. I am far away and presently powerlessly pixelated on your LCD screen.

You know the score....every stanza. You know what you want, every detail.

You know what the score with DH is. You know every detail.

You now have to choose. Keeping your good social status and having healthy future financials by sticking with this marriage with your Doctor spouse......

Or passion. Realized passion. Passion standing tall and proud right before your hungry eyes.

Passion coming from a new, deserving, fun to be with, new man.....after you divorce.

Do not cheat.

Just follow your rapid beating, enlarged, hot and heavy heart. There is no substitute for Lusty Passion. Money cannot buy it.

Choose carefully.
 
#10 · (Edited)
Oh, @katiecrna ~ I've definitely got the time as well as the "effort" to pursue romance!

It's just that I seldom have the "trust" to even try anymore!
 
#30 ·
Ouch! I was going to make a smart comeback, but I got nothing...

My wife and I have friends from college, and he became a lawyer while his wife is a stay at home mom. He works 100 hours a week. I did not even know that was humanly possible but apparently it is standard practice for lawyers seeking to become partners in a big firm. On his average work day he only goes home and sleeps for about 3-4 hours.

I don't know much about healthcare, but the few doctor's I know seem to have almost the same workload somehow.

100/7= average of 14+ hours a day of work nonstop.
 
#13 ·
I don't think it is men becoming lazier, some have always been lazy in this regard. I think your H just has a low sex drive due to exhaustion, etc. But was it good before? Was it ever as good as you would like it to be? If not then he is just not as sexual as you are. If he was, then he might be able to get there again.
 
#16 ·
Unfortunately a lot of men are like this. I guess I don't get the part about him complaining about wanting sex but then not wanting it. Have you asked him why he contradicts himself? I also yearn (actually physically ache) for the same thing. My husband is terrified of intimacy so that just isn't in the cards for me. I would suggest you guys have a heart to heart talk and see what the problem is on his end.


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#18 ·
We have talked about it often. When I ask him why he complains about it, he says Bc he's a man in his 30s and he wants a good sex life. When I ask why doesn't it happen... it's because of work, exhaustion etc. which is a semi lie because he knows he can carve out some time especially on the weekends and make more of an effort. And I've told him this. I have seen no change or effort to do this.
 
#17 ·
We use to have sex in the hospital. It always started organically when we were in bed. Never this... hey wanna have sex? Stuff. We were always affectionate. Sitting on his lap, sitting next to each other. Shower sex. Sex At least 3x a week.
Now he is exhausted. Can't stay awake to even have a conversation with me or watch tv. Sex is rarely organic starting. We have sex probably 3x a month. And it's usually like a conscious effort which is so weird and not natural or sexy.
 
#19 ·
We use to have sex in the hospital. It always started organically when we were in bed. Never this... hey wanna have sex? Stuff. We were always affectionate. Sitting on his lap, sitting next to each other. Shower sex. Sex At least 3x a week.
Now he is exhausted. Can't stay awake to even have a conversation with me or watch tv. Sex is rarely organic starting. We have sex probably 3x a month. And it's usually like a conscious effort which is so weird and not natural or sexy.
Given his work schedule, it seems like a conscious effort is what needs to be done, nothing wrong with that.

If his job is the issue (which based on your posts it sounds like that is a big part of the issue i.e. his exhaustion), then you guys need to sit down and decide how things will be in the future. Do you expect things to settle down with his job sooner then later, is this going to be a longer trend, etc...? Mentally, having a great sex life sounds ideal to him, but physically it seems to be a completely different story.
 
#20 ·
Maybe I'll purposefully try to have sex with him more often even when i know he can't because he's too tired. Maybe this will make him feel bad and make him realize my needs aren't being met and he has to do a better job.

I never try to have sex with him when I know he can't, obviously that's the nice thing to do. But now... I need a new tactic.
 
#21 ·
I feel I'm in a similar boat as the OP except I'm a man. My SO rarely pursues me (maybe once a month), I get shot down for sex probably 90% of the time. It's gotten to the point where I'm just unplugged. She talks about how her last husband cheated on her but he never told her the relationship was toxic to give her a chance to fix it. When I tell her what I need, instead of listening to me, she flips it and makes it about her. Says it makes her feel like she isn't good enough because I want it more than once a month (3x-4x a week is my need level). I do everything for her and I'm always there when she needs me, when she is hurting, or is overwhelmed by something. I continually take on more and more to alleviate what stresses her, but then I'm left out in the cold. I want pursued. I want desired. I want chased some. I want complimented now and then.
 
#46 ·
I know exactly how you and the OP feels and am in the same boat with my SO. If she does "pursue" me, it's once a month, even if that. I feel that I am always the one that has to try to initiate it and even when I do, I get shot down and am told no, that she is tired. We have children together, but when she gets home from work, she sits in her chair and that is all she does the rest of the night. She sits all day at her job, Medical Bill Collector, and I work in IT. I jsut wish she would pursue me more and not turn me down for it. Hell the only way I was able to get it for a week straight, was to tell her I wanted it that way for a week due to my birthday coming up.
 
#25 ·
He is a doctor working an exhausting schedule. There may be no end to this until he retires in 30 or 40 years. He wants more sex. But in a passive sense. Kinda like I would like to win the lottery. Doesn't mean I buy any tickets, but I sure would like to win. Doctors work very hard for a very long time. That is one of the reasons they earn big bucks. Very hard to separate the big bucks from being on call, working long hours, covering for colleagues, etc. I know of a woman on another internet forum who is married to a surgeon and has been discussing this exact issue for years.

So I agree with @SunCMars: may be time for you to choose. Your husband may not be physically capable of fulfilling his obligations as a doctor and fulfilling his obligations as a lover. He has made it clear which he prioritizes. Now you have to decide your priorities.
 
#29 ·
Agree, sorry to say.

I've been reading a lot of your posts.

Before my husband and I were married, we dated long distance while he was finishing grad school in another state. It was hard. But, he always made time for us to talk or visit. Then he got to the last two semesters and had to do a very rigorous thesis. He told me as soon as we got serious, actually, that he knew the end of his schooling would be the hardest and most time consuming, and that we would be in touch a lot less during that time. So he definitely gave me a warning. I thought I would be able to handle it. I still wasn't prepared.

Being long distance was hard enough, but he would go days without contacting me. (He would literally work in studio for 72 hours at a time without going home.) He was all consumed by his work. It seemed ridiculous to me that anything on earth could be that all encompassing. Like, you really can't take five minutes to call me? He had appointments to keep and deadlines to meet, and he is a perfectionist so naturally works 10x more than anyone else. I changed over time from trying to be patient and supportive...to feeling distant from him, being frustrated and trying to stay busy on my own. Then I just got angry over time, and then onto feeling like I just wasn't good enough to warrant attention. I came so close to ending the relationship. So close.

Then he graduated when I was on my last straw and came home for good. If he didn't come home when he did, I think our relationship would have ended. I couldn't take it anymore. There was a time when he went out for a meal with his classmates (also working on thesis at the same time) and I remember finding out about it. I was livid. In hindsight it was so stupid to be mad, but I seriously almost let him go over it. I just kept thinking - how dare you make time for them and not me!

I now know from that experience that I am NOT cut out to be a wife to a man who has to be gone all of the time. I knew then that I couldn't be with a doctor, or a military man who would deploy, or anything like that. I have the utmost respect for the spouses in those marriages who hold it down while their husband or wife is out of reach. I just knew I couldn't be one of them. It made me feel selfish and petty to be honest, but at least I learned something about myself.

So - I wanted to say that I respect the position you are in with having to stick it out while he's gone. But, I don't think it's going to change or get better. There is a third "person" in your marriage, and that is his job. You will always have to share him with his job because of the career he has chosen. And it won't be an even sharing either, because when duty calls he will go running to them. I don't have an answer for you, I am just sad for you that you have to live that way.
 
#26 ·
Let's summarize:

He is at the hospital more than he needs to be.

Doesn't want sex with you at home.

Doesn't want you to go to his place of work or have sex with him there.

Has received texts from woman/women during which he snatches the phone and gives a lame excuse after deleting text.

How long have you been on TAM?

The only question i have for you is: Is she a nurse or another resident?

He has another sharpie at work. Don't tell us you haven't thought that or know that.

Keep believing it is him being tired or P-A.

[emoji27]
 
#31 ·
I understand he will always be busy and I'm ok with that. But being the chief resident at a crazy busy hospital, with one resident short makes him have to make up for that resident that is no longer working there. So being busy is one thing... but this is a whole other level of bush that people don't understand. Even when he's home he will take his calls on speaker phone because all the residents have to go through him because he is chief before they make any decisions.

I work in the same hospital as he does. I see the OR schedule so I know he is not making his schedule up.

The problem is, the hospital employs multiple groups of Ct surgeons with multiple surgeons in each group. The residents are responsible to be with all the surgeons and their patients. So maybe one surgeon only has one case, he gets to go home to his family after. But there are SO many surgeons he has to be with, some of them who for some reason like to operate in the evening. Ahhh it's just beyond frustrating. And it really is abuse of slave labor
 
#45 ·
I work in the same hospital as he does. I see the OR schedule so I know he is not making his schedule up.

@katiecrna I'll share with you something that may help. In my marriage my wife and I have different desires for frequency and that creates problems, but one thing DOES HELP!

Try working together on positive ways to nurture and care for each other's desire during times when sex is NOT an option. So instead of creating anxiety about not having the time or energy to be together, you can channel that into creative ways to let each other know that you care about each other.

OK, your husband complains you are not available enough (even if it is his own fault) and this makes you furious. What if you spent time coaching each other on how to transform those complaints into compliments towards each other. Instead of getting upset, just ask him to describe to you in detail what he wants sexually in the event you two are apart as a way to perhaps have phone sex. In turn, you could perhaps pack him something of yours for him to enjoy thinking about you when he gets a moment.

An example might be to put a steamy love note in his pocket for him to read when he gets a moment alone. He could do the same for you!

Badsanta
 
#35 · (Edited by Moderator)
@Young at Heart
Thank you so much for that post. I really identified myself and my marriage in it. I've been having a very emotional, negative, depressing day today, and I felt hopeless. My husband is not perfect, but my threshold for him has become so low that it's just not fair. I see everything so clearly from my view only. I know he has to do better but he is probably not wanting to try because he always feels like he is letting me down because I make it very clear to him.

Aahhh marriage is hard. I am going to try to be better and stop complaining and I'll try to show him more appreciation. I'm just emotional, and needy and not to be annoying but I really want him. I want to spend time with him, I want to cuddle with him, I just love him a lot and I get so ****ing mad when he comes home upset and exhausted and he just falls asleep. It makes me mad and sad and really disappointed and unhappy because it's all the time, almost everyday. So I get why he doesn't want to come home to that and thus the cycle continues...


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8. Filter Bypass/Obscenity: A profanity filter is in place and any attempts to bypass it are forbidden. You MAY type words that are filtered, as long as they are not abusive towards other quests or violate any other rules; however, you must allow the filter to do its job. Do NOT try to filter the word yourself and do not try to use creative spelling to bypass the profanity filter. Also, posting images of videos of obscene gestures, linking to obscene web sites, posting obscene or graphic descriptions of a decidedly adult nature, and violating a standard of decent behavior is not allowed.

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#37 ·
Aahhh marriage is hard. I am going to try to be better and stop complaining and I'll try to show him more appreciation. I'm just emotional, and needy and not to be annoying but I really want him. I want to spend time with him, I want to cuddle with him, I just love him a lot and I get so f*cking mad when he comes home upset and exhausted and he just falls asleep. It makes me mad and sad and really disappointed and unhappy because it's all the time, almost everyday. So I get why he doesn't want to come home to that and thus the cycle continues...
Alright, so things aren't good, and as you acknowledge, you guys are caught in a cycle which can't be all that healthy for your marriage. So the question is, what is it going to take to change it? What if things with his job don't change for the next 1, 2, 5 yrs or longer? I get the frustration, but what is the next step?
 
#43 ·
I have always thought that this is more of a male problem based on millions of online posts by men. However, I have known many men who are only interested in their own pleasure and feel that a wife has a duty to sexually satisfy his wife. If they have an orgasm it is a happy coincidence.

Women have always wanted to have sex with me, not date me, just have sex with me. I found out why many years later. It was because of word of mouth in our town and the local high schools. My wife knew of me and had seen my picture, years before we even met and could not believe that I asked her out on a date, knowing the women I have dated before. The reason is that I always gave them good orgams, even the ones who never had them before outside of masturbation. I enjoy giving sexual pleasure more than receiving it. I also believe that frank communication between the couple is the secret to great sex.

You really need to talk to your husband to find out what he likes and tell him what you like. I have known so many husband and wives who were afraid to tell their spouses about a fantasy or fetish. Some would never even tell their spouse that they were unhappy with their sex life. I consistently bring my wife to orgasm in under 3 minutes because I know exactly what buttons to press and when to press them. She also has multiple orgasms if she can handle them at her age. When we were young her record was 17 orgasms before I even had one. I think it is better when a woman does not have to worry or think about pleasuring the man in bed with them and can focus on just receiving pleasure before giving it.

Of course when you are young just looking at each other can produce an orgasm but once love and sex matures, you need to work in it. My wife and I have tried just about every fetish in the book and some that are not there. If sex got boring we talked about why and then found a new fetish to jump start our marriage. If we got caught up in life and our careers, we would schedule sex nights that were mandatory. Few know that orgasm produce a hormone called Oxytocin which emotionally bonds a couple together. It lasts for about an hour after the orgasm for the guy but a few hours for the woman. It will work even if just touching or holding hands but to a much lesser extent. Even when it gets reabsorbed into your brain, the memory of it lives on and that is why sex partners experience feelings. Sex is one of those things that the more you have it, the more you want it. The less you have it, the less you want it. If you love each other there should be no problem in making sure you have sex at least once a week to get exposure to that hormone that will bind you two together. To give you some idea of Oxytocin's power, it is the same hormone that bounds a mother to her child.

So talk and then schedule sex nights with mandatory attendance, even if you just cuddle at first. One exercise is to find one of those lists of fetishes on the internet. You both mark the ones you might like and those you are willing to try. Then compare the results to see if you can find some sexual fetishes that you are both interested in. At worst you both know what the other likes and can discuss it. It will open the lines of conversation. When I was with a woman who was too shy to tell me what she fantasizes about, I would tell her the most gross and odd things other women have asked me to do with them. That usually makes the woman's fantasy seem tame by comparison.

One last thing that helps is watching each other masturbate. Your husband will learn, if he cares, how you bring yourself to orgasm. Do you need penetration or prefer direct clitoral stimulation? Do you play with your breast/nipples to help yourself orgam? Do you go fast or slow of a combination of both. Then you watch him and make note of what he likes. A great sex life takes work but the results are well worth it. Both my wife and I, and even our girlfriend, have had a sex life much better than we ever imagined. It is outside of the mainstream of marriage but by not boxing ourselves into society's marriage rules, we found a slice of happiness and held on to it for as long as we could.

Communicate. It cannot make your sex life worse.
 
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#44 ·
Katie, I've mentioned this before, but my wife and I are physicians and survived residency with our marriage intact. I'm not willing to give him a totally free pass, but you of all people being a CRNA recognize all the hard work and crap your husband puts up with every day. Sure you want him to romance you and sweep you off your feet, but that isn't going to happen with his exhaustion and time constraints. June is not that far away. I do hope he is listening to you and is capable of upping his romantic game once residency is completed.

For now, romance him as best you can. Does he at least make the effort to satisfy you when you do have sex? I still have fond memories of quick encounters with my wife in the on-call room even after 25 years have gone by. Even a quick BJ there might light a spark if you can make that happen.

Hang in there!
 
#47 ·
Katie, I've mentioned this before, but my wife and I are physicians and survived residency with our marriage intact. I'm not willing to give him a totally free pass, but you of all people being a CRNA recognize all the hard work and crap your husband puts up with every day. Sure you want him to romance you and sweep you off your feet, but that isn't going to happen with his exhaustion and time constraints. June is not that far away. I do hope he is listening to you and is capable of upping his romantic game once residency is completed.



For now, romance him as best you can. Does he at least make the effort to satisfy you when you do have sex? I still have fond memories of quick encounters with my wife in the on-call room even after 25 years have gone by. Even a quick BJ there might light a spark if you can make that happen.



Hang in there!


Thanks for this. Your right I need to cut him some slack. And yes we do have great sex when we have it.
 
#48 ·
Right there with you. He'll put the effort in once we're actually naked together but he puts zero effort into building desire. Does your husband do that thing where he's affectionate but it's never sexual affection? That's where I am right now ;) It's sweet but it doesn't get me hot.
 
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