Husband turns me off. Advice please. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I think its still a matter of communication - at least to try.

Its difficult to tell if he doesn't know what you want, or doesn't care.

Have you ever tried being a bit dominant with him? It might actually make him feel free to be the same way with you. (or not).

His tentativeness may be that he knows you aren't enjoying much but he is worried how you might react to things he would try.

He doesn't give you oral, do you do it for him?
Yes I do - or I did give him oral.. it has been a while. He would like more (what man doesn't), but I think there is a part of me that feels like it's quite one sided, so why should I! On the other hand if it's something that just simply doesn't turn him on, then I definitely do NOT want him going down there. By now I would hate to bring it up in case he decided to try it out!

To answer your question I think it has more to do with not know what I want than not caring, since he has tried to talk to me about it a couple of times. I just feel like it's kind of beyond him to learn, he's not new at this - he's ten years my senior, in his 40's. But perhaps I'm wrong. He was previously married and I know that relationship ended up being very sexless in the end. I do think that previous relationship may have set him up for not being very confident in bed. Actually I doubt he's ever had a partner with whom he's been openly communicate about sex with.
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post #17 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:34 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

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Hi! Thanks for your advice. Yes I definitely get that it is a communication issue on my side. I just feel like it is soooooo hard to talk about this subject with my husband outside of the bedroom and it's been so many years of not enjoying the sex that I just tend to desperately want it to be over as soon as it's started.. Even the idea of teaching him to do things just kind of fills be with anxiety and dread.
Nothing good in your life comes with out risk. I assume you read her right? What is worse for you and him, you tell him and you both work on it. Or he balks and you move on, or you destroy him by cheating with a personal trainer no less. Give the man a shot. How many BS post on here, why didn't she tell me.

I am not saying be mean but tell him, make it a project. NOTHING GOOD IN LIFE COMES WITHOUT RISK. It is scary to take a risk. You love this man right? WHY NOT EVEN IF IT IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TAKE A RISK THAT YOU COULD LOVE THE MAN AND LOVE MAKING LOVE TO HIM!
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post #18 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:03 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

Coulda sworn I read a post like this around a year ago - just a different name.
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post #19 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:08 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt at this point, but I admit to being skeptical of your story. If you've had such a rich and varied sexual history, why haven't you taught your husband how to make love to you? Your story implies that he's not nearly as experienced as you are, so you would think you would have been a teacher? If not, why not? You don't seem to have any sexual hang ups, so why are you failing so miserably at communicating your needs to your H in the bedroom? Gonna be blunt here - I have little patience with people who fail to communicate obvious needs/wants because they either 1) don't want to hurt feelings or 2) feel it's your partner's responsibility to read your mind. Timidity gets you nowhere, and expecting a mind reader is passive/aggressive.
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post #20 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 11:37 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

You may be able to work with this.

Give him some oral, then before you finish, tell him that you'll finish him once he returns the favor. Make it lighthearted - but see if he is up for it.

I know you prefer him to be a bit dominant, but you may need to do it yourself a little to teach him.

If he cares about you, doing things that give you great pleasure should be really fun / exciting for him. Part of the trick above is that when people are aroused their inhibitions are considerably lowered, so he is more likely to find it a positive experience.


Of course if his previous relationships have had very limited sex, there may be nothing you can do. Still, I think its worth a try on the theory that you have nothign to lose.

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Yes I do - or I did give him oral.. it has been a while. He would like more (what man doesn't), but I think there is a part of me that feels like it's quite one sided, so why should I! On the other hand if it's something that just simply doesn't turn him on, then I definitely do NOT want him going down there. By now I would hate to bring it up in case he decided to try it out!

To answer your question I think it has more to do with not know what I want than not caring, since he has tried to talk to me about it a couple of times. I just feel like it's kind of beyond him to learn, he's not new at this - he's ten years my senior, in his 40's. But perhaps I'm wrong. He was previously married and I know that relationship ended up being very sexless in the end. I do think that previous relationship may have set him up for not being very confident in bed. Actually I doubt he's ever had a partner with whom he's been openly communicate about sex with.
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post #21 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 08:57 AM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

You finding another man attractive is not the crappy part of this situation.

You refusing to talk to your husband is.

You've avoided this for so long that now your husband, who was lackluster to begin with, is competing against a fantasy.

In the meantime, you now have two kids that have to be factored into this entire situation.

You have created this situation by ignoring reality, and are continuing to make it worse by doing the same.

Tell your husband the truth. Let the chips fall where they may.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #22 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 09:36 AM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

If there were a magic wand to make men into better lovers, we would all know about it and the person who invented it would be richer than Bill Gates. Just like if there were something that increases a woman's libido for her not rich not super hot husband, we would all know about it and know the name of the inventor. The fact that we don't all know the name of the product and the name of the inventor and the inventor's immense net worth proves conclusively that there is no such thing.

The only good outcome here is your H learns to be a better lover. And, absent the magic wand, the only way for him to get there is for you to teach him. If you refuse to do that, then you are implicitly asking for a bad outcome. You should do some serious soul searching as to why you prefer a bad outcome over teaching your H how to make sex good for you. If that is your decision, I would suggest you see a counsellor to discuss why you made that choice. Because you don't want to repeat the same mistake in your next relationship.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #23 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 09:58 AM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

Hey JamesTKirk,

I really enjoyed reading your post, and think that you and your W sound like a very strong couple with a healthy intimate life. My question to you would be this though: what would your advice be for someone who has zero desire to be with their significant other? What would you do if you were no longer attracted to your W in any way? Also, if you had directed your W to various articles on intimacy early on in the relationship, and she opted for not reading them, what would your advice be to that?
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post #24 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

It wouldn't surprise me if your husband was thinking about things the way you are right now.

If you think that he is satisfied with what you offer, think again.
I'm sure that he would only be delighted to improve the sex in your marriage.

Talk to him, it's not easy at first but once you break through the first wall, it becomes easier and easier to discuss things.
There is loads of books online, so much information now that can help you both, all you have to do is give it a try.


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post #25 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:43 AM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

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My question to you would be this though: what would your advice be for someone who has zero desire to be with their significant other?
Move on. Give them their freedom. Go find someone you have desire to be with sexually. Free them to do the same.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #26 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:45 AM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

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Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post
It wouldn't surprise me if your husband was thinking about things the way you are right now.

If you think that he is satisfied with what you offer, think again.
I'm sure that he would only be delighted to improve the sex in your marriage.

Talk to him, it's not easy at first but once you break through the first wall, it becomes easier and easier to discuss things.
There is loads of books online, so much information now that can help you both, all you have to do is give it a try.


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This is exactly what I was going to say. OP, clearly he's aware there are issues with the sex because you said he's brought it up a few times and YOU responded badly by telling him orgasming is not an issue for you. I can only imagine it must have taken a lot of courage on his part to bring up the issue to you, more than once. I'm sure he's aware you weren't completely honest in your responses.

C'mon OP. If it's too hard to say, write it down. As a woman I know its difficult to talk to your spouse about issues such as this. Just last week I was telling my partner that immediately after we argue I'd rather have gentler, more sensual sex as opposed to the usual dominant/submissive style. I admitted that for some reason I find it impossible to say it to him in the moment. We theorized that it's possibly me wanting to protect his ego and worrying that he'll feel bad or embarrassed that he's not doing the right thing. We came up with one special word I could say in the moment that would immediately communicate my need for gentler sex. Our sex life didn't start out perfectly. We had hangups just like you and your husband. But from reading so much excellent advice here on TAM I realized I needed to stop expecting him to be a mind reader and tell him exactly what I needed. No matter how hard it is. Find a way to do it.

Clearly your partner is open to talking about the sex in general. You can do this! Communicate OP, communicate.
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post #27 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

Your husband isn't satisfied with your sex life either. He has been trying to resolve it, but you have lied to him because you don't want to hurt his feelings. News Flash: Your husband is already hurting. He knows you don't like having sex with him and he's been trying to resolve that, but he is met with indifference. You have actually been making things worse while your husband has tried to make things better.

Clearly your husband hasn't been with women who loved sex. Very likely the reason he goes off quickly is that he has been with women (you included!) who tell him to get it over with.

The ball is in your court. If you want things to improve, you don't tell him he's terrible in bed. Frankly you are just as bad, if not worse than he is, in bed. Have you considered that?

Furthermore, stop fantasizing about other people. No one can live up to a fantasy, even the man you are fantasizing about won't live up to your fantasy. Find a new gym. Get your thought life in order. Get some fantasy talk going with your husband about what you to want to do to each other and how you want to please each other.

As far as your husband, the first thing you need to do is apologize for not being honest with him and for not working with him to have a dynamic sex life. Love your man and tell him that you want to love each other sexually as well. Gently let him know that you want to start by working with him on how he kisses. Practice with him. Start immediately. You may not like it at first, but tell him to swallow and help him learn how to kiss you properly. Seriously, he doesn't know and you can teach him. It will probably hurt his feelings, but his feelings will improve quickly as he learns how to kiss you properly and you are enjoying him and wanting to kiss him!

Ask him what he needs from you. Let him know that you want him to touch you more - not less. A big part of this problem is that he has no idea what you like and you haven't done anything to share that information with him.

Talk about helping him learn to last longer before the first time he orgasms. There are things that can be done to help him delay orgasm. Learn them.

I have a feeling that when you tell your husband that you want to have a great sex life with him and are willing to start right now that you will have a happy, enthusiastic husband on your hands who will be willing to learn how to make love to you, so you will both be satisfied.

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post #28 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

Listen to Cynthia. She is one of the wisest ladies here. Her last post hit home to me. I can tell my wife doesn't like having sex with me. I'm just another chore for her. I haven't initiated in 2 months and have no interest in initiating any time in the future.
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post #29 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 05:28 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

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......The sex was OK, at least I thought so, certainly good enough for me to imagine spending the rest of my life with him. .....He also orgasmed really quickly.....I also from the beginning avoided mouth kissing him by kissing ears and neck etc as I found the kisses a bit sloppy. This all sounds a bit boring....

...8 years later and we have to gorgeous small children........................we really stopped having such regular sex mainly because I was just so tired all the time, at least that's what I thought..


..Now I don't have the tired excuse anymore, but I just really dislike sex with my husband. Many things he does in bed actually irritate me rather than turns me on. I haven't properly kissed him for many years as I cannot stand the sloppy kisses and sex just consists of a bit of a hand job and then me rolling over to let him take me from behind for a few minutes (or maybe just one). ......thinking his penis is too small, .......it's like sex with an inexperienced teenager. ...... I just brush his hand away so he can get on with the job and get it over with...... He thinks I just have a low libido, the truth is i have a low libido around him..

....I have tried talking to him about our relationship recently, but he just wants to believe everything is fine,.....
An now for a totally different perspective. I look at what you wrote and think that you need a little tough love.

I am a real fan of Dr. David Schnarch. He wrote the Passionate Marriage and the Crucible books on Marriage. One of the things he likes to say is that most couples communicate very well. He likes to use the example of going to a restaurant and seeing to starry eye lovers looking at each other holding hands and constantly talking; then looking at another table at an older married couple who eat in silence and never say a word. Schnarch likes to point out that that older married couple has had every discussion the young couple has dozens of times over and knows all the answers to the others questions and that they can communicate with a look, body language, or a gesture what that young couple will require hours of talk to accomplish.

The point is that you have been communicating with your husband your entire marriage. He knows that you dismiss his love making and he doesn't please you in bed and that you have no desire for him. If he knows that how do you think that makes him feel about putting any effort into pleasing you?

Schnarch also describes something he observes in marital counseling sessions. He calls it marital sadism. Where one partner goes out of their way to torment the other so as to develop some kind of sexual S&M codependent relationship.

Some of the things you have written could have been said by my wife at the height or depth of our Sex Starved Marriage when she hated me and every time I attempted to have sex with her she emotionally hurt me.

Let me tell you right now if a woman I was in a relationship with every said half of the things you have written, I would have kicked her out of the bed and told her that I deserved better than that. Actually I have done that with my wife. Then I learned that we were each part of the problem and had been hurting each other for years. It took a lot of change on my wife's part and my part, but with the help of a good sex therapist we were able to rebuild our marriage.

You have two great kids and total disrespect for the father of your children. I think you should stand in front of a mirror naked and take a good look at yourself, physcialy and emotionally. Then ask yourself if the father of your children and the man that married you, deserves better and more real love than you are giving him now.

I will wager that the answer is yes, even if you don't want to admit it. If so then you either need to figure out how to change yourself so he gets the love and emotional support he deserves from you, or you need to talk to him and tell him that you can't go on hurting him like you have and you want a divorce so he can be happy

Either find a good sex therapist or two good divorce attorneys. You need one or the other. Your husband is not the sole problem.

Good luck to you.

Last edited by Young at Heart; 02-15-2017 at 05:33 PM.
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post #30 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 08:05 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

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When I met my husband I was physically attracted to him, he's quite good looking, slim, dresses well, good hygiene etc.The sex was OK, at least I thought so, certainly good enough for me to imagine spending the rest of my life with him. Although looking back now I realise that I found it unusual that he always turned the lights off and kept his eyes tightly shut. He also orgasmed really quickly, but kept it up for a second time to make intercourse last more than a couple of minutes. I also from the beginning avoided mouth kissing him by kissing ears and neck etc as I found the kisses a bit sloppy. This all sounds a bit boring, but I was so in love, I didn't mind at all.

8 years later and we have to gorgeous small children. When our second child was born, that's when we really stopped having such regular sex mainly because I was just so tired all the time, at least that's what I thought..
Now I don't have the tired excuse anymore, but I just really dislike sex with my husband. Many things he does in bed actually irritate me rather than turns me on. I haven't properly kissed him for many years as I cannot stand the sloppy kisses and sex just consists of a bit of a hand job and then me rolling over to let him take me from behind for a few minutes (or maybe just one).
As it turns out he has had a huge issue with thinking his penis is too small, whereas in reality that is not the issue, it's much more an issue that he just isn't a sensual or intuitive or understanding lover - and that the sex is over so quickly hardly helps. It is just not exciting, it's like sex with an inexperienced teenager. I know how horrible this sounds for me to say. He has never attempted to go down on me and when he touches me he just sort of caresses the lips of my vagina which does absolutely nothing, so usually I just brush his hand away so he can get on with the job and get it over with.
I have only ever a few times had an orgasm during sex with him and that was in the first year of our relationship. He thinks I just have a low libido, the truth is i have a low libido around him..
On the other hand I regularly fantasize about other men, I look at porn occasionally and I masterbate maybe a few times a week. I had a pretty varied and interesting sex life before I was married and I know there is a whole world of sex out there that i'm just not experiencing.
It makes me feel sad definitely to think i'll never have passionate amazing sex again. During the last two years, I've been working out regularly and feeling phsically fit and inshape has definitely increased my libido as well as my sexual frustration. I now have developed a crush on one of the trainers at the gym, there is definitely some kind of chemistry between us although I'm pretty sure he has absolutely no idea that I am totally hung up on him and fantasise all the time about him (he's also married). I actually feel like I'm getting emotionally attached to him although I have never flirt with him or have given him any indication to my feelings. I just torture myself all the time by continuing to go the gym to see him.
Although I would never leave my husband, I imagine if the trainer was at all available or hitting on my I may have gone for it by now. I feel really guilty for admitting that.
It would hurt my husband so much to find out how much he turns me off in bed and that I've been fantasising about someone else. But the thing is he just isn't that attentive to me outside the bedroom either and I think that is part of the attraction with the trainer who on the other hand is very attentive and interested and caring (of course he is, it's part of his job!!)
I'm not sure what kind of advice people can give me here, though if things continue this way, I suppose out of desperation I will, (some years down the track), end up cheating on my husband. I don't know if I should fess up to my husband about the crush or not? He's a pretty conservative guy when it comes to relationships, I know he'd be really upset and jealous if I told him, however I find that idea easier of that much easier than trying to talk to him about how he doesn't turn me on in bed, which seems like an impossible subject. I have tried talking to him about our relationship recently, but he just wants to believe everything is fine, perhaps if I tell him about the crush he will get a wake up call to possibility that everything isn't as picture perfect as he imagines.
So cheating on your husband seems easier then talking to him? Don't be a coward. My husband was a bit of a bumbling mess too when it came to things like foreplay, so I told him and showed him what I liked and didn't. And I the same for him. Now he is very in tune with my body, but that took years!

If you aren't going to give your husband even a CHANCE at being a better lover, then don't cheat on him, divorce him instead. No one should have to feel like that. Can.you imagine if YOU sucked in bed and he was getting ready to just go **** some random chicks he spends time with? Seriously? How can people treat their PARTNERS,. The ones they vowed to love forever, so damn terribly.

Im sorry you are frustrated but you arent even giving him a chance to get better since you won't talk to him. You yourself said that he thinks he is good in bed, and that's YOUR FAULT. He doesn't know any better.

I know the problem here, and sorry to tell you, but it's not your husband. It's you. The lack of respect you show for your husband is disgraceful.
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