Husband turns me off. Advice please. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:10 PM Thread Starter
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Husband turns me off. Advice please.

When I met my husband I was physically attracted to him, he's quite good looking, slim, dresses well, good hygiene etc.The sex was OK, at least I thought so, certainly good enough for me to imagine spending the rest of my life with him. Although looking back now I realise that I found it unusual that he always turned the lights off and kept his eyes tightly shut. He also orgasmed really quickly, but kept it up for a second time to make intercourse last more than a couple of minutes. I also from the beginning avoided mouth kissing him by kissing ears and neck etc as I found the kisses a bit sloppy. This all sounds a bit boring, but I was so in love, I didn't mind at all.

8 years later and we have to gorgeous small children. When our second child was born, that's when we really stopped having such regular sex mainly because I was just so tired all the time, at least that's what I thought..
Now I don't have the tired excuse anymore, but I just really dislike sex with my husband. Many things he does in bed actually irritate me rather than turns me on. I haven't properly kissed him for many years as I cannot stand the sloppy kisses and sex just consists of a bit of a hand job and then me rolling over to let him take me from behind for a few minutes (or maybe just one).
As it turns out he has had a huge issue with thinking his penis is too small, whereas in reality that is not the issue, it's much more an issue that he just isn't a sensual or intuitive or understanding lover - and that the sex is over so quickly hardly helps. It is just not exciting, it's like sex with an inexperienced teenager. I know how horrible this sounds for me to say. He has never attempted to go down on me and when he touches me he just sort of caresses the lips of my vagina which does absolutely nothing, so usually I just brush his hand away so he can get on with the job and get it over with.
I have only ever a few times had an orgasm during sex with him and that was in the first year of our relationship. He thinks I just have a low libido, the truth is i have a low libido around him..
On the other hand I regularly fantasize about other men, I look at porn occasionally and I masterbate maybe a few times a week. I had a pretty varied and interesting sex life before I was married and I know there is a whole world of sex out there that i'm just not experiencing.
It makes me feel sad definitely to think i'll never have passionate amazing sex again. During the last two years, I've been working out regularly and feeling phsically fit and inshape has definitely increased my libido as well as my sexual frustration. I now have developed a crush on one of the trainers at the gym, there is definitely some kind of chemistry between us although I'm pretty sure he has absolutely no idea that I am totally hung up on him and fantasise all the time about him (he's also married). I actually feel like I'm getting emotionally attached to him although I have never flirt with him or have given him any indication to my feelings. I just torture myself all the time by continuing to go the gym to see him.
Although I would never leave my husband, I imagine if the trainer was at all available or hitting on my I may have gone for it by now. I feel really guilty for admitting that.
It would hurt my husband so much to find out how much he turns me off in bed and that I've been fantasising about someone else. But the thing is he just isn't that attentive to me outside the bedroom either and I think that is part of the attraction with the trainer who on the other hand is very attentive and interested and caring (of course he is, it's part of his job!!)
I'm not sure what kind of advice people can give me here, though if things continue this way, I suppose out of desperation I will, (some years down the track), end up cheating on my husband. I don't know if I should fess up to my husband about the crush or not? He's a pretty conservative guy when it comes to relationships, I know he'd be really upset and jealous if I told him, however I find that idea easier of that much easier than trying to talk to him about how he doesn't turn me on in bed, which seems like an impossible subject. I have tried talking to him about our relationship recently, but he just wants to believe everything is fine, perhaps if I tell him about the crush he will get a wake up call to possibility that everything isn't as picture perfect as he imagines.

Last edited by Vincelota; 02-14-2017 at 05:09 PM.
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post #2 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

YOU have a problem, YOU need to talk to your husband and teach him how to do things that turn you on. If HE then refuses to learn, that is a different story. But seriously, tonight in bed start messing around with him. guide his hands, teach him to read your body and what you like. Many guys are bad lovers ONLY because they are under the impression what they do is good for the woman. I can tell when something doesn't feel right to my wife, and I make adjustments until it does. I wasn't always that way, I would finger too hard, skip or cut short foreplay, etc... but eventually she learned how to tell me in a nonjudgemental way that certain things just needed to be done differently.


As far as the trainer goes, keep it a fantasy and do not act on it. Concentrate more on your husband and you will find the fantasy switches over to him. Right now you sound like you are looking for someone to say jump on the trainer and dump your husband, sorry but most folks here won't take that stance.
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post #3 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:19 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

Please use paragraph breaks, with space between the paragraphs... It's really hard to read a wall of text.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #4 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:25 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

Hey Vincelota, I think that you and I could be soul sisters, as I feel exactly the same way about my husband, and like you, have developed a bit of a crush (which I can't see myself doing anything about), and I also don't know how to talk to my H about this either. I've started going to therapy, as there are quite a few issues in our marriage that need to get resolved. This might be something to think about for you as well. And, I've started reading the book, "Feeling Good Together" by David D. Burns. There is a relationship satisfaction survey in there that I would like us to take. Like you, I also hate kissing my H, more due to really bad breath, but I had to teach him how to kiss. He was a virgin when we met, and therefore, completely clueless. He was very sloppy to the point where I had to wipe my face off between kisses. After a few pointers, he's improved a bit, but it's still not enjoyable, and like you, I often either envision someone else, or just go to my happy place until it's over. I'm really not sure what to tell you, but like me, it sounds like you may be starting to check out. This is another reason I'm going to therapy, and working on myself to better understand the situation. Unlike you, the only "kids" we have are furry, and they were mine before marriage, are in the prenup, and would go to me in the case of a divorce. I'm not well-versed when there are children involved.

Also, check out some google searches on marriage advice. There are a lot of decent reads out there, and you may get some lightbulb moments. I know I did. Rest assured though, that you're not the only one going through this.
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post #5 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

Ok thanks for the tip, I have never posted in a forum before!
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post #6 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:35 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vincelota View Post
When I met my husband I was physically attracted to him, he's quite good looking, slim, dresses well, good hygiene etc.The sex was OK, at least I thought so, certainly good enough for me to imagine spending the rest of my life with him. Although looking back now I realise that I found it unusual that he always turned the lights off and kept his eyes tightly shut. He also orgasmed really quickly, but kept it up for a second time to make intercourse last more than a couple of minutes. I also from the beginning avoided mouth kissing him by kissing ears and neck etc as I found the kisses a bit sloppy. This all sounds a bit boring, but I was so in love, I didn't mind at all.
8 years later and we have to gorgeous small children. When our second child was born, that's when we really stopped having such regular sex mainly because I was just so tired all the time, at least that's what I thought.. Now I don't have the tired excuse anymore, but I just really dislike sex with my husband. Many things he does in bed actually irritate me rather than turns me on. I haven't properly mouth kissed him now for many years because I cannot stand the sloppy unsexy kisses and sex just consists of a bit of a hand job and then me rolling over to let him take me from behind for a few minutes (or maybe just one). As it turns out he has had a huge issue with thinking his penis is too small, whereas in reality that is not the issue, it's much more an issue that he just isn't a sensual or intuitive or understanding lover - and that the sex is over so quickly hardly helps. It is just not exciting, it's like sex with an inexperienced teenager. He has never attempted to go down on me and when he touches me he just sort of caresses the lips of my vagina which does absolutely nothing, so usually I just brush his hand away so he can get on with the job and get it over with. I have only ever a few times had an orgasm during sex with him and that was in the first year of our relationship. He thinks I just have a low libido, the truth is i have a low libido around him.. On the other hand I regularly fantasise about other men, I watch porn sometimes and I masterbate maybe a few times a week. I had a pretty varied and interesting sex life before I was married and I know there is a whole world of sex out there that i'm just not experiencing. It makes me feel sad definitely to think i'll never have passionate amazing sex again. During the last two years, I've been working out regularly and am fit and attractive (I get quite a bit of unwanted male attention etc). Feeling phsically fit and inshape has definitely increased my libido and sexual frustration. I now have developed a crush on one of the trainers at the gym, there is definitely some kind of chemistry between us although I'm pretty sure he has absolutely no idea that I am totally hung up on him and fantasise all the time about him (he's also married). I actually feel like I'm getting emotionally attached to him although I have never flirt with him or have given him any indication to my feelings. I just torture myself all the time by continuing to go the gym to see him.
Although I would never leave my husband, I imagine if the trainer was at all available or hitting on my I may have gone for it by now. I feel really guilty for admitting that. It would hurt my husband so much to find out how much he turns me off in bed and that I've been fantasising about someone else. But the thing is he just isn't that attentive to me outside the bedroom either and I think that is part of the attraction with the trainer who on the other hand is very attentive and interested and caring (of course he is, it's part of his job!!)
I'm not sure what kind of advice people can give me here, though if things continue this way, I suppose out of desperation I will end up cheating on my husband with the trainer or someone else. I don't know if I should fess up to my husband about the crush or not? He's a pretty conservative guy when it comes to relationships, I know he'd be really upset and jealous if I told him, however I find that idea easier of that much easier than trying to talk to him about how he doesn't turn me on in bed, which seems like an impossible subject. I have tried talking to him about our relationship recently, but he just wants to believe everything is fine, perhaps if I tell him about the crush he will get a wake up call to possibility that everything isn't as picture perfect as he imagines.
Your sexual compatible is not stagnant!! It's like a dance it takes practice and intimacy. Don't tell him he sucks in bed, tell him we need to get better at this. It's not good enough for you anymore. Put the onus on both of you because it is both your responsibility. Yes he sucks but, he is not a mind reader, he needs direction, you should have spoken up long ago. You need to ask for what you want. Besides that, all men want a woman who responds to them. So this probably is a disappointment to him too. He doesn't want to be the safe choice.

I would have an entirely different take on this if you had written you had talked about it. But you haven't done that yet. He can't fix it if he doesn't know it's broken. Yes it's going to hurt his feelings but you need to say it nice, BUT SAY IT!

As a man and a husband, hearing this would be painful, but even worse would be that my wife didn't trust me enough to tell me what she liked and what she didn't so we could make it better. I want her to enjoy it so we can do it often. I would feel very cheated. Plus I like most men like a challenge. I would want to be the best to her. Unlike what Hollywood, books, and magazines have told us sometimes people just don't click sexualy at first. Just like sometimes people can't dance well together at first. There needs to be work. Most of all communicate!

Last edited by sokillme; 02-14-2017 at 04:42 PM.
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post #7 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

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YOU have a problem, YOU need to talk to your husband and teach him how to do things that turn you on. If HE then refuses to learn, that is a different story. .
Hi! Thanks for your advice. Yes I definitely get that it is a communication issue on my side. I just feel like it is soooooo hard to talk about this subject with my husband outside of the bedroom and it's been so many years of not enjoying the sex that I just tend to desperately want it to be over as soon as it's started.. Even the idea of teaching him to do things just kind of fills be with anxiety and dread.
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Cool Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

Well beyond time for a "Come to Jesus Meeting" where you need to let your hair down to him!

Your demands are far from being unreasonable!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #9 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

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Hey Vincelota, I think that you and I could be soul sisters, as I feel exactly the same way about my husband, and like you, have developed a bit of a crush (which I can't see myself doing anything about), and I also don't know how to talk to my H about this either. I've started going to therapy, as there are quite a few issues in our marriage that need to get resolved. This might be something to think about for you as well. And, I've started reading the book, "Feeling Good Together" by David D. Burns. There is a relationship satisfaction survey in there that I would like us to take. Like you, I also hate kissing my H, more due to really bad breath, but I had to teach him how to kiss. He was a virgin when we met, and therefore, completely clueless. He was very sloppy to the point where I had to wipe my face off between kisses. After a few pointers, he's improved a bit, but it's still not enjoyable, and like you, I often either envision someone else, or just go to my happy place until it's over. I'm really not sure what to tell you, but like me, it sounds like you may be starting to check out. This is another reason I'm going to therapy, and working on myself to better understand the situation. Unlike you, the only "kids" we have are furry, and they were mine before marriage, are in the prenup, and would go to me in the case of a divorce. I'm not well-versed when there are children involved.

Also, check out some google searches on marriage advice. There are a lot of decent reads out there, and you may get some lightbulb moments. I know I did. Rest assured though, that you're not the only one going through this.

Hi Ursula, thanks for your advice. I have definitely been ignoring this issue for too long and will check that book out, it will be a good start. I would really like to see a sex therapist or marriage counsellor too, although we currently live in a non-english speaking country and it's not so easy to find someone to talk to here.
Good luck to you !
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post #10 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 05:03 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

Its difficult to talk about but you *need* to talk about it.

As someone else posted, if you have told him what you want and he won't do it, that is one thing, but it is possible that he honestly doesn't know. (and that you may not know what he wants).

You could be one conversation away from a happy passionate sex life.

Of course he might be unwilling to do what you want, but you would know.

If you talk, don't make it accusative. Don't talk about what you don't like, instead talk about what you would like.

What have you got to lose?


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Originally Posted by Vincelota View Post
Hi! Thanks for your advice. Yes I definitely get that it is a communication issue on my side. I just feel like it is soooooo hard to talk about this subject with my husband outside of the bedroom and it's been so many years of not enjoying the sex that I just tend to desperately want it to be over as soon as it's started.. Even the idea of teaching him to do things just kind of fills be with anxiety and dread.
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post #11 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 05:21 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

I agree with sokillme.
My advice, take some control of your sex life.
So your H is never going to be that hot trainer that you imagine would rock your world and satisfy your sexual fantasies. He probably has his own issues sexually anyway so the grass isn't necessarily greener.

So what do you do? Take control in the bedroom and teach your H. Stop masturbating and watching porn, and direct all that sexual frustration back to him and improving your sex life. Perhaps include him in the porn and masturbation if he can join you, be involved, help, or do it to you. If you use a toy, see if you can teach him to use it on you. I understand reaching orgasm is a problem (which masturbation can provide) but if you include him, he might learn things about what makes you feel good and it could lead to better sex.

Some ideas:
Ask him about what he likes sexually or fantasizes about or tell him what you'd like and how.
I'll give an example. My wife likes being spanked while having intercourse and having her hair pulled (gently.) She likes me verbally reaffirming to her that she's a good girl while treating her like a bad one. I mean this isn't always, but sometimes she's in the mood for it and it drives her absolutely wild to multiple orgasms. I didn't know this about her for the first 15 years with her until I discovered it basically accidentally. Until then, I was always pretty sensual and gentle with her. The sex was always great, but relatively "normal" I'd say when in fact I can be a pretty kinky person, myslef. Who knew?
Had she just told me what she liked or asked me what I'm into, we might have discovered some of these kinky things a long time ago. I've since discovered other things about what she likes. But I learned that the more dominant I am with her, the more she likes it (usually.) All she had to do was say so.

So what do you do? Maybe start coaching him. Teach him how you like to kiss. Tell him what to do. Teach him how to properly go down on you. My W seems to be turned off when I ask her questions about whether or not what I'm doing is good or bad (because sometimes she's not giving me good feedback) and I admit it breaks the moment, but I try to tell her that the more she helps me, the better I'm going to be at pleasing her (and won't have to ask as much anymore.) I think (I know) I was always great at going down, but she's taught me to be better or at least better at the way she likes it. She likes different things at different times, so I try them until I find out what's working for her that day.

I don't know, but if you can sort of train him to be the partner you're looking for, maybe he'll catch on and start being that partner without you having to work at it. Initially, he's going to question why you're doing this, but tell him it's because you want to turn up the spark in your sex life and improve it for the both of you.
He may also have things he wants to do or is afraid to try because he doesn't think you'll like them.

I don't know, I think it's worth a shot. Decide that you want better sex with him and make it happen rather than be a victim of an inadequate partner.

There are also books you can direct him to read. Really you have to get over not wanting to hurt his feelings and communicate to him that you're sexually unsatisfied and give him the opportunity to learn. He's either going to go for it, or reject it because he doesn't want to change.
Personally, I like it when my wife corrects me and tells me that she doesn't like something and when what I'm doing works for her.

I know it's cliche' but the advice on here almost always goes back to communication. If you can communicate your spouse, you give them the opportunity to improve. Not communicating will not make things better.
Just approach the communication as being constructive and wanting to spice things up and make the relationship stronger rather than as criticism or inadequacy. Being positive tends to make them less defensive and more willing to work at it.

I had a lull in my sex life. I'm still working at it. Through a series of conversations and even a "fight" or two we continue to work toward a much better situation. Sex is back, better than ever, and improving.

Good luck.
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post #12 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 06:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

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I agree with sokillme.
My advice, take some control of your sex life.
So your H is never going to be that hot trainer that you imagine would rock your world and satisfy your sexual fantasies. He probably has his own issues sexually anyway so the grass isn't necessarily greener.

So what do you do? Take control in the bedroom and teach your H. Stop masturbating and watching porn, and direct all that sexual frustration back to him and improving your sex life. Perhaps include him in the porn and masturbation if he can join you, be involved, help, or do it to you. If you use a toy, see if you can teach him to use it on you. I understand reaching orgasm is a problem (which masturbation can provide) but if you include him, he might learn things about what makes you feel good and it could lead to better sex.

Some ideas:
Ask him about what he likes sexually or fantasizes about or tell him what you'd like and how.
I'll give an example. My wife likes being spanked while having intercourse and having her hair pulled (gently.) She likes me verbally reaffirming to her that she's a good girl while treating her like a bad one. I mean this isn't always, but sometimes she's in the mood for it and it drives her absolutely wild to multiple orgasms. I didn't know this about her for the first 15 years with her until I discovered it basically accidentally. Until then, I was always pretty sensual and gentle with her. The sex was always great, but relatively "normal" I'd say when in fact I can be a pretty kinky person, myslef. Who knew?
Had she just told me what she liked or asked me what I'm into, we might have discovered some of these kinky things a long time ago. I've since discovered other things about what she likes. But I learned that the more dominant I am with her, the more she likes it (usually.) All she had to do was say so.

So what do you do? Maybe start coaching him. Teach him how you like to kiss. Tell him what to do. Teach him how to properly go down on you. My W seems to be turned off when I ask her questions about whether or not what I'm doing is good or bad (because sometimes she's not giving me good feedback) and I admit it breaks the moment, but I try to tell her that the more she helps me, the better I'm going to be at pleasing her (and won't have to ask as much anymore.) I think (I know) I was always great at going down, but she's taught me to be better or at least better at the way she likes it. She likes different things at different times, so I try them until I find out what's working for her that day.

I don't know, but if you can sort of train him to be the partner you're looking for, maybe he'll catch on and start being that partner without you having to work at it. Initially, he's going to question why you're doing this, but tell him it's because you want to turn up the spark in your sex life and improve it for the both of you.
He may also have things he wants to do or is afraid to try because he doesn't think you'll like them.

I don't know, I think it's worth a shot. Decide that you want better sex with him and make it happen rather than be a victim of an inadequate partner.

There are also books you can direct him to read. Really you have to get over not wanting to hurt his feelings and communicate to him that you're sexually unsatisfied and give him the opportunity to learn. He's either going to go for it, or reject it because he doesn't want to change.
Personally, I like it when my wife corrects me and tells me that she doesn't like something and when what I'm doing works for her.

I know it's cliche' but the advice on here almost always goes back to communication. If you can communicate your spouse, you give them the opportunity to improve. Not communicating will not make things better.
Just approach the communication as being constructive and wanting to spice things up and make the relationship stronger rather than as criticism or inadequacy. Being positive tends to make them less defensive and more willing to work at it.

I had a lull in my sex life. I'm still working at it. Through a series of conversations and even a "fight" or two we continue to work toward a much better situation. Sex is back, better than ever, and improving.

Good luck.
WOW, Your openly communicative relationship is quite inspiring!!
One issue is that I don't have any desire to do anything with him at this point.
The other is that actually we have, during the years, had a couple of conversations brought up by him due to my basic lack of interest. I did the wrong thing by assuring him that for me having an orgasm isn't important as far enjoying sex (which obviously wasn't entirely truthful) however I had also tentatively mentioned during both those conversations that perhaps bringing a vibrator into bed would be a good idea as I don't climax very easily. He never took me up on that idea. I feel like he also is too tentative to do something so "different" in bed like that.
I find communication with my H difficult on most issues, whereas I am a pretty open communicator in general. I just feel like after several years of silence on this issue, it's so hard to suddenly open the dialogue.
Also about him going down on me - he has NEVER done that.. is that not a sign that he just isn't interested? He did once very long ago sort of approach going down there, but he did it so tentatively, I felt awkward so awkward I wiggled around to get him back up to me. By now, him going down, would feel almost taboo for me, although in previous relationships I loved having a man down there between my legs and given enough time was able to orgasm.
I know from experience, I am also turned on by being with a more dominant partner, however I just feel that my H doesn't have it in him to be that way with me, I just cannot imagine it at all!! He is much softer and slower in bed, partially because he doesn't want to come to quickly. Actually I have just always imagined someone naturally is more dominant as a lover, or is not! Just as some men are more interested in pleasing their partner than others. Perhaps I was wrong about that..
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post #13 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 06:28 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

I think its still a matter of communication - at least to try.

Its difficult to tell if he doesn't know what you want, or doesn't care.

Have you ever tried being a bit dominant with him? It might actually make him feel free to be the same way with you. (or not).

His tentativeness may be that he knows you aren't enjoying much but he is worried how you might react to things he would try.

He doesn't give you oral, do you do it for him?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Vincelota View Post
WOW, Your openly communicative relationship is quite inspiring!!
One issue is that I don't have any desire to do anything with him at this point.
The other is that actually we have, during the years, had a couple of conversations brought up by him due to my basic lack of interest. I did the wrong thing by assuring him that for me having an orgasm isn't important as far enjoying sex (which obviously wasn't entirely truthful) however I had also tentatively mentioned during both those conversations that perhaps bringing a vibrator into bed would be a good idea as I don't climax very easily. He never took me up on that idea. I feel like he also is too tentative to do something so "different" in bed like that.
I find communication with my H difficult on most issues, whereas I am a pretty open communicator in general. I just feel like after several years of silence on this issue, it's so hard to suddenly open the dialogue.
Also about him going down on me - he has NEVER done that.. is that not a sign that he just isn't interested? He did once very long ago sort of approach going down there, but he did it so tentatively, I felt awkward so awkward I wiggled around to get him back up to me. By now, him going down, would feel almost taboo for me, although in previous relationships I loved having a man down there between my legs and given enough time was able to orgasm.
I know from experience, I am also turned on by being with a more dominant partner, however I just feel that my H doesn't have it in him to be that way with me, I just cannot imagine it at all!! He is much softer and slower in bed, partially because he doesn't want to come to quickly. Actually I have just always imagined someone naturally is more dominant as a lover, or is not! Just as some men are more interested in pleasing their partner than others. Perhaps I was wrong about that..
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post #14 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:08 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vincelota View Post
WOW, Your openly communicative relationship is quite inspiring!!
One issue is that I don't have any desire to do anything with him at this point.
The other is that actually we have, during the years, had a couple of conversations brought up by him due to my basic lack of interest. I did the wrong thing by assuring him that for me having an orgasm isn't important as far enjoying sex (which obviously wasn't entirely truthful) however I had also tentatively mentioned during both those conversations that perhaps bringing a vibrator into bed would be a good idea as I don't climax very easily. He never took me up on that idea. I feel like he also is too tentative to do something so "different" in bed like that.
I find communication with my H difficult on most issues, whereas I am a pretty open communicator in general. I just feel like after several years of silence on this issue, it's so hard to suddenly open the dialogue.
Also about him going down on me - he has NEVER done that.. is that not a sign that he just isn't interested? He did once very long ago sort of approach going down there, but he did it so tentatively, I felt awkward so awkward I wiggled around to get him back up to me. By now, him going down, would feel almost taboo for me, although in previous relationships I loved having a man down there between my legs and given enough time was able to orgasm.
I know from experience, I am also turned on by being with a more dominant partner, however I just feel that my H doesn't have it in him to be that way with me, I just cannot imagine it at all!! He is much softer and slower in bed, partially because he doesn't want to come to quickly. Actually I have just always imagined someone naturally is more dominant as a lover, or is not! Just as some men are more interested in pleasing their partner than others. Perhaps I was wrong about that..
This post seems to say that you are not really interested in working it out with your husband. It kind of sounds like you are done and want to move on. If that is the case - then be done and move on! Don't stick around until you cheat and blow the marriage up.

If it's not the case - then stop making excuses and telling us why you aren't working on - and line up a good sex therapist (some will do skype sessions if you can't find someone in the country you live in) and get busy working to try to solve the problems that are bothering you.

I am not trying to be harsh here - I actually get where you are coming from. But your crush on the trainor is making you look at your husband in an even more negative way than you would be if you weren't crushing on someone. In a way it sounds like you think the grass looks greener on the other side - and because what you really want to do is go try out that grass - you are convincing yourself you don't even have any grass at all on your side.

People can change - being a good sex partner is a learned skill! You have not even given him a chance to learn! So the fault is not all with your husband, is it?

If you really want to stay with your husband and try to make your marriage work - here is my suggestions:
1. Change gyms immediately - and from now on train only with a woman.
2. Recommit to your marriage and to your husband
3. Start seriously looking for a good sex therapist.
4. Start working on changing yourself. It sounds like you have/are making your fair share of mistakes in your marriage that has/are greatly contributing to the problem. Take the beam out of your eye before trying to take the splinter out of his eye.
5. Check out this site and DO the things it says for you to do! Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice (Better yet - read it together with your husband to start the dialogue you both so desperately need to be having.

If you do all the above for at least a year - and nothing changes - then it may be time to think about moving on.

But from what you have said so far - maybe you should actually try to work on things first before giving up and throwing in the towel.
mary35 is offline  
post #15 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:09 PM
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Re: Husband turns me off. Advice please.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vincelota View Post
WOW, Your openly communicative relationship is quite inspiring!!
One issue is that I don't have any desire to do anything with him at this point.
The other is that actually we have, during the years, had a couple of conversations brought up by him due to my basic lack of interest. I did the wrong thing by assuring him that for me having an orgasm isn't important as far enjoying sex (which obviously wasn't entirely truthful) however I had also tentatively mentioned during both those conversations that perhaps bringing a vibrator into bed would be a good idea as I don't climax very easily. He never took me up on that idea. I feel like he also is too tentative to do something so "different" in bed like that.
I find communication with my H difficult on most issues, whereas I am a pretty open communicator in general. I just feel like after several years of silence on this issue, it's so hard to suddenly open the dialogue.
Also about him going down on me - he has NEVER done that.. is that not a sign that he just isn't interested? He did once very long ago sort of approach going down there, but he did it so tentatively, I felt awkward so awkward I wiggled around to get him back up to me. By now, him going down, would feel almost taboo for me, although in previous relationships I loved having a man down there between my legs and given enough time was able to orgasm.
I know from experience, I am also turned on by being with a more dominant partner, however I just feel that my H doesn't have it in him to be that way with me, I just cannot imagine it at all!! He is much softer and slower in bed, partially because he doesn't want to come to quickly. Actually I have just always imagined someone naturally is more dominant as a lover, or is not! Just as some men are more interested in pleasing their partner than others. Perhaps I was wrong about that..
It's not as great or easy as I make it sound. She isn't an openly sexual person never talks about it. She very rarely ever shows any interest and I'm pleasantly surprised when she does.
She's really not a good communicator and I feel like I have to drag things out of her her all of the time. She fears conflict and hates to argue or fight. As a result, she holds back.

What happened with me is that I hit a point where I was so unhappy that I felt I had nothing to lose by laying it all out. If anything, at worst we'd divorce and I viewed that as an opportunity to find happiness again. Not surprisingly, when I forced a conversation, it all opened up enough I push to keep that going. It's not where I wish it was, but it's working enough for now. I try very hard to not be critical or negative and make communication a positive experience.

So when you say it's hard to suddenly open dialog, I know exactly what you mean. I spent months trying to build up the nerve to talk to her and even find a time when she wasn't distracted. But I finally did and that's the moment things improved. You have to recognize this is the time to do exactly that. Get him to sit down when the kids are in bed, no distractions, and find the words to do it. First, you have to figure out what you want, then find a way to say it. Don't waste more time.

I worded it as "bringing back the spark" initially which is exactly what you expect to hear from a spouse when your sex life is stagnant. It suggests returning romance and sex. No spouse is going to say no to that unless they really don't want to and if that's the case that's another conversation to have.

Some guys, I guess, just don't like to go down on a woman. I can't relate. It's one of my favorite things to do. I like it more than she does, I'm sure. Maybe when you talk to him, you can ask him. Ask him if he doesn't like it. You'll find out. Feeling taboo? That almost sounds a goal to me That might be exactly the excitement needed.

Some guys aren't really dominant. I don't think I really used to be but I learned to be that way when I figured out that's what women want. Maybe you can ask him if he'd try to be more dominant and try to explain what that's like. My wife likes me to hold her arms down, pinning her to the bed. That's something she taught me. I was afraid to do that until she told me she wanted it.

It seems your problem is that you don't even want to have a sexual relationship with him anymore. I'm not sure what to tell you. You want to have an affair and you're looking for justification, maybe. So if you want to improve things, you're going to have to address it. It's not going to fix itself.

Does he know how much you masturbate or watch porn or do you hide it from him?
Any thoughts on asking him to be involved?

I think I'd jump at the chance but I'm very different from your H. If my wife suggested toys, I'd have some delivered overnight

Well, think about it. Think about what you might achieve if you address this. Think about what you want (if you even want anything.) Think about what you think he wants.

One thing I tell guys that are getting no sex is to tell their wife that they want more sex in their relationship and ask her to provide a solution. Then wait for her answer. She'll tell them what they need to know to fix things.
Maybe you can take a similar tactic. Communicating that you're unsatisfied with the sex you have, explain to him what you'd like to have, and ask if he could be more like that.

My wife explained to me several times, "I'm not like that and that isn't going to change" about a few things which told me what I had to work with. I managed to find what did work for us. Maybe you can figure out his limits.

This is all just stuff to think about. I know it's not that simple. Best of luck.
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