WOW, Your openly communicative relationship is quite inspiring!!
One issue is that I don't have any desire to do anything with him at this point.
The other is that actually we have, during the years, had a couple of conversations brought up by him due to my basic lack of interest. I did the wrong thing by assuring him that for me having an orgasm isn't important as far enjoying sex (which obviously wasn't entirely truthful) however I had also tentatively mentioned during both those conversations that perhaps bringing a vibrator into bed would be a good idea as I don't climax very easily. He never took me up on that idea. I feel like he also is too tentative to do something so "different" in bed like that.
I find communication with my H difficult on most issues, whereas I am a pretty open communicator in general. I just feel like after several years of silence on this issue, it's so hard to suddenly open the dialogue.
Also about him going down on me - he has NEVER done that.. is that not a sign that he just isn't interested? He did once very long ago sort of approach going down there, but he did it so tentatively, I felt awkward so awkward I wiggled around to get him back up to me. By now, him going down, would feel almost taboo for me, although in previous relationships I loved having a man down there between my legs and given enough time was able to orgasm.
I know from experience, I am also turned on by being with a more dominant partner, however I just feel that my H doesn't have it in him to be that way with me, I just cannot imagine it at all!! He is much softer and slower in bed, partially because he doesn't want to come to quickly. Actually I have just always imagined someone naturally is more dominant as a lover, or is not! Just as some men are more interested in pleasing their partner than others. Perhaps I was wrong about that..
It's not as great or easy as I make it sound. She isn't an openly sexual person never talks about it. She very rarely ever shows any interest and I'm pleasantly surprised when she does.
She's really not a good communicator and I feel like I have to drag things out of her her all of the time. She fears conflict and hates to argue or fight. As a result, she holds back.
What happened with me is that I hit a point where I was so unhappy that I felt I had nothing to lose by laying it all out. If anything, at worst we'd divorce and I viewed that as an opportunity to find happiness again. Not surprisingly, when I forced a conversation, it all opened up enough I push to keep that going. It's not where I wish it was, but it's working enough for now. I try very hard to not be critical or negative and make communication a positive experience.
So when you say it's hard to suddenly open dialog, I know exactly what you mean. I spent months trying to build up the nerve to talk to her and even find a time when she wasn't distracted. But I finally did and that's the moment things improved. You have to recognize this is the time to do exactly that. Get him to sit down when the kids are in bed, no distractions, and find the words to do it. First, you have to figure out what you want, then find a way to say it. Don't waste more time.
I worded it as "bringing back the spark" initially which is exactly what you expect to hear from a spouse when your sex life is stagnant. It suggests returning romance and sex. No spouse is going to say no to that unless they really don't want to and if that's the case that's another conversation to have.
Some guys, I guess, just don't like to go down on a woman. I can't relate. It's one of my favorite things to do. I like it more than she does, I'm sure. Maybe when you talk to him, you can ask him. Ask him if he doesn't like it. You'll find out. Feeling taboo? That almost sounds a goal to me
That might be exactly the excitement needed.
Some guys aren't really dominant. I don't think I really used to be but I learned to be that way when I figured out that's what women want. Maybe you can ask him if he'd try to be more dominant and try to explain what that's like. My wife likes me to hold her arms down, pinning her to the bed. That's something she taught me. I was afraid to do that until she told me she wanted it.
It seems your problem is that you don't even want to have a sexual relationship with him anymore. I'm not sure what to tell you. You want to have an affair and you're looking for justification, maybe. So if you want to improve things, you're going to have to address it. It's not going to fix itself.
Does he know how much you masturbate or watch porn or do you hide it from him?
Any thoughts on asking him to be involved?
I think I'd jump at the chance but I'm very different from your H. If my wife suggested toys, I'd have some delivered overnight
Well, think about it. Think about what you might achieve if you address this. Think about what you want (if you even want anything.) Think about what you think he wants.
One thing I tell guys that are getting no sex is to tell their wife that they want more sex in their relationship and ask her to provide a solution. Then wait for her answer. She'll tell them what they need to know to fix things.
Maybe you can take a similar tactic. Communicating that you're unsatisfied with the sex you have, explain to him what you'd like to have, and ask if he could be more like that.
My wife explained to me several times, "I'm not like that and that isn't going to change" about a few things which told me what I had to work with. I managed to find what did work for us. Maybe you can figure out his limits.
This is all just stuff to think about. I know it's not that simple. Best of luck.