Improve my sex life - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 06:17 PM Thread Starter
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Improve my sex life

I am 35, my wife and I have been married for over 8 years. Sex was not always great but I thought I did give her some moments. However, since the birth of our son, our sex life has been terrible and it's been 3 years now. Reasons are many.

First off, I'm more on the below average side, mine P is probably just 4-5" length and the girth is probably small too; I guess her V is bigger after giving birth and makes it worse. I never tried any P extension but have one ordered on the way (the one recommended in MrsBananaRama thread).

Second, I have PE. I tried some sprays and it helps me last longer but it's a bit uncomfortable since my penis feels real hot when I put on the spray. Also we are not a couple of scheduled sex nights, so some nights I wanted to and I put on the spray but then my wife was tired and refused, or some nights we were in the heated moment and I paused to put on the spray but then we made it too fast and the spray was not in effect yet (it takes about 10 minutes to be effective). I found alcohol helps too but I'm not a drinker. And even when it lasted longer I still felt like it's not long enough for her and she's not getting orgasm. With the spray or alcohol I still can get only 5 minutes.

Another important reason is that my wife needs PIV. I know my limitation and I have read a lot about oral sex and I can give her head for half an hour or so with my tongue and my fingers and she likes it but still not totally happy. I read some women get wild orgasm with oral but not my wife, unfortunately.

What should I do to improve the situation? Should I do any operation to make my P bigger (and longer) or just stick with extension toy? Regarding PE, I plan to talk to my primary care physician to see if I can get any drugs for it. I have also talked to my wife about having it twice in a night, she give me a blow first and I do my turn in 30 minutes or 1 hour later. The problem with this is that it's probably around 9:30pm by the time our son gets to bed and we tend to sleep early, around 10:30 - 11pm since my wife goes to work early in the morning. In my 20s the time between 2 erections were only around 15 minutes but now it's at least 30 minutes. So we can't do this often.
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post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 06:47 PM
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Re: Improve my sex life

Zoloft, an anti anxiety, can delay ejaculation and often is prescribed for PE. Talk to your doc.
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post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 11:36 PM
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post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 01:24 AM
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Re: Improve my sex life

go to a sex therapist with your wife. You will both benefit. Sensate focus exercises with your wife will teach you both about your arousal response and hers. Good luck.
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post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:31 AM
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Re: Improve my sex life

Very important question, who is it that feels your wife is not satisfied?

YOU, because you fear if you can't give her explosive orgasms each time that she will stop being in love with you.

HER, because she is frustrated about something and is complaining that she wishes that you lasted longer.
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post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 09:16 AM
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Re: Improve my sex life

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
Very important question, who is it that feels your wife is not satisfied?

YOU, because you fear if you can't give her explosive orgasms each time that she will stop being in love with you.

HER, because she is frustrated about something and is complaining that she wishes that you lasted longer.


Are you saying it is one or the other, or both? I can see this being both eventually, snowball effect.
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post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Improve my sex life

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You don't have premature ejaculation.
I don't get it? Why do you say so?

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
Very important question, who is it that feels your wife is not satisfied?

YOU, because you fear if you can't give her explosive orgasms each time that she will stop being in love with you.

HER, because she is frustrated about something and is complaining that she wishes that you lasted longer.
Very good question, I guess both. My wife is not frustrated and often trying to encourage me (like "relax, it's ok just go for it") but many times when I got to the end (ejaculated) and she's still trying to move her body to get more, or simply asking for more (right at that moment). On my part I know it's short and the fact that I got nervous about it makes it worse. I love her and I want it to be good for her.

Another issue is that my wife has never used birth control pills because she's afraid she won't remember to take it regularly, so most of the time I used condoms, which doesn't help her satisfaction. We have also talked about this recently and it's something we will try.

Last edited by bbad; 02-19-2017 at 11:42 AM.
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post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:37 AM
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Re: Improve my sex life

Have her do kegels, and you should also do kegels and reverse kegels for PE
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post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: Improve my sex life

seeing a sex therapist is the best thing you can do to improve your sex life
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post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: Improve my sex life

There are other BC methods besides the pill. My wife gets the shot. Discuss with her GYN.
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post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:18 PM
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Re: Improve my sex life

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My wife is not frustrated.... I love her and I want it to be good for her.
Read that over and over a few times!

Odds are she wants you to be happy and may be getting frustrated as to why she can't please you... have you ever thought of that? In reality she can't please you because you are too worried about pleasing her. At the end of the day, no one is pleased.

Simply enjoy sex! Compliment her! Let her see you pleased with her! Encourage HER to ask for something from you if she wants it, but WAIT until she actually asks you for something!

Regards,
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post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: Improve my sex life

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I don't get it? Why do you say so?
Based on what you have disclosed, I don't see you having PE.

I am basing this conclusion on the DSM-V criteria for clinical diagnosis.


My estimation is that you are subjectively diagnosing yourself based on external factors (her). Statistically speaking, only a few percent of men actually have PE. This doesn't mean we can't improve your duration or experience, however.
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post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 01:21 PM
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Re: Improve my sex life

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Based on what you have disclosed, I don't see you having PE.
I agree! Sometimes my wife just wants to please me and for it to be quick, so I have played around with ideas to induce myself to have PE on a few occasions, kind of as a way to surprise her and say, "OMG you are so hot that only took about 15 seconds!" (whereas normally I enjoy going for about half an hour). Some women actually do enjoy a husband that finishes fast, and she may be asking you "don't stop" because she knows it pushes you over the edge!

But I know everyone's context is different. Just keep in mind her wanting a little more is way better than her getting frustrated and asking why it is taking you so long.
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post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 04:53 PM
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Re: Improve my sex life

Have you tried sex toys?
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post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 09:07 PM
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Re: Improve my sex life

Have you asked her what she really wants from you honestly? Maybe her body has changed from birth and she feels like she can't enjoy the sex you had previously. Maybe you need to ask her what positions she would enjoy to make it more pleasurable for her. Maybe she is having physical issues with getting aroused due to her body being different. Ask her. I know that after having two children there are parts of me that hurt in certain positions, or there is a lack of sensation. I now know what positions I like to make it better for me and my husband just happened to like them too. There are articles in Mens Health online with pictures of all different positions for oral and penetrative sex. Look at them together.

You both sound like you are putting a lot of pressure and expectation on yourselves, when talking together about your expectations for satisfaction might be a better solution. Frame it in a way that you are asking her because you want to have satisfying and intimate sex for her and with her. You want to understand her body and how its changed and her needs. If she knows she has that level of connection with you then she will feel even closer to you.

My husband also suffers from PE and you have to work together to manage it. You sound like you have a lot more control physically and mentally than a lot of PE suffers. Maybe you are putting pressure on yourself by labelling something that only happens occasionally.

in relation to managing it I can tell you that you have to train your body to be comfortable with the physical feeling of her V before you actually have intercourse. Otherwise its a sensory overload and it can end too soon. If you slow things down and enter her slowly in the beginning (not fully) and do that a number of times as part of your sexual routine, then when you are ready to achieve full penetration her anticipation will be high and she will be more aroused and you will feel bigger to her also.

After you can do this without issue you can try different positions and speeds and whatever you like. What is important is that you are both mindful in the moment. It is not dirty to ask questions during sex, whether she likes it, how fast she wants it to go etc.

You sound as though you are disconnected from each other, as you are trying to satisfy what you think each others needs are without actually knowing them.

With regard to the contraception maybe your wife should talk to her GP. Maybe a Mirena would work for her. Its not a pill and won't affect her hormones and reproduction and there would be no need for you to use a condom (only if you wanted).
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