Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Coming from a happy, healthy and committed relationship. I'm soon to be married, in early 2013. I couldn't be HAPPIER, or more in love, and it goes both ways. I often think to myself "I wish everyone could experience this kind of love, devotation, commitment and happiness in their life time; it's truly amazing."
I previously have had 1 serious relationship that was very controlling and abusive; physically, sexually and emotionally. As you can imagine, it was everything BUT what a real relationship is like, or is about.
I am a confident, secure, honest and a loyal woman. I'm very innocent when it comes to relationships, and other than what i've read, researched myself, or taken elective credits in school, I don't have much "real time" experience with relationships.
He possesses the same traits, and he has had one relationship also. She was unfaithful (and denied it), and he ended their relationship. He spoke her nearly 6 years later over dinner, to clear the water, which he has never spoken to her again. Not relevant, but show's his level of confidence, honesty and trueness to himself
Niether of us have a lot of relationship experience, but I have had longer experience then him. I have had way less experience with different partners, and he has had more experience with different partners in the bedroom (Not in a bad way, but lived the typical college bachelor life).
We are honest and open with each other. We trust each other. We have good communications skills over all, and every area of our commitment to each other is exceptional. We are two very in love and happy individuals.
His young, 20 something year old (virgin) work buddy is shipping out for the marines in febuary. Some work buddies and him (Fiance) are planning to take the virgin marine out to the strip club for his going away party. I get it. There guys, and he is over the age of 20 and a virgin.
While chatting the other day about the going away event he mentions "..since my birthday is in febuary I thought we would do it all in one celebration weekend." Im also ok with that, but didn't expect him to celebrate his birthday in this kind of way...I thought it was about his Virgin co-worker going not his birthday, BUT..the reality of that is..it's convienent, and I don't care. No questions ask..I like to pick and chose my thoughts/battles..and It does not bother me he goes. Through our conversation, I asked if he thought VIP Dances/Private dances are an ok thing to do during a committed relationship, or in marriage. He personally thinks they are. I do not. He asked me what I thought, and I told him "I don't think they are ok." He said he wouldn't get one then, out of respect for me. I respect that, and that's all I'm looking for..that's EXACTLY what I'm looking for, or ask. Beyond that, I trust him, and there is no doubt in my mind he will hold true to his word.
However, a lot of different emotions and questions seem to popping up in my mind. I don't get it. I don't get men. Maybe it's my pure outlook on relationships and marriage, or my innocensse but a day later, and I feel sad he thinks they are ok. I've thought this out a little more and here are some things that come to mind..
Why does he think this is ok?
Had I not given my viewpoint..and he ever proceeded with one..I would feel like..
This is emotional cheating. You have another woman that you have picked out and paid that you think is sexually attractive to give you a personal, private, sexual dance. You are emotionally thinking about another women sexually, and physically have her there, dancing around you naked, or even on top of you naked. Yeah, he can't touch her, nor would he touch her, but she can touch him. Would he allow her to dance on his lap; grinding, moving, etc. OR put/rub her lady bits on him/in his face-I don't know? Probably..that's truly the point of a VIP dance. How is this not cheating? If this was going on at a bar, it would be cheating, but because he has made advanced plans to go, and is PAYING her for this, it's not considered cheating...only because it's socially acceptable for men to do this?
I understand men are visual creatures, but why is it not satisfying enough to be 3 feet from her watching her dance on stage, rather than having her dance for you, on top of you, alone in a VIP.
How could the thought of wanting another women to sexually arouse him go through his head? He said it wouldn't be arousing to him..BUT..that is the sole intent and purpose of a VIP dance. Granted, a male stripper would not give me the same sexual satisfaction a female one would for a male, but in the same light, even though it doesn't, there is no way I would ever want a VIP dance from a male stripper, or morally feel it would be ok. My feelings are, if you have a dedicated, loyal and spouse at home (he is just as good to me too, folks), that you could do anything you want with, why is the thought of partaking in sexual things with another woman there?
Final verdict for me?
Strip clubs--PARTY it up (!!) Yes, He is coming home to me at the end of the night. And I have full faith and trust in him and our relationship..
VIP Dances/Private dances- No chance. Not appropriate in my eyes, at all. Would it be the end of the world if he did? No, i'd get over it, because this is what society is like anyway, but I'd be hurt, and we would have some rough terrian to go over. Point is, he wouldn't do it, because he loves and respects me.
I prefer responses to be from BOTH men and women, as well as from married people, or from someone whom has been in a devoted, happy and healthy relationship for some time.
My wife is a skilled pole dancer, and I even learnt a few tricks from her (but no one in RL knows that >.<... f--king embarrassing for a man to be on a pole)
But that's her past (and it includes far more then just pole dancing), still it's an effective form of exercise. A close friend of ours who also knew her past told me that others paid almost double the usual escort rate where I get it all for free and without effort.
Still, skill and talent isn't everything. I can be judged as an unappreciative bastard but I'm testiment to the fact that men are not just all about sex.
Thanks for reading and for your viewpoint. I can agree, to some sense, what your saying, however, the reality of the situation is, is there is a difference between being a skilled pole dance, and being a stripper? Yes. Strippers are there to demonstrate their skills in a sexual way-Why--Because they are naked, and it goes beyond just a pole dance, men are there for the sexual experience, or, for the visual of naked women dancing for them.
As far as pole dancing-- I get that. But going back to the feelings I'm having..why does it have to be naked skilled dancers..if it was about skilled pole dancing..if those were the true intentions and people were that intrigued by the art of pole dancing..there would be much more mainstream ways of viewing it..or even participating in it and it would be directed towards different audiences..and exclude nudity.
But..it's about VIP dances and private dances..not watching women pole dance. Paying women extra money..for one on one time..for what? What is the true intentions and point of a vip dance. I'd love to hear men's true and honest definitions of what the purpose of a VIP dance is.
The more I write, the more I feel..well maybe this is something that I need to communicate directly with him on.
in my view either party in a relationship going to a strip club, is as you said, emotional cheating.
you are going with the intent of being at least visually satisfied sexually by someone outside of your relationship no matter what excuse you use, ie taking out a virgin going into the military, or anything else.
i view it as disrespecting the SO and the relationship, even if they say it ok with them.
Re: VIP dances for comitted man at the strip club..ok or not?
Newsflash....VIP lapdances are usually in private rooms and may include a handjob or even blowjob if the tip is right. At a minimum, the guy is probably allowed to finger her...so, if you are ok with your man fingering another woman, then, sure, nothing wrong with a VIP lap dance.
The most fun I have ever had at a strip club is when my wife (then fiancee) went to a strip club, two very sexy dancers gave us VIP lap dances, encouraged us to finger them, made out with my wife a little and promised us some real fun if we bought 30 minute dances (I think it would have been $100 for each dancer).
Instead, we declined, went upstairs to a private video booth and had sex with each other...free of charge...hellloooo.
I seriously doubt that your man will NOT get a dance but ignorance is bliss although it has bothered you enough to start this thread so I think you are more concerned than you say. Posted via Mobile Device
While chatting the other day about the final touches of his planning for this going away event (It's a surprise) he mentions "yeah, since my birthday is in febuary we thought we would do a all in one celebration weekend."
You speak as if he is just going to the club to "watch" some girls dance.
This party is ...
-For his birthday (as well as the going away for the other guy)
-With a bunch of guys celebrating his birthday (as well as the going away for the other guy)
-You`re getting married...soon??
I`m going to assume you``ve never seen a b-day/bachelor celebration in a strip club with a large group of guys.
Your fiancé' will get "special" attention all night as his friends will be buying girls and the girls will be all over that group looking for the cash.
He may even become part of the stage show as is customary in some clubs.
It`s likely every girl in the club will be on him at some point or other during the night.
Now even if he is totally innocent the pressure will be intense and the situation will probably be drunken.
He will be in a VERY difficult position to say "no".
If the night goes typically he`s going to be in situations you would not approve of.
I tell you this at great risk to myself.
I just publicly broke the "guy code"
Re: VIP dances for comitted man at the strip club..ok or not?
I agree with you that VIP/Privte dances are not acceptable when in a serious relationship. I think it is great that you discussed it before it became a problem and that he agreed not to have any. I see no reason why you shouldnt believe him.
I also found out that my fiance (then bf) didnt see a problem with it. We were talking about someones stag party and he mentioned that his brother had one (he was engaged at the time). I went crazy about how awful it was that he did that, my fiance was surprised i reacted that way.
I do think that everyone has completely different ideas about was is and is not acceptable, all we can do is make sure the ones we are with know/respect our boundaries.
I took my wife to a strip club and she got more attention then I did. Haven't been back since. True story.
Seriously though, strip clubs are fun when you're younger and it's all new but eventually it gets to be boring. Last time I went to one we took a couple of friends that had never been. Me and my buddy watched tv most of the time (football playoffs were on). It was kind of a "been there, done that" feeling for us. After the game was over we scraped their chins off the floor (we brought large spatulas) and headed out. No big deal really.
Thanks for the replies! After a good nights sleep and some feed back-- I feel better, and have a better idea of how I feel about this. I got caught up in the emotions of why does he feel it's ok to have VIP dance. I feel that it's taking the strip club experience to a whole other level.
I'm completely fine with him going to the strip club. I could care less if he looked at naked women parading around a stage to make money. I still feel VIP dances are not ok, but I have full faith and confidence in the fact that if anything inappriopriate were to be suggested-- He would not partake, at all. No question in my mind.
I've been to a strip club once, and yes, I got more attention then anyone in the club. Infact, several strippers tag teamed me, brought me onstage--and tried ripping my pants down. Of course, I didn't let this happen--But I do think most strippers are not stripping to step on a wifes toes. They are there to make money. Of course, there are the select few women who would go above and beyond, or allow more to happen then others, but going back to the trust thing-- I trust that he would not allow this to happen.
He has said before"It all really is the same thing"--no matter if feelings/love/emotions are involved or not. I feel differently, and I don't agree. It is different for me. My viewpoint isn't going to change his viewpoint OR opinion. I understand. But in light, it's further testoment a stripper means nothing to him. It's useless..he doesn't care..but still..if it's all the same..why is a VIP dance ok?