Unsure how to proceed - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 01:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

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There is nothing wrong with a cuckhold fetish, if both people are into it. But his forcing this on you with no regard for your feeling in the matter, strikes me as tantamount to sexual abuse. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. What he has coerced you into doing is totally unfair. You should not have to share your body with another man and feel that way to make your husband happy. You. Do. Not. Deserve. This.

Not only that, but he is verbally and emotionally abusive, essentially has cheated on you with the whole webcam thing, and is offering you up to his friends.

You need to leave the ******* immediately. It will only get worse.

You are NOT a failure at marriage. HE IS THE FAILURE. He should have disclosed this fetish long before the two of you got married, so that you would have a choice about the type of sex life you wanted to have in your marriage. He stole that opportunity from you, and I think he did that intentionally, because he knew you would dump him (before marriage) if you found out. I do think his intention (even if it was subconscious) was to trap you so you would have to acquiesce, that he would slowly coerce you into doing more and more.

You do NOT have to share yourself with anyone else, and you do not deserve to be degraded and treated in the fashion that he has. DTMFA.
I think you're right about why he didn't disclose it to me before marriage. He claims that he didn't know about it back then but I highly doubt it.
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post #17 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:04 PM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

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I just go ahead with the separation/divorce? Any advice?
I'll admit that I do not understand the cuckold phenomena, but it is actually very common theme in pornography.

I think the dynamics work like this. Your husband likely grew up sexually attracted to someone that would never return his affection. Yet he still tried to have a relationship with this person and perhaps they had an awkward friendship at best, meanwhile she was sexually active with other boyfriends and she spoke openly about it. Then due to this friendship or whatever she finally gave in and gave him a chance to have sex out of pity. She continued to see other men, but this experience was very rewarding and imprinted onto your husband's sexuality. Attempts to repeat this scenario are extremely arousing because it mimics how he may have lost his virginity and/or innocence towards women.

Perhaps that did not happen, but something of that nature was likely imprinted upon your husband.

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post #18 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:07 PM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

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I'll admit that I do not understand the cuckold phenomena, but it is actually very common theme in pornography.

I think the dynamics work like this. Your husband likely grew up sexually attracted to someone that would never return his affection. Yet he still tried to have a relationship with this person and perhaps they had an awkward friendship at best, meanwhile she was sexually active with other boyfriends and she spoke openly about it. Then due to this friendship or whatever she finally gave in and gave him a chance to have sex out of pity. She continued to see other men, but this experience was very rewarding and imprinted onto your husband's sexuality. Attempts to repeat this scenario are extremely arousing because it mimics how he may have lost his virginity and/or innocence towards women.

Perhaps that did not happen, but something of that nature was likely imprinted upon your husband.

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That makes a LOT of sense...

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post #19 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

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That makes a LOT of sense...
Makes sense but makes me feel sick to my stomach to even think about it.
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post #20 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 08:05 PM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

Maybe he could suppress his kink long-term but even if he could he would very likely resent you even more than he already does.

This is who he is and he should move on and find someone that he's sexually compatible with. But what he wants to do is manipulate you into being that person. If you don't want that then you need to divorce him because you'll never be happy with him.
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post #21 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:21 PM Thread Starter
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Maybe he could suppress his kink long-term but even if he could he would very likely resent you even more than he already does.

This is who he is and he should move on and find someone that he's sexually compatible with. But what he wants to do is manipulate you into being that person. If you don't want that then you need to divorce him because you'll never be happy with him.
I don't think he can even suppress his "kink" at all. It seems like he can't get off unless I'm talking about another man or something. I just did more phone snooping and found very disturbing conversations and more pictures sent without my knowledge. Apparently he has sent some of my used panties to someone (and acted like i was ok with it). He also talks to these guys and acts like I'm into this stuff too... i think it's like you said, he is trying to turn me into that person.

Definitely calling that lawyer asap. I can't live like this anymore. If you knew him in real life, you'd never guess this. It's like he's leading a double life.
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post #22 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:36 PM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

Seriously, I think you should also consider pressing charges.

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post #23 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:42 PM Thread Starter
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Seriously, I think you should also consider pressing charges.
I might have to. It would demolish his career, and I will need to have child support from him, and I would hate for my kids to have to know that their dad did this.... but I just can't let it go
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post #24 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:25 PM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

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I might have to. It would demolish his career, and I will need to have child support from him, and I would hate for my kids to have to know that their dad did this.... but I just can't let it go
Those are the consequences of his actions. He may need to change careers. The consequences are severe, because what he has done is really, REALLY awful.

He's not a good guy. I'm not saying that you need to tell your kids what he's done, but I also don't think you should be lying to your kids and telling them what a great guy their dad is when he's really a creep.

And he's just going to do this to someone else. Either he's a predator, or he's a really stupid man, thinking that this behavior is OK. (And listen, I'm into the BDSM/kink community... I've seen some really freaky, far-out there stuff, and what he's been doing... distributing pictures of you and your friend, sending people your used panties, offering you to his friends without your consent... he would be ostracized in the kink community for doing this. He would be called out as a predator and he would be banned from attending clubs and parties. That's how serious this is. The freaks, who love to let their freak flags fly and are open to damn near ANYTHING, would tell you this is NOT OK.)

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post #25 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:26 PM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

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Maybe he could suppress his kink long-term but even if he could he would very likely resent you even more than he already does.



This is who he is and he should move on and find someone that he's sexually compatible with. But what he wants to do is manipulate you into being that person. If you don't want that then you need to divorce him because you'll never be happy with him.


I couldn't agree more. You two are definitely not a match, and his trying to force you into that mold is abuse, pure and simple. You are still young enough to start over again and believe me, it will be worth it.


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post #26 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:50 PM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

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This could be a long post, and I apologize in advance. This is my first post.

It all started about 7 years ago (we've been married for 8. He spent the first year of marriage in Iraq, so basically this has been an on and off problem for 7 years). When he was overseas, he would always ask me to put on lingere and send him pics of myself so he wouldn't have to look at porn to "take care of business". Of course I did this, because what harm could it to, right? Well fast forward to when he came home... I found a website open on his laptop that had my pictures on it. Only 3 of the many that I sent. I confronted him. He was very apologetic, freaking out that I would leave him, etc. He said that he just wanted to look at the porn and in order to gain access to the website he would have to submit a few photos. He picked ones that didn't clearly show my face, etc. He took the pictures off the website and deleted his account, etc.

Fast forward another year or so. I found that he had been paying for women to do things (ex. masturbate, use dildos, etc.) on a webcam while he watched. It made me absolutely sick. I again confronted him about it, same song and dance of apologize, delete account, etc. Then, about 6 months later, he confessed to me that he has the cuckold fetish and that he had been sending my pictures to other men for them to look at, etc. He went on and on about it while I physically felt sick to my stomach. I demanded he go to counseling. He agreed that he had a problem and he would go. Well, he never went. That was 4 years ago.

It seemed like for a long while after this incident he didn't speak of his cuckold desires until we went on a trip for our 5th anniversary. While we were gone, he had gotten on craigslist and "found" someone to fulfill his fantasy. He knows I am not into it, yet he went ahead and tried to get me to do it. He continually tries to push the boundaries and I'm sick of it. Over the past few years, he constantly brings it up, wants me to tell stories from my past, looks for people for me to "chat with" and tries to find people on craigslist that I might "want" to hook up with, etc. Finally, I did it (about 6 months ago... not on our anniversary trip) just to make him stop bugging me. I let him watch me with another man. This was a terrible idea. It just left me feeling disgusting and dirty and used. At the same time it sparked his desire even more. Now he is constantly asking if he can take pictures of me and send them to people (sometimes i let him take a pic or two if it doesn't have my face or tattoo in it). And he is always "joking" with his friends by "offering my services" (they don't know that he is serious). And recently, I snooped through his phone and found that he has been using my BEST FRIEND's picture (nothing dirty, just a picture he took from facebook) and sending that to men to jerk off to. And I found a conversation between him and one of the guys that said was basically saying he wanted to sleep with her (she would NEVER go for that).

Aside from the sexlife stuff, he is a decent husband for the most part. He works incredibly hard and provides for us (we have 3 kids). Recently, he has been having anger management issues and has been increasingly verbally/emotionally abusive towards me. I'm really at my wits end. This marriage isn't healthy for me and I don't want my kids growing up around this. I've been asking him to go to counseling for over 4 years and he has yet to go. I've contacted a divorce attorney who wants $300 for an hour of consultation to talk about my options and stuff like that. Has anybody been through anything like this before? I'm at a loss, and obviously I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I know in real life about this. Do I give him one final ultimatum of counseling or divorce, or do I just go ahead with the separation/divorce? Any advice?
There is nothing decent about your H, get rid of him or leave him NOW.
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post #27 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:59 PM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

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he would be ostracized in the kink community for doing this.
Yes, but the judicial system may or may not be able to address it in a way that would benefit her. She needs to talk to a lawyer for advice on how to proceed. She may also choose to protect her own interests over and above what her husband chooses to do to others and just let someone else deal with him. In the meantime a lawyer could likely get him to divorce amicably, give her a huge settlement, surrender any and all photos, and sign a nondisclosure agreement.
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post #28 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 12:04 AM Thread Starter
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he would be ostracized in the kink community for doing this.
Yes, but the judicial system may or may not be able to address it in a way that would benefit her. She needs to talk to a lawyer for advice on how to proceed. She may also choose to protect her own interests over and above what her husband chooses to do to others and just let someone else deal with him. In the meantime a lawyer could likely get him to divorce amicably, give her a huge settlement, surrender any and all photos, and sign a nondisclosure agreement.
Definitely talking to a lawyer asap.... I can't figure out where he's storing these pictures. Somewhere on his phone but I can't find them anywhere and I obviously know they're there.
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post #29 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 04:09 AM
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Cool Re: Unsure how to proceed

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He posted your pictures without permission. Has been watching women on web chats. Pressured you into having sex with another man. All these are pretty objectionable and the first is illegal.

He wants a certain type of sex life - and that's fine IF he had a partner who also wants it, but he doesn't. You are not sexually compatible, AND he has been behaving extremely badly.

Now he is being verbally abusive.

I think you need to leave. I don't see this getting any better. He shared your pictures without consent, illegal in most jurisdictions, you don't need to threaten him but it is leverage if you need it in the divorce.
With all of this going on without your knowledge... get the hell out of Dodge now!

That is the absolute nadir of marital distrust!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #30 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 07:01 AM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

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Definitely talking to a lawyer asap.... I can't figure out where he's storing these pictures. Somewhere on his phone but I can't find them anywhere and I obviously know they're there.
How tech savvy is he? There are ways (don't ask me how, this is like rocket science, I know it exists but have no idea how it works) to program one's phone so a normal user wouldn't be able to find or access certain files.

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