Unsure how to proceed - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:08 AM Thread Starter
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Exclamation Unsure how to proceed

This could be a long post, and I apologize in advance. This is my first post.

It all started about 7 years ago (we've been married for 8. He spent the first year of marriage in Iraq, so basically this has been an on and off problem for 7 years). When he was overseas, he would always ask me to put on lingere and send him pics of myself so he wouldn't have to look at porn to "take care of business". Of course I did this, because what harm could it to, right? Well fast forward to when he came home... I found a website open on his laptop that had my pictures on it. Only 3 of the many that I sent. I confronted him. He was very apologetic, freaking out that I would leave him, etc. He said that he just wanted to look at the porn and in order to gain access to the website he would have to submit a few photos. He picked ones that didn't clearly show my face, etc. He took the pictures off the website and deleted his account, etc.

Fast forward another year or so. I found that he had been paying for women to do things (ex. masturbate, use dildos, etc.) on a webcam while he watched. It made me absolutely sick. I again confronted him about it, same song and dance of apologize, delete account, etc. Then, about 6 months later, he confessed to me that he has the cuckold fetish and that he had been sending my pictures to other men for them to look at, etc. He went on and on about it while I physically felt sick to my stomach. I demanded he go to counseling. He agreed that he had a problem and he would go. Well, he never went. That was 4 years ago.

It seemed like for a long while after this incident he didn't speak of his cuckold desires until we went on a trip for our 5th anniversary. While we were gone, he had gotten on craigslist and "found" someone to fulfill his fantasy. He knows I am not into it, yet he went ahead and tried to get me to do it. He continually tries to push the boundaries and I'm sick of it. Over the past few years, he constantly brings it up, wants me to tell stories from my past, looks for people for me to "chat with" and tries to find people on craigslist that I might "want" to hook up with, etc. Finally, I did it (about 6 months ago... not on our anniversary trip) just to make him stop bugging me. I let him watch me with another man. This was a terrible idea. It just left me feeling disgusting and dirty and used. At the same time it sparked his desire even more. Now he is constantly asking if he can take pictures of me and send them to people (sometimes i let him take a pic or two if it doesn't have my face or tattoo in it). And he is always "joking" with his friends by "offering my services" (they don't know that he is serious). And recently, I snooped through his phone and found that he has been using my BEST FRIEND's picture (nothing dirty, just a picture he took from facebook) and sending that to men to jerk off to. And I found a conversation between him and one of the guys that said was basically saying he wanted to sleep with her (she would NEVER go for that).

Aside from the sexlife stuff, he is a decent husband for the most part. He works incredibly hard and provides for us (we have 3 kids). Recently, he has been having anger management issues and has been increasingly verbally/emotionally abusive towards me. I'm really at my wits end. This marriage isn't healthy for me and I don't want my kids growing up around this. I've been asking him to go to counseling for over 4 years and he has yet to go. I've contacted a divorce attorney who wants $300 for an hour of consultation to talk about my options and stuff like that. Has anybody been through anything like this before? I'm at a loss, and obviously I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I know in real life about this. Do I give him one final ultimatum of counseling or divorce, or do I just go ahead with the separation/divorce? Any advice?
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post #2 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

wow, this dude has issues. big issues.

you know you shouldn't have given in right? well, you did it and it's done.
he made you do something you didn't want to do.

and by the way, an abusive husband, refuses counseling, has anger issues is NOT a decent husband.
far from it. lot's of better men out there.

i would say you need to separate or divorce and get away from this guy.
fix your man picker before you ever think of starting a another relationship.
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post #3 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

He posted your pictures without permission. Has been watching women on web chats. Pressured you into having sex with another man. All these are pretty objectionable and the first is illegal.

He wants a certain type of sex life - and that's fine IF he had a partner who also wants it, but he doesn't. You are not sexually compatible, AND he has been behaving extremely badly.

Now he is being verbally abusive.

I think you need to leave. I don't see this getting any better. He shared your pictures without consent, illegal in most jurisdictions, you don't need to threaten him but it is leverage if you need it in the divorce.
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post #4 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

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Originally Posted by jorgegene View Post
wow, this dude has issues. big issues.

you know you shouldn't have given in right? well, you did it and it's done.
he made you do something you didn't want to do.

and by the way, an abusive husband, refuses counseling, has anger issues is NOT a decent husband.
far from it. lot's of better men out there.

i would say you need to separate or divorce and get away from this guy.
fix your man picker before you ever think of starting a another relationship.
You're 100% right, I shouldn't have given in and that's why I have felt awful ever since. I'm beyond disgusted. I just have to figure out how to move forward. I had no idea about any of this before we were married and I desperately wanted to make it work because we both come from families who have been married 37+ years. I don't want to look like a failure but I'm failing myself and my kids right now.

Forget my man picker, I can't entertain the thought of wanting to be with someone else right now. Thanks for the feedback.
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post #5 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

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He posted your pictures without permission. Has been watching women on web chats. Pressured you into having sex with another man. All these are pretty objectionable and the first is illegal.

He wants a certain type of sex life - and that's fine IF he had a partner who also wants it, but he doesn't. You are not sexually compatible, AND he has been behaving extremely badly.

Now he is being verbally abusive.

I think you need to leave. I don't see this getting any better. He shared your pictures without consent, illegal in most jurisdictions, you don't need to threaten him but it is leverage if you need it in the divorce.

Yes I only see this getting worse. I'm in my early 30s and I don't want to live the rest of my life like that. Especially since he refuses to get help. And due to his career, he would definitely not want that getting out. It would destroy his livelihood.
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post #6 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

Just keep in mind that HE is failing at marriage, not you. You have done nothing wrong. You had a difficult decision to try to please your husband when he wanted something you didn't want. You made the best choice you could.

You have given him every chance and more.



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Originally Posted by southernbelle84 View Post
You're 100% right, I shouldn't have given in and that's why I have felt awful ever since. I'm beyond disgusted. I just have to figure out how to move forward. I had no idea about any of this before we were married and I desperately wanted to make it work because we both come from families who have been married 37+ years. I don't want to look like a failure but I'm failing myself and my kids right now.

Forget my man picker, I can't entertain the thought of wanting to be with someone else right now. Thanks for the feedback.
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post #7 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:59 AM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

As someone who's been exposed to sexual abuse, this just makes me gag. I'm sick to my stomach thinking about how you must have felt having your privacy violated and basically being fed to other men virtually and that one time, physically. The picture posting online without your permission, that is crime! And he's doing it to your friend????? I don't even understand how you've been able to stay this long. Ugh he is very, very sick.
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post #8 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

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As someone who's been exposed to sexual abuse, this just makes me gag. I'm sick to my stomach thinking about how you must have felt having your privacy violated and basically being fed to other men virtually and that one time, physically. The picture posting online without your permission, that is crime! And he's doing it to your friend????? I don't even understand how you've been able to stay this long. Ugh he is very, very sick.

I discovered my friends picture about 2 weeks ago on his phone. I think that was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I've started documenting and taking pictures of everything I've found. I've started voice recording when he starts to get verbally abusive, etc. I felt used and broke. And unwanted. It's sickening. He just feels like it's a kinky sex thing and I don't feel that way AT ALL. It's degrading. "You never want to do what I like".... um yeah you're right, I don't.
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post #9 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:33 AM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

He's angry at you because you aren't doing what he wants. Obviously.

The longer you stay, the worse it will get.
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post #10 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:46 AM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

@southernbelle84, if you were born in '84 then you're 4 years younger than me.

Your husband has a problem that you are not qualified to treat. Make no mistake that he has violated your privacy rights and he could be prosecuted if you so desired. You would be within your right to do so. He had no regard for your privacy or safety when he tried to connect you with strangers. A loving husband does not do that to his wife without her express consent.

I do not understand why you left it for 4 years without cracking down, but it sounds like you are now. If his career is in jeopardy, it will be by his doing, not yours.

Absolutely get away from him. I don't care how awesome he is in other ways. If you do not agree to this lifestyle then get away.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #11 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:50 AM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

Holy smokes, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm also sorry to say, but your H sounds like a piece of work by nagging on you until you feel beat down enough to do something you don't want to do just to get him off your back. I dated a guy like this once, who was into a lot of what your H is into. It wasn't cool by my standards, and it didn't last long. I think that if I were you, I would hightail it out of there, and also let your friend know what's going on with her photo.
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post #12 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:05 PM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

There is nothing wrong with a cuckhold fetish, if both people are into it. But his forcing this on you with no regard for your feeling in the matter, strikes me as tantamount to sexual abuse. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. What he has coerced you into doing is totally unfair. You should not have to share your body with another man and feel that way to make your husband happy. You. Do. Not. Deserve. This.

Not only that, but he is verbally and emotionally abusive, essentially has cheated on you with the whole webcam thing, and is offering you up to his friends.

You need to leave the ******* immediately. It will only get worse.

You are NOT a failure at marriage. HE IS THE FAILURE. He should have disclosed this fetish long before the two of you got married, so that you would have a choice about the type of sex life you wanted to have in your marriage. He stole that opportunity from you, and I think he did that intentionally, because he knew you would dump him (before marriage) if you found out. I do think his intention (even if it was subconscious) was to trap you so you would have to acquiesce, that he would slowly coerce you into doing more and more.

You do NOT have to share yourself with anyone else, and you do not deserve to be degraded and treated in the fashion that he has. DTMFA.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #13 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

Nothing wrong with kink with a consenting partner but you are not consenting. Someone with unusually sexual interests needs to tell partners early in a relationship. It is not OK to expect a partner to join in non-traditional sexual activities after marriage.

Some activities are borderline and might reasonably be expected in a relationship, but what he wants is not in that category.

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Originally Posted by southernbelle84 View Post
I discovered my friends picture about 2 weeks ago on his phone. I think that was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I've started documenting and taking pictures of everything I've found. I've started voice recording when he starts to get verbally abusive, etc. I felt used and broke. And unwanted. It's sickening. He just feels like it's a kinky sex thing and I don't feel that way AT ALL. It's degrading. "You never want to do what I like".... um yeah you're right, I don't.
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post #14 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

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@southernbelle84, if you were born in '84 then you're 4 years younger than me.

Your husband has a problem that you are not qualified to treat. Make no mistake that he has violated your privacy rights and he could be prosecuted if you so desired. You would be within your right to do so. He had no regard for your privacy or safety when he tried to connect you with strangers. A loving husband does not do that to his wife without her express consent.

I do not understand why you left it for 4 years without cracking down, but it sounds like you are now. If his career is in jeopardy, it will be by his doing, not yours.

Absolutely get away from him. I don't care how awesome he is in other ways. If you do not agree to this lifestyle then get away.
Yes... in addition to filing for divorce, I think you would be completely within your rights to file criminal charges. Because what he is doing is illegal.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #15 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unsure how to proceed

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Holy smokes, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm also sorry to say, but your H sounds like a piece of work by nagging on you until you feel beat down enough to do something you don't want to do just to get him off your back. I dated a guy like this once, who was into a lot of what your H is into. It wasn't cool by my standards, and it didn't last long. I think that if I were you, I would hightail it out of there, and also let your friend know what's going on with her photo.
I'm pretty relieved to see people backing up my train of thought. This is not even close to being an ok situation. Honestly the only reason I'm still here is for the kids but now that he's getting to be a bully, I don't want them around that.
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