Unhappy answers about desire - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 10:57 AM
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Re: Unhappy answers about desire

Before you start second guessing your wife's response, here are a few things to think about.

How old is your wife? Is it possible she is menopausal? Because if she is then it throws her biology way off. Things start to get sensitive and what she might enjoy before is now painful. Also, her hormones can be wacky. These are things that can be helped.

Now how is your relationship. It seems from the tone of your post, that it might not be in the best place. If you have to composed yourself and steel yourself to talk to your woman. This you can work on too.

Please don't feel that bad that your wife is "just giving" you sex. Sometimes, as a wife, I am not in the mood, I have too much going on in my head and I know that I am not going to have an O, no matter what. I love my H and I want to give myself to my H. He is welcome to have some fun and like I say to him, "Take me baby". IT's my gift to him.

I belief that you guys need to be more open about your relationship and sex. Be prepared to speak your heart and listen to her . During these conversation take the time to hear what your spouse is saying and don't judge yourself or her by those words. Listen and learn.
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post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 12:21 PM
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Re: Unhappy answers about desire

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
GS,

This is such a great post.

My desire for sex has dropped along with my T levels. M2 is the same fun, attractive lovable person she always has been. But my desire is a lot lower. Not her fault. At all.

Don't be hard on G2 for being transparent with you. Or she'll stop sharing and that my man is a dangerous situation to be in.
Although I agree with you on the one hand.. I LOVE transparency... please tell me true...even when I don't want to hear it... but seriously.. I'd be depressed too if I learned my spouse felt this way.. If I ever said this to my husband.. he'd never reach for me again...he'd wait till I reached for him... it matters THAT MUCH that I am "into it" with him, that I want it too..

If he ever said this to me.. I would surely lose my enthusiasm and feel "our best years are past.. this is awful.. what is there to look forward to now.. just me getting off ?"... just the thought is crushing to me..

I would have to literally pick myself up off the floor and deal with this and somehow find peace with it, I would be calling the Doctor getting his Testosterone checked even....

I'll I'm trying to say is.. I can understand the man's initial reaction here....I'm guessing he's one of those who is more sensitive in this area... he NEEDS to feel his wife's arousal and enjoyment... only this satisfies him, or something is just lost. It is what it is...

Great post by @Young at Heart ...
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post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: Unhappy answers about desire

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great responses, and apologies from me for pre-judging (Steve). my account has been locked for a year for password issue.
Ok, in no order,
mid 40s (ok, past mid)
i'm the happy, healthy, fit, out going optimistic one with full time job plus yes i (IMHO) do more than my share of household chores...good father, kids are healthy and happy, etc. literally have a white picket fence.
um, the "O" thing, well, i did learn "how to do it" (vibe);I can't wait to read the other post about "how I know when it happens". but almost never through PIV, I'm thinking that's a rarity.
I hadn't thought of hormone thing...maybe ignoring reality? Not sure I could suggest that. Might get clocked :-) how does one bring that up?
her periods are not regular, funny thing is, I know it after 20+ years, i don't need a calendar.
I shouldn't request a continuation of the conversation right? That will just make her less apt to talk.
Last - on a positive note, I did wake up to an earthquake the other night (I mean her solo). Must have some desire. I kept quiet and pretended to sleep.
Now this is sad.. SHE is horny.. and she's using her sexual energy solo...and hiding it from you... this would make me angry... what is going on here.. is she not orgasming with you??

Is there any resentment in the marriage.. I think you need to open up the masturbating dialog ... She should be saving her sexual energy for you.. the higher drive partner.. will she talk to you about her fantasies... what does it for her.. go out of your way to accommodate her..

If sex in the middle of the night is when she is horny.. set your clock.. work it out.. to bring you closer.. not passing ships in the night doing yourselves....
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post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 02:25 PM
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Re: Unhappy answers about desire

Welcome to the club. It is not unusual for a woman's libido to wane after a few kids. Men are genetically urged to have orgasms because we can impregnate several women a day if available. Women are genetically urged to get a man close to them in order to get pregnant and to keep the man to protect her and the children until the children can then pass along their genes. She no longer has the genetic urge to have sex since does not want anymore kids.

You are still capable of impregnating women every day of the week or even several women every day of the week. You still are being genetically urged to want sex as often as possible because you can produce kids every day. Your wife has no genetic urge to have sex anymore. My wife lost her libido in her 50's. It happens but my wife will have sex with me once or twice a week and have very intense orgasms. She basically does not have a desire for sex but once it starts she gets aroused and has a few orgasms. She still has sex with me because she loves me and I frankly told her if she did not, I would get it elsewhere and she knows that is no idle threat.

When our sex life was going down the tubes I did what I always do, find a new kind of sex that my wife likes and to schedule our sex life. No excuses allowed. Even if we just cuddle for a half an hour we make time for sex once a week. This is something we have done before when sex became once every 3 weeks or a month. Having sex releases Oxytocin which emotionally bonds a couple together. The more sex you have, the more you both want it. Oxytocin is the same hormone that bonds your wife with her kids. It is powerful stuff and nature's way of keeping a couple together. Scheduling a mandatory sex night really works, but you both have to want to do it to save the marriage and show your love for each other. I think that sex is a very important aspect of marriage. With little or no sex, your emotional bond goes away and you live like friends, with a few benefits from time to time just to shut you up.

The important thing is to find a way to get your wife interested in sex again and rebuild that emotional bond between you. Stress how important it is to you and to your marriage. Schedule sex nights. That really works. There is always the possibility that she does not love you anymore. Click the link below to see the science of love. How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: Unhappy answers about desire

Take a look at this. It will answer the why question.

How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #21 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 06:16 AM
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Re: Unhappy answers about desire

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I shouldn't request a continuation of the conversation right? That will just make her less apt to talk.
Last - on a positive note, I did wake up to an earthquake the other night (I mean her solo). Must have some desire. I kept quiet and pretended to sleep.
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Now this is sad.. SHE is horny.. and she's using her sexual energy solo...and hiding it from you... this would make me angry... what is going on here.. is she not orgasming with you??

Is there any resentment in the marriage.. I think you need to open up the masturbating dialog ... She should be saving her sexual energy for you.. the higher drive partner.. will she talk to you about her fantasies... what does it for her.. go out of your way to accommodate her..

If sex in the middle of the night is when she is horny.. set your clock.. work it out.. to bring you closer.. not passing ships in the night doing yourselves....
What SA said ^

As I've repeated ad nauseum here on TAM, sex and masturbation are two separate things. Although they (typically) have one thing in common - orgasm - they're apples and oranges.

However, you can deduce that your wife has a desire for orgasms. Why she chooses this method to obtain them, as opposed to sex with her husband - that needs to be figured out, and thus, the conversation needs to continue, IMO.

The most likely answer is that masturbation is simply easier and quicker, and she only has to worry about one person - herself. Some people are simply not 'pleasers'. It doesn't necessarily mean they're selfish, more that they're just not attuned with other people's needs the same way many of us are.

Therefore, when it comes to things like sex, these people will often do the things that you like, but not necessarily in order to make you happy. I do things I have no desire to do to make my wife and kids happy, because that's the goal. It makes me feel good to make them feel good. Therefore the act itself is irrelevant. Some people simply never see beyond the act itself (whatever it is, sexual or non-sexual; blowjobs, household chore, running an errand, etc.)

I think that's the simplest explanation for this, but requires more delving into conversation. 'Why do you have no desire for sex, yet desire orgasms?'

Now, one answer you will almost certainly get (or defensive response, anyway...) is that she IS willing to have sex, therefore you have no leg to stand on. While technically true, we all know it isn't that black and white. What she probably fails to recognize is that none of us simply 'want sex' - we want a partner who wants to HAVE sex, with US, because THEY want to have sex.

Some people, my wife included, do not (or did not) get this. To them it's black and white. 'I HAVE sex with him, so what's he complaining about? Why is this so complicated?'

All of this is familiar to me because I lived/am living it. My wife is LD, and has said the same things yours has - 'I could go without sex' etc. Slowly, over the years, I've gotten through to her that nobody wants to hear this, regardless of whether it's true or not. Her initial response was 'But I have sex with you!' and that was that. Black and white, to her. She never realized the simple act of saying she could live without sex the rest of her life affected all kinds of things in the marriage, never mind how I feel as a partner, a human being, a man. While I recognize her lack of desire for sex isn't specific to me, nevertheless it's damaging and depressing. She realizes that now, but it's too late to take it back.

Look, we all have our things. I'm not the most cuddly, snuggly, affectionate man on earth - and some women crave that in a partner. My wife appreciates those things, so I do them. My desire to spoon her in bed is simply not there. So I have to consciously do it, rather than organically. The difference between me and her is that she does not know I have to make a conscious decision to do this - because I'd never tell her in a million years that I have no desire to actually do this, and I'm only doing it for her. Because that would ****ing ruin it for her. Why would she want me to spoon her when she knows I'm only doing it for her?

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #22 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 08:46 AM
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Re: Unhappy answers about desire

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I'm quoting wife here, "well sex just doesn't matter much to me any more. I can go a day, week or a month and it doesn't bother me, I don't need it."
My wife has said that exact same thing to me before! The issue at hand is not exactly about lack of desire, but more so that your wife's sexual response is much different than yours. Probably without even knowing, she is just conveying that her sexuality is NOT the same as yours and that no period of abstinence will change that for her.

If you need some further insight to cheer you up... (NOT ADVISED!) The next time the two of you are enjoying some really good foreplay by making out while your cloths are still on and you feel your wife getting very aroused, arbitrarily stop as if you are going to go make yourself a sandwich, and ask her if she would mind just giving you some alone time for you to watch sports on TV. Tell her you enjoyed making out but are just experimenting to see what it is like to "not need" any sex so that you can understand her better! ...OMG, this would NOT go over well with her!!!!

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post #23 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 05:58 AM
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Re: Unhappy answers about desire

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I haven't followed your other threads, but what struck me in her response was that she doesn't need SEX not that she doesn't need YOU. An important distinction.

How old are you both? As women get older and approach menopause, hormone levels can drastically change causing a drop off or increase in desire. If she's in her 40s or older, it's worth a trip to the doctor to find out if that's a factor as hormone therapy can help.


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I identify with this, I am turning 50 and to be honest my desire levels are pretty low, maybe the odd rush. We still have sex 2-3 times a week because I think it would not be fair to the H but recently I haven't been enjoying it much at all. Part of it is to do with the need to be cherished, complimented, etc, outside of the bedroom, my H can be buried in his work for most of the evening but still want to get it on when we go to bed. I rarely turn him down because sex does help me to sleep much better but perhaps I should start playing a bit hard to get.
Sometimes the sex is mind blowing, but it seems to be happening less, I feel a bit like your wife, could survive without it longer. I think many women of my age begin to feel like that. Sex is not needed to love their husbands, unlike men who need it for emotional bonding.
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post #24 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 07:22 AM
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Re: Unhappy answers about desire

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As soon as I posted something about hormone levels, your post about this topic pops up.
The thing is, not everyone is a fan of hormone replacement therapy, physicians or people. It's a perception issue more than a medical issue and unless there's a definite medical need for HRT there may not be buy-in.
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post #25 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 08:52 AM
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Re: Unhappy answers about desire

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The thing is, not everyone is a fan of hormone replacement therapy, physicians or people. It's a perception issue more than a medical issue and unless there's a definite medical need for HRT there may not be buy-in.
I find that especially true in the US. The perception of HRT, especially testosterone, seems to be different in some countries in Europe as well as in Australia. Maybe some natives of those countries will chime in.
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post #26 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:19 PM
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Re: Unhappy answers about desire

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I find that especially true in the US. The perception of HRT, especially testosterone, seems to be different in some countries in Europe as well as in Australia. Maybe some natives of those countries will chime in.
In the UK HRT has a moderately poor reputation. It's considered to be a relatively high-risk treatment, and suggesting a woman goes on it because her partner wants more sex is probably not going to fly.

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post #27 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: Unhappy answers about desire

She probably thinks that she has what she wants now: a house, kids and a husband (to pay for it all). She doesn't need anything else so figures that she can stop having sex with you. If you don't like that, a divorce will make you pay for everything anyway. Does she have a job and contributes to the family income?

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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