....., "well sex just doesn't matter much to me any more. I can go a day, week or a month and it doesn't bother me, I don't need it."
we have never gone a month (or even a week) without sex, my wife doesn't say no often, but, I'm thinking, she doesn't do it because she has desire, she's doing it out of obligation.
Now I'm depressed, because as a man I feel I should be desirable and if I'm not I'm screwing something up; .....
I am an HD man and my wife is an LD we are both in our late 60's. For a while we had a classic Sex Starved Marriage. Though introspection, some great books, changing myself and then seeking help from a Sex Theapist the two of us have reconnected and saved our marriage.
First of all, most people really don't have a clue as to what life in an HD/LD marriage is like. I would say that was one of the hardest things for me to wrap my head around, but I think I am there now.
David Schnarch in his Book the Passionate Marriage and the Crucible likes to point out that everything in marriage is about reaching a compromise between an LD and HD partner. One partner may be HD when it comes to watching professional football on TV. Another partner may be HD when it comes to watching murder mysteries on TV, One partner may be HD when it comes to chocolate ice cream for dessert. Same with sex.
There is no "right amount" of chocolate ice cream for dessert. For some the urge for chocolate might be overwhelming and they may "need" it 3 times a day, at lunch, at a ice cream shop on the way home and after dinner. Their spouse may prefer vanilla ice cream once a month and just politely play with the chocolate ice cream served up in a small bowl after each dinner. It doesn't matter if chopped nuts, whipped cream, or sprinkles are added to the chocolate ice cream. Are they a bad spouse for not craving chocolate ice cream as much as their spouse? No, they as a couple just need to figure out how they can make each other happy and reach a reasonable compromise they can both live with.
I have been in bed with my wife playing and kissing and she has stopped looked at me and told me to not touch her down there, because if I do, she will want to have sex and she doesn't want to have sex that night or morning. That is LD looking you straight in the eyes. My wife when aroused likes and enjoys sex. However, she doesn't want sex as much as I want sex. That is never going to change. In fact sex is far lower on her priorities of things she would rather do. It is not about sex with me as sex in general.
The sex therapist who helped save our marriage helped us negotiate a frequency of sex that we can both live with and will keep us emotionally close. It is twice a week. The sex therapist helped me understand that my wife really does love me and really wants to stay married to me, she just doesn't want sex as much as I do. My wife has a stressful job and sometimes that just kills her desire for sex. Again, that has nothing to do with her desire for me, or her love for me. For a long time she felt like a sexual failure or a broken defective person for not wanting sex as much as I did. The sex therapist helped her understand she is not defective or broken, she just has a different level of desire for sex than her husband. Being married to an LD partner is a challenge. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love me or desire me. It just means that her sexual needs and priorities are different than mine. She is not broken, and I love her for who she is.
Some nights she is not really in the mood and yet she knows that I really would like to have sex. On some of those nights she will give me the gift of her body. She enjoys knowing that she can pleasure me and she enjoys how much I enjoy sex with her and how emotionally close it makes me feel to her. I had to learn how to lovingly accept her special gifts when she gave them to me.
I have learned that even if I gave her a bubble bath, massaged her back and feet for hours, been extremely romantic, that all those replayed mental work meetings repeating in her head would not get her in the mood for sex. On those nights we can either play in some other way or we can have the sexual connection with her that I emotionally need. Some times we will put it off for another night. Sometimes after a stressful week, she will just pull me onto her and tell me to take her and she will enjoy what her body is capable of doing for me.. Again, when she does that it is not something I view as her giving into duty sex. I view it as her enjoying providing me with a special treat and feeling good about it.
I think you need to talk to her and see if maybe your perspective isn't the problem.