Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My husband and I have been together for 4 years and just recently married a little over a month ago. When we first got together he was a virgin and I was not. It wasn't until a year after we had been together that we had sex for the first time. After that it was kind of an on/off thing. Later down the road in our relationship our religious beliefs became a huge factor into us not having sex. The year and 9 months of our engagement was 99% sexless and 75% sleeping apart from each other since we lived together and we wanted to do what was right for our beliefs. All during that time we had discussions of how everything was going to change and we were going to have sex more often than ever. Here I am a month married and it is far from better... it's worst.
I am a plus size woman not overly big but I am bigger than my husband. He is always telling me he loves the way I look and that he is extremely attracted to me. I am constantly wanting to have sex with him and he is always coming up with excuses for us not too. Any advance I try and take or hints or sex outfits I wear he just ignores like nothing is going on. At least 3-5 times a week he is reading erotic stories online or looking at pornographic pictures and pleasing himself, but does not want to have sex at all. I have tried to talk to him about it and encourage him to tell me about what he likes and fantasizes about and he clams up. I try telling him how I feel about him and what I fantasize about with him. He always gets really quiet and changed the subject.
I just don't know what to do. In the last month, since being married, we have had sex maybe 5-6 times if that. We did not have sex at all during our honeymoon but he was reading erotic stories online. I need advice because I just feel utterly useless as a wife, a woman and just in general as a person. I have to beg, cry and get upset before he even considers having sex and at that point I don't want to have sex. I drop everything to watch him do his hobbies and make sure he has everything he wants even if we go broke or don't pay a certain bill on time. I am so depressed and unhappy that I feel like I should just be completely emotionless and just give in to us never having sex.
Please... can anyone give me advice as to how I can get my husband to sleep with me....
Odd that religous beliefs were the reason you two did not have much sex before. But it turns out that porn and masterbation is his main sexual outlet... don't know your religion but don't thing this would be approved of my most religions.. so why is he ok with this?
Short of telling him you will leave him if he does not stop the porn/erotica additive behavior I don't think there is mucy hope for your marriage. It seems you married a man who is not wild about sex with a living, breathing woman. I'm sorry.
If you want to try to fix your marriage tell you that you cannot accept his addictions. If he wants to say married to you he has to do several things (treat it as an affair)...
give you the password to every account he has online.
He has to agree to you putting a keylogger on all the computers in your home.
He can not engage in any online sexual activity.
He will agree to have sex with you 2, 3 times a week (whatever meets what you both want).
If you cannot do this you will get a divorce or an annulment.
n the last month, since being married, we have had sex maybe 5-6 times if that.
If I understand that correctly it doesnt sound that bad.
But to your general post.
I dont know which religion this is but you cant have it both ways.
Once he gets used to sleeping with you without sex he cant break the habit. Or even living with you. He most likely being human wanted sex but the religion forbade it. So he had to learn to hold himself back. Which really means not seeing you as a woman. He will find it difficult to get over this whatever you both do.
You may as well give up.
well I would give you advise but Im in the same boat, no sex and when I try I get rejected and he tells me that he is attracted to me and that I look hot and sexy, he always cuddles with me and does stuff for me to be nice hugs me ksses me tells me that he loves me just wants to be with me 24/7 but sex never I have tried a lot of things and it doesnt work it is very frustrating
If you're both of the same religion, perhaps you could suggest that you go (together) to an "elder" or someone you both respect, for some therapy? Perhaps he feels bad about having had sex with you before marriage, and that is what is holding him back? (although not many religions do condone porn and some don't even condone masturbation. Have a chat to him on a purely religious level, ask him if he feels he is being true to himself and his faith - and you!
Another thought - you mentioned that he was a virgin but you weren't - could he be having issues regarding that now?
It seems like conservative folks have this problem a lot.
They want to treat their wife according to the rules set out by the church. But what turns them on sexually is something else entirely. So he gets his sexual urges satisfied on his own.
And you get nothing.
Treating his porn use as an addiction, and abstaining from it entirely like EleGirl suggests is a terrible idea. You will get even less sex with that approach.
Instead you need to get him to open up about his fantasy life, and you need to become his fantasy girl. Problem is, that may or may not be possible or desirable for you. You have no idea whether the two of you are sexually compatible because you didn't do any real exploration before getting married.
It seems like conservative folks have this problem a lot.
They want to treat their wife according to the rules set out by the church. But what turns them on sexually is something else entirely. So he gets his sexual urges satisfied on his own.
And you get nothing.
Treating his porn use as an addiction, and abstaining from it entirely like EleGirl suggests is a terrible idea. You will get even less sex with that approach.
Instead you need to get him to open up about his fantasy life, and you need to become his fantasy girl. Problem is, that may or may not be possible or desirable for you. You have no idea whether the two of you are sexually compatible because you didn't do any real exploration before getting married.
He is having solo sex more than he's having sex with his wife.
He needs to switch that around since he's not meeting her needs.
Everything I've read about how to handle this sort of thing... long term use of porn and masturbation in liu of sex with wife suggests to stop the porn and the masturbation. It’s takes 2 -5 months for the man to get on track with sex with his wife. After that period he might be able to return to limited porn/masturbation. Limited meaning not using it and ignoring his wife’s sexual needs.
Everything I've read about how to handle this sort of thing... long term use of porn and masturbation in liu of sex with wife suggests to stop the porn and the masturbation. It’s takes 2 -5 months for the man to get on track with sex with his wife. After that period he might be able to return to limited porn/masturbation. Limited meaning not using it and ignoring his wife’s sexual needs.
Advice from the same folks that think they can "cure" homosexuality with therapy. Please. Sexual desires cannot be cured. They can only be fulfilled. If he can't or won't fulfill them with his wife he will do so with porn, masturbation and fantasy. And if he can't even do that he will just be unhappy and so will she.
Advice from the same folks that think they can "cure" homosexuality with therapy. Please. Sexual desires cannot be cured. They can only be fulfilled. If he can't or won't fulfill them with his wife he will do so with porn, masturbation and fantasy. And if he can't even do that he will just be unhappy and so will she.
No it's not from the same people who think that homosexuality can be cured.
East2West, porn addiction (not just viewing porn, but addiction) and homosexuality are two totally different types of issues. The one is a disease (an addiction, like drug addiction) and it certainly CAN and SHOULD be taken care of (if the person agrees that it is a problem and is willing to accept help), while sexuality (hetero, homo or bisexuality) has nothing to do with addiction or disease (as much as religious people think they can heal homosexuality), it is not something that 'needs' curing.
I'm curious to know what is the subject matter of what he's looking at online? That might offer a cue to what interests him but that maybe he is too shy to say?
This is not to say that I don't agree with all the other posters here who've basically said that it's not acceptable for him to get his sexual needs met elsewhere when you are available to him and willing and able. More important than what I wrote in the first paragraph is figuring that out--what he's not telling you.
I'm curious to know what is the subject matter of what he's looking at online? That might offer a cue to what interests him but that maybe he is too shy to say?
This is not to say that I don't agree with all the other posters here who've basically said that it's not acceptable for him to get his sexual needs met elsewhere when you are available to him and willing and able. More important than what I wrote in the first paragraph is figuring that out--what he's not telling you.
Sensible advice from DarkFlower, Porn IS a sexual relationship killer...I KNOW....I too was curious to know what he's looking at and I suggest this is the first area to look into, next..Dressing up is not all it's cracked up to be so don't be too disappointed...On the other hand 'provocative' dressing IS a way to go especially when out shopping etc...men LOVE nothing more than when OTHER men are taking notice of the wife...' a real turn on' ......UP FRONT honest talking is also what's needed but....
SCREW ME 3 TIMES A WEEK OR i WILL DIVORCE YOU...as suggested is a NO NO.......
If I said this to the wife because she didn't want to, would that be 'RAPE' via blackmail?
Then the question needs to be...."Can I live life in a sexless relationship" well can you? Take it from there.............
East2West, porn addiction (not just viewing porn, but addiction) and homosexuality are two totally different types of issues. The one is a disease (an addiction, like drug addiction) and it certainly CAN and SHOULD be taken care of (if the person agrees that it is a problem and is willing to accept help), while sexuality (hetero, homo or bisexuality) has nothing to do with addiction or disease (as much as religious people think they can heal homosexuality), it is not something that 'needs' curing.
I know that they are completely different. However most of the information online regarding how to deal with "porn addiction" comes from the same folks who think they can cure homosexuality. Religious Fundamentalists.
Porn Addiction is not a recognized psychological disorder by the medical community. Furthermore most of the people who are accused of being porn addicts on sites like this one are not actually behaving like addicts, forgoing all of their obligations in exchange for porn. Normally they are just choosing porn over sex with their wives, while functioning normally otherwise. There are numerous explanations for that type of behavior besides "porn addiction".
The religion thing was an excuse to hide the fact that he does not find you attractive. He is too confused (no doubt religion did play a part in that) and insecure about his own sexuality to talk about it with you (or probably anyone). The fact that he is addicted to porn means that he has sexual desires but for whatever reason he does not find those attributes in you, so he would rather fantasize about it on the Internet. You need to get him to open up. If he won't tell you, maybe he will tell a therapist. Or try finding out what he likes by what websites he goes to etc... Unless it completely repulses you, share the experience with him to get him to open up. If you are OK role playing that for him maybe you can save your marriage. Otherwise it sounds like he did a bait an switch and you should end it now. There are one of two possibilities, he will open up to you and you can meet in some middle ground, or the marriage is a sham and you should leave rather than be miserable the rest of your life.
PS If you think sex 5-6 times in the first month is a sexless marriage, wait until year 10. Then you can read about the separate bedroom, double bed horror stories of seemingly "normal"couples...
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Sexless Marriage... Sexless Relationship 
