I did bad things and now my marriage is in trouble
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 12-22-2011, 09:21 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I did bad things and now my marriage is in trouble

My wife and I have been married for about 9 years and our sex life has never been out of this world good - for either of us. She has body and esteem issues and I have slight anxiety issues (it takes me a little longer than the average guy to climax). She's never been in to much variation or anything out of the ordinary. I'm not into anything crazy either but would like some variation. We never really had a honeymoon phase per se - a few times a week was our max (I think we did have sex almost every day on our honeymoon but that would have been it). The last few years its been pretty slow - a couple times a week max (and over the last few months its been a couple times a month). To some guys that may seem like a lot and two or three times a week is good for me or would be.

So like many guys I took to masturbating to porn on the computer. Unfortunately I didn't just stick to that and ended up contacting some of the girls I was masturbating to online. I didn't end up meeting any of them or having sex with them but came pretty close on more than one occasion. I know it was wrong and I feel awful for how I've hurt my wife. She is just devastated and I understand that. She originally asked me to leave but capitulated and said I could stay (we have two young boys). Of any sex will be out for a while (even the hurry up and get it over with kind that I've been getting for the last few years) but in addition she wants me to get rid of all the old porn that I had from before (totally fine as I don't look at it and don't want my boys to find it as they get older) and she wants me to stop masturbating to porn at all - essentially she wants me to stop taking care of business all together. Because of how I've hurt her - I'm not the least bit interested in that right now but I'm sure I will eventually and I'm sure that I'll be able to live up to that in time. I just know that if we get back to where she wants to have sex with me, I'm confident she won't be able to keep up and I'll need to take care of it by myself sometimes.

I am going to counseling (by myself for now as she won't go and refused to go before when we were first married - she has daddy issues she's refused to deal with which have affected our marriage adversely) but would love some advise from the folks here.
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Old 12-22-2011, 10:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I did bad things and now my marriage is in trouble

If your asking when you can masturbate to online porn again, I would say given the situation you brought on because of it directly, I would say never. If your talking about masturbation in general, I'll let others address that.
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Old 12-22-2011, 11:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I did bad things and now my marriage is in trouble

If your wife asks you to give up porn, you will do so if you respect her. Especially if your contacting these women. To me, that's cheating.

Giving up masturbating is a whole another issue. Think about your wife when you masturbate, not other women.

Just giving my opinion. My husband does not look at porn and he would NEVER contact another woman in a sexual way. You need to stop making excuses and justifying your bad behavior. Focus on making your marriage better instead of yourself.
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Old 12-22-2011, 11:47 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I did bad things and now my marriage is in trouble

What exactly does your wife want. She wont fill your needs and wont let others fill them. She wants it both ways. I dont mean to say youre right in going to 'others' but she has to take the blame.
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Old 12-22-2011, 11:50 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I did bad things and now my marriage is in trouble

Your wife doesn't want to go to marital counseling because she is afraid to face her role in your marital problems. That's unfortunate, but common.

I suggest you continue to bring up marriage counseling. If she balks, maybe play the role of counselor yourself. Ask her why she thinks the two of you have had these problems. Don't accept an answer of, "We never had any problems until you went online with other people."

As for masturbation, when you feel the need for release, tell your wife. Offer to do it while she watches. If she's up for it, it may be fun. But I suspect she will quickly suggest you go back to doing it in private.
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Old 12-22-2011, 12:30 PM   #6 (permalink)
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If your asking when you can masturbate to online porn again, I would say given the situation you brought on because of it directly, I would say never. If your talking about masturbation in general, I'll let others address that.
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You're probably right but I am a visual person. I am going to do my very best because inspite of my actions, I value my marriage and family very much (especially my boys).

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What exactly does your wife want. She wont fill your needs and wont let others fill them. She wants it both ways. I dont mean to say youre right in going to 'others' but she has to take the blame.
I did this, not her. In my mind of course I wasn't going to "others" as it stayed to online and a few conversations - nothing emotional - just sexual - but still I understand how that is viewed as cheating by some. I just hope she is willing to fix what she needs to fix so that we can make it work. I can't be told to be a caged dog with no outlet whatsoever - that just won't work long term.

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Your wife doesn't want to go to marital counseling because she is afraid to face her role in your marital problems. That's unfortunate, but common.

I suggest you continue to bring up marriage counseling. If she balks, maybe play the role of counselor yourself. Ask her why she thinks the two of you have had these problems. Don't accept an answer of, "We never had any problems until you went online with other people."

As for masturbation, when you feel the need for release, tell your wife. Offer to do it while she watches. If she's up for it, it may be fun. But I suspect she will quickly suggest you go back to doing it in private.
Thank you for that - I really like your response. Unfortunately I have a feeling it will be a while before she is the least bit interested in having anything to do with me sexually. She is very hurt by this. And when I made the suggestion one other time about her "inspiring me" while I masturbate, I could tell she wanted nothing to do with it and she told me later that it makes her feel used when I did that. So of course that put an end to that.
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Old 12-22-2011, 10:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I did bad things and now my marriage is in trouble

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What exactly does your wife want. She wont fill your needs and wont let others fill them. She wants it both ways. I dont mean to say youre right in going to 'others' but she has to take the blame.
I know you're not saying that it's her fault that he contacted these women sexually over the internet!!??? I don't care what the issue at home is, work it out with your SO or hit the road and find what you're looking for...Speaking as someone whose H was talking with some girl sexually over the internet and the phone, that is pretty offensive of you to say. Of course when he was "found out" he blamed it on this or that, my fault of course(!!), but really who is the one that went outside the marriage???
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Old 12-22-2011, 10:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I did bad things and now my marriage is in trouble

I am going to say it is unreasonable for her to expect you not to masturbate. Can you do that when you are not having any sex? It shows a lack of understanding of male sexuality. I think it is also invasion of your privacy.

It is your body. You don't own her body or you would be having sex with it.

I am not suggesting that you go against your word but I suggest that you broach this reality with her. How you do that I don't know. I will let wiser people handle that.
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Old 12-22-2011, 10:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
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- but still I understand how that is viewed as cheating by some.
Just curious question. If roles were reversed and your wife did what you did with another man, would you feel cheated on?
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Old 12-22-2011, 11:01 PM   #10 (permalink)
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My H had a porn problem that replaced our sex life, it never got to the point where he contacted anyone online but I think if it continued it might have. Unlike your wife I actually wanted more sex and wasn't getting it cause porn was his first choice. I can understand her stance on the porn but not the no masturbating part.

I told my H that I wanted more sex and we started working on that but porn had to go all together. If he still felt the need to masturbate (if I wasn't available for sex or he needed a quick release or whatever) I told him masturbating was fine I didnt have a problem with that as long as he wasnt doing it more times than we were having sex (he was masturbating to porn 4+x a day whereas we were having sex maybe once a week). If he needed visual aids for masturbating i offered to make some videos and take pics for him.

You going outside the marriage to meet those needs was wrong but I also think it is unreasonable to expect you (or any man really) to not masturbate especially if his SO isn't going to help meet his needs.
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Old 12-23-2011, 07:22 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Just curious question. If roles were reversed and your wife did what you did with another man, would you feel cheated on?
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Good question - I'm pretty sure that I would feel very cheated on. I would also wonder where I went wrong and why I wasn't good enough. I certainly don't want to make my wife more insecure than she already is (and I know she struggles with insecurity issues as well).

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My H had a porn problem that replaced our sex life, it never got to the point where he contacted anyone online but I think if it continued it might have. Unlike your wife I actually wanted more sex and wasn't getting it cause porn was his first choice. I can understand her stance on the porn but not the no masturbating part.

I told my H that I wanted more sex and we started working on that but porn had to go all together. If he still felt the need to masturbate (if I wasn't available for sex or he needed a quick release or whatever) I told him masturbating was fine I didnt have a problem with that as long as he wasnt doing it more times than we were having sex (he was masturbating to porn 4+x a day whereas we were having sex maybe once a week). If he needed visual aids for masturbating i offered to make some videos and take pics for him.

You going outside the marriage to meet those needs was wrong but I also think it is unreasonable to expect you (or any man really) to not masturbate especially if his SO isn't going to help meet his needs.
That's not my situation at all - I wish my wife was as accommodating as you (although it sounds like you don't want him pleasuring himself more than once a week - not sure about that). I never once used porn / masturbation in lieu of a willing wife. It was always, rejection then masturbation. And we were just having sex once a week or so in the end and I was taking care of business by myself no more than 4-5 times a week (when we were having sex a couple times a week I wasn't masturbating as much as that). Unfortunately I didn't just stick to the one-sidedness of just porn. Contacting these women was really wrong and I'm still heartbroken over how I've hurt my wife.
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Old 12-23-2011, 07:34 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I know you're not saying that it's her fault that he contacted these women sexually over the internet!!??? I don't care what the issue at home is, work it out with your SO or hit the road and find what you're looking for...Speaking as someone whose H was talking with some girl sexually over the internet and the phone, that is pretty offensive of you to say. Of course when he was "found out" he blamed it on this or that, my fault of course(!!), but really who is the one that went outside the marriage???
. . . Missed one. You're right. She didn't do it - I did it. I contacted these other women, not her. I tried several times to get her to go to marital counseling with me and she refused. I probably should have issued an ultimatum but didn't. I just didn't want to leave my wife and kids. She was so not into having sex with me that I almost felt worse after we were done. It was so empty. The anger I felt from her during and after was just too much for me to take. And I felt very humiliated by her telling me to hurry up and get it over with already and don't kiss her during sex. It just didn't feel good.
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Old 12-23-2011, 07:39 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I did bad things and now my marriage is in trouble

It sounds like your wife doesn't want the sex aspect of it. Meaning she may even think "sex" is dirty, and she doesn't want to be associated with porn or masturbation, etc. Everyone has their own level of sexuality. What is hers? I would bet she views sex with you as "making love" and that's it. Ever been kinky, at all?

Keep in mind you have now shown her, and told her, that you are capable of just "using" women to get off:
Your comment:
"And when I made the suggestion one other time about her "inspiring me" while I masturbate, I could tell she wanted nothing to do with it and she told me later that it makes her feel used when I did that. So of course that put an end to that. "

My advice to you would be to do some work at making it clear that you are not using her for sex. That is a fear for a lot of women. And they don't respond to "all I want is sex everyday".
You can go get SEX anywhere! Online for free. Go use someone else. They want to know that you desire HER, that you love her.

Somehow, you have to SHOW her that you think more highly of her than the online girls you have been using.

I think that is the hardest part of porn for women to accept. That their loving husband is capable of just using women for sex. Not a very attractive trait.
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Old 12-23-2011, 07:42 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I know you're not saying that it's her fault that he contacted these women sexually over the internet!!??? I don't care what the issue at home is, work it out with your SO or hit the road and find what you're looking for...Speaking as someone whose H was talking with some girl sexually over the internet and the phone, that is pretty offensive of you to say. Of course when he was "found out" he blamed it on this or that, my fault of course(!!), but really who is the one that went outside the marriage???
You are correct, that the OP should not have cheated. And one of the reasons why is that now his wife gets to be the victim rather than face her faults in the marriage.

The OP cheated because his marriage was in a bad state. And his wife shares blame for the state of his marriage.
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Old 12-23-2011, 12:19 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Good question - I'm pretty sure that I would feel very cheated on. I would also wonder where I went wrong and why I wasn't good enough. I certainly don't want to make my wife more insecure than she already is (and I know she struggles with insecurity issues as well).



That's not my situation at all - I wish my wife was as accommodating as you (although it sounds like you don't want him pleasuring himself more than once a week - not sure about that). I never once used porn / masturbation in lieu of a willing wife. It was always, rejection then masturbation. And we were just having sex once a week or so in the end and I was taking care of business by myself no more than 4-5 times a week (when we were having sex a couple times a week I wasn't masturbating as much as that). Unfortunately I didn't just stick to the one-sidedness of just porn. Contacting these women was really wrong and I'm still heartbroken over how I've hurt my wife.

My only problem with him masturbating is when he chooses it over sex with me. I never put a number on how much he can do it. I just told him I would prefer we have more sex versus him masturbating more. Since he stopped viewing porn and started coming to me to fill his needs we have been having sex 2x a day and I'm perfectly happy with that he seems to be happy as well. if he still feels the need to masturbate then so be it we have been having a lot of sex but he has told me he prefers sex now or having me involved somehow. He has invited me to watch him masturbate, honestly though this just leads to sex. So it has been awhile since he has masturbated to completion.
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