My wife and i have been married for 21 years, 3 kids (15,12,9 yrs old). I'm 46, my wife is 45. Both in good health. My wife has been legally blind since 2008. We are both very devoted to each other and have a normal marriage. My wife has had some female issues (bleeding), and had a partial hysterectomy in Nov 2015.
Our sex life has been never been great, but what i would call good. 1x week with occasionally 2x a week. We normally both reach orgasm and I have always tried to make sure she enjoyed it. 5 or 6 years ago I told her i wanted to improve that aspect of our marriage. I just wanted more passion and trying new things to see what we would like/not like. We tried basic toys, positions, but every time I tried to get my wife to tell me what she did/didn't like she would not be very responsive and evasive. I've been working on improving things for many years to say the least. My wife was raised to be very private about sex, and has never opened up to me about sex.
I've also noticed over the years that occasionally she wasn't always into making love. She was just distracted. She had a stressful job, and 3 kids, so no surprise there. I did try to refocus her on me by whispering and talking to her and that always seemed to help. She then would get into it and the sex would be good. We talked about her not always being focus and she agreed that was an issue so we were both aware. I would tell her to focus and she would then start to get into sex enjoy it much more. She rarely initiates, and that was an issue for me with her. Its never gotten better, but I kinda just gave up on that note.
Over these last 3 years, our frequency increased from 1x to 2x. At this point, my wife only rarely doesn't have an O during sex. For the last 2 years, my wife and i have been having friends over for drinks and laughs on Friday night. Some times we would go to their house (Next door, kids in tow). Nothing sexual just a good time and drinks. We would both be at least tipsy if not intoxicated. We would come home and proceed to make passionate love to each other. Over the last year, with the bleeding, it was at times messy, but we both enjoyed each other.
Over all of these years of trying to improve our sex life, I've always told her that I didn't feel I would ever be that man for her. She just could never let go with me. She always seems to be holding back. With seeing her on those recent Friday nights, I knew there was more in her, but sober, I was never going to turn her on so she would let go. I told her that she needed to find someone else to let go with. She was always holding back with me. She always said that was never going to happen as I was the only man for her. She's never had a second orgasm with me at any point. She didn't seem to think it was possible.
For our 20th anniversary, we sent the kids to my father's in Denver for a week. We went to Key West. We stayed with a coworker i've known for several years for 2 days, and then went to a bed and breakfast. At the BNB, we went out carousing in KW, and came home both liquored up. Needless to say, my wife attacked me when we got back to the room, and it was some the best sex we'd ever had.
Fast forward to this past January, after the partial, the 6 week long desert trek of no sex caused us to focus more on other types of sex. I've always been more than willing to go down on her, massage her, and kiss her all over. She's never been particularly good at bjs, but she did lingam for the first time. After the 6 weeks was over (early January), we started having sex much more frequently, 3-4x/week. I got her to agree to buy some soft videos (Hegre), to help spice things up. Nothing hard core. I also bought her luna balls to assist with kegels and her incontinence.
At one point, we went 6 days straight. Each night was a little different, but we were both into it and both enjoyed it with successful Os. One night, she had 2 orgasms. >>She told me one night that I knew all there was about her. The 7th day was Friday and our daughter had volleyball relatively early the next day. Well, we had friends over, but were going to make it an early night. I got off of work and immediately went in and said something dirty to her and she immediately shut me down saying we had to get up early. Yet, a few days before we talked about sex on Friday night, so i was very much looking forward to it. When our friends were there, she was having a good time,but I admit I was pissed. My wife is very beautiful, and I wanted to enjoy her that night. Needless to say, after our friends left I confronted her about an unrelated topic, and things blew up a bit. The next morning I basically confessed that my confrontation to her was about not having sex. She said that we should have had, cause she wanted it too after we got to bed.
Fast forward to this week. Friday, we both took the day off, and had an 'us' day. I gave her a luxurious massage, she gave me one, and things went from there the rest of the afternoon until the kids got home. I mentioned to her earlier in the month that we probably needed to put new batteries in the ancient vibrator we have. She made an offhand comment that the batteries in it were good. At the time I pondered how she knew that. Saturday, we enjoyed each other multiple times throughout the day (locked doors are a wonderful thing). Saturday night, she had a little too much wine, and we started passionately kissing when our daughter walked in from being out. We took it upstairs and had sex. During sex, we talked a bit, and out of the blue, I asked her if she masturbated. I honestly didn't know but suspected she might. I've nothing against it. I've not done it in a few years, but I've no hangups about it. Surprisingly, she said yes she does. How often? Once a week or so. She almost looked scared to tell me. I asked her how long had she been doing it, and she said for the last 5-7 years. She seemed genuinely ashamed. I told her it was no big deal but I was still a bit shocked. We made love again a second time but I wasn't that into it so we stopped.
The next morning I woke up early. Still a bit bothered by her not telling me over these years, as I had point blank asked her about it previously on multiple occasions. As to the act, she had said she only thinks about me when she does it, which I thought was a good thing. Needless to say, I woke her up a bit early and told her I wanted her to show me. She said she didn't want to, so i started in with the vibrator on her. It wasn't long and she was into it. She started touching herself, which is something I've only seen her do 1 other time with me. Finally, i told her to take over. She hesitated at first, but then finally took over and finished. I could tell it was definitely intense for her.
We started talking about her masturbating. She seemed very defensive about it. She said it was her time, and I didn't disagree. I asked her how many times she's done it this year. Answer: None. I didn't need to. I was like what? She said with us having sex more she didn't need to do it. For me it was a red flag.
On our way to church, I asked her if she was satisfied after the morning events and if she wanted something in the afternoon. She said she was satisfied and didn't need anything later. To which I replied, ok, so you get your rocks off and deny us the satisfaction of having sex together. She didn't know what to say. She said she didn't consider her masturbation a problem,and didn't put it into the same category as the sex we have. She said she's always been satisfied with me, and us. I then asked her again, did she masturbate in January. She said no. I then asked, so if our intercourse frequency increase caused you to not need to masturbate, how can you say our lovemaking and your masturbation aren't connected? If they were separate, then you would have not stopped masturbating. She said she didn't consider them the same thing. I told her they may not be the same thing but to deny the connection doesn't hold water from the actions. Church was very long for sure.
On our way home, no communication at all. We get home, and she immediately confronts me. Are you going to leave me? No, that's not going to happen. I layout that all these years, I've been trying to improve communication about sex to no avail. I've always asked her what she likes/dislikes, wanted to try new things, yet I was shot down many times with 'I don't know'. There was always a wall i couldn't penetrate. I asked her why she didn't come to me years ago to talk about this, and she was afraid because women didn't ask for more sex. I was like seriously? WTF have I been trying to do for the last 5 years???? I told her that her stopping masturbating after our increase in frequency was a total betrayal to me. 5 years, i'd been trying to improve things. She said she wanted to have more sex but didn't know how to tell me. WTF? Really? 20 years of marriage? I then tell her it was obvious her masturbation was more important to her than improving our sex life having discovered that only after our increase in frequency caused her masturbation to stop.
I know and understand the role of masturbation to one's self. I have no problem with her doing it and I expected her to do it at least once in a while.
Maybe I shouldn't feel this way, but knowing her masturbation stopped was a bit much for me to take. Had it continued then there would have been no connection to our intimacy and her masturbation, but its obvious the opposite was true based on her actions and events. For this reason, I feel the last 5 years was a total waste of my time and effort. I asked here where do I get those five years of my life back? I asked her about all of the effort I put into this, and her preferring to keep soloing away instead of working on us. I also asked about her comment the week before that there was nothing more to know about her sexually. Obviously, it was a lie. NOW, she says I know everything.
I love my wife dearly, and will do anything for her, but I can't help feeling a bit betrayed by her. Knowing that she says she wants to always make things better between us, yet seeing the exact opposite is true is hard to take. Am I crazy for feeling this way?
Our sex life has been never been great, but what i would call good. 1x week with occasionally 2x a week. We normally both reach orgasm and I have always tried to make sure she enjoyed it. 5 or 6 years ago I told her i wanted to improve that aspect of our marriage. I just wanted more passion and trying new things to see what we would like/not like. We tried basic toys, positions, but every time I tried to get my wife to tell me what she did/didn't like she would not be very responsive and evasive. I've been working on improving things for many years to say the least. My wife was raised to be very private about sex, and has never opened up to me about sex.
I've also noticed over the years that occasionally she wasn't always into making love. She was just distracted. She had a stressful job, and 3 kids, so no surprise there. I did try to refocus her on me by whispering and talking to her and that always seemed to help. She then would get into it and the sex would be good. We talked about her not always being focus and she agreed that was an issue so we were both aware. I would tell her to focus and she would then start to get into sex enjoy it much more. She rarely initiates, and that was an issue for me with her. Its never gotten better, but I kinda just gave up on that note.
Over these last 3 years, our frequency increased from 1x to 2x. At this point, my wife only rarely doesn't have an O during sex. For the last 2 years, my wife and i have been having friends over for drinks and laughs on Friday night. Some times we would go to their house (Next door, kids in tow). Nothing sexual just a good time and drinks. We would both be at least tipsy if not intoxicated. We would come home and proceed to make passionate love to each other. Over the last year, with the bleeding, it was at times messy, but we both enjoyed each other.
Over all of these years of trying to improve our sex life, I've always told her that I didn't feel I would ever be that man for her. She just could never let go with me. She always seems to be holding back. With seeing her on those recent Friday nights, I knew there was more in her, but sober, I was never going to turn her on so she would let go. I told her that she needed to find someone else to let go with. She was always holding back with me. She always said that was never going to happen as I was the only man for her. She's never had a second orgasm with me at any point. She didn't seem to think it was possible.
For our 20th anniversary, we sent the kids to my father's in Denver for a week. We went to Key West. We stayed with a coworker i've known for several years for 2 days, and then went to a bed and breakfast. At the BNB, we went out carousing in KW, and came home both liquored up. Needless to say, my wife attacked me when we got back to the room, and it was some the best sex we'd ever had.
Fast forward to this past January, after the partial, the 6 week long desert trek of no sex caused us to focus more on other types of sex. I've always been more than willing to go down on her, massage her, and kiss her all over. She's never been particularly good at bjs, but she did lingam for the first time. After the 6 weeks was over (early January), we started having sex much more frequently, 3-4x/week. I got her to agree to buy some soft videos (Hegre), to help spice things up. Nothing hard core. I also bought her luna balls to assist with kegels and her incontinence.
At one point, we went 6 days straight. Each night was a little different, but we were both into it and both enjoyed it with successful Os. One night, she had 2 orgasms. >>She told me one night that I knew all there was about her. The 7th day was Friday and our daughter had volleyball relatively early the next day. Well, we had friends over, but were going to make it an early night. I got off of work and immediately went in and said something dirty to her and she immediately shut me down saying we had to get up early. Yet, a few days before we talked about sex on Friday night, so i was very much looking forward to it. When our friends were there, she was having a good time,but I admit I was pissed. My wife is very beautiful, and I wanted to enjoy her that night. Needless to say, after our friends left I confronted her about an unrelated topic, and things blew up a bit. The next morning I basically confessed that my confrontation to her was about not having sex. She said that we should have had, cause she wanted it too after we got to bed.
Fast forward to this week. Friday, we both took the day off, and had an 'us' day. I gave her a luxurious massage, she gave me one, and things went from there the rest of the afternoon until the kids got home. I mentioned to her earlier in the month that we probably needed to put new batteries in the ancient vibrator we have. She made an offhand comment that the batteries in it were good. At the time I pondered how she knew that. Saturday, we enjoyed each other multiple times throughout the day (locked doors are a wonderful thing). Saturday night, she had a little too much wine, and we started passionately kissing when our daughter walked in from being out. We took it upstairs and had sex. During sex, we talked a bit, and out of the blue, I asked her if she masturbated. I honestly didn't know but suspected she might. I've nothing against it. I've not done it in a few years, but I've no hangups about it. Surprisingly, she said yes she does. How often? Once a week or so. She almost looked scared to tell me. I asked her how long had she been doing it, and she said for the last 5-7 years. She seemed genuinely ashamed. I told her it was no big deal but I was still a bit shocked. We made love again a second time but I wasn't that into it so we stopped.
The next morning I woke up early. Still a bit bothered by her not telling me over these years, as I had point blank asked her about it previously on multiple occasions. As to the act, she had said she only thinks about me when she does it, which I thought was a good thing. Needless to say, I woke her up a bit early and told her I wanted her to show me. She said she didn't want to, so i started in with the vibrator on her. It wasn't long and she was into it. She started touching herself, which is something I've only seen her do 1 other time with me. Finally, i told her to take over. She hesitated at first, but then finally took over and finished. I could tell it was definitely intense for her.
We started talking about her masturbating. She seemed very defensive about it. She said it was her time, and I didn't disagree. I asked her how many times she's done it this year. Answer: None. I didn't need to. I was like what? She said with us having sex more she didn't need to do it. For me it was a red flag.
On our way to church, I asked her if she was satisfied after the morning events and if she wanted something in the afternoon. She said she was satisfied and didn't need anything later. To which I replied, ok, so you get your rocks off and deny us the satisfaction of having sex together. She didn't know what to say. She said she didn't consider her masturbation a problem,and didn't put it into the same category as the sex we have. She said she's always been satisfied with me, and us. I then asked her again, did she masturbate in January. She said no. I then asked, so if our intercourse frequency increase caused you to not need to masturbate, how can you say our lovemaking and your masturbation aren't connected? If they were separate, then you would have not stopped masturbating. She said she didn't consider them the same thing. I told her they may not be the same thing but to deny the connection doesn't hold water from the actions. Church was very long for sure.
On our way home, no communication at all. We get home, and she immediately confronts me. Are you going to leave me? No, that's not going to happen. I layout that all these years, I've been trying to improve communication about sex to no avail. I've always asked her what she likes/dislikes, wanted to try new things, yet I was shot down many times with 'I don't know'. There was always a wall i couldn't penetrate. I asked her why she didn't come to me years ago to talk about this, and she was afraid because women didn't ask for more sex. I was like seriously? WTF have I been trying to do for the last 5 years???? I told her that her stopping masturbating after our increase in frequency was a total betrayal to me. 5 years, i'd been trying to improve things. She said she wanted to have more sex but didn't know how to tell me. WTF? Really? 20 years of marriage? I then tell her it was obvious her masturbation was more important to her than improving our sex life having discovered that only after our increase in frequency caused her masturbation to stop.
I know and understand the role of masturbation to one's self. I have no problem with her doing it and I expected her to do it at least once in a while.
Maybe I shouldn't feel this way, but knowing her masturbation stopped was a bit much for me to take. Had it continued then there would have been no connection to our intimacy and her masturbation, but its obvious the opposite was true based on her actions and events. For this reason, I feel the last 5 years was a total waste of my time and effort. I asked here where do I get those five years of my life back? I asked her about all of the effort I put into this, and her preferring to keep soloing away instead of working on us. I also asked about her comment the week before that there was nothing more to know about her sexually. Obviously, it was a lie. NOW, she says I know everything.
I love my wife dearly, and will do anything for her, but I can't help feeling a bit betrayed by her. Knowing that she says she wants to always make things better between us, yet seeing the exact opposite is true is hard to take. Am I crazy for feeling this way?