This is a test, this is only a test! - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:58 PM Thread Starter
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How long can my W go without sex? Some background: both in our mid-40s, married for 20+ yrs. We both enjoy a healthy sex life, usually having sex every 2-3 days, but sometimes daily for a stretch. I almost always initiate, but sometimes she initiates in her own way (by telling me I should initiate). We both have good or gasms when needed.

She had to travel out of state recently to care for a terminal brother. There were several complications related to his eventual death and it was very stressful/emotional. She was gone for 11 days and returned last Saturday. Mentally she is still reeling from his untimely death (age 48), and was not in the mood, which is unusual for her. I have taken on all of the household tasks to allow her time to rest/recover.

But I have noticed other changes, like not grabbing my junk when in passing and not holding my junk while we sleep (which would be normal for us). I asked if she misses the intimacy and she says sure. I told her I would not pressure her for sex but due to the circumstances would wait for her to tell me.

I just wonder how long that will be? (For those who know our past missteps, I seriously doubt she had sex with someone else while she was gone, but you never know for sure).

Last edited by MAJDEATH; 02-27-2017 at 04:08 PM.
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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 03:05 PM
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Re: This is a test, this is only a test!

You just caught her in the beginnings of an affair about 3 months ago. So who knows. Your wife is not the most faithful of individuals. Why don't you just open up your marriage (I hate that and think it is morally wrong, but in your case it would at least make her think even if you didn't act on it).
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: This is a test, this is only a test!

I hope you brought survival rations. You just might need them.

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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 03:22 PM
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Re: This is a test, this is only a test!

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
How long can my W go without sex? Some background: both in our mid-40s, married for 20+ yrs. We both enjoy a healthy sex life, usually having sex every 2-3 days, but sometimes daily for a stretch. I almost always initiate, but sometimes she initiates in her own way (by telling me I should initiate). We both have good or gasms when needed.

She had to travel out of state recently to care for a terminal brother. There were several complications related to his eventual death and it was very stressful/emotional. She was gone for 11 days and returned last Saturday. Mentally she is still reeling from his untimely death, and was not in the mood, which is unusual for her. I have taken on all of the household tasks to allow her time to rest/recover.

But I have noticed other changes, like not grabbing my junk when in passing and not holding my junk while we sleep (which would be normal for us). I asked if she misses the intimacy and she says sure. I told her I would not pressure her for sex but due to the circumstances would wait for her to tell me.

I just wonder how long that will be? (For those who know our past missteps, I seriously doubt she had sex with someone else while she was gone, but you never know for sure).

Is she usually in the mood right after a family member dies?
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: This is a test, this is only a test!

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I just wonder how long that will be? (For those who know our past missteps, I seriously doubt she had sex with someone else while she was gone, but you never know for sure).
It's not easy being supportive and compassionate to a wife who recently again betrayed your trust. At this time, I do think that it is a bit strange that you are thinking of "how many days can she stay away from sex". There are two much more pressing issues to be thinking about.
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 03:33 PM
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Re: This is a test, this is only a test!

My wife and I have gone over a year without sex. More than once. The first time I asked for sex often and got rejected. The second time (15 years later) I did not initiate and she tried once or twice about a year into the "drought", at which point I was no longer interested and turned her down. So if you are asking how long someone can go without sex while married, the answer can be "a LONG time".

Talk to your wife. Tell her that you are there for her. Make it clear that you will give her space if she needs it, but you are available for her to offload some of her pain and fear if that is what she wants. Provide her with non-sexual touch if she is open to that. Keep the touching and communication going even if there is no sex. Most likely, the touching will eventually lead to sex. How long until then? No one can say.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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Last edited by Holdingontoit; 02-27-2017 at 06:24 PM.
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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
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I read somewhere that people are very susceptible to an A during situations regarding an untimely death. They start evaluating their own lives and if they determine they are unhappy or unfulfilled, coupled with the emotional state could lead to infidelity. And her track record was not good at times.

As far as I can tell, she is happy and fullfilled and was surrounded by family during her recent travels. We shall see.
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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 04:09 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
You just caught her in the beginnings of an affair about 3 months ago. So who knows. Your wife is not the most faithful of individuals. Why don't you just open up your marriage (I hate that and think it is morally wrong, but in your case it would at least make her think even if you didn't act on it).
Basically my side is open.
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 04:11 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Holdingontoit View Post
My wife and I have gone over a year without sex. More than once. The first time I asked for sex often and got rejected. The second time (15 years alter) I did not initiate and she tried once or twice about a year into the "drought", at which point I was no longer interested and turned her down. So if you are asking how long someone can go without sex while married, the answer can be "a LONG time".

Talk to your wife. Tell her that you are there for her. Make it clear that you will give her space if she needs it, but you are available for her to offload some of her pain and fear if that is what she wants. Provide her with non-sexual touch if she is open to that. Keep the touching and communication going even if there is no sex. Most likely, the touching will eventually lead to sex. How long until then? No one can say.
I hope it is not years until she initiates! What's funny is, according to IC, she never had a lack of initiating with all of her OM.
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 01:22 AM
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Re: This is a test, this is only a test!

How are you enjoying the rest of your life, so far?
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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 07:54 AM
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Re: This is a test, this is only a test!

According to a comedian, women are to sex like camels are to water!
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 08:50 AM
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Only she knows how long she can go without sex.
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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 08:51 AM
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Quote:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Holdingontoit View Post
My wife and I have gone over a year without sex. More than once. The first time I asked for sex often and got rejected. The second time (15 years alter) I did not initiate and she tried once or twice about a year into the "drought", at which point I was no longer interested and turned her down. So if you are asking how long someone can go without sex while married, the answer can be "a LONG time".

Talk to your wife. Tell her that you are there for her. Make it clear that you will give her space if she needs it, but you are available for her to offload some of her pain and fear if that is what she wants. Provide her with non-sexual touch if she is open to that. Keep the touching and communication going even if there is no sex. Most likely, the touching will eventually lead to sex. How long until then? No one can say.
I hope it is not years until she initiates! What's funny is, according to IC, she never had a lack of initiating with all of her OM.
So if it IS years, do you just plan on waiting?
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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 09:37 AM
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Re: This is a test, this is only a test!

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Only she knows how long she can go without sex.
May, maybe not. Maybe she does not know and she is trying to figure it out for herself. Her husband is just collateral damage.

Or maybe she is emotionally upset about her brother dying. Some people want more sex when they are upset. Some want no sex when they are upset. OP's wife seems to be among the latter. Which is why I suggested he offer her emotional support that is NOT sexual in nature but keeps the bond between them going so that when she feels a tiny flicker of urge he is there to fan the flames. If he pushes her away while she is grieving, he won't be close enough to her when she starts feeling a little better.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 05:08 PM
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Re: This is a test, this is only a test!

Maybe she's waiting for a foot massage.
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