Getting partner to explore more - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 11:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Big sister loves you. And She is watching you. She is watching all of us. She cut an inch off the end of my tongue. She did. Ask her.

I now hasa lisp whan I white. Add that to the wavy wisp...wisp of sanity that still sparks in my pumpkin.

She is watching you from behind her veil.

I can climb her wall and peek, have a look-see. But I don't. My imagination works better than my old eyes.
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My PM?

Post Mortem....nobody loves an old fool.

Well, excepting an occasional visit from a robed Buddha, with no underwear....... no Under Armor, underneath his smile!
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Evade Death...at all costs. Death travels with the Wind. Run counter....counter, my friends. It will pass over your head....looking for fear, avoiding the brave. I hope. Hope lives in Canada.
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Molly....

Turn your head 45 degrees. Press the bridge of your nose against the bridge of your husbands. That is the closest Your Eyes will get to His...Eyes....... Aye, Yai, Yai!

While in this position tell him to "Tie you up and **** you". "Do it now, my sexy man!"
I like this plan! Lol

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post #17 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 11:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by WonkyNinja View Post
You could try being tied up and then add the live octopus ....... that would probably be way past the "common kink" barrier.
How exactly does the octopus fit in? Do you eat it or?

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post #18 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 09:36 AM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

Sounds like Japanese porn......

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Originally Posted by WonkyNinja View Post
You could try being tied up and then add the live octopus ....... that would probably be way past the "common kink" barrier.
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post #19 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
You are right, I didn't bring it up at the best of times. We went through a major dry spell and it was while we were sorting that out that I broached the topic. Maybe a more well thought out plan of attack will work
You may find it interesting to know that in marriages where the topic of sex becomes frustrating, that the person with an active drive will subconsciously initiate at a moment when they already know they will be rejected. This is done because one person is upset with the other, and just looking for a reason to validate themselves for being so upset and continuing to be.

Imagine if we were partners and I were upset with you for not helping make the bed in the morning. I would get unreasonably furious about it, and go to you while you are in the middle of your shower and insist you stop right then and help make up the bed. You would be like "no ****** way!" And I would be completely validated for being so upset and think to myself, "I knew it! I just knew it! She ****** hates making the bed!" Meanwhile you didn't make the bed because you just wanted to let me sleep a few minutes extra.

So if you and your husband were going through a dry spell, you were upset about it, and used that moment to suggest getting a little kinky in the bedroom... Ask yourself if there wasn't part of you that wanted validation for being frustrated about the dry spell, and you were just looking for a reason to stay upset and blame everything on your husband. You know as opposed to looking at some of your own faults (we ALL have them!)

Cheers,
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post #20 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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I want to explore bandage, and maybe a few fetishes. My husband seems uncomfortable with this. I've asked him once to tie me up and he told me I have a problem. Has anyone successful warmed their partners up to the idea of being a little more open to exploring these types of sex acts? Vanilla is great but it gets boring after a while. That being said I don't want to push my partner away with this stuff either.
Maybe tie HIM up until he relents?

Seriously, while he seems like someone who has little interest in being creative when it comes to sex, he should at least be mature enough to validate your desires. He should be thinking of ways in which he can meet you half way.
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post #21 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 01:31 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Maybe tie HIM up until he relents?

Seriously, while he seems like someone who has little interest in being creative when it comes to sex, he should at least be mature enough to validate your desires. He should be thinking of ways in which he can meet you half way.
How would this square with the idea that nobody should feel any necessity to do anything sexual whatsoever that they are not completely enthusiastic about?

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post #22 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 01:35 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

I've never liked that idea.

I think that in a loving relationship each should go out of their way to try to please the other. That doesn't mean doing things that are painful / degrading, but I think each should enjoy pleasing their partners even if they don't particularly enjoy the actions themselves.



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How would this square with the idea that nobody should feel any necessity to do anything sexual whatsoever that they are not completely enthusiastic about?
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post #23 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 01:54 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

Here here here!

When I first brought up some adventurous love making to my husband, he looked at me like my head was turned backward! But I mind bombed him haha! Dropping little hints here, leaving the computer open on the sexiest (*****ish... Ahem.) Lingerie I could find, etc. He must have been taking it all in without realizing it because he started bringing it up to me after he had time to think about it. He said he never gave it much thought before and when he did he thought I would think he's a freak. You know what? He IS a freak, me too Figured that out a long time ago, now he's a pro.

It really depends on the guy and what types of new adventures you are interested in. Does he have any fantasy's? My H loves bondage, and not just your run-of-the-mill handcuff stuff, it's a complete dominance thing. Does your H seem like the alpha type? Maybe try suggesting certain things or just talk about some of them, like ask him what he thinks of bondage.
And when he asks for your opinion say something like "I don't know, it would be kind of hot to be strung up and used for your pleasure" gauge his REACTION not what he says. My H used to be like, nah that's not for me, meanwhile he'd get up off the couch to go to the kitchen with a raging hard-on hahaha! Some dudes don't like to admit their kinks openly. But unlike us, they CANT hide their ezcitement

Wouldn't that be a fun way to figure out his sexy desires? Strip him naked and talk about the stuff you want to do, and more importantly why! See if his body agrees with his words LOL
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post #24 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
How would this square with the idea that nobody should feel any necessity to do anything sexual whatsoever that they are not completely enthusiastic about?
Great question. The boyfriend doesn't need to partake in tying his girlfriend up, but he should validate her desire by talking about it with her instead of just giving her an eye-roll. If he was creative, he can try to meet her needs in other ways, such as agreeing to hold her wrists down or something simple like trying to make it a point to occasionally showing more assertiveness. I think that she would appreciate his willingness to find ways to compromise.
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post #25 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

Let me ask a question: if this was a woman saying her husband wanted to tie her up and she thought this was weird/sick, would we encourage her to indulge him?

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post #26 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 02:35 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
I want to explore bandage, and maybe a few fetishes. My husband seems uncomfortable with this. I've asked him once to tie me up and he told me I have a problem. Has anyone successful warmed their partners up to the idea of being a little more open to exploring these types of sex acts? Vanilla is great but it gets boring after a while. That being said I don't want to push my partner away with this stuff either.

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I assume you mean bondage. Bondage is to some a power exchange. Sometimes a spouse will not want to engage in a huge power exchange because they are afraid of the future unknown.

They could also be afraid of their own self control or lack thereof. Ask you H what he fears or makes him uncomfortable. Tell him that his wife of many years is not going to change, she will still be the same loving wife she has always been.

David Schnarch would say that the first key is self-soothing. That is each partner figuring out what it is that makes them feel uncomfortable and then figure out how to reduce that level of discomfort. One example of this is breaking an "act" down into components and practicing each separate one until you feel comfortable with it, then combining them all together. You can try that with each fetish.

For example with bondage. You could start by having him hold your wrist together with one of his hands while he makes love to you. Then maybe you and he can put a scarf around your wrists but in a way that will not bind your hands together and that you can easily escape. If you approach things in gradual steps that you and your partner can become comfortable with then you can be more explorative. As they say, it is only kinky the first time you do it. That is why breaking things down into components you can become comfortable with is a good approach.

Good luck.
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post #27 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 02:46 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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That is each partner figuring out what it is that makes them feel uncomfortable and then figure out how to reduce that level of discomfort. One example of this is breaking an "act" down into components and practicing each separate one until you feel comfortable with it, then combining them all together. You can try that with each fetish.
Good luck.
This is predicated on somebody wanting to do this. If it is something you consider morally/ethically unacceptable, you won't be interested in a tool for figuring out how to overcome your moral objections.

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post #28 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 02:50 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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post #29 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 03:50 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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I've never liked that idea.

I think that in a loving relationship each should go out of their way to try to please the other. That doesn't mean doing things that are painful / degrading, but I think each should enjoy pleasing their partners even if they don't particularly enjoy the actions themselves.
I'm torn on that philosophy. I want my wife to be turned on by doing things to/for me. If they're doing something that they don't enjoy, I think resentment will set in. For example, I've always been disappointed my wife won't swallow. Hell, she doesn't even play with cvm (I had an ex that could practically have an orgasm rubbing it all over her breasts). She's made it clear it's not something she will do, but would do it if I really wanted to. Where's the fun in that? Yet, resentment sets in on my part, so there's the other side of the coin...
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post #30 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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This is predicated on somebody wanting to do this. If it is something you consider morally/ethically unacceptable, you won't be interested in a tool for figuring out how to overcome your moral objections.
Schnarch likes to say that marriage, if done right, is the hardest thing two people can do together. I tend to agree. He also sees two people in a marriage developing each at their own rate and then finding themselves constantly pulling or pushing their spouses boundaries as they try to establish a new happy compromised relationship.

The OP clearly stated that she wanted to try some fetishes and was asking for help and suggestions.

So she was clearly wanting to do this. So at least she might be interested in a tool for figuring out how to overcome ......... objections. That is why I provided her with some information. Her husband maybe not as interested, but that is the push and pull of a normal marriage. If he has moral or ethical issues, he should state them and explain them to his wife.

One of the things that Schnarch likes to describe it french kissing and how disgusting is that at first glance. However, you know people do it and after a few times, it is pretty hot. I would imagine that one could say all that sharing of germs is disgusting, unhealthy, and immoral. Yet, most people do this. It is all a very large slippery slope, when it comes to sex.

My wife who has lots of sexual hangups was told by the nuns at the convent school she went to that nothing a husband and wife do after marriage is wrong. Later my wife told me that the nuns didn't know how perverted men could be. I think that the nuns, actually did know.

People are allowed to have boundaries on what they will and will not do. No one should be forced to do things that they do not want to do. But those are their own personal boundaries. I have little problems with two people doing things that are consensual, will not cause bodily damage, is not abusive or humiliating. If two people want to explore their sexual boundaries within marriage, then let them. If the advice helps them then great.
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