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post #31 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

I have been into BDSM for 47 years. My wife is not into it but she brought her girlfriend into our lives and bed. My wife got a female lover in addition to me and I got a girlfriend for loved dominating me. Worked out perfectly for 30 years. Although she has a dominant personality, she did not know anything about BDSM. BDSM covers a very broad field. For instance, I am more into S&M and really do not like bondage much other than the occasional tying down to the bed. Before my girlfriend I had to make my own dominant sex partner. I have successfully done that a few times and here is how.

First off, if your husband is against hurting or tying you up, the best you can hope for is that he will assume a role and do it out of love. My wife used to be, and still is to a great extent, submissive. She will play with me now that our girlfriend is no longer in our life, but her heart is not into it. Her girlfriend used to sigh with pleasure by hurting me. With other women I have been successful by taking baby steps. Start off with him teasing you while bound to the four corners of the bed. They sell nylon straps with velcro cuffs that attach to the four corners of you bed out of sight. We used to have them and even took them on vacation with the three of us. If not improvise. A spreader bar is easily made out of a dowel and some eyelet screws.

I also sometimes started off with just asking the girl to blindfold me and tease me. We would do that a few times. Then I might suggest that she tweak my nipples and when she did I would moan in pleasure. I basically trained them like Pavlov's dogs. I acted a lot and whenever they did something I wanted them to do, I reacted with a great show of pleasure until they started doing it on their own with no prompting from me. After that move on to the next thing. Perhaps getting spanked. I would play games with the girl and loser gets a spanking. I always lost. A light spanking is pretty vanilla these days. If he does that and gets used to it, you can kid him and tell him that you hardly feel it and a strong man like him should be able to hit harder or whatever you think will work.

Spanking led to paddling because at a certain point his hand will hurt from spanking you. I would introduce an innocent ping pong paddle and suggest that he use that to save his hands. Once he is used to beating your butt, it really does not matter what else he uses. I have to stress that you need to take baby steps. It took me a good three years to train my girlfriend and she was a natural dominant to begin with. My wife has a nice collection of BDSM gear and impact toys, but hardly uses them. She is OK with nipple torture and some slapping of the family jewels. That is about it. Once in a while I can get her to slap my face by goading her about girlie slaps. She will do just about anything I ask but it is not the same if they are not really into it. Having been with two truly sexually dominant women, the difference is significant. When they want to dominate you it is more exciting. You do not have to top from the bottom or act to make them know you are enjoying what they are doing. They did not care if I enjoyed it or not. I did have limits but they were simply to do nothing that required medical attention.

So take baby steps and if his heart is not into it, it never will be. Men tend to be naturally dominant so perhaps you can just wake that up in his sexual being by taking it slow. You do something light and step it up after time and before you know it, spanking your butt a little turns into whipping you until you cry. I know that my wife will never change but we found something else that appeals to the sexual masochist in me and my wife's comfort zone.

My point is to look for something that satisfies both of you. If you look online you will find a list of sexual fetishes. Almost all that you can think of and some that you cannot. The form iused has boxes to check off to indicate if you are not willing to try the fetish, will try it or definitely into it. Then compare notes. The danger is that while a kink is something you would like to do, a fetish is something you have to do or it will forever eat away at you and detract from your enjoyment of sex. There is no turning a fetish off.

Good luck and remember to take baby steps. Join fetlife.com for free and get some advice. Many are in the same situation as you and if nothing is done about it, it will gnaw at you forever. I have had sex with a few married women, with their husbands' OK, to do the things that they did not want to do with their wives. Some were kind of gross but some were as simple as a good hard spanking.

You can explain the mental aspects of what you like to your husband or buy him one of many books on Amazon which will explain the fetish to him and how it is not what he thinks it is. Otherwise find common ground or do the equivalent of faking an orgasm by having him take on a role and pretend. The latter is what I mostly did with my wife. She does not want a submissive husband. She married me because I am an alpha male like her dad and her brothers. I made her understand that we are just playing a sex game were we take on roles and those roles do not define us outside of the bedroom. That is all you can do.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 02-28-2017 at 10:13 PM.
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post #32 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:01 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

Damn, Vinny, you've had quite a fun life!
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post #33 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
You may find it interesting to know that in marriages where the topic of sex becomes frustrating, that the person with an active drive will subconsciously initiate at a moment when they already know they will be rejected. This is done because one person is upset with the other, and just looking for a reason to validate themselves for being so upset and continuing to be.

Imagine if we were partners and I were upset with you for not helping make the bed in the morning. I would get unreasonably furious about it, and go to you while you are in the middle of your shower and insist you stop right then and help make up the bed. You would be like "no ****** way!" And I would be completely validated for being so upset and think to myself, "I knew it! I just knew it! She ****** hates making the bed!" Meanwhile you didn't make the bed because you just wanted to let me sleep a few minutes extra.

So if you and your husband were going through a dry spell, you were upset about it, and used that moment to suggest getting a little kinky in the bedroom... Ask yourself if there wasn't part of you that wanted validation for being frustrated about the dry spell, and you were just looking for a reason to stay upset and blame everything on your husband. You know as opposed to looking at some of your own faults (we ALL have them!)

Cheers,
Badsanta
That makes sense. I don't think it was my motive at the time though. Who knows, maybe it was my subconscious motive. It came up because in an argument he said his needs weren't being fulfilled. In this new conversation (a different day) I tried to get him to tell me his needs and his new answer was that they were being filled and he doesn't have any. I first don't believe that but he is very closed off in sexual conversations. I could happily talk about it all day. Maybe that's why I'm on TAM. Anyway, I told told him my desires hoping to get something out of him. He told me I'm not normal. Go figure. I don't really know how to reapproach the subject.

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post #34 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

There are a lot of very tricky questions wrapped up in this about what is "reasonable" in s sexual relationship.

For example, I would say that a husband who was only "comfortable" with PIV intercourse in missionary position and found the idea of pleasing his wife using fingers or mouth to be disgusting was not being a reasonable sexual partner unless such limits had been discussed beforehand.

At the other extreme, I don't think a woman should ever have to submit to bondage and beatings even though there are other women who enjoy that sort of play.

In the intermediate place is performing oral on a partner. Some people find this to be a completely normal and expected part of sexual activity, other find it abusive.

There is also the question of physical vs mental discomfort. A woman might be horrified at the idea of pegging her husband, even though that act is not at all uncomfortable to her.

For myself, I would be willing to do anything that was consensual and that was not too painful for me, or a rather limited set of things that I find deeply gross or disturbing. (I have a phobia of needles so would not tolerate that sort of play under any conditions).


I would encourage people to be clear to themselves why they do not want to engage in some sort of sexual behavior to please their partners. If the reasons are valid, that is fine. Sometimes though they may realize that they haven't really thought about the idea carefully and may actually be OK with it.

When there is a big mismatch it can be very frustrating.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
Let me ask a question: if this was a woman saying her husband wanted to tie her up and she thought this was weird/sick, would we encourage her to indulge him?
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post #35 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
I have been into BDSM for 47 years. My wife is not into it but she brought her girlfriend into our lives and bed. My wife got a female lover in addition to me and I got a girlfriend for loved dominating me. Worked out perfectly for 30 years. Although she had a dominant personality, she did not know anything about BDSM. BDSM covers a very broad field. For instance, I am more into S&M and really do not like bondage much other than the occasional tying down to the bed. Before my girlfriend I had to make my own dominant sex partner. I have successfully done that a few times and here is how.

First off, if your husband is against hurting or tying you up, the best you can hope for is that he will assume a role and do it out of love. My wife used to be, and still is to a great extent, submissive. She will play with me now that our girlfriend is no longer in our life but her heart is not into it. Her girlfriend used to sigh with pleasure by hurting me. With other women I have been successfully by taking baby steps. Start off with him teasing you while bound to the four corners of the bed. They sell nylon straps with velcro cuffs that attach to the four corners of you bed out of sight. We used to have them and even took them on vacation with the three of us. If not improvise. A spreader bar is easily made out of a dowel and some eyelet screws.

What I did was start off with just asking the girl to blindfold me and tease me. We did that a few times. Then I might suggest that she tweak my nipples and when she did I would moan in pleasure. I basically trained them like Pavlov's dogs. I acted a lot and whenever they did something I wanted them to do, I reacted with a great show of pleasure until they started doing it on their own with no prompting from me. After than move on to the next thing. Perhaps getting spanked. I would play games with the girl and loser gets a spanking. I always lost. A light spanking is pretty vanilla these days. If he does that and gets used to it, you can kid him and tell him that you hardly feel it and a strong man like him should be able to hit harder or whatever you think will work.

Spanking led to paddling because at a certain point his hand will hurt from spanking you. I would introduce an innocent ping pong paddle and suggest that he use that to save his hands. Once he is used to beating your but, it really does not matter what else he uses. I have to stress that you need to take baby steps. It took me a good three years to train my girlfriend and she was a natural dominant to begin with. My wife has a nice collection of BDSM gear and impact toys but hardly uses them. She is OK with nipple torture and some slapping of the family jewels. That is about it. Once in a while I can get her to slap my face by goading her about girlie slaps. She will do just about anything I ask but it is not the same if they are not really into it. Having been with two truly sexually dominant women, the difference is significant. When they want to dominate you it is more exciting. You do not have to top from the bottom or act to make them know you are enjoying what they are doing. They did not care if I enjoyed it or not. I did have limits but they were simply to do nothing that required medical attention.

So take baby steps and if his heart is not into it, it never will be. Men tend to be naturally dominant so perhaps you can just wake that up in his sexual being by taking it slow. You do something light and step it up after time and before you know it, spanking your butt a little turns into whipping you until you cry. I know that my wife will never change but we found something else that appeals to the sexual masochist in me and my wife's comfort zone.

My point is to look for something that satisfies both of you. If you look online you will find a list of sexual fetishes. Almost all that you can think of and some that you cannot. The form has boxes to check off to indicate if you are not willing to try the fetish, will try it or definitely into it. Then compare notes. The danger is that while a kink is something you would like to do, a fetish is something you have to do or it will forever eat away at you and detract from your enjoyment of sex.

Good luck and remember to take baby steps. Join fetlife.com for free and get some advice. Many are in the same situation as you and if nothing is done about it, it will gnaw at you forever. I have had sex with a few married women, with their husband's OK to do the things that they did not want to do with their wife. Some were kind of gross but some were as simple as a good hard spanking.

You can explain the mental aspects of what you like to your husband or buy him one of many books on Amazon which will explain the fetish to him and how it is not what he thinks it is. Otherwise find common ground or do the equivalent of faking an orgasm by having him take on a role and pretend. The latter is what I mostly did with my wife. She does not want a submissive husband. She married me because I am an alpha male like her dad and her brothers. I made her understand that we are just playing a sex game were we take on roles and those roles do not define us outside of the bedroom. That is all you can do.
That's a pretty detailed post with some great ideas. I like at the end how you say it's getting others to understand the mental aspect. They get hung up on the psychical, which is part of it, but in the end it's the power dynamic I'm after. I'm a very dominant person in my personal life but in bed I want to be submissive.

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post #36 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:19 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

This can work but it depends on where the resistance is.

On of the man things I happen to enjoy is being dominated a bit. My wife doesn't enjoy this and while we have done some things that tend in that direction I am aware that she will never be comfortable / willing to actually do what I want that way. No amount of playing with positions etc will ever lead there.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
I assume you mean bondage. Bondage is to some a power exchange. Sometimes a spouse will not want to engage in a huge power exchange because they are afraid of the future unknown.

They could also be afraid of their own self control or lack thereof. Ask you H what he fears or makes him uncomfortable. Tell him that his wife of many years is not going to change, she will still be the same loving wife she has always been.

David Schnarch would say that the first key is self-soothing. That is each partner figuring out what it is that makes them feel uncomfortable and then figure out how to reduce that level of discomfort. One example of this is breaking an "act" down into components and practicing each separate one until you feel comfortable with it, then combining them all together. You can try that with each fetish.

For example with bondage. You could start by having him hold your wrist together with one of his hands while he makes love to you. Then maybe you and he can put a scarf around your wrists but in a way that will not bind your hands together and that you can easily escape. If you approach things in gradual steps that you and your partner can become comfortable with then you can be more explorative. As they say, it is only kinky the first time you do it. That is why breaking things down into components you can become comfortable with is a good approach.

Good luck.
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post #37 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by Steve1000 View Post
Maybe tie HIM up until he relents?

Seriously, while he seems like someone who has little interest in being creative when it comes to sex, he should at least be mature enough to validate your desires. He should be thinking of ways in which he can meet you half way.
One would hope their partner would do that. He recently asked to bring a vibrator into our sex life and that's as racey as he seems to get

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post #38 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I've never liked that idea.

I think that in a loving relationship each should go out of their way to try to please the other. That doesn't mean doing things that are painful / degrading, but I think each should enjoy pleasing their partners even if they don't particularly enjoy the actions themselves.
This makes sense to me. We all do things in relationships we don't necessary want to to make the relationship work. Why should sex be any different? I'm not saying he had to go all out BDSM, but lightly exploring a few things would be nice. Compromise.

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post #39 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:24 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
There are a lot of very tricky questions wrapped up in this about what is "reasonable" in s sexual relationship.

I would encourage people to be clear to themselves why they do not want to engage in some sort of sexual behavior to please their partners. If the reasons are valid, that is fine. Sometimes though they may realize that they haven't really thought about the idea carefully and may actually be OK with it.
Again, you have the contention that "No" is a complete sentence, requires no explanation and isn't an invitation for discussion...

Kushti divvus, pali i peni!
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post #40 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by Steve1000 View Post
Great question. The boyfriend doesn't need to partake in tying his girlfriend up, but he should validate her desire by talking about it with her instead of just giving her an eye-roll. If he was creative, he can try to meet her needs in other ways, such as agreeing to hold her wrists down or something simple like trying to make it a point to occasionally showing more assertiveness. I think that she would appreciate his willingness to find ways to compromise.
This, exactly this.

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post #41 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
Let me ask a question: if this was a woman saying her husband wanted to tie her up and she thought this was weird/sick, would we encourage her to indulge him?
Possibly. I think again it's about compromise in relationships. Also, it would depend on her comfort level with the partner. Being willing to be tied and and being asked to tie someone up are different. I want it, but I feel completely safe with my husband. Some women may not feel safe with their SO. I think that needs to be considered in answering your question.

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post #42 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

Quote:
Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
I assume you mean bondage. Bondage is to some a power exchange. Sometimes a spouse will not want to engage in a huge power exchange because they are afraid of the future unknown.

They could also be afraid of their own self control or lack thereof. Ask you H what he fears or makes him uncomfortable. Tell him that his wife of many years is not going to change, she will still be the same loving wife she has always been.

David Schnarch would say that the first key is self-soothing. That is each partner figuring out what it is that makes them feel uncomfortable and then figure out how to reduce that level of discomfort. One example of this is breaking an "act" down into components and practicing each separate one until you feel comfortable with it, then combining them all together. You can try that with each fetish.

For example with bondage. You could start by having him hold your wrist together with one of his hands while he makes love to you. Then maybe you and he can put a scarf around your wrists but in a way that will not bind your hands together and that you can easily escape. If you approach things in gradual steps that you and your partner can become comfortable with then you can be more explorative. As they say, it is only kinky the first time you do it. That is why breaking things down into components you can become comfortable with is a good approach.

Good luck.
No, I want bandages stuck all over me stupid auto-correct. Bandage is what I meant. I think he's uncomfortable with letting go in bed. I sonetimes try and move his hands so that they're pinning me down and he moves them pretty quickly. I think we have a long way to go before being tied up lol

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post #43 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 04:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by DonaldDuck666 View Post
I'm torn on that philosophy. I want my wife to be turned on by doing things to/for me. If they're doing something that they don't enjoy, I think resentment will set in. For example, I've always been disappointed my wife won't swallow. Hell, she doesn't even play with cvm (I had an ex that could practically have an orgasm rubbing it all over her breasts). She's made it clear it's not something she will do, but would do it if I really wanted to. Where's the fun in that? Yet, resentment sets in on my part, so there's the other side of the coin...
You're right, it isn't fun when they don't enjoy it. That's where part of the excitement for me comes from.

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post #44 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 05:12 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

Is he uncomfortable with the idea because he thinks it's abusive to treat a woman that way?

If he uncomfortable with the idea because he simply doesn't know how to go about it?

My DH and I share the same kinks, but he never thought it would be ok to act on them because he was programmed to think of being rough with a woman as abuse. Once he got past that and accepted his desires were shared by some women, me being the pertinent one, he had a "mind is willing, but imagination is weak" stage where he had to research to get ideas on how to turn his urges and kinks into actions.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #45 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
Let me ask a question: if this was a woman saying her husband wanted to tie her up and she thought this was weird/sick, would we encourage her to indulge him?
I most certainly would. We like what we like, and our partners at least should.take.our wants seriously and discuss. Marriage is a giant compromise right? Whether the wife wants to be tied up or the man wants to tie her up, their spouse should at least take them.seriously. Give it a shot before they decide, and if it's not for them, express that honestly with their partner and try some different adventurous love making together. Keep going until they find new ways they both love. You would get to know each other better and experience a whole bunch of firsts together.
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