I have been into BDSM for 47 years. My wife is not into it but she brought her girlfriend into our lives and bed. My wife got a female lover in addition to me and I got a girlfriend for loved dominating me. Worked out perfectly for 30 years. Although she has a dominant personality, she did not know anything about BDSM. BDSM covers a very broad field. For instance, I am more into S&M and really do not like bondage much other than the occasional tying down to the bed. Before my girlfriend I had to make my own dominant sex partner. I have successfully done that a few times and here is how.
First off, if your husband is against hurting or tying you up, the best you can hope for is that he will assume a role and do it out of love. My wife used to be, and still is to a great extent, submissive. She will play with me now that our girlfriend is no longer in our life, but her heart is not into it. Her girlfriend used to sigh with pleasure by hurting me.
With other women I have been successful by taking baby steps. Start off with him teasing you while bound to the four corners of the bed. They sell nylon straps with velcro cuffs that attach to the four corners of you bed out of sight. We used to have them and even took them on vacation with the three of us. If not improvise. A spreader bar is easily made out of a dowel and some eyelet screws.
I also sometimes started off with just asking the girl to blindfold me and tease me. We would do that a few times. Then I might suggest that she tweak my nipples and when she did I would moan in pleasure. I basically trained them like Pavlov's dogs. I acted a lot and whenever they did something I wanted them to do, I reacted with a great show of pleasure until they started doing it on their own with no prompting from me. After that move on to the next thing. Perhaps getting spanked. I would play games with the girl and loser gets a spanking. I always lost. A light spanking is pretty vanilla these days. If he does that and gets used to it, you can kid him and tell him that you hardly feel it and a strong man like him should be able to hit harder or whatever you think will work.
Spanking led to paddling because at a certain point his hand will hurt from spanking you. I would introduce an innocent ping pong paddle and suggest that he use that to save his hands. Once he is used to beating your butt, it really does not matter what else he uses. I have to stress that you need to take baby steps. It took me a good three years to train my girlfriend and she was a natural dominant to begin with. My wife has a nice collection of BDSM gear and impact toys, but hardly uses them. She is OK with nipple torture and some slapping of the family jewels. That is about it. Once in a while I can get her to slap my face by goading her about girlie slaps. She will do just about anything I ask but it is not the same if they are not really into it. Having been with two truly sexually dominant women, the difference is significant. When they want to dominate you it is more exciting. You do not have to top from the bottom or act to make them know you are enjoying what they are doing. They did not care if I enjoyed it or not. I did have limits but they were simply to do nothing that required medical attention.
So take baby steps and if his heart is not into it, it never will be. Men tend to be naturally dominant so perhaps you can just wake that up in his sexual being by taking it slow. You do something light and step it up after time and before you know it, spanking your butt a little turns into whipping you until you cry.
I know that my wife will never change but we found something else that appeals to the sexual masochist in me and my wife's comfort zone.
My point is to look for something that satisfies both of you. If you look online you will find a list of sexual fetishes. Almost all that you can think of and some that you cannot. The form iused has boxes to check off to indicate if you are not willing to try the fetish, will try it or definitely into it. Then compare notes. The danger is that while a kink is something you would like to do, a fetish is something you have to do or it will forever eat away at you and detract from your enjoyment of sex. There is no turning a fetish off.
Good luck and remember to take baby steps. Join fetlife.com for free and get some advice. Many are in the same situation as you and if nothing is done about it, it will gnaw at you forever. I have had sex with a few married women, with their husbands' OK, to do the things that they did not want to do with their wives. Some were kind of gross but some were as simple as a good hard spanking.
You can explain the mental aspects of what you like to your husband or buy him one of many books on Amazon which will explain the fetish to him and how it is not what he thinks it is. Otherwise find common ground or do the equivalent of faking an orgasm by having him take on a role and pretend. The latter is what I mostly did with my wife. She does not want a submissive husband. She married me because I am an alpha male like her dad and her brothers. I made her understand that we are just playing a sex game were we take on roles and those roles do not define us outside of the bedroom. That is all you can do.