Getting partner to explore more - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 05:40 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
This can work but it depends on where the resistance is.

On of the man things I happen to enjoy is being dominated a bit. My wife doesn't enjoy this and while we have done some things that tend in that direction I am aware that she will never be comfortable / willing to actually do what I want that way. No amount of playing with positions etc will ever lead there.
I agree with you. There are things that my wife may never do. She gets to set her own boundaries. However, we can play at the edges of her boundaries occasionally and see if anything has changed. People do change over time and sometimes your partner may just want to please you.

Schnarch has a very interesting observation on couples. He likes to call it marital sadism. In my own case, during the Sex Starved Marriage phase of my marriage, my wife knew on many levels that I need to be touched to feel loved. Even if she walked past me in a narrow hallway, she made sure she never touched me. Now, (after lots of sex therapy, talk and work on both our parts) she will touch me and when she does something wrong that emotionally hurts me, the first this she will do to apologize is touch my chest in a loving way.

In things like domination, unless there is very clear role playing, I can understand why one spouse may feel uncomfortable "doing cruel or treating their partner with "disrespect." The whole power exchange thing may feel very uncomfortable. One of the things I have read about that is that a "mask" such as a Halloween or Carnival mask can help one mentally change who they are on a temporary basis and allow them to do things they normally wouldn't.
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post #47 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 05:48 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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There are a lot of very tricky questions wrapped up in this about what is "reasonable" in s sexual relationship.

For example, I would say that a husband who was only "comfortable" with PIV intercourse in missionary position and found the idea of pleasing his wife using fingers or mouth to be disgusting was not being a reasonable sexual partner unless such limits had been discussed beforehand.

At the other extreme, I don't think a woman should ever have to submit to bondage and beatings even though there are other women who enjoy that sort of play.

In the intermediate place is performing oral on a partner. Some people find this to be a completely normal and expected part of sexual activity, other find it abusive.

There is also the question of physical vs mental discomfort. A woman might be horrified at the idea of pegging her husband, even though that act is not at all uncomfortable to her.

For myself, I would be willing to do anything that was consensual and that was not too painful for me, or a rather limited set of things that I find deeply gross or disturbing. (I have a phobia of needles so would not tolerate that sort of play under any conditions).


I would encourage people to be clear to themselves why they do not want to engage in some sort of sexual behavior to please their partners. If the reasons are valid, that is fine. Sometimes though they may realize that they haven't really thought about the idea carefully and may actually be OK with it.

When there is a big mismatch it can be very frustrating.
Yes! I have found that myself. Often partners say a firm NO to something before they even give it a second thought. After a bit though when they really think about it they can't quite figure out WHY they wouldn't want to at least try it!

Im with you on the whole, I'd try or do just about anything, with certain exceptions as well. The only real thing that I would say a hard NO to is probably as you said anything with needles.

And electrostim, something about that scares the crap out of me. Though I'm afraid to plug in the toaster sometimes lol
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post #48 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 05:51 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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You're right, it isn't fun when they don't enjoy it. That's where part of the excitement for me comes from.

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I think there is an important difference between not enjoying something vs finding something unpleasant. While I would want my partner to desire and enjoy what we do, I think it is fine some of the time to do things one does not enjoy. But one should not feel pressured into doing things they find unpleasant.

However, one's preconceptions (mis-perceptions?) can lead us to expect something to be unpleasant when in fact we won't. I remember as a young child my dad telling me about this candy which had peanut butter inside the chocolate. To my 5 yr old mind that sounded horrible. Fortunately I was brave enough to take a small taste under the encouragement of my dad.

There may be ways to introduce bondage subtley. For example, you could tell your husband you want him to use you as his sex toy. Tell him you want him to have fun and do whatever he wants tonight. (Reminds me of the meme of a wife in lingerie tied to the bed, the next panel is the husband at the shooting range. Caption: She told me to tie her up and do whatever I wanted ....).

Or you could be even more obscure. Tell him you want to try a new game. His Night - Her Night. Some of your sexual encounters will be designated as either His Night or Her Night. Alternate his - hers, with other nights just being whatever you normally do. On His Night, he gets to choose and set up whatever he wants. On Her Night, she does. You could add a rule that on His Night, she doesn't do anything without his direction. Don't kiss until he tells you to. Don't take off your clothes until he tells you to. If you approach this incrementally, you will get him desensitized to his preconception about bondage.

Introduce him to the Safe Word. Some word other than "No" or "Stop" which indicates the person wants the activity to stop there. The reason for using a different word is that you may want to playfully use "No" or "Stop" as part of your game.

There are a ton of sex games for sale. I have never seen one in real life, but perhaps a card or board game could be a safe introduction to a wider pallette of acts.

One additional thought. He may have some kind of trauma in his past or in the past of someone he knows. e.g. A friend who was raped as a teen, or a physically abusive relative who hit him. So he may have a strong reason not to go in this direction. If that is the case, he may not divulge it to you, and it may be a barrier you end up having to accept.
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post #49 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 05:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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I think there is an important difference between not enjoying something vs finding something unpleasant. While I would want my partner to desire and enjoy what we do, I think it is fine some of the time to do things one does not enjoy. But one should not feel pressured into doing things they find unpleasant.

However, one's preconceptions (mis-perceptions?) can lead us to expect something to be unpleasant when in fact we won't. I remember as a young child my dad telling me about this candy which had peanut butter inside the chocolate. To my 5 yr old mind that sounded horrible. Fortunately I was brave enough to take a small taste under the encouragement of my dad.

There may be ways to introduce bondage subtley. For example, you could tell your husband you want him to use you as his sex toy. Tell him you want him to have fun and do whatever he wants tonight. (Reminds me of the meme of a wife in lingerie tied to the bed, the next panel is the husband at the shooting range. Caption: She told me to tie her up and do whatever I wanted ....).

Or you could be even more obscure. Tell him you want to try a new game. His Night - Her Night. Some of your sexual encounters will be designated as either His Night or Her Night. Alternate his - hers, with other nights just being whatever you normally do. On His Night, he gets to choose and set up whatever he wants. On Her Night, she does. You could add a rule that on His Night, she doesn't do anything without his direction. Don't kiss until he tells you to. Don't take off your clothes until he tells you to. If you approach this incrementally, you will get him desensitized to his preconception about bondage.

Introduce him to the Safe Word. Some word other than "No" or "Stop" which indicates the person wants the activity to stop there. The reason for using a different word is that you may want to playfully use "No" or "Stop" as part of your game.

There are a ton of sex games for sale. I have never seen one in real life, but perhaps a card or board game could be a safe introduction to a wider pallette of acts.

One additional thought. He may have some kind of trauma in his past or in the past of someone he knows. e.g. A friend who was raped as a teen, or a physically abusive relative who hit him. So he may have a strong reason not to go in this direction. If that is the case, he may not divulge it to you, and it may be a barrier you end up having to accept.
He was sexually abused in the past. That is part of the reason why I didn't persist in getting him to fulfil my family fantasies. That and his telling me I'm not normal make me tread lightly. It's weird though because I think he'd be natural with dominance. He likes to set the pace it seems.

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post #50 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 06:07 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

Agreed - for a D/S scene to be fun the D needs to be enjoying what they are doing. "OK, I guess I can spank you if you really want" isn't quite the point....

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You're right, it isn't fun when they don't enjoy it. That's where part of the excitement for me comes from.

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post #51 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 06:10 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

You need to do some reading on sexual abuse if you haven't yet. I don't know much at all about male victims. My ex-W was sexually abused as a young child (and several other women I know irl are CSA victims), so I have seen how it can have effects we wouldn't logically expect. My wife found kissing very unpleasant, but she'd do just about anything else involving mouths. Her abuser used kissing as a coercion. A few times I tried more dominant approaches to piv, but all within normal mild stuff, and she got all weirdly passive and glassy eyed. She was triggering. This was really mild stuff, nowhere near bondage or dominance, but to her it was a terrible experience. She needed to feel control over the situation at all times. I saw her trigger during regular missionary sex due to the loss of feeling in control.

But I think you can try the sequential desensitization approach with your H if you take tiny baby steps, and back off at the first sign he is getting weird about it. YOu could intertwine your fingers while doing missionary. That's a baby step. Then another time you could tell him to take you from behind over the edge of the dining table. These things have hints of dominance. Don't expect him to move quickly to full bondage. YOu may only ever get him comfortable with mild stuff.
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post #52 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 06:11 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

That could be a big problem. Anything resembling force might trigger bad memories for him. I can imagine that someone who has been abused might not easily mentally separate play-force from real-force.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
He was sexually abused in the past. That is part of the reason why I didn't persist in getting him to fulfil my family fantasies. That and his telling me I'm not normal make me tread lightly. It's weird though because I think he'd be natural with dominance. He likes to set the pace it seems.

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post #53 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 06:25 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
He was sexually abused in the past. That is part of the reason why I didn't persist in getting him to fulfil my family fantasies. That and his telling me I'm not normal make me tread lightly. It's weird though because I think he'd be natural with dominance. He likes to set the pace it seems.
You're fine with respect to being normal.

The thing is that sexual abuse in the past may be an issue or not, or it could be he's concerned he might go too far, or enjoy dominating you too much or any other reason why he doesn't want to go there.

To some degree I think it comes down to how persuasive and convincing you can be. If you can effectively convey it to him that you want that kind of thing, because you trust him and feel safe to do this with him. Presuming it isn't a hard limit for him, he might come on board if he appreciates how much you want this with him.

On the other hand if it is a hard limit or it isn't in him to do this. No matter what you try, you will be barking up the wrong tree.

From my successful experience at this, I think the best time to talk about something as significant as this, isn't while having sex or just before. Although bringing it up outside of sex is potentially awkward, it eases the pressure to some degree just as talking about it after sex can as well.

If you get tongue tied trying to explain what you desire, or he feels awkward, put on the spot, or ambushed, you could instead write him a letter.
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post #54 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 06:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

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Originally Posted by Thor View Post
You need to do some reading on sexual abuse if you haven't yet. I don't know much at all about male victims. My ex-W was sexually abused as a young child (and several other women I know irl are CSA victims), so I have seen how it can have effects we wouldn't logically expect. My wife found kissing very unpleasant, but she'd do just about anything else involving mouths. Her abuser used kissing as a coercion. A few times I tried more dominant approaches to piv, but all within normal mild stuff, and she got all weirdly passive and glassy eyed. She was triggering. This was really mild stuff, nowhere near bondage or dominance, but to her it was a terrible experience. She needed to feel control over the situation at all times. I saw her trigger during regular missionary sex due to the loss of feeling in control.

But I think you can try the sequential desensitization approach with your H if you take tiny baby steps, and back off at the first sign he is getting weird about it. YOu could intertwine your fingers while doing missionary. That's a baby step. Then another time you could tell him to take you from behind over the edge of the dining table. These things have hints of dominance. Don't expect him to move quickly to full bondage. YOu may only ever get him comfortable with mild stuff.
I'm guessing he likely would only be OK will mild eventually. I wonder how sexual abuse affects dominance and submission. Being abused means no control. I wonder if becoming the dominant partner down the road could somehow and empowering

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post #55 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 06:37 PM
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Re: Getting partner to explore more

I will also add for someone to be dominant like that sexually, it would help a lot if it was what they wanted.

Being dominant I'm up for all sorts of things where I like to have my sexual partners be sexually submissive. Yet I find if I want it, I'm the one who put the effort into bringing others with me so that I can take/have it.

If he isn't inclined to lead this himself, won't it feel hollow if he goes along with it?
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