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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: Porn

Let's address the dating sites first. That's a big no noa and there is no acceptable explanation. In case he doesn't know it, you could go on Tinder or ****** ******* and have 50 men after you in 15 minutes if he wants to play that game.

The porn is a different story. Yes your feelings need to be discussed but if your sex life is active and often then unless your lingerie drawer is free of vibrators that you use when he is not around then if he wants to rub one out once in a while you don't get to have a double standard.

Porn can be a major issue but if that a taboo for you unless it is announced and together than the same applies for the "rabbit".

Communication will help you
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post #17 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:46 PM
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Re: Porn

Porn use is offensive to many women and can cause the "contrast effect," where it interferes with a husband's ability to find his wife sexually stimulating. Add to that the dishonesty, and porn can cause serious issues in a marriage. This study found that divorce rates double when people start watching porn mid-way through their marriage: Divorce rates double when people start watching porn | Science | AAAS.

Here's another article on why porn can be destructive to marriage by Dr. Harley, licensed clinical psychologist at Marriage Builders: Addiction to Pornography #1.

It's troubling that your husband dismissed your feelings when you brought it up to him. If it bothers you, he should care enough about your feelings to stop watching porn whether he agrees or not.
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post #18 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 02:35 PM
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Re: Porn

He sees nothing wrong with lying and porn and use of dating sites, therefore there is no reason to expect he'll ever stop doing it.

If you can't live like this, then don't.
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post #19 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: Porn

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Originally Posted by stixx View Post
He sees nothing wrong with lying and porn and use of dating sites, therefore there is no reason to expect he'll ever stop doing it.

If you can't live like this, then don't.
This is so true. You have to set your personal boundaries, and let him know what they are, and that you're serious about moving on if he violates them. There really is no other way. The hardest thing I've had to learn in marriage is that you don't have to convince someone of anything. If it hurts you, bothers you, isn't ok with you, it's within your right to say "That's not going to work for me." They don't have to agree with you, they just have to realize that if they violate your boundary they could lose you. If they don't care, then that's your answer.
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post #20 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: Porn

Your sex life is not the issue, and as pointed out, porn is not the issue. Nothing you have done or not done is the issue. The issue is your husband lying and hiding things from you.

You two need counseling. He may need counseling on his own to learn how to tell the truth.

Some people find it extremely difficult to tell the truth. Personally I have a poor opinion of men, so I have a tendency to think men are inclined to intentionally lie to their wives, but it is possible your husband is just insecure and currently incapable of telling the truth.

I have been married for 43 years. My wife still suffers from being insecure, and finds it hard to just tell the truth. Even after years of counseling. Luckily, I am extremely egotistical so when I catch her it doesn't bother me much, but I do realize lying is surely one of the most destructive forces in a relationship. It is a terrible thing.

My heart hurts for you. Please be well.
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post #21 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 06:19 PM
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Re: Porn

What would you say if he said hell yes i watch porn . When your being a ***** I'd rather watch porn and take care of myself.

your harsh reaction to "carching" him like he was a teenager embarrassed him into lying.
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post #22 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:49 PM
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Re: Porn

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
Honestly, I would be more concerned about him still being on dating sites (not to minimize the porn issue, but dating sites points more seriously to potential infidelity issues). Has that stopped?


Being on dating sites is the real red flag to me.

The OP said that she had self image issues and porn made her feel uncomfortable with herself. That is something she should explain to her husband.

I view porn (as long as it doesn't detract from their sex life as much like masturbation. As Bad Santa said, he is probably a creature of habit for both. Porn addiction is a totally different thing and a huge problem.

One of the things I learned in saving my marriage was that I cannot and should not believe I have a right to change my spouse, even if what they do hurts me. I can explain why what they do hurts me, but ultimately it is my spouse that gets to decide if they want to change or not. I can show my spouse that I am capable of change and I can change how I react when my spouse does something that hurts me. Ultimately, I can leave my spouse if things become too hurtful.

The OP is trying to change her husband. She shouldn't do that.

Likewise, if she has self-image issues, she needs to really work on them as they may be more than just be associated with porn, but impacting negatively her sex life with her husband. We all need to take responsibility for our own happiness and that includes sexual happiness.

Good luck op
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