Porn - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 07:50 PM Thread Starter
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Ok. I don't know if I'm doing this right but I need other people's input. I don't know if I'm over reacting or what. Here it is. I'm 25 and my husband is 28. We got married in Aug of 2016. We have been together for 3 years. We met on POF. alright my husband has been caught being on dating websites, porn sites, you name it. He says the dating websites where just to see who was on them. Really?. I asked him to stop or I was gone. Then the porn sites started. I ask for an explanation but get I'm a guy. I had asked him to stop that because he wasn't up front with me and talked to me about it. We have watched it together before. I'm okay with him watching it but don't keep it from me. I have extreme self esteem issues that I am trying to work on. He doesn't understand that when I find out he does this behind my back a thousand and one things go through my head. So, I just recently caught him doing it again. I lost it. He lied. He told me he was done. This time it was I was bored. OK well why lie to me. Be honest with me. Tell me what I'm doing wrong and how I can make ur fantasies happen. The lying is what I have a problem with. I can't get him to understand this. He says I'm over reacting. Any other newly wed out there that can just help me. Im so lost.
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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 08:00 PM
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Re: Porn

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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 08:17 PM
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Re: Porn

I'm not a newly wed. But a lot of people watch porn. If he is watching porn and not having sex with you, that's an issue. If he's having sex with you, but watching porn on the side, that's really not unusual.

It's really not about you.
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 08:19 PM
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Re: Porn

The problem here is respect, not porn. Your partner does not respect your feelings.

While porn is not a problem for me, I agree that if one partner is hurt by the other's porn use, then that is a problem.

The use of dating sites is inexcusable. You know his excuse was bs, why did you accept that? He was essentially looking for an opportunity to cheat on you, emotionally or physically. You need to set boundaries on what you're willing to accept from your husband and now is the time to do it.

You may need to introduce a third party opinion in the form of couples counseling to help your husband understanding that he is hurting you by ignoring your feelings. There are also excellent books that can help such as His Needs Her Needs (other more experienced posters please suggest others). It also sounds like you mau need some individual counselling yourself to deal with your insecurity and lack of boundaries.

Last edited by Keke24; 02-27-2017 at 08:29 PM.
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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 09:30 PM
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Re: Porn

If you told him before the marriage no porn without your presence, then you have a leg to stand on...

I personally would never marry a person who had such an issue with pornography.

As you point out, it's indicative of strong negative self esteem issues with the partner.


The much BIGGER problem is the dating sites he's still trolling. That's a HUGE red flag for cheating.

That alone would make me see what my annulment of the marriage options were since its only been 6 months.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 07:50 AM
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Re: Porn

If you met your husband in his mid-twenties, then odds are he is already a "creature of habit" when it comes to doing what he wants online with his personal time and has always done so like it is no one else's business to tell him what he can and can't do. Combine that with your self esteem issues and you are sitting on a ticking time bomb!

Should he still be on dating websites? No! But apparently visiting those sites and the "friendships" he made are too rewarding for him to let go. That is not good, and will likely be a source of conflict for a while.

For me when I met my wife there was no such thing as dating websites, there was just plain ol' dating. Once my wife and I started a relationship in college, she could not help but to notice that I had a lot of female friends always saying hello to me. Not only just females, but very attractive ones that very well knew I was attracted to them and enjoyed my attention. So here I am dating my wife and along walks by this petite curly red head that comes bouncing over to give me a hug and say hello. Turns out I enjoyed that attention too at the time even though I knew there was nothing going to happen in that relationship. But eventually my soon to be wife had it, and told me that I needed to end all of my "prospective romantic friendships" and only keep my real friends. It was not an easy thing to do, because that killed the majority of my social life at the time. But it made me realize that I was a habitual prospector of romantic relationships, and I needed to just let go of that part of my personality. It took some time, but eventually I learned to devote all that attention towards my wife.

As for the porn, that is going to be a tougher one. The first thing is to make sure he understands that you are not shaming him and that it is his dishonesty on the topic that is hurting you more so than the porn. Would a man watch porn simply because he is bored? Yes! Is there better things he can be doing with his time? Yes! Will that ever change? ...let us know when you find the answer?

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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 09:16 AM
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Re: Porn

How is your sex life? You're a newlywed in your 20s. Are you having sex on most days? Are you initiating 3 or 4 times a week?
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: Porn

Honestly, I would be more concerned about him still being on dating sites (not to minimize the porn issue, but dating sites points more seriously to potential infidelity issues). Has that stopped?
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 12:20 PM
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Re: Porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paige Fouts View Post
Ok. I don't know if I'm doing this right but I need other people's input. I don't know if I'm over reacting or what. Here it is. I'm 25 and my husband is 28. We got married in Aug of 2016. We have been together for 3 years. We met on POF. alright my husband has been caught being on dating websites, porn sites, you name it. He says the dating websites where just to see who was on them. Really?. I asked him to stop or I was gone. Then the porn sites started. I ask for an explanation but get I'm a guy. I had asked him to stop that because he wasn't up front with me and talked to me about it. We have watched it together before. I'm okay with him watching it but don't keep it from me. I have extreme self esteem issues that I am trying to work on. He doesn't understand that when I find out he does this behind my back a thousand and one things go through my head. So, I just recently caught him doing it again. I lost it. He lied. He told me he was done. This time it was I was bored. OK well why lie to me. Be honest with me. Tell me what I'm doing wrong and how I can make ur fantasies happen. The lying is what I have a problem with. I can't get him to understand this. He says I'm over reacting. Any other newly wed out there that can just help me. Im so lost.
He doesn't tell you because he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

If he tells you, your self-esteem issues are triggered. If he doesn't tell you and you find out, both the self-esteem issues and his lying are the issues. He can't win so he just goes to enjoy the porn himself.

If you set aside the dating sites for a minute (which is totally wrong of him), remember he's not looking for someone else when he looks at porn. YOU are the one that has to understand that.
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 06:50 PM
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Re: Porn

I'm afraid that I did not properly address the OP's question. Yes, the dating sites are much more of a red flag to me...why on earth does a married person need to be trolling dating sites?
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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:06 PM
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Re: Porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paige Fouts View Post
Ok. I don't know if I'm doing this right but I need other people's input. I don't know if I'm over reacting or what. Here it is. I'm 25 and my husband is 28. We got married in Aug of 2016. We have been together for 3 years. We met on POF. alright my husband has been caught being on dating websites, porn sites, you name it. He says the dating websites where just to see who was on them. Really?. I asked him to stop or I was gone. Then the porn sites started. I ask for an explanation but get I'm a guy. I had asked him to stop that because he wasn't up front with me and talked to me about it. We have watched it together before. I'm okay with him watching it but don't keep it from me. I have extreme self esteem issues that I am trying to work on. He doesn't understand that when I find out he does this behind my back a thousand and one things go through my head. So, I just recently caught him doing it again. I lost it. He lied. He told me he was done. This time it was I was bored. OK well why lie to me. Be honest with me. Tell me what I'm doing wrong and how I can make ur fantasies happen. The lying is what I have a problem with. I can't get him to understand this. He says I'm over reacting. Any other newly wed out there that can just help me. Im so lost.
All of these things along with the lies are big red flags. A married person has no reason to be on dating sites, and for me porn is a no no as well.
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:07 PM
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Re: Porn

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Looking at porn and going onto dating sites when you are married is NOT perfectly normal for a man unless he has no moral values.
Per the bolded, says who? I hope you at least understand that these are solely your morals. Implying that a person in a relationship (whether male or female) has no moral values if they watch porn is a bit of a stretch...
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:15 PM
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Cool Re: Porn

I'd be far more concerned about his incessant lying!

And unchecked, it will only get worse over the due course of time!

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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: Porn

Let's address the dating sites first. That's a big no noa and there is no acceptable explanation. In case he doesn't know it, you could go on Tinder or ****** ******* and have 50 men after you in 15 minutes if he wants to play that game.

The porn is a different story. Yes your feelings need to be discussed but if your sex life is active and often then unless your lingerie drawer is free of vibrators that you use when he is not around then if he wants to rub one out once in a while you don't get to have a double standard.

Porn can be a major issue but if that a taboo for you unless it is announced and together than the same applies for the "rabbit".

Communication will help you
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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:46 PM
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Re: Porn

Porn use is offensive to many women and can cause the "contrast effect," where it interferes with a husband's ability to find his wife sexually stimulating. Add to that the dishonesty, and porn can cause serious issues in a marriage. This study found that divorce rates double when people start watching porn mid-way through their marriage: Divorce rates double when people start watching porn | Science | AAAS.

Here's another article on why porn can be destructive to marriage by Dr. Harley, licensed clinical psychologist at Marriage Builders: Addiction to Pornography #1.

It's troubling that your husband dismissed your feelings when you brought it up to him. If it bothers you, he should care enough about your feelings to stop watching porn whether he agrees or not.
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