Let's have a clear definition of the words kink and fetish.
Years ago, someone said to me, "All Wiccans are Pagan, but not all Pagans are Wiccan". Kink and fetish are the same. All fetishes are kinks, but not all kinks are fetishes. A kink is something one can become aroused without where a fetish is nearly necessary for arousal.
Keeping that in mind, I'd say a fetish is more or less an orientation considering the fetishist either has difficulty or cannot become arouse without the fetish. A kink is slightly different as many people can still have a satisfying sex life without indulging their kink(s) while others need their kinks indulged at least sometimes to be satisfied.
My kinks are BDSM, Dom/sub, male-female roles centered. I didn't feel comfortable sharing my kinks with my exH or my AP's because it just felt wrong. My kinks were too personal to me and sharing them would have been an emotional/psychological intimacy I didn't feel comfortable with in what were basically casual relationships. During those years I had a satisfying sex life without my kinks. After meeting and falling in love with DH, we talked at length about our kinks and were scary compatible. Indulging the kinks finally made a satisfying sex life absolutely amazing.
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
I would say that it is crucial to determining kinky compatibility before entering into a serious relationship. Incompatibilities in regards to kink will make both partners very unhappy. That doesn't mean that EVERYTHING needs to be perfectly aligned--I don't think anybody will tick off EVERYTHING.
Everything doesn't need
to be aligned, but it's definitely possible to find a partner that ticks all boxes in terms of sexuality/kink and is equally compatible in other areas. Depending on the kink and how important it is to overall relationship and sexual satisfaction, some people really can't compromise and must find a partner that does check all boxes.
Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
A married couple is not "static." One of the most important aspects of marriage is how two people change over time and how they work together and dealing with those changes.
I view the concept of finding a "kind, loving, kinky" partner that you marry and they will never change kind of searching for the wrong thing. Sort of like looking for a unicorn.
I think that you are better off looking for someone who is really committed to making a marriage work, who is loving, playful and exploratory. Someone who is a good person that you share long term values and dreams with.
This really depends on the kink. A "kind, loving, and (compatible) kinky" partner that won't change is a must for some kinksters. They need a partner who will indulge their kink enthusiastically for the entirety of their sex lives. Being willing just isn't enough, there has to be mutual enthusiasm and enjoyment of the kink for a lot of kinksters.
It would be wrong to suggest that concerns about kink have less validity than other considerations. Becoming enmeshed in a sexually unsatisfying relationship can have devastating consequences and should be very carefully vetted beforehand. What constitutes unsatisfactory is up to the individual.