Wife and Oral Sex - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

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Originally Posted by lovelygirl View Post
To this day, I still avoid giving oral for fear of lack of confidence. I have never had a stable partner or long lasting relationship. For fear of being made fun of, there are some sex positions I avoid ...until I know my next partner won't have a problem even if I do it wrong (temporarily).
It really surprised me she worries about that sort of thing. We have never had a sexual encounter that didn't end well. Some steamier than others, but would not say any times were categorically "bad". Maybe I don't speak for all guys, but usually I'm just thrilled to be getting some.

What things, intentional or not, do you or your partner do to help you overcome that fear? Say you decide to try something with your partner you are nervous about. What could they say or do that would totally boost your confidence?
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post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 12:20 AM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

Did you have a bad experience that made you worry?

A guy who makes fun of a woman for how she gives a BJ deserves to never get one again as long as he lives. Gentle hints, are fine, but negative comments - no way!

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Originally Posted by lovelygirl View Post
Similarly has happened to me in the past, with one of the guys I was dating.
I wasn't experienced with oral and I would avoid giving it to him for the fear that he would tease me or make of me for not doing it right. In reality, I had no problem whatsoever with giving and receiving oral per se, but I used to overthink what he would think of me for the way I was giving it to him.

To this day, I still avoid giving oral for fear of lack of confidence. I have never had a stable partner or long lasting relationship. For fear of being made fun of, there are some sex positions I avoid ...until I know my next partner won't have a problem even if I do it wrong (temporarily).

So yeah, I agree with @arbitrator on the fact that you should encourage her more. That way, you'll boost her ego and she'll be happy to give it to you more often.
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post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:45 AM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

When she does it to you are you giving her parts any sexual attention? Perhaps it will seem less like a big performance to her if something else mutual is going on at the same time. With my wife I always really enjoyed giving her pleasure while she was doing that, especially with my fingers. This made her really happy to do it as part of our foreplay, but I rarely got to finish that way. She'd always just get too excited and initiate regular sex.
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post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 05:54 AM
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I always told her how great it was how good she does it still no response
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post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 06:42 AM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

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I'm seeking advice from women with similar mentalities as my wife. Or men who have experienced the same. A little bit of backstory:

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. In that time, and during the few years we dated, she has given me oral sex every 3-6 months. She goes for 30-60 seconds and only one of those times has it gone to completion. I give her oral most times we have sex. The disparity is not the issue here, I quite enjoy making her feel good. While a little more frequency and completion would be nice, my primary goal is for her to be comfortable with it.

The first time she did it was after we had been dating for roughly a year. It wasn't expected and I had never mentioned it in the past, making it totally her own idea. When several months went by without another go, I tested the waters by asking. That blew up in my face (mostly my own fault). So I backed up and have been carefully (sensitively) trying to peel away the reasons for her hesitation. Frankly, she isn't terribly comfortable with a wide open conversation about sex. This has been a true test of patience and understanding for me; and we have been working on opening up and exploring our sexuality. It's been kind of romantic, really.

It wasn't until last night that I finally got a honest, straight answer. She doesn't like to do it because of performance anxiety. She's afraid it won't feel good for me and it will be embarrassing for her. And she was embarrassed to admit that all this time. Far less sinister than I would have ever guessed. Believe me, we opened EVERY other door. "No stone unturned" so to speak.

Now the question. Simple encouragement that she's "good" isn't going to cut it. Honestly, I can't relate that well to hows she's feeling (not for a lack of flaws, mind you). Any women out there with advice for her or me, or some personal perspective about how they have overcome this kind of anxiety? Any guys have a wife with a similar hesitation? I'm like a dog chasing a car. I finally have what I've been after, now what to do with it?

Mike89
Personally, I don't quite think that's the reason she doesn't do it. It may be PART of it, sure, but I dunno...

The reality is, there are many, many women out there who just simply dislike doing it, for a variety of reasons. Even many who will do it, or do it regularly, don't particularly enjoy it.

My wife HATES it (she's said so... ugh), yet she will still do it as part of foreplay, and do it well. AND be really into it, at that moment. Seriously, it's weird. She's a freakin' pro at it. On it's own - **** no. The idea of a standalone BJ is akin to walking slowly over hot coals.

Why the disparity in feelings towards it? Damned if I know, and I've long ago given up figuring it out.

Anyway, like I said, her anxiety over her skills with it may be real, but I have a hard time believing that's the sole reason it rarely happens, and when it does, it's 30-60 seconds long.

Honestly, I could be wrong. But my take on it is that if she was into giving BJ's, she'd give BJ's, regardless of her perceived skill level. She'd learn along the way, and there'd be no reason for her to be embarrassed about it. More likely, she's either really blase about them, or she already knows it's not something she enjoys doing, yet may be willing to throw out there as often as she already does.

On the other hand, she may be under the assumption that 30-60 seconds is as long as it should take, and because you're not finishing in that time frame, she thinks she's bad at them. She may have this in her head because she simply doesn't know. She may think that because her prior experiences giving them, the dude finished in 30 seconds.

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post #21 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 08:32 AM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

Ive said it before and Ill say it again. There are many men who ruin BJs for all of us. The ones who con women into giving it up when they arent ready. "Come on its not really sex, its just a BJ"

Ruins oral for many women that way I believe. And BJs as a whole get this stigma attached to them. A gross thing you have to do for some guy to shut him up. Then when you are in a real loving relationship you shouldnt have to do that gross, selfish thing.

Dont know thats part of my theory/thought on women and BJs. Im sure theres more to it for some.

"Masturbate with just a slick hand and thoughts of your wife." --Intheory
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post #22 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

If she wanted to give go down on you, she would...

I was married XWW for 16 years. Like you, I went south for her almost every single time we had sex. I always made sure she was satisfied even when it took over an hour and not for reciprocity, but because I enjoyed it making her feel good. I would say the ratio of me going down for her vs. her going down for me was at least 100 to 1...seriously! She would occasionally put in a token 30 to 60 seconds. Only once in our 16 year marriage did she bring me to O through oral. I never made an issue about it but occasionally she would say she didn't do it because she didn't think she was good at it...which was total BS. I always encouraged her and told her she was awesome but that didn't make a difference. I think she didn't do it because she didn't want to do it...period.

I would later discover that she didn't seem to have a problem going down on her posOM.
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post #23 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:49 PM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

Before marriage, my now wife was quite enthusiastic about giving oral. Now?? The title of your thread does not compute. Using the words "wife" and "oral sex" are a pipe dream. Enjoy the oral wasteland.


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post #24 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 03:49 PM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

this is simple. Practice makes perfect! Have her watch some BJ porn, learn some techniques, and try them on you. You can hold up score cards, like 1 to 10!
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post #25 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 06:04 PM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

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Originally Posted by Mike89 View Post

What things, intentional or not, do you or your partner do to help you overcome that fear? Say you decide to try something with your partner you are nervous about. What could they say or do that would totally boost your confidence?
It would be really helpful if he told me "Baby, I'd like you to do this on me.." If it's something I've never done before and he notices I'm feeling uncomfortable, he could encourage me to go on but change style or while telling me "..Don't worry if you're not doing it right for the firs tim cuz I love how you're willing to perform this on me. Next times I'm sure it'll be better. We'll try this together..."

These are encouraging words which let me know that he appreciates me taking the initiative to try something new ['cuz I could've said "NO" since the beginning without even thinking of trying it] and secondly, telling me that it's ok if I don't do right because he'll help me improve it next time.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #26 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 06:14 PM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

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Originally Posted by thenub View Post
Before marriage, my now wife was quite enthusiastic about giving oral. Now?? The title of your thread does not compute. Using the words "wife" and "oral sex" are a pipe dream. Enjoy the oral wasteland.


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LOL....almost spit my coffee on the keyboard....unfouratnty also true here...
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post #27 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 06:24 PM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike89 View Post
I'm seeking advice from women with similar mentalities as my wife. Or men who have experienced the same. A little bit of backstory:

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. In that time, and during the few years we dated, she has given me oral sex every 3-6 months. She goes for 30-60 seconds and only one of those times has it gone to completion. I give her oral most times we have sex. The disparity is not the issue here, I quite enjoy making her feel good. While a little more frequency and completion would be nice, my primary goal is for her to be comfortable with it.

The first time she did it was after we had been dating for roughly a year. It wasn't expected and I had never mentioned it in the past, making it totally her own idea. When several months went by without another go, I tested the waters by asking. That blew up in my face (mostly my own fault). So I backed up and have been carefully (sensitively) trying to peel away the reasons for her hesitation. Frankly, she isn't terribly comfortable with a wide open conversation about sex. This has been a true test of patience and understanding for me; and we have been working on opening up and exploring our sexuality. It's been kind of romantic, really.

It wasn't until last night that I finally got a honest, straight answer. She doesn't like to do it because of performance anxiety. She's afraid it won't feel good for me and it will be embarrassing for her. And she was embarrassed to admit that all this time. Far less sinister than I would have ever guessed. Believe me, we opened EVERY other door. "No stone unturned" so to speak.

Now the question. Simple encouragement that she's "good" isn't going to cut it. Honestly, I can't relate that well to hows she's feeling (not for a lack of flaws, mind you). Any women out there with advice for her or me, or some personal perspective about how they have overcome this kind of anxiety? Any guys have a wife with a similar hesitation? I'm like a dog chasing a car. I finally have what I've been after, now what to do with it?

Mike89

When Mrs.CuddleBug and I first started dating, she asked me if I wanted a BJ. I said sure......when I was about to orgasm, I asked her, do you want me to go out of your mouth? She said no, in my mouth and she swallows. Now at first, she too had performance anxiety. I always said, her oral sex, tongue, saliva, noises, all are amazing. More the better. So over time, she does just that. She has gone from having sex with a bag of rocks feeling to absolutely amazing, to the point its sensory overload for me.

When she gives me a BJ, I place my hands away from her, giving Mrs.CuddleBug complete control and she's much more relaxed that way and gets into it. Afterwards, I have her favorite drink nearby, so my taste is washed away quickly. She burps and laughs.

But by saying her tongue is absolutely amazing, and giving sighs of pleasure, she notices, confidence goes up and up and the BJ gets better and better.

But at first, insecure with performance anxiety.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.
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