Wife and Oral Sex - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:09 PM Thread Starter
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Wife and Oral Sex

I'm seeking advice from women with similar mentalities as my wife. Or men who have experienced the same. A little bit of backstory:

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. In that time, and during the few years we dated, she has given me oral sex every 3-6 months. She goes for 30-60 seconds and only one of those times has it gone to completion. I give her oral most times we have sex. The disparity is not the issue here, I quite enjoy making her feel good. While a little more frequency and completion would be nice, my primary goal is for her to be comfortable with it.

The first time she did it was after we had been dating for roughly a year. It wasn't expected and I had never mentioned it in the past, making it totally her own idea. When several months went by without another go, I tested the waters by asking. That blew up in my face (mostly my own fault). So I backed up and have been carefully (sensitively) trying to peel away the reasons for her hesitation. Frankly, she isn't terribly comfortable with a wide open conversation about sex. This has been a true test of patience and understanding for me; and we have been working on opening up and exploring our sexuality. It's been kind of romantic, really.

It wasn't until last night that I finally got a honest, straight answer. She doesn't like to do it because of performance anxiety. She's afraid it won't feel good for me and it will be embarrassing for her. And she was embarrassed to admit that all this time. Far less sinister than I would have ever guessed. Believe me, we opened EVERY other door. "No stone unturned" so to speak.

Now the question. Simple encouragement that she's "good" isn't going to cut it. Honestly, I can't relate that well to hows she's feeling (not for a lack of flaws, mind you). Any women out there with advice for her or me, or some personal perspective about how they have overcome this kind of anxiety? Any guys have a wife with a similar hesitation? I'm like a dog chasing a car. I finally have what I've been after, now what to do with it?

Mike89
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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:33 PM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

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Originally Posted by Mike89 View Post
I finally have what I've been after, now what to do with it?
Working on building your spouse's confidence will take a tremendous amount of effort and time! Be patient. It also sounds like she is dealing with some form of anxiety in addition to confidence, so don't fool yourself that you have this all figured out! It could be that in a previous relationship that she was placed under duress regarding the topic of oral sex (e.g. an early BF threatened to break up over it, and when she tried and it was not good enough for him that she then got dumped or something, or perhaps she tried on a BF that was just not that into her and things went bad). So you could be dealing with those issues as well.

But even in those situations, building confidence will always help! Talk to her a lot. Tell her what you like and why you like it. Tell her those things in a rather flattering way. Also make it a point to work on her confidence in general, don't focus solely on oral sex or it will come across as if you are manipulating her.

Be patient!

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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

I got married when I was 22. I never knew about oral sex and did not know people did those things. I grew hearing that sex was bad, dirty and sinful...so anything more than missionary made me feel really bad afterwards. The first time my H tried to do that to me was, what the hell are you doing? That's nasty. Took a long time with my H constantly telling me , we are married and what we do in our bedroom is good. When I got into my 30's and my hormones kicked up, then, baby I was game for anything. So, my poor H had to wait over 10 years for some bj.

Give her time to get up the courage to find her sexuality and be ready to experience new things. It also takes courage to take charge of things in the bedroom. So, until she is comfortable with who she is as a sexual being, don't expect her to suddenly do all the things you want.
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 01:20 PM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike89 View Post
I'm seeking advice from women with similar mentalities as my wife. Or men who have experienced the same. A little bit of backstory:

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. In that time, and during the few years we dated, she has given me oral sex every 3-6 months. She goes for 30-60 seconds and only one of those times has it gone to completion. I give her oral most times we have sex. The disparity is not the issue here, I quite enjoy making her feel good. While a little more frequency and completion would be nice, my primary goal is for her to be comfortable with it.

The first time she did it was after we had been dating for roughly a year. It wasn't expected and I had never mentioned it in the past, making it totally her own idea. When several months went by without another go, I tested the waters by asking. That blew up in my face (mostly my own fault). So I backed up and have been carefully (sensitively) trying to peel away the reasons for her hesitation. Frankly, she isn't terribly comfortable with a wide open conversation about sex. This has been a true test of patience and understanding for me; and we have been working on opening up and exploring our sexuality. It's been kind of romantic, really.

It wasn't until last night that I finally got a honest, straight answer. She doesn't like to do it because of performance anxiety. She's afraid it won't feel good for me and it will be embarrassing for her. And she was embarrassed to admit that all this time. Far less sinister than I would have ever guessed. Believe me, we opened EVERY other door. "No stone unturned" so to speak.

Now the question. Simple encouragement that she's "good" isn't going to cut it. Honestly, I can't relate that well to hows she's feeling (not for a lack of flaws, mind you). Any women out there with advice for her or me, or some personal perspective about how they have overcome this kind of anxiety? Any guys have a wife with a similar hesitation? I'm like a dog chasing a car. I finally have what I've been after, now what to do with it?

Mike89
Hmmmm, talk to me about your wifes body language.


Submissive Body Language
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

Mike,

The reason oral has such a powerful impact is twofold:
- The raw physicality of it is good
- The emotion side of it is powerful because it is: All about you

Have you ever asked her for feedback on YOUR oral technique? Or did you figure it out using her non verbal (meaningful, moving, etc.) cues?

You have to set the tone by welcoming feedback of all types. By focusing solely on the goal of 'improved outcome', as opposed to ego gratification.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike89 View Post
I'm seeking advice from women with similar mentalities as my wife. Or men who have experienced the same. A little bit of backstory:

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. In that time, and during the few years we dated, she has given me oral sex every 3-6 months. She goes for 30-60 seconds and only one of those times has it gone to completion. I give her oral most times we have sex. The disparity is not the issue here, I quite enjoy making her feel good. While a little more frequency and completion would be nice, my primary goal is for her to be comfortable with it.

The first time she did it was after we had been dating for roughly a year. It wasn't expected and I had never mentioned it in the past, making it totally her own idea. When several months went by without another go, I tested the waters by asking. That blew up in my face (mostly my own fault). So I backed up and have been carefully (sensitively) trying to peel away the reasons for her hesitation. Frankly, she isn't terribly comfortable with a wide open conversation about sex. This has been a true test of patience and understanding for me; and we have been working on opening up and exploring our sexuality. It's been kind of romantic, really.

It wasn't until last night that I finally got a honest, straight answer. She doesn't like to do it because of performance anxiety. She's afraid it won't feel good for me and it will be embarrassing for her. And she was embarrassed to admit that all this time. Far less sinister than I would have ever guessed. Believe me, we opened EVERY other door. "No stone unturned" so to speak.

Now the question. Simple encouragement that she's "good" isn't going to cut it. Honestly, I can't relate that well to hows she's feeling (not for a lack of flaws, mind you). Any women out there with advice for her or me, or some personal perspective about how they have overcome this kind of anxiety? Any guys have a wife with a similar hesitation? I'm like a dog chasing a car. I finally have what I've been after, now what to do with it?

Mike89
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 02:50 PM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

I know what your wife is feeling. I've been with my husband for 10 years and when we got together his sexualizing experience FAR outweighed my own. I was basically a novice. Knowing he was so well versed definitely gave me performance anxiety for quite a while. I never felt comfortable opening up to him about this because I didn't want to come off like so weirdo noob in the bedroom. I wasn't a virginity when we met, but compared to him I might as well have been. Any who, I *maybe* gave him oral like twice during the first 6 year of our marriage! He was the same with me, he did tn know how to approach these conversations with me because he knew how damn shy I was in the bedroom and dint want to push me into something I wasn't ready for.

I wasted 6 years being shy.

Until he decided to point blank ask me about my nerves and said he'd like to get past these fears to have a more fulfilling sex life.

I needed him to be direct with me.

I didnt want to be good in bed, I wanted to be ****ing fantastic. But thought I'd screw it up and wind up embarrassed.

He said to me "you can't screw it up. It's not about the end game to me, it's about riding a special journey of exploring each other. So what if it takes you a while to learn my oral likes to get me to finish. I'm in no rush. Then idea of you fumbling nervous on me is a trip in and of itself"

That was it.

The gates burst open and I trusted my husbands words of encouragement. You know what? It took me a little bit to stop being nervous doing it and I didn't get him to finish right away. But the longer it went on, the more determined I'd became to finish him that way. Fast forward 4 years and now he gets them quite often. And I love it.

Your wife needs to find her courage. Assure her that even if she has to practice then you'll love her all the more for it.

I can't get enough of him now. Even without getting my own release, I am addicted to pleasuring him now. The beast has come out, and she's not going away anytime soon. Fan-****ing-tastic sex life.

Encourage your wife. Tell her who cares if she can't get you right away. No biggie. And guide her as she does it. Don't leave her to flop in the wind down there. When she clamps down on your junk, be vocal. If you really like something, say so. If you want something say so. It will give her the ability to skip past the does he/doesn't he part of learning.
Tell her slower, faster, tighter, etc..... Encourage that woman!
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

Thanks for the replies!

Nail on the head, Badsanta. She had a crush in the past that was coercive then didn't stick around. While she claims she's overcome that, I'm sure there are still lingering emotions. That's certainly a sensitive topic. I don't mean to imply I have it all figured out. Just that I have something I can interpret and attempt to relate to is a big step.

DepressedHusband, I wouldn't say her body language is submissive. She's not afraid of or intimidated by me. We've had our fair share of shouting matches. I think she struggles with feeling sexy. God help me, I wish she would see what I do. That struggle manifests in her body language, and sometimes in her willingness to be intimate. But again more reservation than submission.

MEM2020, good advice. Definitely something I try to do. She doesn't offer up a lot of feedback, but I do encourage it. She's the type that really does enjoy oral, but if I withheld it for a month she wouldn't feel comfortable asking me for it. What you say about ego gratification is interesting. I do take some amount of egotistical satisfaction. Kind of a point of chest swelling manliness for getting her to orgasm. At the same time it's an effort to satisfy her needs before mine. That is an important gesture to me.
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

Excellent advice Saibasu, thanks!
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

It's a bit like the guy last week who wouldn't take off his shirt because she might not like it. She is afraid to go down just in case he says . . . . .
Actually there probably isn't any historical bad comment on oral sex. Even saying "You Suck" is a complement.
I will say that every tiny little thing you can do to show how much fun you are having helps. Even grabbing her hair and holding her in place.
Actually that one quite surprised me. The more control I took the more enthusiastic she became.
Which reminds me of another BJ experience . . . . perhaps another thread.
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:22 AM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

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Originally Posted by Saibasu View Post
I didnt want to be good in bed, I wanted to be ****ing fantastic.


I can't get enough of him now. Even without getting my own release, I am addicted to pleasuring him now. The beast has come out, and she's not going away anytime soon. Fan-****ing-tastic sex life.
You can't see it, but I'm giving you a standing ovation right now!
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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:23 AM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

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Originally Posted by Mr. Nail View Post
It's a bit like the guy last week who wouldn't take off his shirt because she might not like it. She is afraid to go down just in case he says . . . . .
Actually there probably isn't any historical bad comment on oral sex. Even saying "You Suck" is a complement.
I will say that every tiny little thing you can do to show how much fun you are having helps. Even grabbing her hair and holding her in place.
Actually that one quite surprised me. The more control I took the more enthusiastic she became.
Which reminds me of another BJ experience . . . . perhaps another thread.
Do share!
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:39 AM
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Cool Re: Wife and Oral Sex

There is absolutely nothing wrong with giving her constant, positive, loving verbal and nonverbal feedback, all while she is busy performing the act on you!

Nothing quite satiates her ego and self confidence faster!

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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 04:52 PM
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I am in the same situation I get it for less then 5 min in a year I am serious I give her oral almost every time
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 05:23 PM
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Re: Wife and Oral Sex

Similarly has happened to me in the past, with one of the guys I was dating.
I wasn't experienced with oral and I would avoid giving it to him for the fear that he would tease me or make of me for not doing it right. In reality, I had no problem whatsoever with giving and receiving oral per se, but I used to overthink what he would think of me for the way I was giving it to him.

To this day, I still avoid giving oral for fear of lack of confidence. I have never had a stable partner or long lasting relationship. For fear of being made fun of, there are some sex positions I avoid ...until I know my next partner won't have a problem even if I do it wrong (temporarily).

So yeah, I agree with @arbitrator on the fact that you should encourage her more. That way, you'll boost her ego and she'll be happy to give it to you more often.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.

Last edited by lovelygirl; 03-02-2017 at 05:30 PM.
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 05:32 PM
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I was going to post this same situation I have over the last 12yrs to just deal with it it was so great while we were dating
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