Overdue update - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:11 AM
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Re: Overdue update

uh...if you...say...so....
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post #32 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 01:33 AM Thread Starter
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Will be 40 next year so close enough. I think that things will change once the kids are in school and have friends. At the moment, it is all I do in my spare time.
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post #33 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:12 AM
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Re: Overdue update

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We get along great as friends and coparents. Thoughtful gifts, pleasant conversation, helping each other out before work, etc. I get all the benefits of a marriage except sex. It used to dominate my thoughts but some emotional cost/benefit analysis said that lack of sex would not hurt as much as not seeing my kids every morning/night/day.
Why have children with her. Why not find someone that would have made your life whole?
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post #34 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:42 AM
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Re: Overdue update

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Have not been on here in about 3 years so many may not remember me and that's fine. Wife is asexual but in the time since my last visit (spring 2014), we have had sex twice and have had two children. One born in march 2014 and the other in december 2016. Sex drive has essentially died. The two kids and getting my dream job have taken precedence over sex and passion. It feels weird being male and not caring in the least if we touch, kiss, have sex. About once a month I masturbate but it is more of a sleep tool than a release. Has anybody else ever just given up and had their sex drive die a not so sweet death?
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My wife is asexual (five times in six-plus years), and I've noticed my drive has gone down (it's not totally dead, but it's not what it was). I do masturbate sometimes, but even then I notice that it's not as strong, if you know what I mean.

Some people (men and women) just don't view sex as an important part of a marriage. My wife views sex as work and is always complaining about being tired, having a headache, etc. so I don't even bother. If she's in the mood, she knows where to find me - I've given up trying.
As someone who is not in a sexless marriage, but who has an extremely LD/responsive desire partner (ie once a week, like clockwork, not an ounce of sexuality, never mind sex, outside of this weekly timeframe), I can tell you that the LD/ND/asexual partner always 'wins' in the end.

My drive used to be high. Like daily. The frustration at not having sex daily then changed to not having sex every 2nd day, then every 3rd. Now I'm "happy" with once a week, and the rest of the week doesn't bother me.

Was that actually ME changing, or simply adapting to my circumstances/surroundings? Totally the latter, IMO.

I have no doubt that if my sex life went from weekly to bi-weekly, I'd adapt over time. Or monthly, or twice a year. Or never. We humans are adaptable like this, particularly when the rest of the circumstances are ideal - as in your case (mine too).

We instinctually find ways to repress things that are no longer 'necessary' for survival. You have a partner whom you love, and you have procreated with her, and the rest of the relationship is good or great. Your brain has told you that there's no need for sex, and it's technically not wrong. But it's not right, either.

As you've alluded to, you're unsure of what you will feel once the kids are older and don't want/need their old man hanging around 24/7. You may find other things to occupy your time, but it's unlikely those things will carry the gravitas of being a dad. And worse, once they're actually out of the house, on their own, and it's just you and your wife, there will almost certainly be a sense of emptiness.

Sex is not necessary for one's own survival, but it is for the survival of a relationship. A healthy one, anyway. There is nothing on earth that comes close to fulfilling those basic human needs of intimacy and emotion - which is what separates relationships and marriages from friendships and partnerships.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #35 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 10:44 AM Thread Starter
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We get along great as friends and coparents. Thoughtful gifts, pleasant conversation, helping each other out before work, etc. I get all the benefits of a marriage except sex. It used to dominate my thoughts but some emotional cost/benefit analysis said that lack of sex would not hurt as much as not seeing my kids every morning/night/day.
Why have children with her. Why not find someone that would have made your life whole?
When we had the first, I was under the incorrect assumption that it may change. However, nothing really changed. I have no regrets though. Raising our son and bring with him has proven to be fulfilling aND satisfying like nothing else. When he wants his own life, the void will come back and then who knows.
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post #36 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:37 PM
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Re: Overdue update

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When we had the first, I was under the incorrect assumption that it may change. However, nothing really changed. I have no regrets though. Raising our son and bring with him has proven to be fulfilling aND satisfying like nothing else. When he wants his own life, the void will come back and then who knows.
You are almost 40, you are talking about being almost 60 by then.
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post #37 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:49 PM
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Re: Overdue update

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When we had the first, I was under the incorrect assumption that it may change.
Having children doesn't fix problems in relationships it exacerbates them.
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post #38 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 10:21 PM
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Re: Overdue update

Since you're 40 odds are that your blood testosterone levels are dropping. Be prepared for other side effects to come into play. Get your prostate checked. 1 in 3 men have theirs removed at the first sign of trouble. I'm not saying that lack of sex could contribute to such things, but it's only prudent to think that the changes in you and your wife could also be due to hormone imbalances or some other underlying physical issue.
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post #39 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 11:59 PM
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Re: Overdue update

A lot of folks claiming they are in a sexless marriage don't realize its sexless only for them.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #40 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 11:10 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by tyler1978 View Post
When we had the first, I was under the incorrect assumption that it may change. However, nothing really changed. I have no regrets though. Raising our son and bring with him has proven to be fulfilling aND satisfying like nothing else. When he wants his own life, the void will come back and then who knows.
You are almost 40, you are talking about being almost 60 by then.
This is the bed that I have made. At the moment, I am not unhappy. The nagging urge to have sex has since died. Plenty of other worthwhile pursuits to keep my mind occupied.
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post #41 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 02:06 PM
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Re: Overdue update

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Having children doesn't fix problems in relationships it exacerbates them.
Spot on.
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