Overdue update - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:04 AM Thread Starter
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Overdue update

Have not been on here in about 3 years so many may not remember me and that's fine. Wife is asexual but in the time since my last visit (spring 2014), we have had sex twice and have had two children. One born in march 2014 and the other in december 2016. Sex drive has essentially died. The two kids and getting my dream job have taken precedence over sex and passion. It feels weird being male and not caring in the least if we touch, kiss, have sex. About once a month I masturbate but it is more of a sleep tool than a release. Has anybody else ever just given up and had their sex drive die a not so sweet death?
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post #2 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 07:58 AM
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Re: Overdue update

Thanks for the update.

You are not alone. We were basically sexless for 20 years and I was vainly trying to get her interested. Then my wife got cancer and could not have sex for a year. Now I have little interest in partner sex. We get along much better now than when I was trying and failing to have sex with her.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #3 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:15 AM
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Cool Re: Overdue update

So sorry to hear that guys!

I wish I had an answer for you!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story!
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post #4 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: Overdue update

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Originally Posted by tyler1978 View Post
Have not been on here in about 3 years so many may not remember me and that's fine. Wife is asexual but in the time since my last visit (spring 2014), we have had sex twice and have had two children. One born in march 2014 and the other in december 2016. Sex drive has essentially died. The two kids and getting my dream job have taken precedence over sex and passion. It feels weird being male and not caring in the least if we touch, kiss, have sex. About once a month I masturbate but it is more of a sleep tool than a release. Has anybody else ever just given up and had their sex drive die a not so sweet death?
That doesn't sound like much a life to me. Why would you have children with someone like that?

PS: you have some incredibly super sperm if you literally knocked her up the only two times you had sex.
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post #5 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 10:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Overdue update

Upon reading my initial post, I realize that the time line is a bit off. Since July 2013, we have had sex 6 times with the 4th and 6th times creating children. I have just settled into a new sexless life. My almost 3 year old son and I are peas in a pod. I would rather have a passionless/sexless life than not be around him every day.
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post #6 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: Overdue update

Have an open marriage or leave her if she doesn't allow you. Man up. There is no shame in wanting to get your d!ck wet.
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post #7 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 11:00 AM
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Re: Overdue update

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Originally Posted by DonaldDuck666 View Post
That doesn't sound like much a life to me. Why would you have children with someone like that?

PS: you have some incredibly super sperm if you literally knocked her up the only two times you had sex.
Not really....true.

All those years of no sex? When Peter rabbit finally got in the garden, he shot at least two gallons in her.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #8 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 11:11 AM
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Re: Overdue update

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My almost 3 year old son and I are peas in a pod. I would rather have a passionless/sexless life than not be around him every day.
I can understand the kids, they are wonderful.

What is the point of a marriage if there is no fulfillment from or with your partner? I hope that she is providing something to your life other than just a paycheck.
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post #9 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 11:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Overdue update

We get along great as friends and coparents. Thoughtful gifts, pleasant conversation, helping each other out before work, etc. I get all the benefits of a marriage except sex. It used to dominate my thoughts but some emotional cost/benefit analysis said that lack of sex would not hurt as much as not seeing my kids every morning/night/day.
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post #10 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 11:23 AM
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Re: Overdue update

I could not live without sex and passion in my life. This may not be fulfilling as much as it is without conflict, and therefore peaceful, if nothing else.
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post #11 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 01:03 PM
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Re: Overdue update

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Originally Posted by tyler1978 View Post
Have not been on here in about 3 years so many may not remember me and that's fine. Wife is asexual but in the time since my last visit (spring 2014), we have had sex twice and have had two children. One born in march 2014 and the other in december 2016. Sex drive has essentially died. The two kids and getting my dream job have taken precedence over sex and passion. It feels weird being male and not caring in the least if we touch, kiss, have sex. About once a month I masturbate but it is more of a sleep tool than a release. Has anybody else ever just given up and had their sex drive die a not so sweet death?
Quote:
Originally Posted by tyler1978 View Post
Upon reading my initial post, I realize that the time line is a bit off. Since July 2013, we have had sex 6 times with the 4th and 6th times creating children. I have just settled into a new sexless life. My almost 3 year old son and I are peas in a pod. I would rather have a passionless/sexless life than not be around him every day.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tyler1978 View Post
We get along great as friends and coparents. Thoughtful gifts, pleasant conversation, helping each other out before work, etc. I get all the benefits of a marriage except sex. It used to dominate my thoughts but some emotional cost/benefit analysis said that lack of sex would not hurt as much as not seeing my kids every morning/night/day.
As someone who has been married to the same woman for over 45 years and once was in a Sex Starved Marriage, but through self change, introspection, reading lots of relationship books, help from a great sex therapist and hard work on the part of both my wife and myself rebuilt our marriage to include sex, I have a few recommendations for you.

I would like to suggest you get MW Davis Book the Sex Starved Marriage and study it and figure out how her lessons apply to you.

One of the things MW Davis recommends is getting a life, which involves improving yourself, often by physical exercise. That can be done by taking your nearly 3 year old swimming, walking, running, etc.

In my SSM, I told myself that by throwing myself into my job that I was being a good provider. It wasn't true, I through myself into my job so that I would get the praise and emotional companionship from co-workers that my wife wasn't giving me at home and that I needed.

May I also suggest that you sit down with your wife and ask her something that our sex therapist gave my wife and me as a homework assignment. Ask each other what you "want" your marriage to look like in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years? See if after your two children are grown and out of the house, that she and you both want a sexless marriage with no intimacy.

It was after we became empty-nesters and a boomerang child finally left home with their spouse that we suddenly confronted the lack of intimacy. My wife indicated that she could grow old and die with just friendship and memories. I found that I took a vow of marriage and not a vow of chastity. My ethics wouldn't allow me to cheat on her and my sexuality wouldn't allow me to wall off part of my core being.

Good luck to you.

Just for kicks, you might also want to read Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is not about becoming a jerk, but about becoming an integrated man, who is not codependent on a wife, doesn't need a woman to validate his existence, and is responsible for doing things that makes him happy.
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post #12 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 06:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Overdue update

I have went over this before..probably with you. I read those books and applied the concepts to no avail. I have been an independent soul since a very young age and that has not changed. I already pursue my hobbies on a solo basis. This predates my knowing my wife by 20 years. My overly independent ways are probably part of the problem. I live the same life that I would if I was single from 615 am to 7 pm monday through friday.

As for physical activity with my son, that is what we do every night, weekend, and holiday. Depending on time and whether, we find some way to be active and get out. As for myself, I am active when time allows.

As for the job, it is not overly stressful. No overtime. We are now roughly equal in earnings. I make less take home but the benefits are outstanding. I do not dedicate myself completely to the job. Once it is 5, i head home and am dad until 830 pm. At that time, I do necessary stuff around the house, read, go to sleep.
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post #13 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: Overdue update

Since you feel you have done all "you" can do through your own efforts, if you aren't happy with your situation, you might just want to ask what kind of relationship do you want in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years.

If it is much different than the one you now have, you may ask yourself how you get try (might not make it) to get to where you want to be.

My suggestion would be a board certified sex therapist either trained in the Gottman method or the Sue Johnson emotionally focused therapy method.

Good Luck.
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post #14 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 03:44 PM
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Re: Overdue update

are you saying you had sex exactly two times, and got her pregnant both times? Really? The odds of that are around zero, she is shtooping the mail man too.
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post #15 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 06:26 PM
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Maybe. Maybe not. I got H2 pregnant the first try twice. Both times Dr called to warn us of genetic abnormality. Lucky it was same abnormality I have. So they are nuts like me, but they are surely mine.
And we had close to zero sex before and after the conceptions. So it can be done.
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