Sex without love - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 08:01 PM
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Re: Sex without love

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Originally Posted by DustyDog
I can't imagine wanting physical intimacy with someone who I actually hate.

How do you know you hate each other? Is this a mental, emotional, or spiritual hatred?

I've had relationships that begin with sex, usually on date #3, before there's really any love, but the love develops after a time. Except on one occasion...sex on date #1, then not so much hatred as a realization that I could not respect someone who did not respect herself, and I moved on having developed no depth of connection.

So did you lose respect for yourself afterwards as well? That seems like quite a double standard you're working with. So did you lose respect for yourself afterwards as well? That seems like quite a double standard you're working with.
Took me a while to realize what you were talking about.

No, I did not lose respect for myself. Nor was her lack of self-respect based on anything having to do with her sexual behavior. Rather, as I got to know her, I realized she let everybody walk all over her...her alcoholic parents expected, and got, a bail-out from her any time they were in the drunk tank, even to the extent that she got fired from jobs due to asbsence and had a very expensive legal battle to not have her children taken by CPS.

Her lack of self-respect led her to be voluntarily dishonest about the kids - that is, I did not ask who the father was, didn't seem to be my business, but she stated that it was husband #1 out of 2...and then later she admitted she didn't know who the father was. As the week went on, everything she'd told me in our first date (which went on for 8 hours before she invited me to her place) was replaced by something else...and often twice.

I do not lose respect for a man or woman simply because they have sex on the first date. As long as they do it openly, honestly, and without expecting anything that hasn't been said, other than simple honesty. So, no double standard.

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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:57 PM
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Re: Sex without love

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Took me a while to realize what you were talking about.

No, I did not lose respect for myself. Nor was her lack of self-respect based on anything having to do with her sexual behavior. Rather, as I got to know her, I realized she let everybody walk all over her...her alcoholic parents expected, and got, a bail-out from her any time they were in the drunk tank, even to the extent that she got fired from jobs due to asbsence and had a very expensive legal battle to not have her children taken by CPS.

Her lack of self-respect led her to be voluntarily dishonest about the kids - that is, I did not ask who the father was, didn't seem to be my business, but she stated that it was husband #1 out of 2...and then later she admitted she didn't know who the father was. As the week went on, everything she'd told me in our first date (which went on for 8 hours before she invited me to her place) was replaced by something else...and often twice.

I do not lose respect for a man or woman simply because they have sex on the first date. As long as they do it openly, honestly, and without expecting anything that hasn't been said, other than simple honesty. So, no double standard.
In that case I apologize for my comment, your situation was not as I read it.
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:54 PM
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Re: Sex without love

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Monica, I couldn't do what you're doing, personally.

Not without feeling I was setting myself up to stop feeling altogether.

Some people can't compartmentalize sex and intimacy as separate things. I am one of those people.
Same here...don't think I could do this, without wanting more or to make up somehow.. if me & my husband are at odds.. he can't get erect unless it's settled...he's the same way...that's why our fights get resolved so fast.. the make up sex is great...

Though when I read the opening thread.. couldn't help but think of a couple Rock songs that mention Hate in them... and they are clearly about the act.. still erotic passion there -for a needed release. I'd find it terribly conflicting emotionally.... If you both don't have a problem with it though .. that's all that matters...
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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: Sex without love

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Monica, I couldn't do what you're doing, personally.

Not without feeling I was setting myself up to stop feeling altogether.

Some people can't compartmentalize sex and intimacy as separate things. I am one of those people.
Some CAN compartmentalize which is how we get spouses with affairs who don't see the damage they have done to their marriage.
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:51 PM
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Re: Sex without love

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Same here...don't think I could do this, without wanting more or to make up somehow.. if me & my husband are at odds.. he can't get erect unless it's settled...he's the same way...that's why our fights get resolved so fast.. the make up sex is great...

Though when I read the opening thread.. couldn't help but think of a couple Rock songs that mention Hate in them... and they are clearly about the act.. still erotic passion there -for a needed release. I'd find it terribly conflicting emotionally.... If you both don't have a problem with it though .. that's all that matters...
It's not emotionally conflicting IF both spouses have already emotionally detached (checked out), yet are still physically attracted to each other. It's like the emotions are dead (or never existed in the first place), but the hormones are alive and kicking.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:57 PM
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Re: Sex without love

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so will it cause great outrage if i believe it has everything to do with it?
I agree. Sex without love is empty and meaningless. I could never have sex with a man I hated.
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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:09 PM
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Re: Sex without love

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In that case I apologize for my comment, your situation was not as I read it.
You didn't do anything wrong. Our society is thick with memes such as losing respect for someone who will have sex on the first date...as with many memes, that one is true for maybe 1 in 20 men and women. But the message is repeated often enough that folks believe it.

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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 06:16 AM
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Re: Sex without love

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It's not emotionally conflicting IF both spouses have already emotionally detached (checked out), yet are still physically attracted to each other. It's like the emotions are dead (or never existed in the first place), but the hormones are alive and kicking.
I'm going to to against the modern grain here.. I think this isn't such a wonderful thing.. people who can do this... lets' face it.. sure makes extra marital affairs easier too... I frown on it.. and would rather be with someone who can't do this, where it is awfully conflicting emotionally. ..
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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:32 AM
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Re: Sex without love

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I'm going to to against the modern grain here.. I think this isn't such a wonderful thing.. people who can do this... lets' face it.. sure makes extra marital affairs easier too... I frown on it.. and would rather be with someone who can't do this, where it is awfully conflicting emotionally. ..
Love being a "requirement" for sex is actually the more modern concept.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: Sex without love

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Love being a "requirement" for sex is actually the more modern concept.
I disagree, far far more people have casual sex now than say 50-60 years ago.

For me sex is about expressing love in a committed relationship. Without love I wouldn't want sex, ever.Its been cheapened and emptied of all its true meaning.
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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:33 AM
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Re: Sex without love

I think it very much depends on the situation. My first ex and I had sex during and even after the divorce. During it was some of the best, most erotic, and satisfying sex I've ever had. We were both "checked out" as someone else stated, so it was straight out raw use each other for what we wanted. No "be concerned about the other" and satisfying them - just straight out selfish satisfaction. It was great. I think maybe some of it was familiarity with each other - don't know. I don't think either of us ever regretted any of it. My second ex I never even considered touching again once divorce was going to happen - her personality and actions just repulsed me to gag even thinking about it.
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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 04:49 PM
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Re: Sex without love

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I disagree, far far more people have casual sex now than say 50-60 years ago.

For me sex is about expressing love in a committed relationship. Without love I wouldn't want sex, ever.Its been cheapened and emptied of all its true meaning.
Believe it or not @Diana7 ... me and you agree on some core values.. some of us just NEED more, this would never fulfill, or be OK in any way..

I might not be able to say that I wouldn't want sex - if I was alone & Single, the craving would be like wild fire.... but I know the conflict would not be healthy for my soul, what ultimately I seek from a man..... Sex has always been deeply meaningful to me, at it's core IS "emotional bonding"... something very very special... to even speak like this today.. we'd be called old fashioned or worse..

There are articles like this even ... Hate sex: how to have it ? Metro That's the world we live in.. couldn't help but notice the 1 reply under this article.. can you imagine.. it's a free for all.

It's a typical defense when one gets caught cheating .... "It didn't mean anything!"... I guess it should be comforting.. It probably didn't !! ...or Playboys who bed numerous women then talk very ugly/ disrespectful about them in the locker room ... sure these things have always been around.. always will.. what has changed is.. it's now acceptable when we don't care about someone, or don't even know them from Adam... all in the name of lust, scratching an itch and a good time ...

This is a first coming across a thread that went as far as "Hating" though.. plenty have done it... I guess they know more than I.
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 06:13 PM
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Cool Re: Sex without love

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Hi,

My husband and I hate each other. It is a long story, but we both know it is going to divorce court. However, he and I both agreed we have "needs". We both have strong sex drives, and both agree we will no longer make love but we have sex about once a week. It is completely physical, very rarely with kissing. But, it feels good and it is a release.

Does anybody else out there do this? Is this normal?

Monica
Not a snowball's chance in hell that that would ever happen with Ol' Arb!

Just to even think about such an occurrence happening literally makes me want to heave!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:47 PM
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Re: Sex without love

Personally I've found having sex with someone I don't love very easy and for the most part it has been a fine experience.

Which is a given since all of my sexual relationships have started with having sex with women I didn't love at the time, within minutes of meeting them through hours, or by the 4th date with the majority of them being on the 1st or 2nd date.

On the other hand I have only ever had sex with one woman, who I hated with contempt at the time. Even though the sex in and of itself was enjoyable. It afforded me the clarity to realise that there was no way I was going to continue to date my now ex-wife (despite her prostration and supplication). In a lacklustre attempt at reconciliation (due to her pleading) after our separation as a consequence of her infidelity.

Incidentally as someone who has had no trouble having sex with people I don't love, I have never cheated on any of my sexual partners in spite of having had some attractive and explicit offers in the past.
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